freedom of a blank stare

I haven’t had soda in 48 hours so excuse me for being off. I stopped cold turkey just like I did last time. ( I only started back up a few months ago because coffee was making me really sick). Now I have no caffeine. Well I’m still drinking tea…at least until that runs out. Is there really caffeine in that diet Lipton tea stuff? I swear I can’t tell. Then I guess I will just drink water. I wish I liked milk…nah, maybe not. That stuff isn’t cheap.

Sodas gone. To boost my serotonin levels, I’m starting to eat spinach. Perhaps with a low dose of Zoloft plus the spinach, my brain can produce normal levels of serotonin. About a year ago, I foolishly requested my Zoloft to be lowered because I thought it was making me irritable. Silly move probably. I think it really did help with the social anxiety. I did things I had never done before. Now I don’t think I want to ask for a higher dose -that would mean 2 pills instead of 1- even though I probably should consider it. Maybe the spinach will work? Here’s hoping.

I don’t cook so of course I have to share pictures of my first attempt at cooking spinach. 😉 I cooked the following x2.

I cooked the biggest bag of spinach the store had and that is all I ended up with after it was cooked. I will definitely be buying more. I probably used too much olive oil (ya think??). I didn’t add anything for flavor because I forgot to buy anything.

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Project Real Life  Week 9 – Clutter

I was so proud of myself for throwing away almost everything from my house. Clutter be gone! I threw away books (!!), clothes, shoes, handbags etc. I had already donated some of the books in really good shape. I probably could have donated some of my clothes but I knew that I didn’t want to go through them. I just trashed everything. It was easier that way. If I had to go through each thing and make a decision…LOL. I would still have stuff in the house right now.

This is really good because I’m not taking anything to my new apartment that I don’t need. So I’m starting off on December 15th clutter-free. YAY! I’m not a natural hoarder so I don’t think I will have a problem. Things only got bad at my house when I was so depressed that nothing mattered (year 3?). I brought the mail in and dumped it on the table everyday. Okay, sometimes on the floor. Whatever. Eventually that adds up. It wasn’t like I was buying stuff. It was just junk.

The worst thing about clutter for me was losing stuff. I would lose shampoo and end up buying more just because I couldn’t find it. NEVER AGAIN.

Speaking of moving…Oh g-d. At least I now feel confident that I actually have the apartment despite not signing a lease yet. I still wish I could at least see the lease. That’s all I wanted. I’m an anxious mess. I need to know everything possible. My budget is going to be sooooo tight. But I think I can do it. I’m too scared to really add it up but I have to know how much I can spend on groceries/toiletries each month.

I know this entry is all over the place (blame the lack of soda/caffeine). I still have to pack. I move in 9 days and I haven’t finished packing…mostly because I need most of the stuff I have with me. It is mostly work stuff. I can’t pack that until the last minute. This is going to be the weirdest move ever. I can’t think about it too much. Overwhelm. Overwhelm.

I wish all this was easier but I have to step up and step out on my own. I am capable. I have a few new goals I will implement on December 15. I might come up with a whole list and post it here.

still have social anxiety

well, well, well

Zoloft isn’t a magic drug! No shit. Seriously I want to use Avon to combat social anxiety. Guess what? I’m hitting walls at every turn. Doing a fundraiser is harder than I thought. I really, really, want to do a Xmas party in the beginning of December.

::hyperventilating as I type this::

TAKE THESE CHAINS OFF OF ME!

I’m sorry, I’m not happy to be alive. I would trade my life for a dead stranger if it were possible. The chain of social anxiety is just too much…and I’m an introvert!

NO I refuse this life b/c this isn’t living. I’m 80% dead. (down from 90% – thanks Zoloft).

shyness 101

I have a 2010 rental car with satellite radio. Loves it. I’m not getting into the reason why I need a rental car. It’s a negative story.
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I’m thinking the Zoloft may be working too well. I’m not exactly talking to people or anything that radical. However, I am walking around more at work. Before I would have been apprehensive. A few years ago, I only got up to go to lunch. A year ago, I would only get up if I thought the way was clear. I would never leave around break/lunch times. Now I’m more uh, confident. I get up whenever I want. 🙂

But these changes are not going over well at work. Why do they even care? I have no idea. Before I would never have talked on the phone while at my desk…especially about private stuff. But on Monday I was having a mini breakdown. Very mini. I was just overwhelmed and pressured. Usually I talk to no one during these moments but yesterday my mom sent me an email. An email that would change my life drastically so I had to call her to talk it out.

My coworkers talk on the phone to friends and family ALL the time. I know so much about them. lol. Anyway during this 20 minute convo, I was talking with no hint of shyness. My coworkers had never heard me talk like this before.

I thought things were shaky before now they are downright bad and a tiny bit nasty. Here is what they don’t comprehend:

I talk to my mom because I KNOW HER.

Um, I don’t talk to anyone else because I DON’T KNOW THEM. I DON’T KNOW ANYONE BUT MY MOM. Shy people do talk to people they are comfortable around. I am only comfortable around one person (and a few 4 legged creatures).

This is obvious to me but they think “If she can talk to —, then she can talk to —“. WHAT A LOAD OF
BULLSHIT. They are clueless. They are ignorant about shyness and social anxiety.
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I have to post a funny story at work. It once again shows how clueless they are. Honey no one will come to my funeral. I could be dead for a week and only my cat would know. Nor would mire than 5 people even care. No, I don’t talk to my mom everyday.

gotta go.

it’s not prozac, bitches

The people at work define hater. Here is the perfect example of hateration: I do an impressive job on a task at work. They next day D snarks about doing work but not doing it right. (There would be no way of her knowing that – hard to explain without saying what I do). She probably doesn’t even believe it but they talk like this randomly all day to get on my nerves.

And then they joke about me seeing a shrink and taking prozac. Um, I don’t take prozac. I take Zoloft. And yes I see a shrink BECAUSE I CAN’T DEAL WITH PEOPLE LIKE THEM. (yes – blame THEM). If I had a trust fund or won the lottery, I could do my jewelry business from home. Or maybe find a people free volunteer situation (hard – I’ve already tried).

I have to do a people suck post every week cause well they do.
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I know I have to not agonize over them. I have a hard time dealing with people being snaky/annoying/mean on purpose. I have standards for adults but apparently they are too high. A person is never too old to be petty. I have learned that but I’m having a difficult time accepting it.

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LOL Rachel Maddow just said this is a summer of scandals for politicians. Well the summer isn’t over yet! Where does Rachel get her stories? She always has a fresh take on things and she doesn’t talk about the same old stories everyone else has been talking about all day.
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My cat is going crazy. Ugh. Gotta go.