I tend to shut people out

OMG. People are still defending Bill Cosby! I’m looking at Whoopi Goldberg – a person I like.  For the record, I have never liked Cosby and I’ve always thought he was a jerk. Okay, maybe I did watch the Cosby Show growing up but ever since the late 90s, I’ve disliked him. So when all this came out, no surprise to me. I hope he has stopped raping women.

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It’s funny how people judge success. What is it? 2.5 kids, home ownership, a significant other and exceptional grammar? That is not my definition of success. Obvs. Success to me is living the life you want. Whatever that may be. Considering my life and my abilities,  I’m successful. I don’t know how to say this without sounding like I’m putting people with extreme social anxiety down. I’m not looking down on them OR thinking they could simply do better if they had motivation. I’m not one of those people…I never thought I would be able to get a job. Ever. I think my fear of that has motivated me in spite of my disabilities.

With my social anxiety and panic attacks, I should be homeless. So anything above that is a win. I’m not trying to be funny. All the doctors I’ve seen say I have the most severe case of social anxiety they’ve seen. I see everything I have as a blessing. I don’t compare myself to Susie because Susie doesn’t have SA so why would I compare my accomplishments to hers? That doesn’t make sense. Susie may look down on me. Whatevs. That has nothing to do with me. That’s all on him or her.

Don’t get me wrong. There have been times when I compared myself to the Susies of the world. But then I realize what they have and what I have. The comparisons need to stop. It’s pointless.

Well this is the only me that I know how to be
Sorry if that don’t fit your reality
I’m giving one hundred percent of me
So take it or leave
Whether you’re in or out
This is what I’m about

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I got my Tori Kelly CD in the mail. I ordered it on Sunday and received it Monday. Awesome. 🙂  I want to share some of her music. So here goes:

This is an oldie…from 2013. 😉 Tori Kelly – Dear No one

This is her current single: Should’ve Been Us

One of my  favorite live versions of Nobody Love

Tori @ The House of Blues in Anaheim:

I’ll stop now. I hope to see her on tour in the fall. ??? A girl can dream.

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Now I have to go post another eBay auction.

Success

Well, I’m always so reluctant to give advice because the single most important thing about success is that everybody’s pathway is so different. I hate the idea that everybody has to march in line for that one thing… that there is only one way to get there. It feels inauthentic. If I had to give one piece of advice, it’s that you have to be really comfortable with failing. Because the only possibility of reaching whatever success means for you, will require taking risks. Sometimes those risks are going to pay off and be great, and other times they are going to be really spectacularly painful, and sometimes public failures. And also sometimes, you’ll have to deal with lots of criticism from people that you care about. It can be hard to take those really, really tough hits. You can’t always take it as, ‘oh, they’re just haters and I don’t even care’, you have to actually take them and listen to them. ‘Cause sometimes, even when somebody is hating, they’re right. It’s completely plausible that they’re hating and 50% of what they’re saying is absolutely accurate. So you have to learn to be comfortable with your own imperfections and try to figure out how to take the useful criticisms even out of the things that seem like they’re hateful.

Melissa Harris Perry

the great indoors

I’m selling tomorrow. If it doesn’t go well, I won’t die. Spiritually. I probably will be bored enough to live tweet. I hope to get their @ 5:30am. People won’t show up until 8. lol. No more than 5 tweets during the sale. Check the sidebar. (Btw, I don’t read my replies. I text from my phone. And the purpose is to simply add to this blog. I checked once and never will again. If I read my @’s I will probably stop tweeting. See my logic: Don’t let people take something away from you by not acknowledging it).

Saturday is supposed to be my internet free day. I need to do it twice a week. It is only difficult when I’m selling on ebay. People have asked questions and I’ve taken more than a day to answer. Since I’m selling in person, I’m taking a break from ebay. Sometimes I wonder if my infrequent selling on ebay affects any possible success. In the past year I’ve only been selling in one category and have gotten descriptive, great feedback. I could probably make more money.

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I’m really trying to get over the anger. I’m not always angry as I am perceived to be. I just don’t want it to be conditional. I hate spitefulness. Hate it. I don’t want to hate anything.

Sigh. No deep thoughts tonight. Too tired. I’ll do it in my paper journal tomorrow.

It’s just that I know I’m very blessed and lucky to have this job. I do know (sorta) that the universe looked out for me. Just this time. 🙂 Without the universe, I’d be living at home with my mom. More pissed. More depressed.

I know people with a less severe social anxiety then me and they don’t have jobs. They live with their parents and have never left. (I attribute this to them being more depressed and maybe a touch agoraphobic). I was going to “succeed” despite of my social anxiety. To the average American, my life is far from a success if you judge it by how much money you make, where you live, having 2.5 kids, the white picket fence, & the significant other. Oh and the car, the vacations (not even a time share *gasp*) etc.

But I was never driven by money. I have an inner drive…or I used to. It isn’t there now. The denials/rejections tore me down. I have always been sensitive to that. I just wanted a job and a place to live. I should have dreamed bigger with the place to live. At the time I was desperate and I’m still paying for that. As far as a job, not being a friendly outspoken person I can’t be picky. So…it is what it is. I don’t hate my work. I like it. If it weren’t for fear of making mistakes I could love my actual job. NOT the office situation. That is another catergory.

It isn’t about them. It is people in general. I guess I do want more in a job. A job where I can work at home would be awesome. What I do is done at home probably 30% of the time so there is hope. I do dream of that.

I still have dreams and desires. Some won’t come to fruition due to my fear of people. I’ve given up on those.

Universe, thank you so much for this job. Help me *feel* grateful at work. I am very humble about my job. Universe, help me *show* it.