from heaven

2011 started off shitty. Very shitty. March was awesome and I didn’t even do anything, 😉 (I would like to thank the The Selection Committee and VCU.) It is the feeling of aliveness. Yes 10% of me is wondering, “Will I feel a huge letdown when this is over?” It used to happen all the time. The Letdown. I think this will be different. It is kind of like going home after NYC. It was nice but dude, I gotta get back to my life. And right now college basketball is engulfing my life. I think I will be relieved whether VCU wins or loses tonight. In fact, if they win it will be more craziness….

This has been good. This is good.

I can’t for school to be OVER. I’m so over it. Now I know what I can or cannot do. Five more weeks, I think. School just stops my life. I already have work for that. Anyhow 5 more weeks.

I stopped taking Wellbutrin. I know that is not the right thing to do. NEVER do that. But he switched me to a normal dose. Well the normal dose comes in coated pills. Do you know how nasty that coated crap is to drink? I took it a week ago. I gagged. THE END. The low dose isn’t coated so I’m willing to try that. Will it be effective? Probably not because I don’t know anyone who stays on the low dose.

Perhaps I’m not feeling the effects of stopping the WB, because of this exhilarating VCU run. How do I explain this to a doctor? I’ve been going for more than a year. I don’t even want to think of trying to explain the effect of a sport on my life. He might get it but judging from past experiences, I say no. lol. Some people don’t comprehend how something like this can make you feel so joyful. “What does that have to do with you?” You know…

So I’m here, happy, a little nervous. And I don’t know where I’m going tonight. If VCU wins, I’m definitely going out…I have two projects due on Monday so I don’t want to go nuts. I want them to win but I know this is going to be a bit much.

(Just an FYI: I’m thinking about removing my twitter account. I want to continue to get my news from twitter but I don’t want my blogged linked there. Like most things online, I feel like the negativity can crush any good feeling so I don’t know. In case anyone wonder where my twitter feed on this blog has gone).

My shadow

Eww, I just had to get offline. I think someone is using my bandwith. I’m not sure because it could have been a software/Windows update but I don’t think so. I just checked and it doesn’t look like anything was updating. Yes, I thought it was secure. Now I have to figure out how to find out if it is secure. I wasn’t doing anything on the net. Yet someone or something used 50MB (a lot since I have limited bandwidth) while I was working on a school assignment. I was using my textbook and then I went to check online to get more info and that is when I noticed that something was going on.

I have to get back online to finish this assignment (and to post this blog – lol).
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Wellbutrin XL tastes nasty. I crush the pill and drink it in juice. From what I read online, WB shouldn’t be crushed because it raises the risk of side effects. I haven’t had any side effects that I know of. I was hoping this would I would be less tired but Friday I yawned once every 5 minutes. I swear. I hate that. Sometimes I yawn so much at work that my mouth hurts when I get home. Listening to music helps. Most of the time I have it on “shuffle all” because I don’t want to fidget with the iPod while working. So sometimes boring music comes on (JAZZ) and the yawning starts back up again.

Of course I know all about the placebo effect but I think this is working a little. All I know is that I have a presentation due Monday night, and I did it all last night. I was drowsy but I kept at it. Normally my ADD (more on that later) symptoms would have kicked in. I expected it to take half the time it did. Yet I didn’t procrastinate. I finished it. I didn’t surf the net. Didn’t take a nap (not really possible – when it is warm the neighbors are loud = sigh). I did do it while watching the NBA all star festivities. It wasn’t like I had no distractions.

Speaking of ADD, I finally finished reading Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder by Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey. I probably couldn’t get diagnosed with ADD since I had good grades in school. How lame is that? There are doctors with ADHD. Hello?? And school was all I had. So why not do well in it? I can’t believe SOME doctors are using that to diagnose adult ADD. Anyhow, after researching the medications for ADD (stimulants), I’ve decided to not even pursue it. I was supposed to make an appointment last week to get tested. I do know adults who (legally? Haha) use ADD meds to get through college or just a work day. But I don’t want to take a stimulant for many reasons.

Everyone (okay only my shrink and therapist) keeps telling me that what I have is not ADD. I’m having these problems because I’m depressed. Okay. But I still have the symptoms of ADD. I’ve been depressed for 10 years and anxiety for more years so it is odd to me that the “ADD symptoms” would get worse in the past 2-3 years. But depression/anxiety can mess up your brain. I would love to get an X-ray of my brain, but that is really expensive. The insurance company wouldn’t even pay 5% of that charge.

With major depression, you may have symptoms that make it difficult to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy friends and activities. Some people have clinical depression only once in their life. Others may have it several times in a lifetime.

Ok fine!! I’m just depressed. But I bet the ADD meds would still help a lot. I think these doctors are too caught up in labels. My point is I have the symptoms of ADD. I don’t want the medication. Whatevs. Example: I hate grocery shopping. I want it over ASAP. Yet recently I’ve had a hard time doing that. I will just wander around (without the cart)- not looking for anything or even looking at interesting stuff. That is a little strange.

I’m getting off track. I wanted to post some of the most helpful tips (FOR ME) from the book. I’m sure all of this can be found online. Here are the notes I took from the book:

Keep a basket just for keys
Buy lots of wastebaskets and trash cans
Do what you are good at. (LOL! But what if that is nothing, sir?)
Find a good accountant and lawyers.
Delegate
Get regular physical exercise
Try Juice plus+ (too expensive), and/or Reliv,
Eat vitaman C – not the vitamins, get it from food
B12
Blueberries
Drink lots of water – lowers sodium also
Omega 3 fatty acids

I recommend the book to adults with ADD (link above). The author is a PHD and has ADD and he does not use medicine to control it.

Back to work. My therapist thinks I’m taking too many classes. However, at the time I registered I had no idea that whatever I have (major depression, okay) would get this bad. I did drop one class before school started. I wished I would have dropped 2 classes. What’s wrong with me? Thinking I’m capable of what normal people can do……:(

I have no patience & I hate waiting

The best rap line ever…That was a joke. Everyone knows Tupac was the greatest rapper of all time. But I love, love that by Jay-Z.

FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is what I screamed in my car several times. I rarely get my hopes up. I learned that at a very young age. If you have high expectations and you keep getting crushed, you will probably naturally be this way. But I don’t know. Some people are good at not dwelling on disappointments. Anyway, my doctor did nothing. I spent my life avoiding doctors. Now I have a bad PCP. (She gave me a thyroid test in July and I still don’t have the results. In fact, the test has not been viewed!).

And “my” shrink doesn’t know shit. I waited for a whole hour in the waiting room to be referred to someone else and I saw NO ONE. I give up. Fine. I’m dead. I’m just waiting for my body to expire. I’m done. Maybe this was a sign that getting referred wasn’t the answer. HOWEVER, in the meantime I will suffer. I used to be a A student. I will be lucky to get B’s this semester. In fact I’m counting on Cs. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. My house is unlivable. I have the attention span of a gnat. Should I go on?

Oh well. Everything is my fault. There is no such thing as mental illness.

edited to add: Oh well, I am a little less doom and gloom. Today my shrink prescribed Wellbutrin for me since my depression is getting worse. I just read about it and I’m willing to give it a chance. I thought it was just for depression but it is suppose to work for other things as well. Okay, I’m game. I’m glad there is a generic version. I didn’t know that….I’m on a very low dose. The lowest possible. Hmmm. Maybe he does know shit even though he admitted he didn’t know anything about a certain type of medicine.

I have homework to do. I wanted to post two great writing/journal prompts. They aren’t meant to be prompts but I saw them that way. I rarely use prompts in this blog or in my paper journal but I thought these two questions were interesting. From O Magazine (specifically) by the awesome Martha Beck.

1. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?

2. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?

There are 19 more questions in the article (from the February issue). I think #1 is the best question. I have nothing in me to answer either one at this time but I just wanted to share.