Fruits of My Labor

I’m so tired. Why are Sundays always like this? Last weekend, I was supposed to take my dog to the park, but everything ached, and I was fatigued. So, we didn’t go.

Yesterday was great! I worked all day (for my day job for one hour, and the rest was business stuff). I even felt a little optimistic. I rarely feel that way, especially since I’ve had gastroparesis.

I did leave the house today. I’m looking at houses to rent. Today I realized that I can’t do this. I don’t have time to look at a bunch of places. I work 50 hours a week (minimum). Plus, I’m tired and achy. I just can’t. So I don’t know what to do. Maybe wait until I have time off to search for houses? But what if I miss my dream house???

Anyway, the house I saw today was pretty good. I didn’t get to go inside—long story. I hate that I wouldn’t be able to walk my dog if I lived there. There are no sidewalks. I would have to walk on the narrow road. I would have to get in my car and drive to walk him. Um, sorry, I’m too tired for that, and I don’t have time.

The person one house over has a blue lives matter flag on his mailbox. And I saw an “All Lives Matter” sign on a church. LOL. I guess this is a white neighborhood. I didn’t see many people, but everyone I saw was white. The ‘blue lives matter’ folks don’t bother me. I think the All Lives Matter people are ignorant.

Would I still live there? YES. I don’t talk to neighbors. As long as they don’t bother my car, my dog, myself, or the house, I don’t care. It was quiet, but it was also a Sunday morning. I saw a basketball hoop in a person’s yard. UGH. I hate the sound of a bouncing basketball. Been there. Hated that.

Nice house. I would have to hire someone to mow the lawn because there is nowhere to store a lawnmower. I just emailed the guy back. I expressed interest, but I don’t expect much from this.

The last time I weighed myself, I was 109 pounds. That’s decent. I have a follow-up appointment with the GI on August 16. The only medicine I take for gastroparesis is an anti-nausea medicine (Zofran). I had to take it three times this week. I usually go weeks without needing it.

O, GOD. The guy with the house already emailed me back. I don’t know if I trust him. Hmmm. I’m still thinking about how I won’t be able to walk my dog, and he wants to do it month to month. I did that once and lived in the house for five years so…

ARGH. But I really want to move. Oh, and there is nothing nearby except gas stations. I did see a Mexican restaurant and a church with a Spanish sign, so it might be a Hispanic/white neighborhood. But there is nothing there. I want a park or maybe a store. Something.

I still have to investigate this guy. I was able to look inside through some of the windows. I was impressed. It was fixed up. There is new carpet etc. Three bedrooms. Two bathrooms.

Here are some pics of the house I’m probably NOT getting:

Bedroom
living room

I’ve been working. I’m waiting on a new client to sign a contract. They* are supposed to pay me $350 a month. I think they got cold feet. I have to go. I still have more work to do before I get into bed.

*They are nonbinary. I have never mentioned this, but I’ve been nonbinary before everyone knew what it meant. I still use she/her pronouns, though. I need to blog about this one day. My gender (just like sex) is not important to me so I rarely think about it.

Music of the week – Boyce Avenue, Ariana Grande, Jack Ingram, Jewel, Rachel Platten, Taylor Swift, Bethany Dillon, Carly Rae Jepsen

I really have to go if I want to go to bed on time. Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🙂

I Quit

I’m wearing my $559 Michael Kors glasses. Unfortunately, I don’t have vision insurance. Well, I have free vision insurance, which means the eye exam was free. Thanks to me having Triple A, the price went down. With my free insurance, the glasses would have cost $660.

Before anyone thinks Michael Kors was the problem, the frames only cost $136. The cheapest frames were $90, so I thought, why not go with MK? I had picked out light purple Liz Clairborne frames. They were on sale for $130, but the woman thought dark purple looked better on me. 

The reason why my glasses cost so much was due to me needing a progressive lens. Trifocals. And I foolishly let them put scratch-resistant lenses in. I wanted the blue light because all I do is sit in front of a computer for 12+ hours a day. I should have told the lady at Lens Crafter that my budget was $300. She just threw everything in and acted like $600 wasn’t a big deal.

I picked purple glasses, of course! I’m still getting used to them. I drove in them for less than 10 minutes. I like reading with them, but I’m still having problems seeing my work computer for my day job. Now I’m wondering whether the prescription is strong enough. My next eye exam is on July 4, 2022. I hope I don’t have to get new lenses. I will have real vision insurance next year, so it shouldn’t be as expensive.

I’m still having problems walking with these glasses. But other than that, everything is okay. I’ve never worn glasses before. Isn’t that obvious?

I’m researching so many things right now. I don’t have time for anything. That’s why I haven’t been blogging here as of late. I need a new PCP. I might take an ADHD test. BUT I might have Lyme disease and not ADHD. (They often get confused because some of the symptoms are the same). I had a tick bite years ago. I never got it checked out. 

I want a solution. Antidepressants aren’t helping, but my life is also kind of shitty. The only thing going for me is my dog and my business. However, due to my day job, I cannot spend as much time marketing my business. If it weren’t for my “old” clients, I wouldn’t have much business going on. 

I see my living situation and my day job as my main problems. Everything comes down to money. (In a capitalistic society, that’s a common issue). 

I’m fully vaccinated—no horrible side effects from the second shot. I had to get the vaccine later than most people because I was sick from gastroparesis. I feel bad for people who aren’t getting the second shot because they can’t take time off from work if they get sick. I took time off in advance in case I got ill. 

Update on my dad: He’s okay. He’s in a nursing home until my sister can find an independent living place for him. He has veteran disability benefits, so he can live there for free. Right now, he’s in Maryland. But, for some reason, he wants to be in Virginia. I love Virginia (I would love it more if it never snowed), but I don’t know why he wants to live here. He’ll be happy in an independent senior place because he likes to go out every day, and now he can’t. 

I feel like I have so much to say since I haven’t done an actual post in weeks, but I’ll be back in a week or two. Unfortunately, I don’t have control over my time. One week I’m working 45 hours. The following week I’m working 60 hours. No control. 

I’m so over people talking about critical race theory. On both sides. #random 

Weight update: I’ve been stuck at 107 pounds for the past few weeks.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Dave Matthews Band, Kelly Clarkson, Lana Del Rey, Mariah Carey, Natasha Bedingfield, Patty Griffin, Brandy Clark, Carrie Underwood

TV of the week:  Big Brother, Wimbledon, Grey’s Anatomy 

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crime Junkie, Generation Why, True Crime Garage, I Have ADHD, All In with Chris Hayes, Fresh Air, Murder in Alliance, Jury Duty: The Trial of Robert Durst, Paper Ghosts, Crimelines

Books of the Week: Currently reading –

I finished reading Somebody’s Daughter by Ashley C. Ford. Great book. It’s a memoir. 4.5/5. I could relate to so much of it. 

I also finished Demons Forever by Sarra Cannon (3.5) and No One is Coming to Save Us (4) by Stephanie Powell Watts. The book by Watts had many great quotes and 75% of it is great, but it’s too long.

I’m trying to finish a bunch of books from the library. My goal was to read 24 books this year. Well, I already passed that. 

Goal for Next Week: Post on my business Instagram 2 times next week. I haven’t posted twice a week in about a year. I don’t have a goal to keep this up. Social media is too time-consuming. I would like to post once a week. 

Weekend Plans: I finished working overtime for my day job today. I only worked about two hours. Now I have to work on business stuff. I’m not even going to try to get everything done today. I will be working tomorrow too. At least, the weather is nice. 

Have a great week! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Light at the end of this long ride

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. But that’s every day. 

Let’s start with the good news first. One of my clients was paying me $18 per hour. My rate is now $20 per hour, but I had no problems with her rate. On Monday, she asked me to start charging her $25 per hour!! I was so shocked and thrilled. My rate should probably be $25 by now, but I’m too scared to do that, and I’m not doing that. 

In May 2021, I made the most money I’ve ever made in my business. That’s despite taking 5 days off for my birthday. I’ve been in biz for 18 months.

I just took a whole marijuana gummy. It probably won’t make a difference. I took a half of one last week for the first time, and I got zero reaction. Well, I got nauseous. With gastroparesis, my food doesn’t digest. Guess what? That includes edibles!! So I shouldn’t be shocked that I can’t digest weed in this way.

Update: About 3 hours later, I went into a pretty deep sleep, and I felt moments of maybe being a little high. I’m doing okay most nights with sleep so, I don’t know what good this medical marijuana is doing. 

I made a telehealth appointment with the pharmacy at the marijuana dispensary. It’s free. I just want to know what my options are. I’ve never smoked, and I don’t want to start now. And I can’t eat it. This dispensary has limited options. I’ve heard patches exist, but I’m pretty sure they don’t sell patches. 

I need glasses! I’m not sure if it’s because I’m malnourished or if it’s due to getting older. I have an eye exam scheduled for July 2. 

My weight is between 106 and 107. At this point, I would be happy at 110. But it isn’t about the weight. It’s more about being malnourished. I’m going to see a new PCP in July or August. I need to get labs done to make sure things are going okay. 

Some pretty big stuff is going on, but I need time to process it. I may blog about it later. 

This Week I…

Music of the week: Maria Mena, Bethany Dillon, Audrey Assad, Mariah Carey, Rachel Platten, Taylor Swift, Tori Kelly, Amy Grant

Maria Mena never misses. I love her.  

TV of the week:  The Handmaid’s Tale, Cruel Summer

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie, Generation Why, The Piketon Massacre, True Crime Garage

Books of the Week: Currently reading – 

Living (Well!) with Gastroparesis by Crystal Zaborowski Saltrelli

Demons Forever by Sarra Cannon

No One is Coming to Save Us by Stephanie Powell Watts

Goal for Next Week: I am back to meditating now. I’ve done it every day for two weeks. For next week, I just want to do well at my day job since a new period starts. I hope we don’t have required overtime next week. This week we had five hours. Next week will probably be the same.

Weekend Plans: Today is Sunday. Not the best weekend I’ve ever had due to other people’s actions. I’ve done most of my work for my clients, so I don’t have a lot of work to do today. I’m doing a little marketing for myself. I want to get some reading done. I’m looking forward to walking my dog later today.

Have a nice week! Thanks for reading. 🙂

Invest in My Happiness

I’m stuck at 105 pounds. I was up to 107, and then I did all that walking and hiking on vacation. Since then, I’ve been 105. I was down to 103 when I was my sickest. 105 doesn’t seem that great. I should weigh at least 125. But I’m happiest at 135.

It occurred to me yesterday that of course, I’m stuck. I keep eating the same things day after day! With gastroparesis, I don’t have a lot of food options. I cleaned out my freezer yesterday. I gave so much food away. I can’t eat it any longer. If I could processed food (like I used to), I would weigh at least 110.

I’m wearing a size four pair of jeans I recently ordered from ThredUp. I should have ordered size two. But I thought for sure I would gain enough to wear a size four. I did order one pair of size two jeans. I haven’t tried them on yet.

Anyway, I started a liquid multivitamin because most of the food I can eat doesn’t have many nutrients. I hope my body is absorbing the vitamin. With gastroparesis, the liquid could sit in my stomach. Who knows?

I’m so pissed at my workplace. They don’t want me to be great. We had a break from mandatory overtime this week. But next week, I have to do ten extra hours. I’m physically and mentally sick. PLUS, I’m running a business. I hate them!

How am I supposed to ever leave and get my business off the ground if I’m always working for them? They are hiring more people (temps, I think) BUT training is 6 to 8 weeks. Does that mean we have eight more weeks of working 50 hours a week? Just shoot me.

If I were 25 years old with no major illnesses and no business, I would be OK with working extra hours. However, that is not my life.

I’m supposed to get my second COVID vaccine next Saturday. I took that the following Monday off in case I have side effects. I decided to get the vaccine because my GP (gastroparesis) isn’t that bad right now. I can eat without vomiting, and I’m not as nauseous.

My medical marijuana card should be here in 20 days or so. Weed will be legal here in July, so I don’t know if I will use the card. That might help with appetite.

I had a great trip with my dog. I’m bummed that I’m back. LOL. The cabin was nice. I loved the beaches. One was better than the other. The one farther away (about a mile) is really nice. It was pretty much empty. I had one conversation with a lady about my dog. Other than that, I didn’t talk to anyone.

I slept and read a lot. I walked about 5 miles a day. That’s the only way to get to the beach. It isn’t accessible for people with problems walking. Next year, I’m going to the actual beach or a different state park. State parks are cheaper, which is why I went this year.

My dog and the beach don’t get along well. And only expensive hotels accept dogs. I went in 2019 with my dog. He growled at every dog in the lobby. It was embarrassing. At one point, I thought they might say he was too aggressive and kick us out! One of the workers (from the kitchen, I believe) was complaining about my dog barking. Not good.

Weekly

Music of the week: Jewel, John Mayer, Joss Stone, Mariah Carey, Taylor Swift, Amy Grant, Ariana Grande, Bishop Briggs

TV of the week:  The Handmaid’s Tale

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Confronting Columbine, Abraham Hicks Daily, We Can Do Hard Things, Generation Why, The Piketon Massacre, True Crime Garage

Books of the Week: I’ve read so many books since I’ve done a list here. I don’t have time to list all the books here. Currently reading –

Living (Well!) with Gastroparesis by Crystal Zaborowski Saltrelli

Demons Forever by Sarra Cannon

Goal for next Week: Start meditating again. I used to be so good at it. I haven’t meditated for two days straight in a month! Next week is probably not a good time to stat with work and all, but I’ll try. I also want to keep journaling in my ‘private’ journal.

Weekend Plans: I just got back from walking my dog. It’s so hot and lovely. I went grocery shopping earlier today. I will probably work for about an hour this evening. My clients keep giving me new stuff to do. Tomorrow I’m going to try and take it easy because I know next week will be hell with the mandatory overtime.

Thanks for reading. Have a great day. 🙂 If I don’t update it’s probably because they are working me to death.

Am I Dying?

This won’t be a long entry.

I weigh under 108 pounds. I’m losing weight so fast. I’m sick. I can’t eat. Gastroparesis is kicking my ass.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. Right now, I’m working my ass off. I might take unpaid leave (FMLA) if I have to. I might go to the hospital if a doctor tells me to go.

I’m on a two-week medicine for gastroparesis, but it’s not working. Monday is my last day on the medication. I’ll be glad to get off the medicine. What if that’s messing up my stomach more? It’s possible.

So some people think my organs are shutting down. (How dramatic!) Some people think I should do this or that. Whatever.

My dog is clinging to me. It’s like he knows how sick I am.

I haven’t canceled my birthday trip. I don’t think I would get any money back, so I probably won’t cancel. I might give them a heads up as a courtesy. I’m supposed to leave on May 17th for that. If it were today, I would still go even though I’m weak.

I should have some plans in place within a week. I don’t know.

Current Events: I am probably in the minority, but I don’t think the defense is doing a horrible job in the Derek Chauvin trial. I hope the jury isn’t falling for it, though. Plus, the defense hasn’t even started calling their witnesses.

This week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Joss Stone, Miranda Lambert, Yola, Caylee Hammack, Charlie Puth, Ellie Goulding

TV of the week:  Fatal Vows, Mrs. America

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie, Tara Brach, So You Wanna Be a Witch

Books of the Week: Finished reading (sorry – no links today)

The Midnight Library by Matt Haig – 5 Stars. I could relate so much to Nora. Perfect timing.

Murder of Innocence by James Patterson – 4 stars. Okay, if you like true crime. Nothing special.

Save the Date by Monica Murphy – 3.5 stars. Good book to read in a day if you’re sick. Otherwise, skip it.

Weekend Plans: TAXES. I’ve never paid so much taxes in my life. If I feel like walking, I may mail my self-employed taxes off this weekend since I can’t pay online yet. Next weekend I’m going back to working seven days a week UNLESS I go on FMLA. They are bringing back mandatory overtime. I might try to get a doctor’s note or something. I can barely work 40 hours for them. Seriously.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week. 🙂

It’s not worth looking for

WordPress tricked me, so I will have this domain for another year. I will not renew next year. I already canceled.

I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital this week. I’m glad I didn’t. I have a $400 copay for the ER, so I’m going to try to avoid that at all costs. Besides, what would they do? Give me enough nutrients and send me on my way. FOR $400. 

And then I would have to go back every time I get stressed and can’t eat. I’m not paying all that money. I couldn’t eat or drink on Wednesday. Then on Thursday, I could eat dinner. I lost 2 pounds*. I’m down to 113 pounds. However, that’s not the point. The point is that my body isn’t enough nutrients. I’m also eating too much sugar, which I think maybe causing me diabetes. My dad has diabetes. 

*I lost one pound from going to the sauna. But I’m not going to stop going since I paid in advance. If I’m already weak that day, I’ll cancel. But otherwise, it relaxes me SO MUCH. It is totally worth it. I felt so stress-free when I went on March 21. I almost felt happy for the first time in nearly a year. 

I think stress made me sick this week. On Monday, I was arguing on the phone with the radiology company. They claimed I didn’t pay the $60 bill. I did. I can prove it from my bank account!! But they don’t care. I’m letting this go and letting another company take care of it…for now. I hope they don’t send the bill to collections. My credit score can’t take stupid hits. 

I PAID THE BILL.

And then on Tuesday, a new psychiatrist wouldn’t give me a different medicine that I NEED so I can take medicine for gastroparesis. I’m dying here. Please just give me the medicine. Whatever. I will just go without an anti-depressant if I have to. I see my local psychiatrist on April 5. This will be my last attempt at working with these assholes. 

All this and the medicine might not work. ARGH! But at least let me try the medicine. 

In conclusion, all the above stress plus the regular stress from working and my living situation just shut my body down. I couldn’t eat, sleep or drink. I could barely walk my dog on Thursday. I had to walk really slowly.

 I didn’t want to blog about all this because it is bringing back the stress again. And I have to pay the IRS $513. Remember, some of this is due to no fault of my own. Of course, I have to pay self-employment taxes. To pay my taxes, I have to borrow someone’s printer, go to the bank and get checks, buy stamps and then mail the taxes. I had to write out the steps so I wouldn’t get too overwhelmed. I’m taking off 2 hours to deal with the tax stuff. 

I don’t have time for this shit. I’m always working. I live in a heightened sense of stress all the time. That’s not healthy. Hell, that’s why I got sick this week! My body can’t take this anymore. 

I just hope I don’t have to take an Uber to the hospital. That’s the goal for now. Everything else doesn’t matter. Oh, and I hope I can go on my birthday trip in May. I can’t afford to take time off for the hospital. And I can’t afford the bill either. 

Current Events: Update on the Derek Chauvin jury selection: They now have enough women. I’m still slightly worried that mostly women or black people will be alternate jurors. That would not be good. I think there are 3 or 4 Black jurors. The Hispanic guy got kicked off because he couldn’t get the settlement off his mind. There are also multiracial people on the jury. Anyway, I was so worried because, in the beginning, it was all white males. The trial starts tomorrow. I will not be listening live because I have training at work at that time. I’ll probably start listening to the “replay” at noon.

This week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, Ariana Grande, Tori Kelly, Lennon Stella, Amy Grant, Arlissa, Ashanti

TV of the week:  Fatal Vows

Podcasts of the week: Dateline, Truth and Justice, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie, Tara Brach, So You Wanna Be a Witch

Books of the Week: I finished reading –

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen 4.5/5 Very informative. It made me think of things I never thought about. I’m asexual, btw. I don’t think about sex. Ever. So it was interesting reading how “normal” people experience sex being all around.

Weekend Plans: I’ve worked all weekend. I’m exhausted. I will try to rest today. Taking only one day off a week is not really helping me, but I’ll keep doing it. After I finish blogging, I’m going to try to print my taxes off on another printer. It’s supposed to rain, so my dog and I may not get a walk today.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🙂

Still hanging out in dark bars

I’ve been telling various people my story, and all have come to the same conclusion – I’m stuck. That’s not comforting. Who wants to be stuck and have no options?

I don’t even have my health. My weight is somewhat stable at 115. Sometimes it goes up a pound or two. Oh, and my blood pressure is 133 over 100, which is horrible, and I probably shouldn’t be walking around like this. However, I can’t eat much, so I have to eat whatever I can even if it’s “bad” for me. I’m never hungry. I just eat so I will have enough energy. No appetite.

I didn’t get to speak to the new psychiatrist. So no new medication for my stomach issues. But I do have an appointment with my old psychiatrist on Sunday night. He doesn’t seem to get that I can’t just stop my anti-depressant cold turkey. How can a doctor not get that??? And I know he’s a good doctor, so this is frustrating.

Nothing has changed. I’m stressed out due to things beyond my control, and that has made me physically sick.

I would be much less stressed if we had Medicare for All. But Americans want people to suffer, so we don’t have that. I find some comfort in the fact that some of them of suffering too. Yet they accept the health insurance we have! How dumb is that? But if they want to suffer…

I have two days off next week. Thank the universe!!! I need more weeks like this. I wanted to go to the park, but it will probably rain. I’m going to the thrift shop (I haven’t been there in years) and the sauna. The sauna is the only thing that takes my stress away, but it’s not free. It’s not too expensive. I’m going to sign up for the two visits a month plan for $49. I will try to keep it for three months.

The only downside of the sauna is that you can burn 600 calories from one visit. (!!!) Um, that’s the last thing I need. But I love the other effects, so I’ll do it twice a month until my money runs out. I hope I don’t burn that many calories. Not good.

I’m still crossing my fingers for the park. That was the whole plan for these days off. My dog would be so happy. It’s not supposed to rain on Sunday, but everyone is at the park on Sundays. My dog is not good around other dogs. Sigh. But that seems like my only choice. Whatever it takes.

Current Events: I’m listening to the Derek Chauvin jury selection process. (He kneeled on George Floyd’s neck). I’m so frustrated by the lack of women on the jury so far. Both sides are guilty of passing on women. Of course, there aren’t a lot of Black people on the jury so far. One juror identifies as Black. Oh, and there’s one Hispanic man and one biracial woman. I just want more women on the jury. The trial starts March 29. I will be there. Oh, and it was a big mistake for the city to award Floyd’s family $27 million BEFORE the trial. The jury will see that headline and it could mess up the verdict.

This week I…

Music of the week: Mary J. Blige, Taylor Swift, SWV, Grace Potter, Natasha Bedingfield, The Highwomen, Amy Grant, Carly Rae Jepsen

TV of the week:  Fatal Vows

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, Truth and Justice, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie

Books of the Week: I’m reading about 10 books, but I haven’t finished any since I last posted.

Weekend Plans: Working. Some people complain about working 5 days a week, and yeah that sucks but try working WAY more and still not being able to have your own place. Try that and call me back. I woke up early this morning. I have about 50% of my work done for today. Not bad. I can’t wait until I start going to the sauna on every other Sunday. Tomorrow I’m going to try to finish a library book before it’s due. It’s a book about asexuality.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week/weekend. 🙂

Trouble swallowing my meds

My life is a shitshow. What else is there to say? It’s really bad. It just sucks. The end.

I saw two dieticians since I last posted. One didn’t know anything about gastroparesis, but seeing her was free, so not a big deal. The second dietician knows her shit, but she costs $55 per visit (I think – still waiting for the final bill). Ouch. $55? She’s good, but I don’t think anything she says is going to help me gain 20 pounds.

I have given up on getting back to my normal weight of 135 unless some kind of medication works. I just need to not go under 115 pounds. I’m already underweight for my height. Sigh.

Oh, and I finally got my labs back. My thyroid results came back abnormal, but who the fuck cares? Add that to the list. I might address that when I see my PCP in July. She sucks and is always late, so I have to take a whole day off to see her. I need a new doctor, but who has time to do that? Do I just pick someone randomly? I might do that.

I see a new psychiatrist on Friday (virtually). I hope she can get me off this anti-depressant, so I can take the medicine that might help with the gastroparesis. Whatever. Who cares? Next.

I’m financially fucked. I might see if I can sue Abilify (like many others have). Abilify is the reason why my life sucks so much right now. I hate how Americans sue people so easily, but this company fucked up my life and its in shambles because of them.

Why should I suffer for FIVE YEARS (or more) for what their medication caused? Why am I paying the price? Why? All I did was take a medication. They didn’t disclose that their medicine could cause compulsive spending until 2016 when so many people reported them. Abilify has been sued and has had to pay millions.

Is the statute of limitations a problem? Maybe. I will contact a legal service when I have the fucking time. Which is never because I’m always working to pay off the IRS and debt. All due to Abilify. Where is my debt forgiveness? I didn’t do shit to deserve all this. I just took medication.

Actually, it’s not only Abilify. If Joe Biden hadn’t come up with the bankruptcy bill, I would be fine right now. I wouldn’t have the stress. I probably wouldn’t be sick*. I might even be living alone. Thanks for nothing, Joe. Fuck him.

*The dietician did say my gastroparesis is probably due to stress which makes sense. I was doing A LOT of work in my business, and I started work in a new department. I had no air conditioner and was working in a 100-degree room. That’s when all this started.

I need a little mercy. Mercy.

I just need a break. I need one thing to go right.

This week I…

Music of the week: Mariah Carey, Joy Oladokun, Whitney Houston, Ed Sheeran, Emily Jones, JoJo, Natasha Bedingfield, Patty Griffin

TV of the week:  Fatal Vows

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Truth and Justice, American Nightmare, Crimelines, Through the Cracks, Undisclosed 

Books of the Week: I finished two books since I last posted.

Badass Habits by Jen Sincero – Apparently everyone else likes this book more than I did. I know how to do habits so maybe I’m not the right person to read this book. I didn’t like that she kept mentioning losing weight as an example of a habit. Annoying. Otherwise, I guess this book is okay if a person has no idea on how to start a new habit. 3.5 stars.

If You Tell: A True Story of Murder, Family Secrets, and the Unbreakable Bond of Sisterhood by Gregg Olsen. Nonfiction. SO GOOD. So disturbing. This book will stay with you after you are done. The abuse of children and adults are so bad, I had to skip parts. I will never forget Shelly. She’s a monster. 5 stars.

Weekend Plans: I worked all day. Well, I just finished and decided to blog today instead of tomorrow morning. I could have done more work, but one of my clients didn’t give me enough info to start so now I will be scrambling next week. Sigh. These people are killing me. I’m taking Sunday off…unless the client responds. Then I might work an hour tomorrow. Otherwise, I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow. I will probably read. I hope there’s a good college basketball game on. I haven’t been watching much basketball this year, but I’m thinking of watching March Madness. I have the first two days of the tournament off from my full-time job.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week. 🙂

Bury me under the weight

My domain isn’t expiring until April. So I won’t be moving back to my old domain until then.

Everything is the same. Or worse. The fucking pharmacy couldn’t fulfill my medicine request because it was out of stock, so I can’t get it. How unlucky is that? I could try another pharmacy, but that’s still a pain because of all the phone calls.

So…I’m going to go without the medicine for now. I have an appointment with a dietician on Monday night, but it is unclear whether she deals with people wanting, no, NEEDING to gain weight. I messaged her on Thursday, but she hasn’t responded. I hope this isn’t a waste of time, but a lot of people waste my time. What else is new?

If she can’t help, I’m going to call a few local dieticians. Another bunch of phone calls. I hate talking on the phone. I guess that’s pretty obvious.

I don’t know what a dietician will say that I can’t Google. I don’t cook. I’m not spending a bunch of money on food. Every time I talk to someone about food, they either want me to cook or go to Whole Foods and double my food budget. Not happening.

I forgot the worst news. I’m going to owe a lot of taxes this year. Not just because I have a business, but because I’m in a debt consolidation program. I have to pay taxes on all the debt. So far, I owe $433, and it’s not done. I still have to wait for the other companies to send me their tax forms. I won’t be able to file until the very end of March. I might have to have a payment plan. I don’t have thousands to send to the IRS!

Everything sucks, and things are getting worse. I can’t get a break. I was reflecting earlier this week, and this is the worst time of my life. I don’t even have my health!

No love and light over here until I get some love and light. And it’s winter. It keeps snowing, so I haven’t been able to go to the lab to get my blood drawn. I’m going to try to do it this Friday morning if it doesn’t snow again. I have to take one test in the AM, which has been the problem. I have to take time off work for this shit. UGH.

I did get a new client. She’s going to pay me $300 a month for three months (all going to the IRS – LOL). So that’s good. I’m feeling imposter syndrome. What if I suck? What if I end up working 24/7 for this client just to get results? What if I can’t get results? Most people charge about $450 a month for this service because it is a lot of work. Sigh.

Current events: I’ve listened to about 70% of the impeachment hearing. What a nightmare for the people in the Capitol that day. Everyone should have had paid time off (yes, even the cops) after the incident. But we all know in this capitalist society that that didn’t happen. Work. Work. Work. Even if it kills you and some people did die by suicide. That’s tragic.

This week I…

Music of the week: Britney Spears, Joy Oladokun, Ariana Grande, Amy Grant, Stacie Orrico, Taylor Swift, Lindsay Lohan, Mariah Carey

Discovering Joy Oladokun is the best thing that has happened to me in 2021.

TV of the week:  Bridgerton

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Truth and Justice, American Nightmare, Crimelines, Mental Illness Happy Hour, Tara Brach, Through the Cracks, Undisclosed

Books of the Week: I finished reading The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation by Thich Nhat Hanh It was okay. I would recommend other books to beginners. Speaking of meditation, my anxiety is so off the scale that I’ve been having a hard time meditating. I know meditation is important but I need a different method or time to meditate.

Weekend Plans: I’m setting up my work for my new client even though I don’t officially start until March 1. I will spend most of the day on her stuff. I’m taking tomorrow off. I’m trying to keep taking Sundays off for as long as I can. Can I take one day off a week? Am I worthy enough? Or do I exist just to pay bills?

Thanks for reading. Have a nice weekend/week. 🙂

She’s coming to life again

ALERT: I am not renewing this domain name. So my website will be going back to – http://www.paperthoughts.wordpress.com sometime soon. I might have this on every entry until my domain expires.

My dad got the first COVID vaccine shot. I was happy for him, but he says he’s not going back to get the second shot. So what’s the freaking point??? Maybe he will change his mind. I probably won’t be able to get the vaccine until summer. I’m not overly concerned about it. I just hope I only have to get one shot.

My illness has a name! Gastroparesis is what I have. Only 39% of my food is leaving my stomach when it should be 100%. Unfortunately, I’m not able to take any medication due to the antidepressant I’m on. So I’m still losing weight. I’m down to 116 pounds.

I’m going to try to get off this antidepressant that I like so that I can get on medication. There is no cure for gastroparesis. So I guess I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life so I can eat? Will I be able to go to McDonald’s? Will I be able to eat pizza? Drink coffee? I have no idea. I’m just sick of losing weight, getting sick, and not being able to eat anything.

Hopefully, all this is resolved in six weeks. It will be a lot of going back and forth. Why is everything so complicated? I don’t want to quit taking my antidepressant. It isn’t perfect or anything, but I like it.

Oh, I’m not getting a colonoscopy. I can’t remember what I said last time I posted. I keep changing my mind! It might be a mistake, but whatever. Nothing I read about gastroparesis said anything about the colon. So that’s that.

I’m so excited. I just booked my birthday vacation! Last year I couldn’t go anywhere. It wasn’t just due to COVID. I had no money. I lost all my money through an online scam. I had $15 left in my bank account.

I’m leaving on Monday, May 17, and returning that Thursday. It’s not out of state. It’s about 90 minutes from where I live. I’ve never been to this state park before, so I’m nervous about how nice it will be and, more importantly, how my dog will react. We have a screened-in porch, so even if it rains, I hope I can enjoy nature. However, my dog likes to bark at humans and animals, so I’m worried he’ll bark at anyone near.

I have something to look forward to! This is a big deal because recently I’ve had nothing to look forward to. I’ve just been working every day.

Because of COVID, I have to take my sheets and cover. That’s the only difference. I’m going to buy the cheapest sheets and a nice blanket. Nope, I don’t have extra sheets lying around.

Yay, for birthday vacays!!!

Current events: No checks for the people. The end. And Biden promised $2,000; now he’s backtracking to $1,400. This is typical Biden behavior and should shock no one who pays attention. Most of his supporters don’t watch/read the news, so they probably don’t know how they are getting screwed. Yes, I will continue to trash Biden supporters for picking the wrong candidate.

This week I…

Music of the week: Amy Grant, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Ed Sheeran, Maggie Rogers, Mandy Moore, Tori Kelly, Bishop Briggs

TV of the week:  Real Housewives of the OC

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage

Books of the Week: I’ve finished more books since I last posted.

Dear Justyce by Nic Stone. Fiction. Part two of a series. Not as good as the first, but a must read in the series. 4/5

Kent State by Deborah Wiles. Nonfiction. This book is about the murder of 4 students protesting the Vietnam War. Great read, but short. I want to read more about this horrible day. 5/5

Weekend Plans: I’m working today. One of my clients is launching something, so I have a lot of different things to do. As of right now, I’m taking tomorrow off. I take one day a week off. Four days a month. That doesn’t seem like much. But when I start a new client on March 1, it will be a struggle to keep taking Sundays off but I will try.

Thanks for reading. Bookmark my ‘new’ site – http://www.paperthoughts.wordpress.com. Have a great weekend/week. 🙂