The Charade

I’m not gone yet. I leave tomorrow. I had to post about this article I just read. It is about suicide.

I think we can do something to change one aspect of the story…or maybe not. I know what it is like to feel suicidal. Instagram and blogs have nothing to do with it. I know it is fake but unfortunately younger people don’t quite get it.

Everyone presents an edited version of life on social media. People share moments that reflect an ideal life, an ideal self….

With Instagram, one thing has changed: the amount we consume of one another’s edited lives. Young women growing up on Instagram are spending a significant chunk of each day absorbing others’ filtered images while they walk through their own realities, unfiltered. In a recent survey conducted by the Girl Scouts, nearly 74 percent of girls agreed that other girls tried to make themselves look “cooler than they are” on social networking sites.

I rarely post on instagram but maybe I’m guilty of it too. When I do post, I try to make it seem as if things are all right. I think it’s toxic. Part of the problem is probably the business accounts that can’t show sadness. And then everyone else follows suit. “Everything is great”.

God forbid you complain about something, or say you are swamped, overwhelmed or just plain busy. Blogs are like this too now. You can’t even complain in your own *%$ing blog. LOL. What is going on? It’s the business of the blogs. Everyone thinks they have to be happy because the business blogs are. The business blogs are what most people read these days. Blogs like mine are rare.

Checking Instagram is like opening a magazine to see a fashion advertisement. Except an ad is branded as what it is: a staged image on glossy paper.

Instagram is passed off as real life.

Yes, people filter their photos to make them prettier. People are also often encouraged to put filters on their sadness, to brighten their reality so as not to “drag down” those around them. The myth still exists that happiness is a choice, which perpetuates the notion of depression as weakness.

Life must be Instagrammed — in more ways than one.

It doesn’t have to be that way! Don’t instagram your life. I know many people won’t read my blog because I refuse to put a filter on my life. I think that’s strange. I prefer reality. I crave reality. I can’t stand the fictitious look of it all.

This story is very sad and moving. It isn’t about instagram. She didn’t kill herself over instagram. (but it sure didn’t help her). She was depressed and she felt like she couldn’t express it. Don’t worry about dragging others down. Speak your truth. Don’t always put on a happy face.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

– Bernard M. Baruch

Burn With You

Warning – A little suicide talk. Feel free to skip down to my pathetic exciting knitting photos!

Tuesday night was really bad. I was going to take 150mg of Trazadone to kill myself. But I probably wouldn’t have succeeded. I probably would have just been really sleepy. All I could  think was: if I do this and DON’T succeed then I will possibly have to go to a hospital. And then I might lose my job or not get paid. If I get checked into a psych ward, how am I supposed to pay for that? (even with my job – not feasible)

This is all due to an unexpected $900 bill. I kid you not! AND my dog’s vet bills which are mounting as I type. I lost my appetite. I didn’t eat at all on Wednesday. When I have high anxiety and I’m really depressed, I can’t eat. Now I’m not so suicidal. My mom offered to pay half of the $900 bill even though she was supposed to pay the whole thing! Long story. And I got my federal tax refund on Wednesday. So I can pay a little of my accumulating debt off.

Now my appetite is kind of back. I’m not thinking of suicide….as much.

So…my 24 hour getaway is off. But we are still going to Northern Virginia/DC. I’m leaving and coming back on next Friday. A 5-6 hour getaway? Yes. I doubt I can buy much of anything. But it never hurts to daydream in IKEA, right? And I still have the “free” hotel room. I’m going to use that the weekend of April 19th to just stay somewhere local. I can’t lose a free hotel room just because I have nowhere to go. (Free in quotes because it is worth $75 so I may have to add a little).

Oh, my dog is doing okay. She is not in pain. She has a kidney infection and her liver isn’t in great shape. Btw, she is 16 years and 4 months NOT 17. I’m a bad mom for not knowing that. 😦

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materials, yo!
materials, yo!

Before all of this suicidal money crap, I took up a new hobby: knitting! I can crochet a little. But my mechanics are horrible. So to people who say mechanics aren’t important, I say you are wrong. I crocheted the wrong way for over a decade and now I can’t do it right. I even took a one on one crochet class (with a groupon) and I still struggled. Mechanics are important! I have pretty much given up crochet.

My hands are horrible. ha. It is like I have two left hands. I don’t know why I would even think I could knit. But I do know how to cast on! YAY! I am confused on everything else though. I haven’t had time to practice since I started. I will probably try knitting tonight. Crocheting used to relax me. Knitting is frustrating me. I know it is because it is new to me but still!!! I don’t want to do anything frustrating that I don’t have to do (school, work).

This may not look like much. But I can actually sorta knit now. See:

beginner
beginner

Yes I can cast on. Hopefully I will be able to do more soon. Here is the youtube video that taught me:

Love the video but I still don’t have the mechanics down from watching it.

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Weekly

Music for the week: Lea Michele, Christina Perri, Lorde, A Great Big World, Jennifer Pena, Candice Glover, D’Angelo, Ledisi

This weekend I’m making a mix CD of Lea Michele, A Great Big World and Lorde. Yep, I still make CDs for the car.

TV for the week: basketball, Desperate Housewives

I’m glad the Wizards made it to the NBA playoffs!

Movie of the week:  I might watch 12 Years a Slave or I might save it for next week. I dunno.

Books of the week:  Italy 2013 (Full-color travel guide) by Fodor’s, Hidden by Catherine McKenzie

In Italy news, I don’t think I’m going to Capri anytime soon. Too expensive. I initially borrowed the book because I was interested in going to Ischia. Ischia seems like a nice place but I can’t imagine going all the way to Italy for that. On the other hand it would make an awesome 4 day trip. As silly as it may seem, I have been spoiled by Oaxaca, Mexico. I want to go somewhere with nice handmade items. A beach would be nice too. 😉

I’m losing my grip

I guess I should add a trigger warning to this post. I’m going to mention suicide. Warning! I “blog” about things all the time without warning because 1.) It didn’t occur to me. 2.)I don’t think anyone is really going to read it anyway. It makes me feel a little stupid to assume someone is going to read this but anyways…Oh, I am also turning off comments because I don’t want people to think I’m fishing for comments. I’m not.

December 2012 was the closest I ever came to suicide. I had a method. On the other hand, 6 years ago I had a big ass knife. I was scared to death. WTF was I going to do with the knife? I wanted to slit my wrists but I was too scared. I thought it might be painful. I even wrote a 2 sentence suicide note. Now I know I would do it by pills. I have a lot of pills. I just have to find the right dosage to take. Am I brave enough to do it?

Parents suck. If it weren’t for them, I would probably be dead right now. But nooooo, I don’t want them to go through any pain. I give a shit. Unfortunately. ARGH! Do they even appreciate the shit I go through for them? (slight sarcasm).

I don’t want to deal with the money problems anymore. I’m done. I don’t care. I’d rather be dead. The vet bills are killing me. KILLING ME. I live paycheck to paycheck. This sucks. And no, I don’t want to make more money*. I want the high electric bills to stop, the vet bills to stop, people to stop knocking over my mailbox, and to live in a house I can afford. I had the same job 5 years ago and I was living just fine because I could live below my means.

(*I’m currently focused on school and my current job).

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?? Go knock down Suzy’s mailbox. She probably has $200 or better yet, she probably can fix it herself or has help. Go attack her for once. Geez. Leave me the hell alone!

You know what? They would never attack Suzy because she has it all together. She has the money and/or the help. It’s no fun bothering people like that. One time I had a neighbor who used to let his HUGE dogs out every morning the same time I was leaving for work. The dogs  would come right to me. Once the neighbor saw that I wasn’t scared of his dogs, he stopped doing it. People only bug people who are vulnerable. Sick fucks. I can name several examples just like the above. Never let people know what bothers you. (easier said than done).

I can’t believe the one time, I am living from paycheck to paycheck, my dog gets sick.

I don’t know maybe I’ll try defying gravity or some other BS.

You know what I wanted to do with my tax refund? Buy yoga pants and stock up on shower gels. Then I was going to pay off my debt with the rest. I can’t even do that now.

This isn’t all about money. My job is also kicking my ass. I’m behind despite putting in (non-paid) extra hours. I’m getting up at 5:30AM and staying late, working Saturdays for no extra pay. I know Suzy does that all the time because she’s salaried BUT I’M NOT FUCKING SUZY!

Well, I think that’s everything.

P.S

I have to admit I really love my new mailbox. 🙂  It really belongs to the landlord since I don’t own this house so he’s welcomed.

 

If I have to

I’m only “living” right now because my mom is alive. But sometimes I think this is all too much to do just because of one person. Yeah, she would be devasted.  But I’m not really alive…mostly due to her. That is not the point, at all.

Just saying.

I wish I would die tonight. Death is the ultimate joy. Truth is I resent my mom for a few reasons and not being able to kill myself is one. But I could do it…I’m a coward. But on days like today I think I should really kill myself.

No point in talking about it since I won’t do it. Parents really can fuck you up. haha. My only laugh of the day.

She’s already killed me so why not just really end it? I have a conscious. fuck me. I wish I didn’t care.

Maybe I’ll get into a car accident. Or something…there’s hope, right??????????? Other people are dying when it should be me.

I’m sooooooooooooooooo not fishing for comments. I just had to vent somewhere other than on twitter. I feel guilty when  I tweet a lot. I don’t even know if I have any followers. I used to. I stopped checking about 6 months ago. Okay, wierd ramble.

How incredibly selfish!

Another passage on suicide:

…I told him I was writing a book about suicide, and this, as is not uncommonly the case, seemed to unbell the cat. A short silence followed. Then he said, with the remarkable certainty of someone whose thin understanding of suicide is belied by 30 years of private practice:

I was suicidal once, when I was 18. But I decided I couldn’t commit suicide because it would be so terrible for my family and friends. I certainly couldn’t now. I’m a doctor. Think what it would be like for my patients. How incredibly selfish!

A slight sense of moral superiority hung in the air…Then I reminded his friend that I had tried years earlier to kill myself, and nearly died in the attempt, but did not consider it either a selfish or non-selfish thing to have done. It was simply the end of what I could bear, the last afternoon of having to imagine waking up the next morning only to start all over again.

It was the final outcome of a bad disease, a disease I would never get the better. No amount of love from or for other people – and there was a lot – could help…There wasn’t much of me left anymore, anyway, and I thought my death would free up the wasted energies and well-meant efforts that were being wasted on my behalf.

from Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison

I’ve finished the book. I highly recommend it to inquisitive folks. I learned a lot about the history of suicide. Regarding the passage above, if my mom committed suicide I would think “How could she do this TO ME?” (among others things of course) I would go through that stage but I think understanding the depth of suicide helps with realizing that it has nothing to do with me/anyone else.

The main thing that bothers me after reading this book is how ambivalent doctors can be. That’s disturbing…They are supposed to help.
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Today was a loooooooong day. I may blog about it one day.

Psychiatric hospitalization

Psychiatric hospitalization is generally both frightening and reassuring to suicidal patients. It continues to carry a heavy stigma and to create personal, economic, and professional difficulties for many individuals. And as we have seen, it does not prevent all suicides…Hospitalization is too often seen by both patients and their doctors as a symbolic defeat or as the treatment of last resort, rather than as an occasional necessity for a serious problem. These beliefs, which tend not to accompany decisions to hospitalize people who have other medical conditions, are pervasive and dangerous, and they stand in the way of good clinical care.

William Stryon, who described his hospitalization for suicidal depression as a ‘way station, a purgatory’ strongly regretted his doctor’s reluctance to admit him to a psychiatric ward:

Many psychiatrists, who simply don’t seem to be able to comprehend the nature and depth of the anguish their patients are undergoing, maintain their stubborn allegiance to pharmaceuticals in the belief that eventually the pills will kick in, the patient will respond, and the somber surroundings of the hospital will be avoided.

From Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison
I’ve found a lot of quotes/passages in this book that I’ve wanted to blog about but I thought I would post this since it is on topic with my most recent posts. I can’t afford a hospital stay. How low can one go? Personal, economic and professional difficulties??? Uh….But if I could get a guarantee of normality by going to a hospital, I’d do it in a second. I know through just my life experiences that guarantees are a joke. Nothing is really guaranteed. I do find it disturbing that Styron doesn’t think doctors know the depth of their patients pain. WHAT? Isn’t that what they deal with all day? Hmmm. I know when I’m feeling suicidal (or anything), I’m not good at articulating it. I can write about it. But if you ask me, I’m “fine”.

And most people know that if you talk too much about suicide, that is a guaranteed hospital stay. I’ve lied to counselors and doctors about wanting to kill myself. I didn’t want to be hospitalized.

I have the utmost respect for people living with schizophrenia and manic depression. I don’t know if I could survive that. To get up every day – especially for the people who are extremely aware – and just getting through the day…I cannot imagine that. Fight on! You are strong.

(Perhaps the above paragraph is worded incorrectly but I’m out of it and hope what I mean comes across).

Perhaps I shouldn’t be reading this book now. Kay Redfield Jamison’s other book: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness literally changed my life. I can’t say that about many books. I made a semi major decision based on her book. I don’t want to divulge what decision that was at this time.
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My computer “broke” yesterday. I was my own geek squad and manage to fix it myself!! I’m so thankful for that. *Whew* Crisis averted. Microsoft = 😦 One day I may get a Mac desktop but I’m not an apple fan due to my iPod experience. I returned that thing within a week of getting it. But maybe if I got a Mac and a iPod, I could be living happily in Apple world. Maybe I should find out exactly what a iPad does. But if I can’t do dial up with it, then it is pointless. LOL.

What I did on Black Friday:

Worked.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I know people would be like “You should be happy to be able to make extra money” blah blah. But money has never motivated me. Even if I was normal, I would not be making anywhere near 6 figures because my goals are not aligned with money. Anyhow, I’m glad I worked. I somehow managed to get a lot of sleep on Thanksgiving. I did not eat turkey, btw. I don’t get the turkey thing at all. Why do people eat it only 1 day a year if it sooooo good? That doesn’t make sense to me but then again most stuff doesn’t.

Stop the tangent.

Yes, I’m talking to myself. I manage to not buy anything but I’m thinking of getting some gloves from Amazon. They are on sale, a nice brand, lined etc. I do need gloves.

Who cares? I’m working tomorrow too but not for 6 long hours. heh. I’m paying my tuition on Tuesday after work. Some with cash and some with a (temporary) 0% interest check. That is why I’m doing OT. All of my money is going to the tuition and books.

No matter how much sleep I get I’m always so tired.

walking the dog

I’m so angry. I can’t even begin to guess what is reason #1. Is it that while others (re: my coworkers) or wondering what to have for dinner, I’m contemplating quitting my job or suicide. They go hand in hand. Sorta. If I quit my job, I may as well kill myself. If I kill myself = jackpot! Obviously it should be suicide but I’ve tried in the past and it didn’t work so why will it work NOW? Am I angry enough? Last time I was just sad/depressed. Maybe one needs to be angry to commit suicide.

I started a book on the history of suicide and how to prevent it etc. Sorry, I don’t believe in suicide prevention. Well I guess some people can be talked out of it. People with faith. There goes that word again! People with friends and family support. What people don’t get about suicide is that the person BELIEVES* that the world is better off without them. That includes spouses, kids, etc.

*Beliefs are everything…unfortunately.

So I’m not going to kill myself today or probably this year. That reality sucks. I want suicide to always be an option. There is freedom in that. Freedom in knowing that at anytime I could end THIS.
I should be writing this in my paper journal. Maybe it’s lack of sleep. I’m pretty sure it’s not PMS (but then again I’m not really keeping track of it). Maybe it is I’M SICK OF PEOPLE ALWAYS PUTTING ALL THEIR ISSUES ON ME.

Dude, do you act like an adult?? We have to start there first. LOL. Yes, I’m uptight. There are certain things (mostly types of annoying noise) that I cannot tolerate. I guess I should be put on Valium or something so I won’t be able to hear the noise. OR MAYBE YOU COULD STOP POPPING YOUR GUM OR YOUR INK PEN OR YOUR SODA BOTTLE (?). You know act like an adult???? Why is it ALL on me? “Oh she is uptight, a control freak etc.” When it comes to noise…hell yes!

If you think this is nuts, you should see me during PMS. Don’t even look at me. Make noise and I will excuse myself.

Today I went to pick up a prescription – no not Valium – and it wasn’t ready. I told them to have it ready at 3PM and it was 3:50. Normally this wouldn’t upset me but:

1. I had a “I hate people” day. (This occurs on most days but when I’m around new groups of people it is even worse. IS EVERYONE THIS ANNOYING? Maybe that is why I don’t like humans?? Lol)

2. Several roads were closed/being worked on. I’m not joking. I had to do a lot and knocked over a cone to get to the pharmacy. (I will never forgive Obama for this. I can hold a grudge – shocking!)

3. It was one of the rare times I went through the drive-thru. He said “Do you want to wait?” Wait, where in the drive-thru?? After all this I did not want to park and go in. But I know I would need some drugs tonight after the day I had. (I skip sometimes…when humans aren’t around – ha). I could have done that in the first place.

Most of all I’m mad at myself for being mad at the pharmacy. After I said I would wait I said, “I said 3 PM!”.
The people inside the pharmacy didn’t seem to hear. I’m hoping he had the mike turned off because I said it as I was driving off. Regardless, it didn’t need to be said. I didn’t have to have a reaction but I did.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Oh well. My paper journal will feel loved tonight. Egg rolls for dinner.
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PS

I never thought I would be on the side of the damn Nader voters (I don’t know what to call them today) but that is what happened yesterday. And the democrats deserve it. But it’s just the House and didn’t this happen to Bush and Clinton during their last terms. Isn’t this normal??

I don’t dislike Obama and most of his policies. In fact as of today I have no problem with him being Prez in 2012 (so not happening but I’d vote for him). I just wish he hadn’t fucked up so much by trying to do so much at once. Yes you can do health care reform…but not if you wanna win again. He is just too intelligent. With intelligence comes arrogance (generalization). Oh well I still think in history he will be treated as the president who did the most and didn’t give a damn.

Unfortunately Mr. President by not giving a damn, you hurt the liberals feelings. LOL. (I can say this because I’m liberal/progressive). I’m still confused on the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” thing.

Btw, the prez is an INFP. I could not possibly hate him. 🙂 He is a thinker. He analyzes too much. He doesn’t talk just to talk which is bad in this crazy culture. He is a dreamer. There is a spot for him but maybe not in the bad economic/war time

Chris Matthews was outta control last night. I had MSNBC on all night (I have to sleep with the TV on). I thought it would be easy to sleep to “Another republican wins!” Blah, blah, blah, But Chris Matthews kept making me laugh out loud. Ugh, Chris I was trying to sleep.

I wonder why I’m tired…Oh, the point of this was supposed to be that the democrats voters/public deserve this for not voting for Howard Dean. I will say this until I die. You had your chance.

the real heroes

I’ll be posting my Real Housewives of NYC blog later. Loved it! 🙂
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More serious and important topic. Oprah did the best show on bullying today. Unfortunately she had parents of deceased kids on. I wish they weren’t there because that means they lost their kids. They killed themselves. Tragic. There was one father who now speaks to kids about how his son hung himself five years ago. How brave…and necessary. I really feel like this can help. They are heroes for speaking up.

When “we” talk about it, it’s whining. So it’s best to shut up, right???? 😦

People shouldn’t be dying over this crap. Kids shouldn’t be depressed and killing themselves. WE ARE FAILING OUR KIDS! It’s not the government. It’s not the school. IT IS US – we are responsible. The school will never be able to police bullying/teasing.

Another important part of the show was showing a 13 year old go through therapy. It probably seems like obvious advice to a person who wasn’t/isn’t severely bullied. However, it actually opened my eyes! I don’t know if the advice will help a shy person. A shy person will have a harder time setting boundaries and saying, “NO.”

I hope these kids can get a good therapist to help them not feel like victims. They don’t have to be abused.
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On a lighter note:

I temporarily have azaleas in my house:

not mine!
not mine!

I’m giving them to my mom for mother’s day. I should have brought a pot for them because both will need to be re-potted. But I brought her a lot of stuff so…ha. I only do container gardening. Damn I just found out that azaleas are poisonous to cats. Oops. My cat already ate (played with) the flowers. What is NOT poisonous? I will put a bag over them. I hope they still have blooms by Sunday.

I don’t see hibiscus on the list. YAY! I’m redoing my porch. And I found a hibiscus tree that I must have. It didn’t have a price on it…I might have to splurge. I love gardening! Pictures soon. Last year I went really out. This year I just want one rose bush and the hibiscus tree. My rose bush outside (yes in a container) is starting to bloom. 🙂

when will this stop?

My bullied son’s last day on Earth

Trying desperately to understand what went wrong, Bermudez asked her son’s best friend to recount what happened on the day Jaheem killed himself.

“He [said he was] tired of complaining, tired of these guys messing with him,” Bermudez said, recalling the conversation with Jaheem’s best friend. “Tired of talking, I think to his teachers, counselors and nobody is doing anything — and the best way out is death.”

Allegations of such severe bullying surprises experts familiar with the school district. It’s anti-bullying program was considered exemplary and includes programs to raise awareness and a specially trained liaison. Students are even asked to sign a no-bullying pledge. But other parents told CNN they have complained about bullying as well.

Despite recent strides towards preventing bullying in schools and increased awareness programs, a Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network study showed that 65 percent of teens are bullied each year and most believe adults can’t help them.

Less than a month before Jaheem’s death, a boy in Massachusetts killed himself after being bullied, harassed and called “gay.”

A Parent’s Worst Nightmare: The Real Story Behind Carl Walker-Hoover’s Suicide

Sirdeaner Walker, 44, is ferociously protective of her four children. So when her 11-year-old son Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover complained to her last September of being bullied by students at the New Leadership Charter School in Springfield, Massachusetts, for “acting gay,” she did something about it. She spoke to his principal, teachers and guidance counselor and became more active in the Parent Teachers Organization. But the teasing and threats continued and Carl started acting out in school, becoming increasingly fearful and felt even more alienated.

On Monday, April 6, everyone learned just how serious the situation had become. Walker found her little boy with an extension cord wrapped around his neck, hanging from the third floor rafter of their home. Peter J. Daboul, chairman of the Board for New Leadership Charter School, released a statement shortly after Carl’s death saying, “I plan to initiate an investigation into the facts and the allegations to ensure that the school responded in an appropriate manner.” School officials did not respond to our calls for comment, but the school has sponsored a carnation drive and a walk in Carl’s honor.