Slow Burn

It’s almost noon on Sunday. I’ve been working all morning. What else is new? I usually like to blog on Sunday mornings, but I had a project I wanted to finish. 

The business has been kind of slow. But it’s only January! I wanted to make $10K this year. In 2021, I made about $8,300. Not bad for doing this part-time, but I was always working. Hmmm. I am redoing my website and still trying to figure out how I want to make money. 

Do I want to concentrate on services like I did in 2021 or create more digital products? Digital products seem like a little less work, but the cost of the products are lower, and I feel like I have to market more. Guess who hates to market themselves? I don’t mind some things, but anything involving being or talking or video makes me uncomfortable.

Speaking of that…someone asked me to do a class for their membership! I said I was shy and blah, blah. Then they responded that the course could be taped. So now, I think I’m saying YES. I’m still not 100% sure. I don’t know my rate. I have made an online course before (talk about long hours!), but I’ve never done a one-off class. I should do this. It would be for great marketing. And it might help my social skills, but I don’t know about that. That would be a miracle. 

I will probably charge between $75 and $125. I still have to do research. I know experts charge at least $400 an hour. But I don’t know how long it will take me to prepare, tape the class, etc. So it’s hard to come up with a rate if you’ve never done it before. I hope I can get at least $75. 

Anyway, people still suck. It’s great when I can just listen to music or walk my dog and ignore that people exist. I love that! I did like talking to a few business owners on social media yesterday. Usually, I don’t get involved in conversations. 

I emailed animal control on my neighbors. Sorry for the abrupt transition. I’m rushing now. It’s a long story. I don’t like when their pitbull comes into my yard. I didn’t get my medicine two weeks ago because the pit bull was in or near my yard. MY MEDICINE. Some people don’t think that’s a big deal, but do you know how often mail is lost?? So they tried to deliver it right the first time and then have to do it a second time? WTF? 

Keep your damn dog in the house. They usually have him tied outback. According to my landlord, it’s illegal to have a dog (or any animal???) outside when it’s under 35 degrees. Unfortunately, it’s been under 35 at night for about 2 to 3 weeks. So what they do is bring him in and then let him loose about five times a day. I can’t make this up.

I’m not scared of him. He’s friendly. However, I don’t like that he defecates in the yard. I hate that shit. The point is this particular mail carrier (I think he’s new) doesn’t want to deliver mail when he sees a pit bull. 

It’s not just about mail. I was so scared FedEx wouldn’t deliver this laptop because of the dog. And next week, I have my groceries* coming on Tuesday at 9 AM. I do have a Blink camera. Walmart is known for coming early. So I will have to keep checking the camera, or maybe they have an app that will tell me? I have never had food delivered from Walmart before.

I did leave a note about ‘a loose dog’ I told the driver that if you see a loose dog, please call or text me and I will put a mask on and get my groceries. 

Another bad thing about a loose dog is that they could EAT your groceries. What a nightmare. This isn’t the greatest neighborhood, but I have left a package outside for an hour, and no one took it. One package was the Blink Camera. I may do a review of that later. 

*About the groceries. My fridge is empty. My dog ate one of my chicken thighs. He stole it from the bottom of the refrigerator. I could cook more thighs, but no, I’m gonna bitch about it. 

I can’t wait to get my food on Tuesday. I could have picked Monday, but I thought the store might be empty after the weekend. I guess I will have a better chance of getting my food if I choose later on in the week. I’m probably not going to make this a habit. My job is paying for some of the food. (Long story – Instead of giving us more money, they gave us a food card for healthy food only. I can only eat about 12 foods, so I can’t eat only healthy foods. I would die. But thanks!) 

Oh, and I might get fired soon. So I might not get the autism assessment in March. It’s not important enough for me to pay out of pocket. It’s not cheap. 

I might apply for another job by the end of the week. It’s at the same company I work at now. I’m only doing this because there would be no benefit disruption. Anyway, I hate this job, and I hate these people. Well, I like two people. I would probably like more if I knew them. They work from home in Florida. I didn’t hate the managers or supervisors for many years at this company. It all started when they forced me to go to a new department in 2020. 

Work is the main reason I’m so stressed out right now. I am only content when I’m walking my dog and most of the weekend. I was supposed to do overtime this weekend. It wasn’t mandatory. Whatever. I feel like everything I’m doing is a waste of time. They are paying me for now, so I will work until they fire me.

I was planning on leaving the company in 2023. I forgot what month makes sense, but I kind of need to stay there for over a year and a half. 

I will get unemployment for a little while if they fire me. I want disability because I am disabled. Try getting a job with social anxiety and call me back. Right now, I’m dealing with anxiety, depression, ADHD, and/or autism. Gastroparesis is not a significant issue right now. When I get stressed at work, I can’t eat. And sometimes, nausea comes back. But it’s not a real flare-up. 

It’s 12:30. We usually have lunch around 11:45 or noon. My dog will kill me or steal some nonexistent food from my fridge. So I have to go. 

I just took my dog outside. Guess who’s in the yard. The pit bull! URGH. Oops. It was the rottweiler. Not the pit bull. I never got a response from animal control, but I find it strange that a random guy starts bringing his rottweiler around when I’m outside the day after I email animal control. I take my dog outside around the same time every day. Anyway, I think it’s funny that my dog is considered the aggressive one out of a rottweiler and a pit bull. Btw, my dog is a corgi mix. I only say he is aggressive because he is the only dog barking and wanting to attack. LOL.

People suck. I love animals. Just don’t shit in my yard. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Alanis Morissette, Ellie Goulding, Patty Griffin, Sara Bareilles, Kelly Clarkson, Tracy Chapman, Jewel, India.Arie

TV of the Week:  Amazing Race, Housewives, Vanderpump Rules

Podcasts of the Week: The Vanished, Crimelines, Generation Why, 

Books of the Week: I’m going to try to finish Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke this week. It’s okay so far. I started a book by Stephen King. I can’t remember the name. It was okay, but I could tell I wouldn’t love it, so I gave up about 20% in. King’s book are so long. 

Goal for Next Week:  Sigh. I will commit to trying my best at work. But it is incredibly frustrating to work hard, and it is not good enough. I’m at the why bother stage. Trying hard and failing every day sucks.

I need to market my biz. I need to come up with my main service. I think I’m going to lower the price of my 6-month service. And I will not think of digital products for this week. I need to concentrate on one thing at a time.

As far as my book goes, I’m editing chapter 2. I will probably give that away free within two weeks and no more free chapters since I’ve decided to do the book in a personal essay format. I will offer free content, just not whole chapters. 

Oh, and I have to sell my Samsung Book Go on eBay. The weather is going to be okay for the next ten days, but I have to download the files I want. It’s not a lot. Then I guess I do a factory reset? I have never sold a laptop before. I’ll have to read about how to do that. First, I need packaging tape. I have no tape of any kind in this house. I would love to have the laptop sold before Feb. 1, but I have to list it on eBay first!

Weekend Plans: The weekend is almost over, and I have 800 things to do. So I won’t get overwhelmed, I will make my to-do list in my planner for the week. Unfortunately, I will still probably get overwhelmed. Too much. Too much. 

Thanks for reading! Have a great week. 

Can’t You See I’m Struggling?

Should disabled people have to advocate for themselves? Shouldn’t others help out? What a concept!

Anyway, a not pleasant experience happened on Monday evening. The guy across the street went off on my poor dog and me. Well, it was probably me. 

I heard what sounded like a gunshot. For a second, I thought, “Someone got shot.” Then I heard the guy yelling “fucking bitch” at me across the street. He said lots of things, but I stopped listening. I froze. I was taking my dog out to use the bathroom.

There were lots of commotion. I think my dog was barking at the guy. I can’t remember. He eventually used the bathroom. I think the guy was getting closer because my dog started growling. I didn’t look in his direction, so I didn’t know where he was. 

I was kind of pissed. LOL. So I went into the house and turned the porch light off. That was a mistake. The best thing to do is ignore people like that, and unfortunately, I reacted. 

I had work to do, and I had a meeting at 7 PM. I could not concentrate. I needed to get work done. I called the employee assistance program to see what they might say. He told me to get a gun or a taser. And he told me to call the police. 

I don’t like guns. I would be open to learning how to shoot a firearm, BUT I know I would end up getting pissed off at a moron and shooting them. Do I really want these morons to die? NO. I just want to be left alone. 

Or I might shoot myself, not while my dog is alive. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. I don’t know why he likes me, but he does. He is extremely attached to me. 

A taser? Has anyone heard of retaliation? I would end up getting shot by someone else, and once again, my dog would be left alone. I would be open to carrying a taser in a bad neighborhood where I don’t know anyone, and they have no idea where I live. That’s not a bad idea. But these people know where I live!

My therapist took this week off because she cares a shit about Christmas, or she doesn’t give a fuck. LOL. Anyway, I talked to another therapist on Tuesday night. She kind of said the same things, but she mentioned putting a men’s workboots on the porch. (Hello, they would get stolen). But every freaking person who lives by me, at least ten people all know I live alone. So why would I make 12 trips back and forth when taking the groceries in the house if I lived with someone? They better fucking help! 

Also, I’m always alone with my dog. Always. The neighbors would be dumb to think someone else lived here. Where is the person? Is it a ghost? I guess I should add that people are often outside, especially when over 60 degrees. I rarely go out and see no one. 

I’m used to living in bad neighborhoods. This is my third lousy neighborhood. I didn’t know this area was bad until I moved here. I’m not from here. I’m 40 minutes away from my hometown. 

Anyway, I’m thinking about getting a camera. But my landlord charges $100 for each hole in the wall. I kid you not. So if I ask in advance to drill a hole outside, will I have to pay upfront? Or will she take it out of the security deposit? But, of course, I never think about getting a security deposit back, so I don’t care about that. 

I anonymously asked on Facebook, what should I do? Of course, they all said to call the police. (UGH). But one guy left some helpful links to cameras on Amazon. The cheapest one was $400, and it involves more than one camera. Sigh. Due to my landlord and the cost, I think I only want one camera. If I owned this house, I would get two for the front and back. The front yard isn’t that big, so one camera should cover the yard and my car. 

I will probably email my landlord within 2 to 3 weeks. I saw a decent solar camera for $150. There are some downsides, like not keeping all the footage. It records, and then it goes away, so I would have no proof if I wanted to go to the police. BUT I would be able to see who it was. I can watch it live, but I don’t have time for that. I would get fired for not working!

So the camera is still on the table. No taser because everyone knows where I live. I can’t learn to shoot a gun because someone would “innocently” get killed, or I would kill myself. 

The police? This guy is either mentally unstable or has a learning disability of some sort. The #1 group of unarmed people killed are deaf people and mentally ill people. I don’t know what this guy had. I thought a gunshot would sound louder. He had something. But he lives with caregivers (I think). I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t let him walk around with a gun if they have any sense. I don’t know enough about fake weapons or different kinds of guns to know what he had. It didn’t sound like a firework, but New Year’s is coming soon, so maybe? 

I did tell my mom if anything happens, it is the guy across the street. She doesn’t know about the loud noise that sounded like a gun. I’m going to leave a note in the house that it is the “unstable” guy across the street if anything happens. I have to use Google Maps to get his address. 

SIGH. Nothing has happened since Monday. Oh, I forgot to mention that someone rang my doorbell for an hour after this incident. But I had the meeting at 7 PM, so I couldn’t answer the door. Then I was on the phone with EAP. They still rang the doorbell. After those two things were done, they rang the doorbell five more times, and I was too scared to answer. I can’t imagine ever answering my doorbell unless I had a camera. 

Other than that, nothing is going on. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Joy Oladokun, Jewel, Taylor Swift, Boyce Avenue, JoJo, Fiona Apple, Maria Mena, Adam Melchor

TV of the Week:  You, Housewives, Vanderpump Rules

Podcasts of the Week: The Vanished, Crimelines, Drop Your Buffs, Generation Why

Books of the Week: I’m still reading Both/And: A Life in Many Worlds by Huma Abedin. I have more than 50% to go. She talks about things that happened in 2005, and it seems like it happened yesterday. I’m also reading Not All Diamonds and Rosé: The Inside Story of The Real Housewives from the People Who Lived It by Dave Quinn. So juicy. I’ll have more to say once I finish this book. 

Goal for Next Week: Do better at work, but I feel like their standards are so high. I feel like I’m set up to fail. I did yoga once this week. I would like to relax during my break from work by doing yoga, taking a quick hot shower, or meditating. Meditation doesn’t work for me much anymore. My mind is racing so much. I used to could meditate. Now, it is not relaxing. It’s a chore. 

I’m also getting my house deep cleaned on January 3, so I’m going to try to get the little things off the floor. I do not need a deep clean. I have an inspection in January, but the place is not dirty. I’ve only been here since November 8. Do I want to mop the floors? No. She has a business, and she’ll do it. I have to tell her I’m sadly allergic to essential oils. She is known for leaving the houses she cleans with a deep smell of essential oils. OMG. I would die. I wouldn’t be able to work for the rest of the day. I would be sneezing three times a minute and having trouble breathing. I used to love essential oils. I can’t even use shower gels now. THAT SUCKS. 

Weekend Plans: Today is Friday. I was supposed to get a booster shot today, but I would have to drive 40 minutes to my hometown. I’m not doing that, so I’m scheduled for next Friday. I don’t think the booster is helping with the spread of COVID. When I go to the park, I rarely see people, and we are always more than six feet apart. I go to the grocery store once a month. I will see my mom on her birthday next week, but the booster won’t be in my system the day I see her. If she wants me to wear a mask, I will. 

If people who could stay home stayed home (regardless of vaccination status), that would be helpful. If the country shut down for two weeks, that would probably help. But capitalism. The vaccine is not stopping COVID at the moment. It might lessen symptoms which are good, but we don’t know the long-term effects of having COVID. Read the newspaper about people who had mild cases of COVID and how they are still suffering a year later! 

I’m taking my one day off a month today. I will read, listen to music, go for a walk, and start my business plans for 2022. Tomorrow and Sunday, back to work. 

Thanks for reading! Have a great rest of 2021. 

I’m a Mountain Dew Drinker

It looks like my gastroparesis may be back. I hope everyone who stressed me out and worked me to death is thrilled. 

Fuck them all. 

Other than that, things are going great! Can you feel the sarcasm? 

I’m really pissed about the gastroparesis being back. But moving and working 70 hours a week might do that to anyone. 

I ate french fries for dinner tonight (Friday night. I don’t know when I’ll be posting this). I can’t even think about a burger. I hope I don’t start losing weight again. Last time I got down to 103. That sucked. I’m now about 113. My jeans are getting loose again. I didn’t notice how hard it was to talk due to a lack of energy and nausea. People thought I didn’t want to talk when I was just sick.

Well, I never WANT to talk to people. But I couldn’t say more than a few words at a time without feeling sick. It was so bad. 

I feel so exhausted, and guess what? There was no required overtime at my job this week. And it was still crappy. I feel better about some things, but overall not a good week. 

I got my Samsung Galaxy Book Go, and I’m not using it now. LOL. But I do plan to use it more later today. I did use it during the week, but not much for work stuff. 

The Book Go is suitable for students. It’s not for people who like to listen to music. Spotify skips, and the volume isn’t loud enough. I haven’t tried listening with noise-canceling headphones yet. 

For now, I will say I’m glad my MacBook Air still works. I usually wait until a computer dies before I get another one. But with my work, I can’t wait until a computer dies. I need to get shit done now. 

I will review it more later. Unfortunately, I can’t do a full review without working on it. 

I’ve decided to write my book. I’ve been writing it since 2007. I will self-publish it. I’m getting it all organized for the editor. It will cost between $400 to $600 to edit. It won’t be a great edit, but I’m not spending a ton editing a book I’m not planning to make a lot of money on. I’m thinking about taking donations. I might make $100 a year from this book. Or less. I just want my book out. 

I thought finding clothes for ThredUP* would be fun. But now they aren’t sending bags anymore. So I have to box my clothes up and send it to them. It won’t cost me anything (except a trip to the post office), but I don’t have a box big enough for all the jeans I have. Jeans are heavy. Ugh. 

So I don’t know what I’m planning to do. That was supposed to be my fun project. I have one small-medium box. Maybe 4-5 pairs of jeans can’t fit in there. Dude, I want to get rid of at least 20 pairs of jeans. 

Whatever.

On Wednesday, a guy yelled, “bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch” across the street at me. Was there one more bitch? I don’t know. The guy has mental issues. I don’t know what they are. It could be a learning disability. (That’s not mental, right?) 

It didn’t bother me. I was pissed because I couldn’t find help. He is a Black male with some learning issues or mental illness. If I were him, I would be pissed off too. The world has probably failed him in so many ways. I understand. I get it. 

However, if he approached me…Well, my dog was with me. My dog wouldn’t let him get too close. So anyway, he was across the street calling me a bitch. He was far away. There was no physical threat. Do I want it to happen again? NO. I don’t like attention—someone yelling at you kind of puts attention on you. 

The United States has failed so many people. The few who are doing fine refuse to acknowledge their privilege. That makes people angrier. LOL. If you can split bills with a partner, you are lucky. America punishes single people without kids. If you are a single woman (or identify as a woman) without kids, try getting into a domestic violence shelter. They usually get turned away. 

People say ask for help. WHERE IS THE FUCKING HELP? Stop telling people that unless you have a resource. I will talk about this again. This bothers me so much. 

Oh, and I have been lucky in my life. I admit that all the time. I could say renting this house is a privilege, BUT I just moved here on November 7. It could be horrible (I hope not). I’m not going to know until at least six months to a year. Most things that started as “luck” turned out lousy over time. That’s just life. I still consider that being lucky if I didn’t do it myself. 

Once, I got a HUGE raise. That was luck. Well, I went to work every day* and did an okay job. But I didn’t ask for a raise. My manager just picked three people for a raise. I bet he wouldn’t get away with that now. Anyway, him giving me a raise is why I’m making what I’m making now. I’m still working class, so it’s not enough to live off. I’m not middle class or anything. I had to start a business to really make money. 

*I was lucky to be able to work every day because I was healthy for the most part. 

I will probably make a little over $50,000 in 2021. That includes my business income and overtime. So no, I don’t make a lot at my full-time job. But I do make more than the median income in The United States. Some people get free food (EBT AKA food stamps) or the child tax credit. I have a person in my family that makes more than I do (from my day job) with JUST the child tax credit. She also works. She has to pay for childcare for the one or two, not in school. If the child tax credit stays forever, I would consider not working if I were her. 

The child tax credit won’t solve everything. If a person needs healthcare, they will probably need to get a job eventually. This is another massive failure of our system and why I’m working full-time. However, I am considering quitting in 2023 and just freelance. I might not have healthcare, so I hope the gastroparesis doesn’t return. 

My point is, I have been lucky. I point out where I have been lucky. I point out where I have NOT received any help. If a person makes more than me on unemployment and doesn’t have the stress of working, I consider that lucky because working for someone else makes me physically and mentally sick. Therefore, I need money from the government. Working is making me sick. But who cares? Only me. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: JJ Heller, Adele, Boyce Avenue, Joss Stone, Ellie Goulding, Joss Stone, Kelly Clarkson, Mariah Carey

My top three artists for 2021 were Taylor Swift, Miranda Lambert, and Jewel. 

TV of the Week:  Survivor, Vanderpump Rules

Movie of the WeekLandline. 3 stars. I’m mad someone recommended this, but I was working while watching, so not a complete waste of time. It’s just not a good movie. Oh, but Eddie Falco is in it. I love her. She’s not in it enough to make it watchable. 

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, True Crime Garage, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Crimelines, Generation Why, 10% Happier

Books of the Week: Still reading Women With ADHD by Roberta Sanders and Both/And: A Life in Many Worlds by Huma Abedin. I’m not going to finish Huma’s book in time. It’s due at the library in 3 or 4 days. After that, I might get it from Audible. The book is so long. There is no way I could read this book in 21 days. 

Goal for Next Week: I don’t know yet. I might have to work overtime. I hope not. I have a meeting with a new client on Tuesday. She hasn’t signed the contract, so technically, she’s not a client yet. She’s an artist. I have never worked with an artist before. This should be interesting. I might call the autism resource line to talk to a social worker. It’s a free benefit from my job, so why not? I’m also meeting with a person to discuss how I want to do this book thing. Do I give parts away for free and hope for donations? I don’t know how I want to set it up yet. There are so many options. 

Weekend Plans: Well, today is Sunday. I took my dog to the vet yesterday. I hope his tests went well. I will find out next week. My dog was limping. The doctor couldn’t tell if it was arthritis or something else because my dog was nervous and tense. I do get one “free” X-ray a year. I want to save it in case something happens. Sigh. If he seems fine, I will get the X-rays done in October 2022. I am paying for that benefit, and it might be helpful to get a yearly x-ray even if nothing seems wrong. 

I want to work on my book for at least one hour today. Then do one hour of marketing my biz. I will set a timer for these tasks because I need to relax. I gotta go. My dog thinks it’s lunch time and he is driving me nuts.

I know this is a long entry. If you read it, whoa! 😄Thanks for reading. Have a great week.

I’m still a child

I’ve been bad if not celebrating Thanksgiving, and buying crap is terrible. I don’t care about holidays. But spending money, I do care about. I still have money in my moving savings account that I haven’t touched yet. 

What did I buy? A cellphone – Moto G Power (2021). I’m going to use it for apps because my cellphone sucks. I will only be able to use this phone with wi-fi. It’s unlocked, so I should be able just to use it without a sim card, right? If I can’t, I will return it. I think Amazon will take it back. I chose to pick this up from Rite Aid. I will probably get it on Sunday, unless it arrives very early on Saturday. I’m new to this neighborhood and I don’t want a bunch of packages coming here. I think people around here notice everything.

Unfortunately, I ordered my Samsung Galaxy Book Go (a cheap laptop) directly from Samsung. Now I wish I would have ordered from Amazon because I know how they ship. Or I could have picked it up. I know Amazon will let me know when the package is here. Unfortunately, I have no idea how Samsung ships. I did leave one small package outside for 48 minutes, and no one stole it. BUT THIS IS A LAPTOP!

Anyway, my MacBook Air only performed well for less than two years, so no more Macs for me. I’m going back to Windows. I don’t know how long this Samsung Galaxy will last. It is usually $350. I got it on sale for $250. I need to be able to work. 

My Chromebook is about three years old and in good shape because I never used it. I just downloaded apps on it today. It’s funny because it is so thick. All the Chromebooks on the market today are slim. My CB looks like a dinosaur. It also has a small screen, so the next one I get (probably next year) will be bigger. 

I took today off. I did a good job with unpacking. I don’t know what else I need. Well, I know I’m going to get rid of a lot of my old clothes, which excites me. I might get started this weekend if I have time. I know I will probably never get back to a size 8 in jeans again, so I will get rid of 85% of my jeans (due to gastroparesis).

I’m going to have two piles. One pile will be the name-brand clothes. Those will go to ThredUp so I can get jeans in my size. I only have one pair of jeans that I can find in my new size (about a size 4). I did buy two other pairs, but I have to go through everything to find them. The other pile I will donate to the new city I’m living in. 

It will be great to get rid of so many jeans. However, I’m keeping all my tops. No matter my size, I wore medium and oversized tops, and I’m not going to stop now. I can probably get rid of a few dresses too, but I have to try them on. I’m not sure how a medium dress will fit me. The one I’ve worn is a little too long, but I can still wear it. 

I also need to get back into recycling. It seems like it should be easy, but ugh. I’m probably making it too complicated. I was saving cans, but that causes clutter, so I’m going to throw away the cans until I can come up with a system.

I’m doing a Black Friday sale for my biz. So far, one person has signed up, but she’s not an ideal client because it will be a lot of work for me for about $240 a month. Ugh. I might explain to her that I can work with her for a little extra money. Explaining stuff? Communicating? I suck at that. 

Well, I have to go and get my website ready for the Black Friday sale. I should do it tomorrow and just take today entirely off, but the deal goes live at 11 AM, and it makes me nervous to wait until tomorrow. I like to be prepared. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Adele, Taylor Swift, Jewel, Maggie Rogers, Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, Grace Potter, Joss Stone

I’ve been listening to a lot of music this week. It makes me feel good, so why don’t I listen to more music? 

TV of the Week:  Survivor, Vanderpump Rules

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, True Crime Garage, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Crimelines, Generation Why, Dear Gabby, Breakdown, What Should I Read Next?, Your Permission Prescription

Books of the Week: I’m reading Women With ADHD: A Life-Changing Guide to Overcome the Hidden Struggles of Living with ADHD – Includes Debunked Myths and 15 Effective Tips to Positively Transform Your Life by Roberta Sanders. There is lots of good info here, but I don’t like how she states, “make eye contact.” NO SHIT. What if making eye contact makes things worse because you get overstimulated? Then it’s not such a good idea. Only in job interviews do I try to make eye contact because the whole fake situation is overstimulating. Not making eye contact probably would allow me to have better answers, but I wouldn’t be a great communicator either way. 

I borrowed Huma Abedin’s book from the library, but I haven’t started it because the ADHD book is so good.

I finished Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. ★★★★ It’s a great book about her father dying from COVID. But it’s so short. Only 97 pages. So I had to take away a star. It is a great book. Very real. 

Goal for Next Week: I don’t want to think about next week. I have no time off and lots to do. Busy week. Ugh. My goal is to make the phone calls I need to make. 

Weekend Plans: Today is Thursday. I would love to get a new blog post up on my biz website tomorrow. I really need to update my website, but that could take forever, so I won’t spend more than 2 hours simply fixing it up. I’m not going to start over. I will probably start a bag of clothes to donate and a bag for ThredUp. That’s a fun project for me. And maybe finally finish unpacking. I’m 87% done. 

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🥰 

Nothing left to lose?

Long time. No real entry! I moved to another city. I still live in Virginia. I’m 40 minutes away from my hometown. 

I live somewhat downtown. I could never afford to live downtown in a big city. I haven’t had a lot of time to explore, but I like walking around the neighborhood. My dog likes it too, BUT he hurt his leg on our first walk. He finally stopped limping yesterday. We went to the park and walked around for 30 minutes. I’m so glad that he seems okay. 

My dog on the floor of my office. He has eyes closed.
My dog in the office.

I got out of required overtime this week—kind of. However, I did do 3 hours of OT. I was supposed to do 8 hours, but I emailed my boss and told her that I was moving and that my dad got hit by a car. So she said it was okay for me not to work today.

Yep, my dad did get hit by a car AGAIN. He was living in hotels, but he can’t afford food and hotels for a whole month on his income. Plus, he has officially been diagnosed with dementia. So, he can’t live alone. The problem is, where does he go? The hospital won’t release him until they can find something. 

After I post this blog, I’m going to unpack more. I left a lot of stuff, so I don’t have that much to unpack. I want to get things organized. It’s funny how many clothes I have. I rarely leave the house (except when walking my dog), so I’m thinking of keeping most of my clothes packed. 

The house is mostly okay. The biggest issue so far is how much heat is. There are no vents in the rooms! I didn’t notice that when looking at the house. I have to leave the doors open. That wouldn’t bother me if I lived alone, but I don’t like having opened doors with my dog. If it’s midnight and he has to go the bathroom, he’ll just use it in the kitchen instead of waking me up. Gross! I don’t want to have to clean that up. That’s what happened at the old house. I learned if I kept the bedroom door closed, then he wouldn’t do it.

The heat is also expensive. $178 a month! My mom’s house is way bigger, and her gas bill is about $100 a month. How does that make sense? So, I’m paying way more than I thought I was going to pay. 

The movers were great. I only had a desk, treadmill, bed, and a medium-sized wooden table. Since it was considered long distance, I had to pay $450 even though I didn’t have much. I don’t have any living room furniture or TVs. 

This is the first time I don’t have a TV. I don’t have cable. Besides, I watch everything on my iPad. 

I have much more to say about the neighbors. LOL. But not now. 

I did yoga yesterday during my work break. That felt so great. It’s so great to be able to move around. The living room is kind of a gym. My treadmill is there. And I do yoga there. Otherwise, I’m never in the living room. 

I have to get brakes for my car tomorrow because I’m getting my car inspected on Thursday. I hope it’s not too expensive. I might go grocery shopping afterward. I don’t want to leave my dog alone, but he has to be here alone unless I drive to my mom. My dog was so scared (shaking) when I left him alone on Monday. I had to go turn the water on. It only took about 45 minutes. I know tomorrow is going to take more than that. 

If I still have my job in 2022, I will order my food once a month. I will still have to go to the store occasionally to get paper towels etc. I would love only to have to go to the store once every 60 days. 

Anyway, I was going to buy a computer. But now I have lots of bills. I need a computer to work. I have to see what I can do on a Chromebook. I can do lots of admin stuff without a computer. But I do a lot with Canva*. I need a laptop for that. I have a new-ish Chromebook. I rarely use it, but I’m getting it out today to use my computer less. 

I have a list of laptops I MIGHT consider if there’s a Black Friday sale. I haven’t done much research. I know I’m going back to Windows. The good Macs are out of my budget. At this point, I might be willing to spend $500 on a computer. Not sure. It depends on how the car stuff goes. 

EDIT: Wow, my Chromebook can do much more than I thought. I might not buy anything OR I might buy a better Chromebook. I have to do research. I’m still going to wait until Black Friday.

I’m also thinking about offering some of my services on Black Friday. Unfortunately, I’m too busy now. But if someone wants to start working with me in January? Hmmm. I should follow through with this idea. The service would cost $2000 for six months of work. I know that sounds like a lot, but it is incredibly underpriced. 

I have so much to say. I haven’t blogged in forever. This is getting long. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, India.Arie, Joss Stone, Demi Lovato, Kelly Clarkson, Rachel Platten, Alessia Cara, Ariana Grande 

TV of the Week:  Survivor

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Undisclosed, Crimelines, Ten Percent Happier, I have ADHD, Generation Why, Dear Gabby

Books of the Week: I’ve been listening to an excellent course about purpose on Audible. Unfortunately, it’s not a book. I wanted to buy the Kindle version, but it doesn’t exist. If you have Audible, I suggest checking out this course – Finding Your Purpose by Christine Whelan. I will take the audio with me tomorrow and do all the exercises while I wait for my car. Most of these courses come with a PDF. That would be so helpful. Instead, I have to listen and write down everything.

Goal for Next Week: Either do yoga or meditate every day. I think meditation is probably more helpful for my ADHD issues, but some parts of yoga are like meditation. But they are not the same thing. 

I also want to get ALL the rest of my stuff from my old place. 

Weekend Plans: I’m going to set a 25-minute timer and unpack/organize twice today. I might get everything done with those two sessions. Then I’m going to do some biz work. I will probably work for about 3 hours today. It’s going to be 60 degrees. I hope my dog’s leg is okay. I’m going to try to go to the park at 2. The park is not that great, btw. It’s nothing compared to our (my dog and me) favorite park. This park is more for kids to play basketball and walk. Tomorrow is all about my car and getting groceries.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰 Is this font too big? LOL. I give up with WordPress and font. I also can’t see well, so I want everything big.

So Lost Sometimes

Countdown:

4 days until my vacay

17 days until I move

I’m so tired. I think I’m on my third week of working 70 hours a week. For this week, it’s either work now or work on my vacation. I didn’t tell any of my clients I am going out of town. So, it’s my fault if they ask me to do something. I hope they don’t need anything extra from me. I’m only gone for about three and a half days.

I’M MOVING!!!

Unbelievable, right? I finally found a house. I will sign the lease tomorrow. I’m not moving until November 6 or 8. I told her the 8th, but now I think it’s best to move on a Saturday. I want to move around Thanksgiving, but she doesn’t want her house vacant for a long time.

P.S. I would not be going out of town if I knew I was going to be moving. I would rather save that time off for the move, but I didn’t think I would find a house to rent. Unfortunately, it’s too late to get my money back, so I’m leaving on Wednesday and will be back on Saturday.

The house is 40 minutes from where I live now. It’s a different city. I worked there as a temp there years ago, but I’ve never lived there.

She said no to me at first. I think I was her second choice. She said yes to someone else, but that fell through, and then she emailed me. She had 80 applicants! Coming in second isn’t bad. She doesn’t understand why I want to leave the bigger city to move to their small city.

AND my dog is an issue only because the next-door neighbor has two dogs. One is an unleashed yorkie. The other is a leashed pit bull in the backyard. My dog doesn’t like other dogs. He gets annoyed with them pretty quickly, so the yorkie will be interesting.

I’m worried about the pit bull because I like to take my dog outback. Will his dog bark the whole time? If so, my dog will bark. How will he use the bathroom? Will the yorkie constantly run in my yard every time I go outside? My dog will not do well with this. I’ll see what happens. I might have to sneak out the front. There are more people around the front, so I would rather go out back where only one person can see me.

The house is so tiny! But it’s just my dog and me. I chose not to pay the extra $50 a month for a washer and dryer. I wanted it, but it doesn’t make sense to spend that money when I could buy my own washer one day. And the landlord said she was going to buy a cheap washer and dryer. LOL. Thanks for telling me the truth. I do like her.

I can’t remember if there are closets. If not, this will be the second place I have rented without closets. I’m going to ask her tomorrow when I sign the lease. I’m not sure if the house will be empty when I go there tomorrow. I would love to see it one more time.

The only furniture I have is an old desk and my bed. Nothing will be in the living room. I’m calling it my yoga studio for now. Why not? I don’t see the point in living room furniture if I’m never going to be in there—what a waste of money.

What else? No AC. I will buy probably two window units. I think the previous tenant only had one unit. The place is small, but I’m surprised one AC cools the whole home. And no shed for the lawnmower. I will have to get one I can tie to the back porch. I might hire someone to mow the lawn for the first few months. It depends. I shouldn’t have to think about the lawn until March or April. Hopefully.

I could go on. But I’ll share a few pics. The place is pretty basic. LOL. So not much to show. There are two small bedrooms (one will be an office for me). The bathroom and kitchen are small. I’m glad I don’t cook.

Front of the house. The front yard is small. Yay.
The kitchen. I like the black. No space to really cook, though.

The living room AKA my yoga studio

One of the bedrooms. The bedrooms look identical. Nothing special. Small.

I might share more pics after I move in, but I’m too scared to spend money on making it look nice. I’m only spending on organization stuff.

More later.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Adele, Boyce Avenue, Lorde, Ellie Goulding, Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, Lindsay Lohan, Taylor Swift

TV of the Week:  Survivor, Housewives, Only Murders in the Building

I don’t know what kind of TV I will have access to when I move. I will keep Hulu. I will probably have Netflix. I won’t have cable. So I might add $10 more worth of streaming services. I would like to be able to watch Survivor. It isn’t my favorite show, but I like it. I only watch TV when I eat. I watch one hour a day on most days.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Your Permission Prescription, Undisclosed, Southlake, Crimelines

Books of the Week:

I finished I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump’s Catastrophic Final Year by Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker ★★★★ Long book. The most informative part was the section on COVID. The rest was okay. It was hard keeping up with some of the names of the people in Trump’s organization. I don’t really care about most of these people. So maybe 3 and a half stars.

Goal for Next Week: Survive until my vacation. And then enjoy my time off. I want to use that time to plan for the beginning of 2022.

Weekend Plans: So far today (Saturday), I’ve worked and had therapy. Blogging is my break. I’m going back to work for a couple of hours after I post this. Tomorrow I’m working my day job for 5 hours and signing the lease. I also have to pay the deposit and pet fee tomorrow.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰 

Heading Down Hill

Countdown:

16 days until my mini-vacation

From my private journal – October 5, 2021

Is today the day of my breakdown? I cried a lot today. In front of my ADHD coach! I never cry anymore. It might be the Adderall. 

Not sure? I did ask for a short notice day off for tomorrow and I got it! Shocked. But she said yes. 

I don’t feel secure in my job at all. Time to look for a new job or double down on my business but I can’t do freelance work with the mandatory overtime. 

Frustrating.

I got TWO errors today. They might fight one. So not sure. But I was in such a good mood and then BAM. Errors. Fuck. (UPDATE: I only got one error. They took the other error back because I stood up for myself and told them they were wrong!)

My coach mentioned that I might have a visual processing problem! Interesting. Might be true. I never thought of that. I know I have a sound processing issue. I will look into that. 

I feel hopeless, helpless, frustrated, sad, angry, and misunderstood.

From my private journal – October 10, 2021

(What I plan to do on my mini-vacation)

Write your rough draft of why you want to pause.

I want to pause because life is shitty right now, and I need to figure out some next steps. I also want clarity. I need a break. I hate almost everything about my life.

Recently my emotions have been all over the place due to Adderall. Happy, sadness, & anger.

The story I’m making up: I have no control over my life. I have no support. No one cares about me. I’m the only one working a lot.

What I plan to do on my pause is….

  • Gain clarity on what I want the next few years to look like. Have a plan for what I need to do now to get there.
  • A successful pause would be actionable steps (a plan) on what to do these next two months. I plan to rest more than usual during my pause.
  • I hope to be calmer after the pause. Not as angry.
  • I want to have a plan for a digital release in January of 2022. Decide whether I need to take a class and/or hire a coach.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Alana Davis, Charlotte Martin, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Boyce Avenue, Grace Potter, JoJo, Kacey Musgraves

TV of the Week:  Big Brother, Housewives, Elize Matsunga (sp?) 

I finished the Elize show. I don’t recommend it. It’s interesting, but should not have been a show.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, Court Junkie, The Vanished, I Have ADHD, The Followers, Tara Brach

Books of the Week:

I finished ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction – from Childhood Through Adulthood by Edward M. Hallowell , John J. Ratey ★★★★ I have to read this again. Per usual, too much talk about kids with ADHD. But a decent read.

Goal for Next Week: Not to kill myself or anyone else.

Weekend Plans: I worked most of Saturday (yesterday). I did marketing stuff for my business today. I have learned my lesson and will not work ALL Sunday even if I feel like it. I only took one dose of Adderall today. One dose only lasts for 3 hours for me.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰 

Are You My Missing Piece?

I was on the wrong medication the whole time. ADD is overdiagnosed in kids. If a kid is hyper and makes bad grades, they are automatically labeled as someone with ADHD. However, adults are underdiagnosed. 

How many adults are on antidepressants when they aren’t depressed? I was depressed in college. But, I haven’t been depressed without reason for at least ten years! I’m not depressed. I have ADHD. 

I wish doctors were more aware of adult ADD and bipolar disease. Being on an antidepressant when you have bipolar is extremely dangerous. It could lead to suicide or a manic episode. 

Anyway, I’m finally on Adderall. It is the medicine I need. It WORKS! It has its downsides, of course. 

It does raise blood pressure and lowers appetite. Not for everyone. Since I’ve been dealing with gastroparesis for 8-9 months, I’m used to eating when I’m not hungry, so I’m doing it now. I have a schedule. You have to eat even though you’re not hungry. People with ADHD can often go hours forgetting to eat, but I’m used to my schedule now.

I am eating less, but my weight was 114 last week. I probably have lost a pound since taking Adderall. As long as it’s not due to gastroparesis, I’m fine. I don’t want to weigh less than 110. 

The blood pressure thing is going to be interesting. I go see a NEW PCP on Tuesday. He may want me off Adderall if my BP is high, but I’m not going off. I have been waiting for most of my life to feel normal. Dude, you can give me a medicine for hypertension, but I’m not going off the Adderall. I just started! AND IT WORKS!

I have less anxiety (until the medicine wears off). I’m content, and I’m less frustrated. I’m working better. I’m able to focus. I think more clearly. Etc. 

I will ask for a higher dose. 10 MG is extremely low. Of course, I don’t know how things will go, but I’m guessing 20 MG twice a day will work for me. I want to try three times a day (I’m taking it twice a day on most days), but I can’t let anything affect my sleep. 

Some people only take meds when they have school or work. But #1. I work almost every day #2. It helps with anxiety, and I’m always anxious, so why would I take a day off? #3. It helps me with my mood. Uh, hell yeah, I want to feel content. 

If I remember, I will take about non drug alternatives to helping with ADHD. I have tried a few things. I will review those later. Maybe next time.

Today is Sunday. I worked from 7 AM to 9 PM yesterday (with a nap in between), so I could take most of today off. I’m only taking one dose today. It does raise my BP, so my body could use a break. 

When I go on my vacation in late October, I might try skipping a day or just taking one dose a day. Or I might take one amount a day.

Speaking of my vacation, I’m so excited!!! I do want new tires before I go. I still have to do that. I think I only need one tire, but I may as well get four new ones since I have to get my car inspected in November. 

I’m buying one new book today that I can’t find in the library. But other than that, I’m not spending any more money on unnecessary stuff until November. I need to focus on getting $5K in my moving savings account, so I feel comfortable moving. I only have $1,100 for my move because I decided to take a vacation, and hey, why not buy some winter clothes?

In my defense, I did buy the winter clothes from ThredUp (an online thrift store – aff. link). However, I don’t go anywhere, so most of these clothes are for when I walk the dog and to wear around the house. I would share pics of all the clothes I ordered, but I ordered the plainest sweaters. I don’t care how I look when I walk around the house or the neighborhood. I wear wrinkle shit all the time. LOL. 

I did buy a few things I will wear when I go to the grocery store and doctor’s appointments. I HATE the cold, so I’m only going grocery shopping once a month starting in November. Anyhow, here are some of the nicer clothes I bought from ThredUP:

This jacket will be used exclusively for dog walking. I hope it will last all winter, but I seriously doubt it. It’s probably not thick enough.
I love cardigans. This is for the rare occasion when I actually go somewhere.
I will be wearing this sweater every time I leave my house this winter.
An example of what I will be wearing around the house. The other clothes are so plain, I’m not going to post them, but for some reason I think this will be comfy to work in. I can’t wait to get this.

This post is getting long, so I’m going to get right to finishing it up with what I consumed this week.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Jewel, Boyce Avenue, Chris Stapleton, Ellie Goulding, JoJo, Joss Stone

TV of the Week:  Big Brother, Housewives, Elize Matsunga (sp?)

Rooting for Xavier to win BB. He played the best game. He’a a Taurus. The end. Kyland is trash. I always knew that.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, What Should I Read Next?, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Southlake, Murdaugh Murders

Books of the Week: I finished reading two books over these past two weeks. I finished:

All the Things We Never Knew: Chasing the Chaos of Mental Illness by Sheila Hamilton ★★★★★ This is one of the best books I’ve read this year.

Victim F From Crime Victims to Suspects to Survivors by Denise Huskins & Aaron Quinn ★★★★1/2 Great book. If you like true crime or nonfiction, I recommend this. My only complaint is that it is about 50 pages too long.

Goal for Next Week: To not lose my mind. I’m working 60 hours again next week. I have 2 hours off from my day job to go to the doctor. I would like to start reading a new book next week during work breaks. Hopefully, if I do all the exercises in the book, it will lead to me being less confused. I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life because working 60 hours a week sucks. The book is – Pause: Harnessing the Life-Changing Power of Giving Yourself a Break.

Weekend Plans: I’m going to eat lunch and then work on marketing my business a little. Then walk my dog. Nothing too exciting.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰 Bye.

I Want Simple Times

I have two things I am very excited about. But, of course, I am worried about how both things could go wrong—typical me.

The thing that made me smile this week is that my psychiatrist prescribed me Adderall. I wanted Vyvanse because my ex-therapist told me that would do wonders for me. Unfortunately, my doctor doesn’t want to deal with the health insurance company. Vyvanse isn’t even that expensive. I would pay for it.

Anyway, I haven’t started Adderall yet. It’s coming through the mail. I probably will have it by Thursday. I’ve been on meds for years. So why haven’t they worked? Uh, because maybe they were treating the wrong thing! I have ADHD first. Everything else is secondary.

What would it be like to be normal? I know the neurodiversity crowd doesn’t like the word ‘normal.’ They don’t want to be normal. I WANT TO BE FUCKING NORMAL. Okay, I don’t want to be boring. But the norms in the United States are based on people being ordinary. To work or make a living, it’s far easier to make money when you are normal.

The Adderall might not work. Some of the side effects are losing weight and GI issues. Well, I already have a severe GI issue. I’m underweight. I just want the med to work. My work is suffering. I have to work so hard to focus during the day.

I’m so thankful to my doctor. I was shocked when he said he treated ADHD! I asked him about eight years ago, and he said that he didn’t prescribe stimulants. So I assumed it was still valid. I’m glad I was wrong.

I’m too scattered to explain how ADHD affects me. Here is a chart that kind of explains what it’s like for me:

FWIW, I’m good at listening. I just can’t follow verbal directions. I need things written down.

Check back for updates on how Adderall works for me. I’m hoping for the best. Even if it works a little, I would consider that a win. I need less chaos.

I booked a 3 night/4 day trip to a private beach at the end of October!!! I’m working SO much. I can’t move, so I’m going to have a little fun. At this point, it will just be my dog and me.

I’m concerned that it might snow. But I looked it up, and it NEVER snows in October, but it’s the last week of October. So I’m still a little nervous. But, I can still get my money back up to October 13. So that makes me feel good in case something comes up.

The house is charming. It’s within walking distance of the beach. It’s going to be cool, so I won’t be spending much time there. I’m planning on spending most of my time in the house. You can see the beach from the windows and deck. That’s good enough for me.

I’m glad I could pay CASH for this trip—no more credit cards for me. Well, I have to have credit because that’s how America runs. But for now, I don’t use credit cards. Eventually, I might want to better my credit score, so I might buy furniture or something with credit. Anyway…

I’m leaving on October 27. Here are some pics of the vacation house.

This is where my dog and I will spend most of our time. I’m not going into the other bedrooms. See that desk? I will be using it. This is probably going to be a working vacation unless I can get everything done in advance.
How close the house is to the beach – walking distance.
The kitchen. I will probably bring prepared food with me, so that I won’t have to cook.
The deck.
The sunroom. It’s added on to the master bedroom where I will spend most of my time.
The living room. Probably will only stay here if I have DVDs. There’s a DVD player in this room.

My dog behaves pretty well but I want to be extra careful. So I’m mainly staying in the bedroom and sunroom. I’ll be watching my dog 24/7. He will go everywhere with me – whether he likes it or not. LOL.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Kacey Musgraves, Elle Varner, The Wreckers, Boyce Avenue, Lizzo, Mariah Carey, Caitlyn Smith, Danielle Bradbury

TV of the Week:  Big Brother, Housewives

I hope Tiffany wins BB. She has played the best game.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, What Should I Read Next?, Court Junkie, The Vanished,

Books of the Week: I finished reading The Comfort Book by Matt Haig – ★★★★ I love Matt Haig’s books. I think he is my current favorite author. I’m scared to Google him. What has he done wrong???

Goal for Next Week: I’m working 60 hours again next week. 🤯  BUMMER. My goals include doing good work, not getting overwhelmed and to not be so reactive. Adderall would probably help with all of that. ::crossing fingers::

Weekend Plans: The weekend is almost over. I worked most of yesterday. After I post this, I’m going to walk my dog, take a nap, eat dinner and work.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🥰 

Bad Blood

I have to work 60 hours this week and another 60 hours next week. Most people don’t have to work this much. I want this to end. I don’t mind working 60 hours for myself. I’m only working 10 hours a week for myself. The rest is for the man. The horrible man.

I do get two days off from my corporate job the week of Sept. 6. I’m also off on Sept. 20. I’m desperate for a getaway with my dog. Instead of planning my birthday trip for May 2022, I should be planning a trip for October or November. I have to think about it.

I have decided not to move right now. I’m saving money instead. I can’t afford to rent A HOUSE within an hour of where I live now. The high rent prices are kind of a new thing within the last year. I lived in a house in a nice neighborhood for five years. I will be able to afford to rent in about two years. But I don’t want to wait that long. I’m not living in a good situation. It’s affecting my physical and mental health.

Work is also affecting my health, but I know I would do better if I just lived in a house with my dog. I have proof from the past.

I still haven’t been able to get the kind of medication I need for my ADHD. So why can Richard quickly get medicine, but I have to drink caffeinated water and soda? I’m not supposed to be drinking soda, but soda is much cheaper than the water. And I happen to love Mountain Dew. I might consider just paying double for the damn water. Trust me; I’m glad caffeinated water exists. I wish I didn’t have to order it from Amazon.

In summary, life sucks right now. If I have to work this much, I want to be able to live alone. BTW, I can’t live in an apartment due to noise. I have sensory processing issues (due to ADHD or autism), and noise triggers me. I used to have panic attacks when I lived in a townhouse. I couldn’t work. I wasted money on hotels. It was horrible.

I have a new therapist. She lives where I went to college. It is a Republican, conservative, Christian city. I’m so far from that. I’m not sure this is going to work. She asked whether I had a boyfriend. When I said “no,” she didn’t follow up with “a girlfriend? a partner?” And she seemed shocked when I said I wasn’t a Christian.

She thinks my life is strange. It is, but I don’t see it that way. Well, I know the way I grew up was weird, but I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. And of course, I know my life is strange now, but the strange parts are the parts I like for the most part.

I wouldn’t say I like working so much. And I don’t like how I am forced to live—those two things I would like to change. By next June, I may start looking for houses to rent again. Not counting my emergency fund*, I have money saved for rent. Hopefully, by June, I will feel more secure and have much more saved.

*My ER fund is only to be used if I’m unemployed and not making enough in my business. So I hope I don’t need it for a long time.

I hope the people in Louisiana stay safe. It sounds really bad right now.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Alana Davis, Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift, Boyce Avenue, Donna Missai, Kacey Musgraves, Maggie Rogers, Rachel Platten

TV of the Week:  Big Brother, Housewives

Movies of the Week: Midnight in Paris, All Good Things

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed All Good Things. I thought it was too short. I’m sure it was 100X better because I am watching the Robert Durst trial. I found the movie fascinating.

Podcasts of the Week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, Generation Why, True Crime Garage, Crimelines, What Should I Read Next?, Court Junkie, The Vanished, Women & ADHD

Books of the Week: I finished reading:

Back in the Burbs by Avery Flynn and Tracy Wolff ★★★

Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey ★★★★ 1/2

Goal for Next Week: Survive. Find a ADHD doctor or at least make a spreadsheet of doctors to call. I’m thinking of hiring someone to make the phone calls. I will probably have a list of at least 20-30 doctors. Maybe I could pay them $50 to $60? That’s a fair rate. Way better than I get paid if it only takes 5 minutes for each call. I hate calling people and I don’t have time during working hours.

Weekend Plans: Today is Sunday. I slept in today. My dog LOVED it. I worked all day yesterday and after I publish this blog, I’m going to work and then take my dog for a walk.

Have a great week! Thanks for reading. 🙂