Something’s Missing

Hopefully the next time I post I will have a ticket to the John Mayer spring tour! Super excited!!!!!!! 😉 If you think that is a lot of exclamation marks, just want until I get tickets! 🙂 Tickets go on sale this Friday. I will have two computers set up and ready to buy. I put a reminder on my work computer. It will notify me 15 minutes before tickets go on sale. The one thing I’ve noticed is that I completely lose sense of days/weeks since I started working at home. I no longer count down the days of the week. On Thursday, I’m not thinking about Friday.

It might have something to do with me having to work 6 hours on Saturday. (Not really – it is only two Saturdays I get to work). Anyhow, my weekends are so busy now. Most of it is house stuff. I can’t wait to get rid of the house (via renting out or putting on the market) but all the work that leads up to it is AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I’m glad I’m working the extra hours. I just found out about the Mayer tickets on Monday and the price isn’t cheap. But I’ve been to about 20 concerts and I don’t think the price is unreasonable either. Some fans seem to think so though. I’m just glad I don’t have to travel. I know if I decide to see him again this summer, I will have to travel/do the hotel thing etc. I would follow John Mayer around the US. Too bad I can’t get paid for my passions. heh.

The one thing I meant to blog about last time, was happiness. I’ve been happy about 5 or 6 times during the past 3-4 years. It is easy to think of happy moments when you are depressed. That is probably a sign of depression. Anyway, yes one moment was the John Mayer concert I went to in 2010. But Mayer isn’t the point. I was trying to figure out why I was sort of depressed recently (pre finding out about the concert). And it is really simple: It was the letdown after being able to work at home.

I was SO HAPPY when I initially found out that I was going to work at home. This lasted for about 3 weeks. And then I started working at home. There is no new anymore. Of course there is going to be the letdown. The last time this happened was after my team made it to the Final Four….and then they lost. I was depressed for weeks. There was nothing to look forward to anymore. There was nothing to live for. Yes I was that depressed. Keep in mind I was already depressed but the weeks of March Madness gave pure joy. So I didn’t feel the depression. And after it was over BAM! So depressed.

This time isn’t as bad as that. It is just getting used to things. Work is still the same. The only difference is I don’t have the DRAMA from people to deal with. Trust me, that is wonderful but work is still work. I’m slowly adjusting to this. I wouldn’t say I’m really depressed – whatever that means. But there was a week after working at home where I was depressed.

I stayed in Monday through Friday of last week. It felt kind of good…I think. But I wouldn’t want to do that week after week. This week has been crazy. I’ve been going places during lunch and after work. Sigh. And I still have to go to the bank tomorrow to deposit Avon money.

Now that I have a treadmill at home, I’m not that motivated to look for places to go. Do I need yoga to relax? I don’t know. I been on the treadmill daily. That is my exercise. (I need to stay on for 30 minutes a day but that is another entry…..). I go to my monthly counselor session next week. I know she will be disappointed that well, I haven’t done anything. But she has to understand that I went through a major change by working at home. And every other week is delivering Avon/going to the bank.

My thoughts on Toastmasters is: I don’t want to be around normal people doing public speaking. That isn’t fair to me. I know the #1 fear of people is public speaking but there’s that and then there is social anxiety. Sure I could go to one meeting but I know how this will end. I will feel inadequate because I am worse off then THEM. I’ve been through this ish before. Why can’t there be a social anxiety group where I live? There is nothing near me. The closet thing is a OCD meeting which would probably be a little beneficial to me.

I hope she understands. Why set myself up for failure and feeling bad about myself? Dexter had a great quote about finally feeling normal with a group of strangers. I would love that. But everywhere I go, I end up going home feeling like more of a freak. 😦 Is that what I need?

Anywhere I Lay My Head

Just because I work at home doesn’t mean…….

  • all my problems disappear
  • I don’t get PMS
  • work doesn’t stress me out
  • work is easy/fun
  • I want to “go” to work each day
  • I’ll be joyful (haha)

Etc. I think one person in particular doesn’t get it. She has a hard time getting things she doesn’t relate to. Her job is different. She has next to zero accountability. I would love a job like that since my job is the exact opposite. Sometimes I feel like I’m a doctor, because every mistake could blow up in my face. We have to be accountable for every. single. thing.

That causes STRESS. Working at home does not cure that. This morning was a total stress fest but by afternoon things calmed down a bit. I was productive today but I wanted to scream. It was just one of those days. It starts out well and then all shit hits the fan.

And then Avon….OMG. I have to erase my phone # off of everything. I don’t have time for this. I feel bad because someone ordered and I can’t get in contact with her. She wrote her email address sloppily. Even though I HATE calling people, I called her to get her email address. Guess what? It still didn’t go through. FUCK. I don’t care.

I’m done with new potential customers. This is my fault. I guess I really do need to take down almost everything (one thing I can’t take down) related to me and Avon. If people would email me, there would not be as much of a problem. But of course they call even though they have my email address. Sigh. Normal people. 😉 EMAIL. EMAIL. EMAIL.

Yes I’m stressed out over all this. Now someone who is related to one of my customers isn’t getting her order. Ugh, how am I going to get out of this?

Right now I don’t care much about Toastmasters. You know asking me to do public speaking is like asking me to do job interviews. That may be a bad analogy. My point is, it is easy for me to do scary FUN stuff. But public speaking? I have no interest in it. It sounds like torture. Torture myself during my free time???

Just because I went to yoga classes doesn’t mean it was easy for me, it was something I wanted to do at that time. Of all people, I would think a counselor would understand this. Fun scary things are easier to do then something I have zero interest in.

Should I have to explain that? See, this is my problem. I have no patience for what I think people ought to know.

Need to get ready for bed.

a soft place to land

It seems so natural, like it was meant to be. As if I’ve never known another life. So weird. I mean I have had to make adjustments. I have worked 4 days at home. I’m off the next two days. 🙂 I used to just ask for time off to get away from THEM. That is why I’m off the rest of the week. I thought I would still be in the office for sure. Now I am grateful for the time to run chores. I used to run errands during my lunch break whenever possible. I hated going places after work. Anyhow, now I will probably do most things after work.

I had to leave the house today. I know major bummer. 😉 Since I haven’t worked a whole week at home yet (next week will be my first), I don’t know what it is like. Will I feel a need to get out? I sort of hope so BUT I don’t want it to be a dying need. I don’t want to hate being home. I know I will never want to be back in that office. Sorry but I don’t miss the drama. NOT AT ALL.

The downside of working at home for me, is that I feel like I have less time/more to do. For example what I did after work today would have been done doing work hours…if I were at work. Now I’m thinking, “When am I supposed to pick up prescriptions or mail my mail etc?” It’s not really a negative thing just something I have noticed.

I’m also more or less asleep when I start work in the morning. Well, there isn’t much difference there. But while driving to work I would probably wake up a little more. Random.

I think I will try to find things to do outside of the house (well my counselor will probably insist that I do it so um…) The point of all this is that I will be out more…or it will feel like more since I’m doing things AFTER work. I’m so not used to that. I’m used to working near banks, shopping centers, dry cleaners etc. I didn’t see most things as a chore as long as I did it during my work day.

I will probably end up going to a gym at least once a week. (My last Groupon ran out). I may volunteer somewhere. (The cat place I contacted did not respond back). My counselor wants me to join Toastmasters!!! Um, can you say, “WOW what a big jump?” Geez. I guess everything else I did: yoga and cooking classes seemed to easy for me to do.

Geez. Just typing out toastmasters makes my stomach drop. I have thought about doing it before she even suggested it. I will look into but the chances of me going before my next appointment are very slim. I’m too terrified. 😦