a soft place to land

It seems so natural, like it was meant to be. As if I’ve never known another life. So weird. I mean I have had to make adjustments. I have worked 4 days at home. I’m off the next two days. 🙂 I used to just ask for time off to get away from THEM. That is why I’m off the rest of the week. I thought I would still be in the office for sure. Now I am grateful for the time to run chores. I used to run errands during my lunch break whenever possible. I hated going places after work. Anyhow, now I will probably do most things after work.

I had to leave the house today. I know major bummer. 😉 Since I haven’t worked a whole week at home yet (next week will be my first), I don’t know what it is like. Will I feel a need to get out? I sort of hope so BUT I don’t want it to be a dying need. I don’t want to hate being home. I know I will never want to be back in that office. Sorry but I don’t miss the drama. NOT AT ALL.

The downside of working at home for me, is that I feel like I have less time/more to do. For example what I did after work today would have been done doing work hours…if I were at work. Now I’m thinking, “When am I supposed to pick up prescriptions or mail my mail etc?” It’s not really a negative thing just something I have noticed.

I’m also more or less asleep when I start work in the morning. Well, there isn’t much difference there. But while driving to work I would probably wake up a little more. Random.

I think I will try to find things to do outside of the house (well my counselor will probably insist that I do it so um…) The point of all this is that I will be out more…or it will feel like more since I’m doing things AFTER work. I’m so not used to that. I’m used to working near banks, shopping centers, dry cleaners etc. I didn’t see most things as a chore as long as I did it during my work day.

I will probably end up going to a gym at least once a week. (My last Groupon ran out). I may volunteer somewhere. (The cat place I contacted did not respond back). My counselor wants me to join Toastmasters!!! Um, can you say, “WOW what a big jump?” Geez. I guess everything else I did: yoga and cooking classes seemed to easy for me to do.

Geez. Just typing out toastmasters makes my stomach drop. I have thought about doing it before she even suggested it. I will look into but the chances of me going before my next appointment are very slim. I’m too terrified. 😦

I need a case load of valium STAT

I’m not going to apologize for offending anyone cause no one gives a shit about what I have to say. Not digging for comments. Just stating the truth (and trying to say offensive stuff without feeling bad). Everyone else does it. ha.

I wish I could just kill myself. X wouldn’t get it. X has options. X has problems but can hide them well enough to work in an office. I hate X…hate is a strong word. Resent is probably better. I hear X everyday talk about how “her (my) life isn’t that bad”. How would you know X? Have you ever walked in my shoes? If you are anything like me, well you can’t because #1.  you can act very well while at work. #2. I hear about your after work activities. So I know we are living VERY different lives.

X = 85% of America

One day America will be filled with type A, out for blood, extroverts.  (Where will art go?) To introverts it may feel that way now but nah, we are still around. I’m not multiplying AKA breeding. That is a good thing. I do not want to leave a child with my genes in this world. It is only going to get worse. The weak in America don’t breed…the weakest of the weak. I’m proof of Darwin’s theory. Survival of the fittest.

Yep, I’m  over generalizing (big time) because I’m ticked off & spitting it out fast. I’m an introvert with no artistic gifts…or gifts of any kind.

No I really don’t hate X and that’s what makes me resent X. How can I ever be at peace if I resent X? I will never be able to call myself a Buddhist.

WAIT – Back to work: DX I do not feel entitled to work at home. And OX I have lost a lot of respect for you believing something just because DX said it. I heard DX say that to a group of people (vomit) including OX. I hope you would not just believe everything she says like everyone else. I gave you too much credit.

About working @ home: HELLO?! I didn’t invent this concept. More than half of “our” department works at home. What a privilege. They love it and take full advantage of the benefits and get really pissed when they have  to come in. 😉 Yes I would like that but I’m new and I know they aren’t sending people home so my chances were (and are now officially nil) very slim of ever being that lucky. Yes the thought made me drool…

But entitled? Honey, no. (condensing, yes). I know I would work better in a quiet environment. I’m Woody Allen neurotic. (I need another example). Offices and me don’t get along. That is why I had the breakdown. If I can’t work in an office environment, I will be jobless. (remember, McDonald’s and Target aren’t viable options). I did ask if I could work for one day in a conference room. Bad move on my part. That was another day when I was fed up. She understandably said no & gave reasons etc.

But all I could think of is how quiet it would be. How serene…better than working at home probably. I walk by those empty rooms, some with computers and yearn. But that “can’t” happen. It really could but it isn’t going to so case closed. I’ve worked in quiet at my current job and I totally get lost in my work. I like it. But that won’t happen again. I do work better when alone. It has been proven on the rare chances I’ve had that privilege.  All the office distractions are no good for me. I’m surprised (and thankful), I can get any work done.

I was 90% sure I was getting fired terminated today. All the whispering and then get this: When I walked up to the elevators, there was a group of people there. That in itself is unusual. Usually I’m the only person there. Anyhow it took the elevator too long to come so I started heading toward the stairs. And what did someone YELL? “Last Day!” rofl. Of course she could have been talking about it being Friday but I allowed that to put a deep fear in me. A heavy sense of dread fell on me and it lasted all day.

So I’m still there. Do I think my days are numbered? Yes.

One more thing: DX did the same thing I did. She admitted this in a meeting….with the manager and all of our department. Did she get a verbal warning?? No. No one (besides my manager maybe because of me) even blinked an eye. No one realized that this is wrong because it one of those dumb rules. Do you know how much I wanted to ask my manager, “So that’s okay to do??” I wouldn’t have said, “is she getting a warning?” because I didn’t like when I got one. DX, You may not have a sense of entitlement but you are entitled my dear. I know life isn’t fair. I don’t need to be told that…..

Without this job I would rarely update this thing. Then I would be blogging about organizing, flea markets etc. I’m so depressed. All I plan to do this weekend is take some books back to the library but there is a huge event going on. Even though I live only a short ride away, I may not be able to make it. I hope I can renew my books…