I’m a toy that people enjoy

*******BREAKING NEWS******** Oh my fucking god! I passed the test!!! How the fuck? OMG. I passed. I needed a 70. I made a 73. WTF? I passed? OMG. I’m screaming right now. *&#^*


They are currently grading my exam. I might find out my results tomorrow. Or I may have to wait until Monday.  I think that’s what happened last time. I had to wait over the weekend. Fun times. I will probably put a breaking news update at the top of this entry IF I pass. lol. If I fail, I will be too despondent. I honestly don’t know how I will feel if I fail. I don’t think I will be depressed because I’m kind of expecting it.

Depo-Provera update: Well, I think it is slowly working. Overall, I’m not sure I would recommend Depo. Okay, I wouldn’t. It only worked for me because I work at home and don’t go out a lot. Depo would have destroyed my life if I had to go out a lot. I know that sounds dramatic, but that is how bad (heavy) my periods were.

I shouldn’t say were because I still get heavy periods from time to time, but it is not as bad as it used to be 5 weeks after I started the Depo. I’m getting my 3rd injection next month. I hope by then my period is completely gone. I didn’t gain weight from it or get depressed or crazy mood swings. Those were the things I was most afraid of. I had no idea heavy periods were even a side effect!

I wish I had an IUD inserted, but I didn’t want to deal with all that. But it would be nice not to have to go get an injection every 3 months.

It looks like I’m going to a Jehovah Witness Bible study on July 15. In case anyone is new, I’m agnostic. I used to consider myself an atheist, but I’m not one anymore. I don’t even know much about the JW religion even though M has been coming to my house for over a year. lol. Recently I’ve rarely seen her because I’m usually out on Saturdays.

About a month ago, she came to my house during a weekday while I was working! I was soo pissed. (not very spiritual). Don’t mess with my work or my sleep. 😉 I know she could tell I wasn’t thrilled she interrupted my work. I thought I would never see her again, but she came by this past weekend to invite me to Bible study so unless something comes up, I’m going. Since it is a Saturday, I don’t see anything coming up.

I like learning about other religions. I used to study religions for fun while I was growing up. I’m not excited about the Bible study, but it’ll only last 30 minutes. I’m open minded, and I probably need to get out more. I just go grocery shopping and to doctors these days.

I always say I don’t have friends, but I guess M could be a friend. I’m not into the whole friends thing, but intellectually and spiritually I know I can’t be isolated.

This week I…

Music of the week: Lorde, Halsey, Ellie Goulding, Shakira, Ed Sheeran, Little Mix, Alicia Keys, Ariana Grande

Lorde is freaking fantastic. I never knew that until now. Anyone can do ONE good album. But her sophomore album is possibly better than her debut.

TV of the week: Bloodline, NBA Draft

Direct TV Now made my life a little bit easier, and I’m so thankful because I was stressing out about the service. They noticed that I wasn’t using it during the free trial week so they sent me an email with a FREE 30 days. Yay! I’m planning on canceling it before the trial is over because of the lack of DVR service, and I don’t want to pay $50 a month. I do plan on signing up for Hulu TV Live by October. Why October? That’s when the NBA season starts.

If Direct TV Now, comes up with a DVR service (without raising the price) within the next two weeks, I will consider keeping the service. I know they are thinking about it and probably planning it. I doubt they add it in two weeks. I wish they would.

Movie of the week: I swear I’m going to finish Me Before You this weekend.

Books of the week: I finished reading The Rules Do Not Apply by Ariel Levy. It was an okay read. I gave it 4 stars on Goodreads which is better than okay. The more I think about it the more average it was.  I don’t know who I would recommend it to. Maybe people who love memoirs?

Now reading:

I don’t know if I’m going to finish the Manson Murders book. It is so long, and I don’t think I have enough time. As of right now, I’m going to try to finish it. Haven’t given up yet. I put too many books on hold at the library.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: I’m going grocery shopping at two stores in my borrowed maxi dress from LeTote. lol. I don’t like grocery shopping so anything I can do to amp myself up, I do it. I had a 5-month break from LeTote because I don’t go out much in the winter. But now I’m back.

Thanks to all the people who have used my Lyon + Post referral link! I can’t thank you enough. I was able to order two blouses this week with the money from the link. 🙂

Even if I don’t pass the test, I probably won’t study this weekend. I will come up with a study plan though. I plan to read “for fun” this weekend. I really want to make a dent in Helter Skelter. I have never even seen the movie.

Thanks for reading. May you have a great weekend! 🙂

When I’m on my own

I just ordered this:


I’m nuts. Totes. I’m picking it up on Saturday. It is a Samsung HDTV 28“. I don’t have room for anything bigger since I’m not mounting it on the wall. The story is that my other HDTV stopped working on Xmas eve. So I’ve been using a kind of low-quality TV ever since.

A short update on Depo-Provera: No period. Unbelievable, right? I’m only 4 days late, but I’m never THAT late. I have a hard time believing that being on birth control for 2 weeks, stops my period. LOL. I wish. I hope. PLEASE!!!!

I’m worried that I’m going to be late and then I will have my period on my birthday vacay in May. 😦 That would suck. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. But who wants to deal with that on their vacation? Not me. Screw periods. I’m so over them.

I have to go. I want to get some reading in before I get too tired. Bye!


The (slow?) Death of MSNBC.

When I realized it was really happening, I was sad. I’ve been watching MSNBC for over a decade. Prior to that, I used to watch CSPAN a lot. It’s just sad. Less than 2 years ago, Phil Griffin (the prez of the channel) was saying he wanted MSNBC to be the answer to Fox News. Now? It’s over. Ronan Farrow and Joy Reid shows being cancelled is only the first step. There will be a lot of changes. They are going for a “straight” news approach. When I want to watch straight news, I watch CNN.

Ed Shultz can kiss his show goodbye. Al Sharpton is soooo gone. My real concern is: what will happen to prime time? The moment Rachel Maddow is gone, MSNBC is officially dead. What will happen to Chris Hayes? I know he can do straight news but he would probably be so bored by that. I think Griffin will get rid of a ton of people. And I  am hoping, Chris Hayes is NOT on the list. I know he’ll always be around (somewhere) but I like having him on doing liberal news each night.

I can’t believe how sad I am over this. It’s like a part of my life is slowly being torn away. (dramatic, much?) I think Morning Joe, Tamron Hall, Andrea Mitchell, Chris Matthews and Jose Diaz-Balart will stay for sure. Maybe Alex Wagner too. The weekends have sucked for a while. I like Steve Kornacki but not his show. It’s too nerdy and I’m a total nerd. I love Melissa Harris-Perry but her show is extremely repetitive from week to week My god, who is the producer? I still watch her show sometimes but I usually can’t watch for the whole 2 hours.

Remember when Up With Chris Hayes was the best. show. ever. ??? Talk about being sad to see a great show go. I NEVER missed his show when I was home and if I wasn’t home, I would stalk the site to watch it online.

Oh well. All good things must come to an end. I think I’m going to stop watching it during the day. I will check in with  prime-time as long as Rachel, Chris and Lawrence are on. During this time of year, I’m usually watching sports so I don’t watch much cable news at night.

I have to blame liberals for this one. They act like they are too good to watch TV. “I don’t even own a TV”. Thanks a lot. I’ll probably go back to watching CSPAN. Maybe I will really learn something. 😉

I don’t need to live by your rules

I probably disagree with 70% of what Mayim Bialik says and thinks. But I have to agree with her 100% on the movie Frozen.

Well, I have to speak the truth: My sons and I did not like “Frozen.”

When we first saw it, I thought it was just me who didn’t like it and I had to stop myself from audibly exclaiming, “What!?” when things did not make sense and I rolled my eyes a LOT and felt bad that they might be enjoying it and here I was, Scrooge-ing away. But then the truth came out. They didn’t like it. Phew. Dodged that bullet.

…..Sure, it’s sort of hidden, but the search for a man/love/Prince is still the reigning plot line in the movie, as it is with pretty much all movies for young people which are animated. The sister’s desire to marry this guy she just met, and the other sister getting mad at her–we still have a plot about the identification of a woman being based on her desire and search to meet a man.

Of course, in general, in the Universe, heterosexual women tend to want to meet men and I am one of those women. My issue is not that. My issue is that this is a movie geared to small children who I don’t think need to be focusing on that as the main driving plot of a movie, especially when it’s not a literary or historically-based fairy tale. And these characters are young; certainly not old enough in my socially conservative opinion to be searching for mates!

I’ve had just enough already with this finding a man business in most every kids’ movie. Disney classics were all about this and look where it’s gotten us! Naked billboards of singers and women still not paid equal pay for equal work and ridiculous standards of beauty and body image and campaigns such as “Why I Don’t Need Feminism” and tons of other things proving we still have a ways to go.

Am I taking this all too seriously? Of course I am! That’s because I’m me!

(Read Mayim’s full post here) The only difference for me is that I find it pathetic when adult movies are the same way. I think the directors/writers/producers are “dumbing” down movies with the whole ‘girl must get the guy at the end’. And that is why I don’t like most movies these days. If I made a movie, it wouldn’t rate highly because there wouldn’t be any of that in it. But I’ll leave the movie making to my sister. She isn’t famous for making movies. She does short films on the side when she isn’t working her day job or traveling the world.

Enough about Frozen. What about me? 😉 I’ll be in VEGAS IN 25 DAYS!! YAY. I have changed my itinerary and will post an updated version later. I’m so thankful for the people on youtube explaining how Vegas really is. I needed a reality check. I will also post a link to those videos when I do my post.


Music for the week: Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, Sam Smith, Train, Mirana and The Diamonds, Counting Crows, Lea Michele, Demi Lovato

TV for the week: Big Brother, Homeland, Army Wives, The Chair

Army Wives isn’t very good. I’m going to keep watching to see if I change my mind. I’m fascinated by The Chair. I binged watched 5 episodes. I can’t keep watching because I don’t have Starz at home. 😦
Re: Big Brother – Derrick has played a flawless game so far. Flawless. Assuming he makes it to the final two, he will win. No doubt. I’m bummed that Victoria only made it that far because she doesn’t win any comps but whatever (girl power?). I enjoyed this season.

Movies of the week: None so far

Books of the week: Devil’s Knot: The True Story of the West Memphis Three by Mara Leveritt

It’s none of my business what you thing of me by Peter Baksa

The Declaration of you by Michelle Ward and Jessica Swift

Knitting projects of the week: My shawl is getting bigger! It is taking forever to knit this thing. I thought I could finish before Vegas but now I’m not so sure. I’ll try.


Here is the yarn I’m taking with me on the plane. Love this yarn.

plane project
plane project

I’m making a chunky garter stitch scarf. I will be on 4 planes for 14 hours (roundtrip). I’ll read half of the time and knit half of the time.

Goals for the weekend: Mow the whole lawn on Sunday (doubtful). Read at least 100 pages of Devil’s Knot. Knit my shawl. Work on Saturday. Spend at least an hour on my practicum. I have fallen behind with that. I need to get my head back in the game.

I’m still going strong with the #NoRedMeat (or pork) diet.

It’s okay to not be okay

Someone really damaged my mailbox this time. I can’t even get mail. I don’t have a mailbox. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do but I put my mail on hold until mid-April. I hope I don’t get anything important! I will try to find a handyman to put up a new (supposedly “vandal free”) mailbox soon. Vet bills, plus stuff around the house. ::drowning:: $$


Music for the week: Lea Michele, Sara Evans, Aloe Blacc, Ledisi, Suzanne Vega, Jonatha Brooke, Juanes, Lorde

Aloe Blacc is as wonderful as the critics say.

TV for the week: March Madness, Desperate Housewives, Resurrection

I gave Resurrection a chance…okay, I only watched one episode. It might be the greatest show on network TV but I’m giving up. If a pilot doesn’t grab me, I usually don’t give it a second chance. The pilot is supposed to be mind blowing or at least satisfying.

I’m LOVING March Madness. Thursday was awesome. I watched 12 hours of basketball straight! (with mini naps in between, of course) Friday wasn’t as good. Duke lost. VCU lost. 😦 I’ve watched Duke a lot this year so I knew they weren’t that good but I didn’t expect them to lose in the first round. I’m so glad UVA won! They are a weak #1 seed so I was worried. Really worried.

Movie of the week:  none

Books of the week:  Teach Online: Design Your First Online Course by Jeanette Cates, Men We Reaped: A Memoir by Jesmyn Ward, Overcoming Underearning: A Simple Guide to a Richer Life by Barbara Stanny

Quote of the week:

Freedom, by definition, is people realizing that they are their own leaders.

-Diane Nash

Don’t think

Why is Entourage in syndication? And why did I have to find it? I’ve spent the past two Saturdays vegging out at 8PM and watching the Entourage marathon on VH1. They leave the word “shit” in after a certain time. Anyhow, I’ve been missing college football and SNL over Entourage repeats. Missing football is inexcusable. And Anne Hathaway (love her) was on SNL last night*. I missed 90% of it because I couldn’t take my eyes off Entourage. I used to think the show was overrated but good. 30 Rock is better and wittier…but now I find myself laughing hysterically at Jeremy Piven’s (Ari Gold) character. And Kevin Connolly (E) is the best actor on the show. He has the perfect reactions. IMO, he is the heart of the show. Compared to the other 3 in the ‘entourage’ he should win an Oscar. No offense meant. 🙂 I think he will be nominated one day.

*No I don’t have one of those fancy DVR/Tivo thingies.

Why am I talking about TV when my blood pressure is 135 (over something) NOT 130 like I previously posted. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Who cares? I want to die right? Is it the job or is the general/social anxiety catching up with me? My BP in June was normal so maybe it is nothing. I don’t know

I’m also considering checking myself into an inpatient behavioral health facility. It would do wonders for this blog. I haven’t checked my stats in months because it was depressing but I bet I would get hits then. I know someone at work is reading (Hi!). Checking into a psych ward is easier than making friends, dating, maintaining my own business etc. Easy is the wrong word. However, I sorta know the steps. I can’t do it now. I’m supposed to start school in January. So let’s say I really want to do this, I would do it in the fall of 2011.

Woah, let me back up. WHY WOULD I DO THIS? Because what if this is really a chance to be normal? What if I could possibly have a regular life??? I don’t want to believe this is possible. I don’t even know what I’d do…besides have a really good time visiting Mexico. (Yes Mexico would have to be delayed).

The bad thing is missing work and paying for it. If I do it I have to do it while I have health insurance. Inpatient would be $1800 max for one stay. I don’t think there is a limit. If someone needed 120 days for a serious physical/mental illness, it would still be $1800. That is with insurance and not including taxes, btw. I have no idea how the outpatient thing works. I know it has to be 6 hours a day. That would work better for me but would it cost more? And could I still work a few hours a day and get short term disability?

I know these answers aren’t hard to find but I dunno…If I have a chance at a normal life, I think I should go for it. But the cost is high. I’m not just talking about money. There will also be pressure. I would tell as few people as possible. But what if it doesn’t work? What if my insurance company only gives me X number of days/hours? What if I lose my job after the stay? (Yes I know that is illegal but I’m not that naïve). I find it bothersome that EVERY person at my job that has ever taken short term leave, has NOT come back. These are only people I know about…oh wait, one woman with cancer did come back to work. But the people with the hush-hush illnesses just disappeared.

I’m writing about this in my paper journal also. These are just initial thoughts. I may never do it. Or maybe I will see if going to my counselor more frequently will help? My SA is too severe for just meds and talking to a psychologist but what if there is something I’m missing?

The thought of being normal is so overwhelming. And I hate to say my cat is also a factor but she is. My cat doesn’t even like me. LOL. She doesn’t like other cats either so I don’t take it too personally. Sometimes she is sweet. I think she is bitter about being dropped off at the animal shelter when she was 2 years old. She stayed there for over 4 months. Then I adopted her. I’ve been bitten and scratched a few times. She is so much like me. Well I don’t bite humans because I’m scared of them but I totally would if I could. (?)

Oh the cat issue is that I cannot take her to the vet or ANYWHERE. She will not allow anyone to pick her up. So if I were to do inpatient care, I have no idea what I’d do with her. The only option I know is trapping her. But since I can’t get her to the vet, she won’t have her rabies shot. (She is an indoor cat). Isn’t that illegal? FUCK.

Main issues:

1. cost ($)/making less money
2. missing work
3. cat
4. do I have to tell my mom? (If inpatient – YES – there would be no way around that one)
5. if it doesn’t work, I wasted money and could have gone to Mexico instead

faux housewives of metro dc/va

I’m not going to start a Real Housewives of VA fansite. I’m not in like with anyone on the show. But OMG, fascinating. A lot of people are saying “boring”. Hmm, the NYT gave it a rave review. Yes they gave a HW franchise a good review. Why? Because this show has substance. It is about the social side of politics. In DC (where these women socialize some of the time), people claim to hate politics. However, all they do is talk about it! Just like Hollywood. They hate it. But everyone is talking about the next script or their audition etc.

This is the stuff politics nerds live for. And even if you are a transplant to DC or VA, you eventually get sucked in. DC = politics all the time. You get bored. You turn on CSPAN. Not kidding.

Of course most of DC hates it because they hate everything…but they are watching!

From the Washington Post:

Finally, the word D.C.: Always the ultimate artificial no place, adhering to no map or agreed-upon boundary, having nothing to do with the greater Washington area where many of us live and work normally, having nothing to do even with the “Washington” glimpsed in our many glossy society magazines, but nevertheless serving as a surreal backdrop for the newest of Bravo’s five permutations of “The Real Housewives” true-life soap opera.

How can it be embarrassing to DC when there is no DC? They take themselves too seriously. This is a silly TV show. Get off your high horse for a second.

Anyway for non DC snobs and non TV snobs, enjoy it. I don’t think folks in Cali, Iowa, or Alabama are going to watch it and love it as much as “we” do so I fear that the ratings may not grant them a second season. Or they will bring on new housewives. Who knows?

I’ve only seen the show once so I don’t have a ton to say about it. Random thoughts:

*Could it be more obvious that Cat is not a from the DC area? LOL. I don’t have good sound on my TV but I’m assuming she also has a British accent. 🙂

*Yes the “integrate the salon” thing was naïve/silly. HOWEVER, a good business person would do that. You could live really well and probably retire a millionaire if you do it right. I know she (the Kennedy chick) wasn’t speaking of the business aspect but smart and aggressive people know that to make money owning a salon, integrate. Totally random and not the point, I know.

*The black chick – I would call her the real estate chick- but since she is the only black woman on the show… I feel bad that people are going to say, “she brings up race all the time”. Please, this is Bravo. Yeah she said it to the camera on a one on one but whatever. Let the season play out before you hate her. I was drooling over the houses she was showing. Me want!

*The modeling agency owner – wait, who knew they had a big agency – I have to get the name. I’m just curious. She says Michaela (spelled wrong) is scary thin. Um, they look the same size to me. M isn’t that thin. Some people are naturally thin. Just because you can see bones doesn’t mean they don’t eat. Chances are they have a good metabolism if they don’t work out all the time.

*I can’t believe the Kennedy chick is old enough to be married for 24 years! She is the “likable chick” but I will still call her Kennedy. (In case you didn’t watch, she grew up with the Kennedy’s. Stayed at their house etc.)

*One thing I thought was weird was when Cat said that Clinton Powell and Bush (or some other Republican) lived in McLean, Virginia. STILL? Does Colin Powell still have a house there? He hasn’t worked in DC for years.

*I wish where I lived political views would be treated like they are in DC. But less people where I live work for the government. Stacie (real estate chick – finally googled) said DC is conservative. True but not as conservative as where I am.

*I love DC but I am so glad I do not live there. The traffic is atrocious. Muah.

*I’m sure I would have more to say if I wasn’t doing 8 things while ‘watching the show’. I might even know their names!

blame it on the alcohol

People definitely react differently to alcohol. It doesn’t make me more personable/talkative. It makes me sad even if I wasn’t before…which is not the case today. Even though I just had a wine cooler (strawberry daiquiri), I’m swearing off on drinking. Is beer fun? Why do some people have fun when they drink? I’ve never been drunk so….

so fucking depressing…but I’m not going to kill myself.

Do you ever just wish something good was on TV? Preseason football sucks!!!!! I have DVDs but the only dvd player I have is on my computer and I don’t want to watch anything that way. Maybe tomorrow. Are any of the horror movies in the theater any good?


Fine, don’t answer my questions.

This is a busy month for weekends but not in a good way.

I’ll get over it. I’m going to try to watch the Dahmer movie on IFC.

I had a Kelly moment

This blog will be more about my life than The Real Housewives of NYC. That show is the only appointment TV show for me. It is also the only show I can sit through the commercials and not do anything. And then I watch each episode at least 3 more times. Last night show was drama free and I loved it. There is something about the NYC series that I adore. Is it the women or the city? I don’t know. They don’t need drama to have a decent show.

Anyhow, back to me for a moment. We had a meeting at work. I didn’t come in on KellyTime. I was 5 minutes early. I didn’t say a thing (besides “Good morning”). Someone pulled a Bethenny on me. I didn’t get called Madonna which I would consider a compliment. I’m not going into what happen because I would have to explain everything. Basically I was listening and concentrating on the leader instead of “Bethenny”. Beth then sarcastically said, “Well why are we here?” That probably doesn’t make sense without the back story. I’m not going to ask Beth for a meeting. She would just laugh at me.

Back to the show –

buy her book
buy her book
I’ve heard bizarre things about people in Connecticut. Last night’s show did not help my perception. Bethenny was offering WHOLE cookies and muffins. Yet these strange beings didn’t want them! ??? She didn’t have tiny samples. At first I thought her mistake was saying “vegan”. But as I continued to watch, I realized that it wasn’t Bethenny it was the people!

I can only gush about this show. I loved how they showed what everyone was working on. My favorite moment (besides the vagina comment) was when Bethenny revealed that her hobby turned into a career. She did go to culinary school so I thought it was a plan. However, I’ve been reading her background and she did seem to sort of fall into it. That inspires me.

I like flowers but I don’t want anyone to treat my vagina as a vase. I don’t know. I may change my mind. Bethenny may be onto something. The Ramona/Bethenny thing was probably more a dig at Jill. If I were Romana, I would listen to her. She built a brand from scratch. It took years! Listen Ramona. And in what world is Bethenny the underdog?

Not a lot of Silex last night. I thought it was cute how the kids celebrated Alex’s birthday. I thought it was odd that the driver didn’t respond to Simon (well it wasn’t shown). I thought they were in a limo! Then I realized it was a regular sized car. And I’m thinking “poor driver”.

Not to take up for Kelly but I think Max started the pillow fight. Max Max. If I were Brad, I would have reacted the same way. He’s amazing and cute. 🙂 Of course I wouldn’t have a chance, I’m below the earth and Kelly is in NYC.

Oh when Kelly said she loved to run in New York, I thought she meant in Central Park – not in the street. The thought of Kelly jogging in central park is probably hilarious to someone.

I love Bethenny!! Visit her official site to get more insight. I’ve only seen the episode once. At least two more viewings to go. Who am I fooling? I will probably watch it 10 times. I’m addicted.

Kelly on dating in NYC
Ramona explains what she means by calling Beth an underdog
Bethenny gives dating and business tips
LuAnn blogs about her new book
Alex on her birthday surprise