second chance

I’m free to type! I am doing what I used to do on NYE – get a hotel room. I’m at the Sheraton and get this I only paid $8.00 for this room. I had a free night from so I used it.

I’ve been obsessing over a lot of things including suicide. I was going to do it Sunday night but I keep thinking about my mom. We had three deaths in the family within a very short period of time recently. I can’t do this now. Basically I’m only living for her and that sucks. :/

The only thing that would save me is money. To be specific: $200,000. Well if I could get the money in 4 months or less, $100k would do. After that my credit will be ruined so I would need more.

How much can a person get for selling their virginity? Oh shut up and do the smart thing: kill yourself. Your life is OVER. Except that and do it. Just do it.

But this, but that. blah, blah, blah.

I have been eating one meal a day. I’m not even hungry. I’m going to lose weight quickly. I hope I don’t get below 100lbs. That would scare me.

I won’t blog about it much more. Just know that it is always on my mind these days. Will I have the courage to do it? If my mom weren’t alive, I’d be dead right now. That I know for sure. I’m so close to doing it. “3 deaths in the family. How would your mom feel?” Wash & repeat.

It sucks.

So that is enough of that. Project Life post coming soon if I can actually post the post. I pick up my photos tomorrow.

It takes $$ to talk to me

…yes my money. I’m paying a human to listen to me. I’m sorta fed up with no one caring about what I have to say.. Yes I am going to counseling! It doesn’t really work for my social issues because I’m not dying to be the life of the party. No I’m not going to talk to a random stranger or smile…But it might work for my depression.

“You’re not thinking of hurting yourself are you.” “No,” I lied. Well does hoping to die = suicidal? There is no way in hell, I’m going to say YES to that question. They’ll put me in a psych ward. Maybe that is the only way to get valium. hmmm. I have never had valium but I bet that would keep me from wanting no one within 20 feet of me. (It’s only a problem @ work). I would be too high to notice. I can dream…

enough dark stuff
I saw this awesome documentary on BBCA. It was called, “I have small breasts” or something like that. I have small breasts too. Size A, bitches! 🙂 And I think they rock. If I had anything bigger, I would be sooo self conscious. I would try to hide them. Anything that lets on that I am a woman (besides skirts) is not for me. I sorta like the idea of being androgynous. Even though I don’t know if I am. I weigh 104 but I’ve been up to 120. I swear it has nothing to do with what I eat. It’s random. I think my ass isn’t flat enough to be androgynous. I don’t have hips…

Growing up Kate Moss was the person I looked up to. Not in a role model way. I wasn’t into celebrities at the time. But her body…hell yes. She looked like me but (except I’m much darker…ha!) AND I WAS OKAY. Who wants big breasts? Okay some people do…I never did.

I hated the way people said Kate caused eating disorders. Um, some of us are that way NATURALLY. I don’t even know how she looks these days.

Back to the Small Breasts documentary. I thought it was going to be lame. I thought all of the women would be shallow peeps who just wanted breasts implants. I was wrong. It was riveting. It did surprise me how far one of the woman went to get bigger breasts. She was my age but with a much higher income. She could afford breasts implants yet she tried alternatives I’d never even heard of. I was actually worried for her health.

Then there was one young single mother who was too scared to leave her house because of her flat chest. I’ve been there over other issues so I could totally relate to her. She wound up doing picture therapy. (google it – it is what it sounds like). Her change after seeing the therapist inspired me. Maybe that’s why I finally made a therapy appointment??

Then there was the young, blond Angelina Jolie look alike (some might say Scarlett Johansson). I wanted to scream at my TV, “YOU ARE SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL”. But I know that doesn’t help.

I had no idea so many young adults were deeply affected by this. I know thousands of women get breasts implants every year…but I dunno. It just never occurred to me…because there are men who find flat chested women attractive. Even I know that and I don’t date! As for the blouse/t-shirt issues, I buy the blouses but just put on something underneath. I know fashion conscious people might not wanna do that. I have my insecurities so I get it in a weird way…