Heading Down Hill

Countdown:

16 days until my mini-vacation

From my private journal – October 5, 2021

Is today the day of my breakdown? I cried a lot today. In front of my ADHD coach! I never cry anymore. It might be the Adderall. 

Not sure? I did ask for a short notice day off for tomorrow and I got it! Shocked. But she said yes. 

I don’t feel secure in my job at all. Time to look for a new job or double down on my business but I can’t do freelance work with the mandatory overtime. 

Frustrating.

I got TWO errors today. They might fight one. So not sure. But I was in such a good mood and then BAM. Errors. Fuck. (UPDATE: I only got one error. They took the other error back because I stood up for myself and told them they were wrong!)

My coach mentioned that I might have a visual processing problem! Interesting. Might be true. I never thought of that. I know I have a sound processing issue. I will look into that. 

I feel hopeless, helpless, frustrated, sad, angry, and misunderstood.

From my private journal – October 10, 2021

(What I plan to do on my mini-vacation)

Write your rough draft of why you want to pause.

I want to pause because life is shitty right now, and I need to figure out some next steps. I also want clarity. I need a break. I hate almost everything about my life.

Recently my emotions have been all over the place due to Adderall. Happy, sadness, & anger.

The story I’m making up: I have no control over my life. I have no support. No one cares about me. I’m the only one working a lot.

What I plan to do on my pause is….

  • Gain clarity on what I want the next few years to look like. Have a plan for what I need to do now to get there.
  • A successful pause would be actionable steps (a plan) on what to do these next two months. I plan to rest more than usual during my pause.
  • I hope to be calmer after the pause. Not as angry.
  • I want to have a plan for a digital release in January of 2022. Decide whether I need to take a class and/or hire a coach.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Alana Davis, Charlotte Martin, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Boyce Avenue, Grace Potter, JoJo, Kacey Musgraves

TV of the Week:  Big Brother, Housewives, Elize Matsunga (sp?) 

I finished the Elize show. I don’t recommend it. It’s interesting, but should not have been a show.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, Court Junkie, The Vanished, I Have ADHD, The Followers, Tara Brach

Books of the Week:

I finished ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction – from Childhood Through Adulthood by Edward M. Hallowell , John J. Ratey ★★★★ I have to read this again. Per usual, too much talk about kids with ADHD. But a decent read.

Goal for Next Week: Not to kill myself or anyone else.

Weekend Plans: I worked most of Saturday (yesterday). I did marketing stuff for my business today. I have learned my lesson and will not work ALL Sunday even if I feel like it. I only took one dose of Adderall today. One dose only lasts for 3 hours for me.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰 

Are You My Missing Piece?

I was on the wrong medication the whole time. ADD is overdiagnosed in kids. If a kid is hyper and makes bad grades, they are automatically labeled as someone with ADHD. However, adults are underdiagnosed. 

How many adults are on antidepressants when they aren’t depressed? I was depressed in college. But, I haven’t been depressed without reason for at least ten years! I’m not depressed. I have ADHD. 

I wish doctors were more aware of adult ADD and bipolar disease. Being on an antidepressant when you have bipolar is extremely dangerous. It could lead to suicide or a manic episode. 

Anyway, I’m finally on Adderall. It is the medicine I need. It WORKS! It has its downsides, of course. 

It does raise blood pressure and lowers appetite. Not for everyone. Since I’ve been dealing with gastroparesis for 8-9 months, I’m used to eating when I’m not hungry, so I’m doing it now. I have a schedule. You have to eat even though you’re not hungry. People with ADHD can often go hours forgetting to eat, but I’m used to my schedule now.

I am eating less, but my weight was 114 last week. I probably have lost a pound since taking Adderall. As long as it’s not due to gastroparesis, I’m fine. I don’t want to weigh less than 110. 

The blood pressure thing is going to be interesting. I go see a NEW PCP on Tuesday. He may want me off Adderall if my BP is high, but I’m not going off. I have been waiting for most of my life to feel normal. Dude, you can give me a medicine for hypertension, but I’m not going off the Adderall. I just started! AND IT WORKS!

I have less anxiety (until the medicine wears off). I’m content, and I’m less frustrated. I’m working better. I’m able to focus. I think more clearly. Etc. 

I will ask for a higher dose. 10 MG is extremely low. Of course, I don’t know how things will go, but I’m guessing 20 MG twice a day will work for me. I want to try three times a day (I’m taking it twice a day on most days), but I can’t let anything affect my sleep. 

Some people only take meds when they have school or work. But #1. I work almost every day #2. It helps with anxiety, and I’m always anxious, so why would I take a day off? #3. It helps me with my mood. Uh, hell yeah, I want to feel content. 

If I remember, I will take about non drug alternatives to helping with ADHD. I have tried a few things. I will review those later. Maybe next time.

Today is Sunday. I worked from 7 AM to 9 PM yesterday (with a nap in between), so I could take most of today off. I’m only taking one dose today. It does raise my BP, so my body could use a break. 

When I go on my vacation in late October, I might try skipping a day or just taking one dose a day. Or I might take one amount a day.

Speaking of my vacation, I’m so excited!!! I do want new tires before I go. I still have to do that. I think I only need one tire, but I may as well get four new ones since I have to get my car inspected in November. 

I’m buying one new book today that I can’t find in the library. But other than that, I’m not spending any more money on unnecessary stuff until November. I need to focus on getting $5K in my moving savings account, so I feel comfortable moving. I only have $1,100 for my move because I decided to take a vacation, and hey, why not buy some winter clothes?

In my defense, I did buy the winter clothes from ThredUp (an online thrift store – aff. link). However, I don’t go anywhere, so most of these clothes are for when I walk the dog and to wear around the house. I would share pics of all the clothes I ordered, but I ordered the plainest sweaters. I don’t care how I look when I walk around the house or the neighborhood. I wear wrinkle shit all the time. LOL. 

I did buy a few things I will wear when I go to the grocery store and doctor’s appointments. I HATE the cold, so I’m only going grocery shopping once a month starting in November. Anyhow, here are some of the nicer clothes I bought from ThredUP:

This jacket will be used exclusively for dog walking. I hope it will last all winter, but I seriously doubt it. It’s probably not thick enough.
I love cardigans. This is for the rare occasion when I actually go somewhere.
I will be wearing this sweater every time I leave my house this winter.
An example of what I will be wearing around the house. The other clothes are so plain, I’m not going to post them, but for some reason I think this will be comfy to work in. I can’t wait to get this.

This post is getting long, so I’m going to get right to finishing it up with what I consumed this week.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Jewel, Boyce Avenue, Chris Stapleton, Ellie Goulding, JoJo, Joss Stone

TV of the Week:  Big Brother, Housewives, Elize Matsunga (sp?)

Rooting for Xavier to win BB. He played the best game. He’a a Taurus. The end. Kyland is trash. I always knew that.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, What Should I Read Next?, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Southlake, Murdaugh Murders

Books of the Week: I finished reading two books over these past two weeks. I finished:

All the Things We Never Knew: Chasing the Chaos of Mental Illness by Sheila Hamilton ★★★★★ This is one of the best books I’ve read this year.

Victim F From Crime Victims to Suspects to Survivors by Denise Huskins & Aaron Quinn ★★★★1/2 Great book. If you like true crime or nonfiction, I recommend this. My only complaint is that it is about 50 pages too long.

Goal for Next Week: To not lose my mind. I’m working 60 hours again next week. I have 2 hours off from my day job to go to the doctor. I would like to start reading a new book next week during work breaks. Hopefully, if I do all the exercises in the book, it will lead to me being less confused. I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life because working 60 hours a week sucks. The book is – Pause: Harnessing the Life-Changing Power of Giving Yourself a Break.

Weekend Plans: I’m going to eat lunch and then work on marketing my business a little. Then walk my dog. Nothing too exciting.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰 Bye.

Bad Blood

I have to work 60 hours this week and another 60 hours next week. Most people don’t have to work this much. I want this to end. I don’t mind working 60 hours for myself. I’m only working 10 hours a week for myself. The rest is for the man. The horrible man.

I do get two days off from my corporate job the week of Sept. 6. I’m also off on Sept. 20. I’m desperate for a getaway with my dog. Instead of planning my birthday trip for May 2022, I should be planning a trip for October or November. I have to think about it.

I have decided not to move right now. I’m saving money instead. I can’t afford to rent A HOUSE within an hour of where I live now. The high rent prices are kind of a new thing within the last year. I lived in a house in a nice neighborhood for five years. I will be able to afford to rent in about two years. But I don’t want to wait that long. I’m not living in a good situation. It’s affecting my physical and mental health.

Work is also affecting my health, but I know I would do better if I just lived in a house with my dog. I have proof from the past.

I still haven’t been able to get the kind of medication I need for my ADHD. So why can Richard quickly get medicine, but I have to drink caffeinated water and soda? I’m not supposed to be drinking soda, but soda is much cheaper than the water. And I happen to love Mountain Dew. I might consider just paying double for the damn water. Trust me; I’m glad caffeinated water exists. I wish I didn’t have to order it from Amazon.

In summary, life sucks right now. If I have to work this much, I want to be able to live alone. BTW, I can’t live in an apartment due to noise. I have sensory processing issues (due to ADHD or autism), and noise triggers me. I used to have panic attacks when I lived in a townhouse. I couldn’t work. I wasted money on hotels. It was horrible.

I have a new therapist. She lives where I went to college. It is a Republican, conservative, Christian city. I’m so far from that. I’m not sure this is going to work. She asked whether I had a boyfriend. When I said “no,” she didn’t follow up with “a girlfriend? a partner?” And she seemed shocked when I said I wasn’t a Christian.

She thinks my life is strange. It is, but I don’t see it that way. Well, I know the way I grew up was weird, but I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. And of course, I know my life is strange now, but the strange parts are the parts I like for the most part.

I wouldn’t say I like working so much. And I don’t like how I am forced to live—those two things I would like to change. By next June, I may start looking for houses to rent again. Not counting my emergency fund*, I have money saved for rent. Hopefully, by June, I will feel more secure and have much more saved.

*My ER fund is only to be used if I’m unemployed and not making enough in my business. So I hope I don’t need it for a long time.

I hope the people in Louisiana stay safe. It sounds really bad right now.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Alana Davis, Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift, Boyce Avenue, Donna Missai, Kacey Musgraves, Maggie Rogers, Rachel Platten

TV of the Week:  Big Brother, Housewives

Movies of the Week: Midnight in Paris, All Good Things

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed All Good Things. I thought it was too short. I’m sure it was 100X better because I am watching the Robert Durst trial. I found the movie fascinating.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, Generation Why, True Crime Garage, Crimelines, What Should I Read Next?, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Women & ADHD

Books of the Week: I finished reading:

Back in the Burbs by Avery Flynn and Tracy Wolff ★★★

Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey ★★★★ 1/2

Goal for Next Week: Survive. Find a ADHD doctor or at least make a spreadsheet of doctors to call. I’m thinking of hiring someone to make the phone calls. I will probably have a list of at least 20-30 doctors. Maybe I could pay them $50 to $60? That’s a fair rate. Way better than I get paid if it only takes 5 minutes for each call. I hate calling people and I don’t have time during working hours.

Weekend Plans: Today is Sunday. I slept in today. My dog LOVED it. I worked all day yesterday and after I publish this blog, I’m going to work and then take my dog for a walk.

Have a great week! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Time to Get a Gun

How are you feeling today?

Rejected, hurt, confused, tired. 

Take some time to describe your vision of the Desired Life in detail:

I want to be able to move around. I want to get up when I want and do whatever. I want to feel like I don’t need a therapist. I want to not work for the man. I want to enjoy what I do every day. I want to travel. 

How would you describe the Depression you are currently experiencing?

I feel unsupported and rejected. I feel all alone. No one cares or gets me. No one helps me. Everyone leaves.

What are your Negative Beliefs?

No one likes me.  No one can like me. No one wants to support me. Everyone hates me.

Take a moment to write down your reflections about your session:

Tomorrow is a new today. Maybe I do have some say in my future.

Grateful for:

Tomorrow is Thursday! 

I stand to lose from winning

I’m so confused. I need to blog and listen to Miranda Lambert.


I really need to live alone. I’m happiest that way. I hate all these restrictions on my life. Work, roommate, and government restricitons. I was diagnosed with severe ADHD. Well, guess what? I can’t get medicine for it. And money is NOT the issue.

It’s the stupid laws. I can only get a stimulant drug with an in-person doctor. Well, there are no in-person doctors that are taking new patients. So I’m stuck with some shitty medicine that supposedly treats hyperactivity. Guess what? I have ADD. I’m not hyper.

Fuck. I feel like I have had the worst luck recently when it comes to medical stuff. Who gets gastroparesis? Only me. I think about 10% of the population has it, but unless the person goes through a traumatic event or burns out (me), it doesn’t show up enough to cause problems. I’ve had GP probably all my life. It only affected me when I was working 24/7 (like right now).

So no magic fix for me (a stimulant). I probably won’t take it long. It causes sleepiness. And I quit meds that do that. I can’t afford to be sleepy. I need to PAY ATTENTION. What a fucking concept!

Anyway, I might have a house to rent. The worst thing about the whole thing is that it is 6 hours away from me. Who has time for this shit? Not me. BUT it might be worth it. Another downside is that it is in a small town—less than 1,500 people. LOL.

It would be weird to live there. So I’ll be the person who never leaves their house. S said I could see the house after August 21. The move-in date is September 1. I’m so nervous right now. I can’t even think.

What happens to my current doctors? Do they have good internet? A MUST for work. Will I be able to find someone to mow my lawn until I get a lawnmower? The yard is HUGE. Even if I get a mower, when will I have time? These people are working me to death. What are the utility bills like? I know there isn’t a Walmart there, but how far do I have to go to get to a REAL grocery store.

My car is over ten years old. So, I won’t be able to keep coming back to where I live now. SIGH.

I have so many things to think about. I hate thinking these days. Why do I suddenly seem to have severe ADHD? Well, I’ve had signs all my life. But once I had to quit drinking coffee and Mountain Dew for the caffeine, my life went downhill. Why? Because the stimulant in the caffeine was helping me keep it together.

I’m not supposed to drink soda due to having GP, but I just started back this week realizing that caffeine HELPS me. I haven’t gotten sick. But I do have a little stomach pain. But I’m so freaking desperate. No one will give me the medicine I need, so I’m taking herbs and caffeine. The herbs make me slightly sleepy, so I will stop that if the ADHD medicine makes me sleepy too.

More on all this later. Time for pictures of the house that I MIGHT have. Three bedrooms. Two baths. There is a tenant in there now, so no pics of the inside. I hope if I choose to see it, I like the interior. I’m not picky, but I don’t want something falling apart either.

The view! I LOVE it.
SWOON! I love the outside.
Look at that balcony! You can see a nice view of the town from there.

When I look at these pictures, I get excited but when I think of really moving. SIGH. I don’t usually mind moving. I don’t even have much to move (no sofas or dining room tables etc). But moving anything 6 hours will be expensive. Bummer.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Miranda Lambert, Joss Stone, Lindsay Lohan, Marren Morris, Rachel Platten, Robyn, Taylor Swift, Tracy Chapman

TV of the week:  Big Brother, Housewives

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, So You Wanna Be a Witch,Generation Why, True Crime Garage, Crimelines, What Should I Read Next?, Court Junkie, Dear Gabby, Sword and Scale

Books of the Week: Currently reading –

Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder by Drs. Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey

Back in the Burbs by Avery Flynn and Tracy Wolff

Goal for Next Week: Survive! I forgot to mention that I have two days off next week. I would say that I wish I would have saved those days for the potential move BUT NO, I’m so freaking exhausted. I’m working about 60 hours this week!  

Weekend Plans: Mostly working. I might take my dog to the park on Sunday. I was going to take him on Tuesday (my day off) but it’s going to rain. I’ve worked 10 hours today. I’m out of it. There’s so much more to say. But I think I said enough for now.

Have a great week! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Fruits of My Labor

I’m so tired. Why are Sundays always like this? Last weekend, I was supposed to take my dog to the park, but everything ached, and I was fatigued. So, we didn’t go.

Yesterday was great! I worked all day (for my day job for one hour, and the rest was business stuff). I even felt a little optimistic. I rarely feel that way, especially since I’ve had gastroparesis.

I did leave the house today. I’m looking at houses to rent. Today I realized that I can’t do this. I don’t have time to look at a bunch of places. I work 50 hours a week (minimum). Plus, I’m tired and achy. I just can’t. So I don’t know what to do. Maybe wait until I have time off to search for houses? But what if I miss my dream house???

Anyway, the house I saw today was pretty good. I didn’t get to go inside—long story. I hate that I wouldn’t be able to walk my dog if I lived there. There are no sidewalks. I would have to walk on the narrow road. I would have to get in my car and drive to walk him. Um, sorry, I’m too tired for that, and I don’t have time.

The person one house over has a blue lives matter flag on his mailbox. And I saw an “All Lives Matter” sign on a church. LOL. I guess this is a white neighborhood. I didn’t see many people, but everyone I saw was white. The ‘blue lives matter’ folks don’t bother me. I think the All Lives Matter people are ignorant.

Would I still live there? YES. I don’t talk to neighbors. As long as they don’t bother my car, my dog, myself, or the house, I don’t care. It was quiet, but it was also a Sunday morning. I saw a basketball hoop in a person’s yard. UGH. I hate the sound of a bouncing basketball. Been there. Hated that.

Nice house. I would have to hire someone to mow the lawn because there is nowhere to store a lawnmower. I just emailed the guy back. I expressed interest, but I don’t expect much from this.

The last time I weighed myself, I was 109 pounds. That’s decent. I have a follow-up appointment with the GI on August 16. The only medicine I take for gastroparesis is an anti-nausea medicine (Zofran). I had to take it three times this week. I usually go weeks without needing it.

O, GOD. The guy with the house already emailed me back. I don’t know if I trust him. Hmmm. I’m still thinking about how I won’t be able to walk my dog, and he wants to do it month to month. I did that once and lived in the house for five years so…

ARGH. But I really want to move. Oh, and there is nothing nearby except gas stations. I did see a Mexican restaurant and a church with a Spanish sign, so it might be a Hispanic/white neighborhood. But there is nothing there. I want a park or maybe a store. Something.

I still have to investigate this guy. I was able to look inside through some of the windows. I was impressed. It was fixed up. There is new carpet etc. Three bedrooms. Two bathrooms.

Here are some pics of the house I’m probably NOT getting:

Bedroom
living room

I’ve been working. I’m waiting on a new client to sign a contract. They* are supposed to pay me $350 a month. I think they got cold feet. I have to go. I still have more work to do before I get into bed.

*They are nonbinary. I have never mentioned this, but I’ve been nonbinary before everyone knew what it meant. I still use she/her pronouns, though. I need to blog about this one day. My gender (just like sex) is not important to me so I rarely think about it.

Music of the week – Boyce Avenue, Ariana Grande, Jack Ingram, Jewel, Rachel Platten, Taylor Swift, Bethany Dillon, Carly Rae Jepsen

I really have to go if I want to go to bed on time. Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🙂

I Quit

I’m wearing my $559 Michael Kors glasses. Unfortunately, I don’t have vision insurance. Well, I have free vision insurance, which means the eye exam was free. Thanks to me having Triple A, the price went down. With my free insurance, the glasses would have cost $660.

Before anyone thinks Michael Kors was the problem, the frames only cost $136. The cheapest frames were $90, so I thought, why not go with MK? I had picked out light purple Liz Clairborne frames. They were on sale for $130, but the woman thought dark purple looked better on me. 

The reason why my glasses cost so much was due to me needing a progressive lens. Trifocals. And I foolishly let them put scratch-resistant lenses in. I wanted the blue light because all I do is sit in front of a computer for 12+ hours a day. I should have told the lady at Lens Crafter that my budget was $300. She just threw everything in and acted like $600 wasn’t a big deal.

I picked purple glasses, of course! I’m still getting used to them. I drove in them for less than 10 minutes. I like reading with them, but I’m still having problems seeing my work computer for my day job. Now I’m wondering whether the prescription is strong enough. My next eye exam is on July 4, 2022. I hope I don’t have to get new lenses. I will have real vision insurance next year, so it shouldn’t be as expensive.

I’m still having problems walking with these glasses. But other than that, everything is okay. I’ve never worn glasses before. Isn’t that obvious?

I’m researching so many things right now. I don’t have time for anything. That’s why I haven’t been blogging here as of late. I need a new PCP. I might take an ADHD test. BUT I might have Lyme disease and not ADHD. (They often get confused because some of the symptoms are the same). I had a tick bite years ago. I never got it checked out. 

I want a solution. Antidepressants aren’t helping, but my life is also kind of shitty. The only thing going for me is my dog and my business. However, due to my day job, I cannot spend as much time marketing my business. If it weren’t for my “old” clients, I wouldn’t have much business going on. 

I see my living situation and my day job as my main problems. Everything comes down to money. (In a capitalistic society, that’s a common issue). 

I’m fully vaccinated—no horrible side effects from the second shot. I had to get the vaccine later than most people because I was sick from gastroparesis. I feel bad for people who aren’t getting the second shot because they can’t take time off from work if they get sick. I took time off in advance in case I got ill. 

Update on my dad: He’s okay. He’s in a nursing home until my sister can find an independent living place for him. He has veteran disability benefits, so he can live there for free. Right now, he’s in Maryland. But, for some reason, he wants to be in Virginia. I love Virginia (I would love it more if it never snowed), but I don’t know why he wants to live here. He’ll be happy in an independent senior place because he likes to go out every day, and now he can’t. 

I feel like I have so much to say since I haven’t done an actual post in weeks, but I’ll be back in a week or two. Unfortunately, I don’t have control over my time. One week I’m working 45 hours. The following week I’m working 60 hours. No control. 

I’m so over people talking about critical race theory. On both sides. #random 

Weight update: I’ve been stuck at 107 pounds for the past few weeks.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Dave Matthews Band, Kelly Clarkson, Lana Del Rey, Mariah Carey, Natasha Bedingfield, Patty Griffin, Brandy Clark, Carrie Underwood

TV of the week:  Big Brother, Wimbledon, Grey’s Anatomy 

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crime Junkie, Generation Why, True Crime Garage, I Have ADHD, All In with Chris Hayes, Fresh Air, Murder in Alliance, Jury Duty: The Trial of Robert Durst, Paper Ghosts, Crimelines

Books of the Week: Currently reading –

I finished reading Somebody’s Daughter by Ashley C. Ford. Great book. It’s a memoir. 4.5/5. I could relate to so much of it. 

I also finished Demons Forever by Sarra Cannon (3.5) and No One is Coming to Save Us (4) by Stephanie Powell Watts. The book by Watts had many great quotes and 75% of it is great, but it’s too long.

I’m trying to finish a bunch of books from the library. My goal was to read 24 books this year. Well, I already passed that. 

Goal for Next Week: Post on my business Instagram 2 times next week. I haven’t posted twice a week in about a year. I don’t have a goal to keep this up. Social media is too time-consuming. I would like to post once a week. 

Weekend Plans: I finished working overtime for my day job today. I only worked about two hours. Now I have to work on business stuff. I’m not even going to try to get everything done today. I will be working tomorrow too. At least, the weather is nice. 

Have a great week! Thanks for reading. 🙂

June 2021 Overview

Here are a few entries from my private journal. I deleted some names. June was a roller coaster. Btw, there are probably a lot of grammatical errors. I type these entries on my phone.

June 3, 2021

Ugh! Overtime next week. Boo.

And I’m supposed to start with A next week. Sigh. Yes, it makes me angry. They are taking my rest, sanity and opportunities from me. 

I hate my day job. But thanks for the healthcare.

No therapy this week. Boo to that too.

I’m nervous. Nervous about everything. The unknown. Work.

My dog is laying his head on my pillow like a human. He’s such a sweet boy. 

Grateful for: free time today


June 6, 2021

I wonder if my therapist is guilty of gaslighting? Does she even know what that is? I barely know but she does question some of my experiences. I feel. 

I don’t often interrupt her but maybe I should instead of just nodding. 

Ugh. Tomorrow begins a non great week. I’m going to try to work most of my time on Saturday.

I meditated for two days in a row. That’s good.

Grateful for: nice walk with my dog


June 10, 2021

This is supposed to be about a possible gastroparesis business. 

I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing group classes unless I couldn’t see the people. Maybe. But I can do other things. 

I would like to slowly explore having a resource for people with GP. 

Right now I don’t have time. But I may have some time when/if the VA business slows down and I stop doing overtime. 

It just feels right. I don’t have clarity on getting a certification. Because that costs money and I know all the stuff won’t apply to me but I will learn a lot. Not that I have time right now for school. I need time and money. 

But I can provide free resources and support.


June 20, 2021

UGH! My mom kicked my dad out. The day before father’s day. I will never forget. At least we got to spend some time together yesterday. I took him to Walmart alone. Mom wasn’t feeling well. 

He gave me $20 and when a woman was asking (begging) for money, I gave her $2. Then my dad asked, “How much did you give her?” I told him and he gave me $2 back. That was nice. He never got his father’s day card, though. 

She’s too paranoid to live with. I wish I could buy a house. Or rent. I was looking on Zillow. So many nice places. But I’ve got a long way to go. 

Still don’t know about OT this week.

Hope my dad is doing well. I hope he has someplace to stay.

Fuck her!


June 27, 2021

Took my dog on an impromptu park trip today. It was nice but too many dogs there. I might do one more summer Sunday. 

My mom still sucks. If she knew he was sick, why did she kick him out? I wasn’t aware of how out of it he was. 

To play catch up, dad was found wondering in Pennsylvania. Luckily someone took him to the ER or called for an ambulance. 

So my sister is looking for nursing homes. So glad she is doing that. So grateful for that. And I told her that on Facebook. What my mom did was shitty. 

I’m supposed to be planning this next quarter or at least the next week. 

Grateful for: my sister


The end. These aren’t all the entries, of course. I journaled almost every day this month. LOTS of drama at the end of the month. I paid for my dad to have a hotel for 3 nights, but he didn’t want to pay for more nights or he really doesn’t have the money. He is in the ER (long term ankle pain and disoriented) until my sister can find a nursing home. I hope I can visit him this summer or fall.

MY MOM SHOULD APOLOGIZE.

Thanks for reading. Have a good week. Get some rest. 🙂

Light at the end of this long ride

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. But that’s every day. 

Let’s start with the good news first. One of my clients was paying me $18 per hour. My rate is now $20 per hour, but I had no problems with her rate. On Monday, she asked me to start charging her $25 per hour!! I was so shocked and thrilled. My rate should probably be $25 by now, but I’m too scared to do that, and I’m not doing that. 

In May 2021, I made the most money I’ve ever made in my business. That’s despite taking 5 days off for my birthday. I’ve been in biz for 18 months.

I just took a whole marijuana gummy. It probably won’t make a difference. I took a half of one last week for the first time, and I got zero reaction. Well, I got nauseous. With gastroparesis, my food doesn’t digest. Guess what? That includes edibles!! So I shouldn’t be shocked that I can’t digest weed in this way.

Update: About 3 hours later, I went into a pretty deep sleep, and I felt moments of maybe being a little high. I’m doing okay most nights with sleep so, I don’t know what good this medical marijuana is doing. 

I made a telehealth appointment with the pharmacy at the marijuana dispensary. It’s free. I just want to know what my options are. I’ve never smoked, and I don’t want to start now. And I can’t eat it. This dispensary has limited options. I’ve heard patches exist, but I’m pretty sure they don’t sell patches. 

I need glasses! I’m not sure if it’s because I’m malnourished or if it’s due to getting older. I have an eye exam scheduled for July 2. 

My weight is between 106 and 107. At this point, I would be happy at 110. But it isn’t about the weight. It’s more about being malnourished. I’m going to see a new PCP in July or August. I need to get labs done to make sure things are going okay. 

Some pretty big stuff is going on, but I need time to process it. I may blog about it later. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Maria Mena, Bethany Dillon, Audrey Assad, Mariah Carey, Rachel Platten, Taylor Swift, Tori Kelly, Amy Grant

Maria Mena never misses. I love her.  

TV of the week:  The Handmaid’s Tale, Cruel Summer

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie, Generation Why, The Piketon Massacre, True Crime Garage

Books of the Week: Currently reading – 

Living (Well!) with Gastroparesis by Crystal Zaborowski Saltrelli

Demons Forever by Sarra Cannon

No One is Coming to Save Us by Stephanie Powell Watts

Goal for Next Week: I am back to meditating now. I’ve done it every day for two weeks. For next week, I just want to do well at my day job since a new period starts. I hope we don’t have required overtime next week. This week we had five hours. Next week will probably be the same.

Weekend Plans: Today is Sunday. Not the best weekend I’ve ever had due to other people’s actions. I’ve done most of my work for my clients, so I don’t have a lot of work to do today. I’m doing a little marketing for myself. I want to get some reading done. I’m looking forward to walking my dog later today.

Have a nice week! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Invest in My Happiness

I’m stuck at 105 pounds. I was up to 107, and then I did all that walking and hiking on vacation. Since then, I’ve been 105. I was down to 103 when I was my sickest. 105 doesn’t seem that great. I should weigh at least 125. But I’m happiest at 135.

It occurred to me yesterday that of course, I’m stuck. I keep eating the same things day after day! With gastroparesis, I don’t have a lot of food options. I cleaned out my freezer yesterday. I gave so much food away. I can’t eat it any longer. If I could processed food (like I used to), I would weigh at least 110.

I’m wearing a size four pair of jeans I recently ordered from ThredUp. I should have ordered size two. But I thought for sure I would gain enough to wear a size four. I did order one pair of size two jeans. I haven’t tried them on yet.

Anyway, I started a liquid multivitamin because most of the food I can eat doesn’t have many nutrients. I hope my body is absorbing the vitamin. With gastroparesis, the liquid could sit in my stomach. Who knows?

I’m so pissed at my workplace. They don’t want me to be great. We had a break from mandatory overtime this week. But next week, I have to do ten extra hours. I’m physically and mentally sick. PLUS, I’m running a business. I hate them!

How am I supposed to ever leave and get my business off the ground if I’m always working for them? They are hiring more people (temps, I think) BUT training is 6 to 8 weeks. Does that mean we have eight more weeks of working 50 hours a week? Just shoot me.

If I were 25 years old with no major illnesses and no business, I would be OK with working extra hours. However, that is not my life.

I’m supposed to get my second COVID vaccine next Saturday. I took that the following Monday off in case I have side effects. I decided to get the vaccine because my GP (gastroparesis) isn’t that bad right now. I can eat without vomiting, and I’m not as nauseous.

My medical marijuana card should be here in 20 days or so. Weed will be legal here in July, so I don’t know if I will use the card. That might help with appetite.

I had a great trip with my dog. I’m bummed that I’m back. LOL. The cabin was nice. I loved the beaches. One was better than the other. The one farther away (about a mile) is really nice. It was pretty much empty. I had one conversation with a lady about my dog. Other than that, I didn’t talk to anyone.

I slept and read a lot. I walked about 5 miles a day. That’s the only way to get to the beach. It isn’t accessible for people with problems walking. Next year, I’m going to the actual beach or a different state park. State parks are cheaper, which is why I went this year.

My dog and the beach don’t get along well. And only expensive hotels accept dogs. I went in 2019 with my dog. He growled at every dog in the lobby. It was embarrassing. At one point, I thought they might say he was too aggressive and kick us out! One of the workers (from the kitchen, I believe) was complaining about my dog barking. Not good.

Weekly

Music of the week: Jewel, John Mayer, Joss Stone, Mariah Carey, Taylor Swift, Amy Grant, Ariana Grande, Bishop Briggs

TV of the week:  The Handmaid’s Tale

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Confronting Columbine, Abraham Hicks Daily, We Can Do Hard Things, Generation Why, The Piketon Massacre, True Crime Garage

Books of the Week: I’ve read so many books since I’ve done a list here. I don’t have time to list all the books here. Currently reading –

Living (Well!) with Gastroparesis by Crystal Zaborowski Saltrelli

Demons Forever by Sarra Cannon

Goal for next Week: Start meditating again. I used to be so good at it. I haven’t meditated for two days straight in a month! Next week is probably not a good time to stat with work and all, but I’ll try. I also want to keep journaling in my ‘private’ journal.

Weekend Plans: I just got back from walking my dog. It’s so hot and lovely. I went grocery shopping earlier today. I will probably work for about an hour this evening. My clients keep giving me new stuff to do. Tomorrow I’m going to try and take it easy because I know next week will be hell with the mandatory overtime.

Thanks for reading. Have a great day. 🙂 If I don’t update it’s probably because they are working me to death.