I will be found

I’m now 120 pounds. I no longer have jeans that fit. My comfortable weight is 135. I’ve lost 16 pounds since July and only my therapist seems to give a damn.

I made an appointment with my GI doctor. I hope it’s not a waste of time or money. I have to write down all my concerns. I will forget otherwise. WTF is wrong with me? The medicine seems to have almost stopped working. I’m still taking it for now.

If my GI doctor is a worthless piece of shit, I’m going back to the other shithead – my PCP. She’s always late and she’s not going to do anything.

What am I supposed to do? Get down to 100 pounds and then what? Go to the ER? In a pandemic. I’ll pass. I think I’ll just die at home. Slow, painful death. Whatever it takes.

Some of this could be due to stress. These past two weeks have been EXTREMELY stressful. Most of it is due to my job. My freelance customers are getting on my nerves too. But I’m indebted to some of them. I have seven clients. (!!) I emailed one and told her not to give me any work until after December 21, so I have one less person to worry about.

I was thinking about taking an FMLA leave from work, but that is nonpaid and fuck it, I can’t afford that! Thanks to fucking Sears. Assholes. And Joe Biden for making it harder to file for bankruptcy. How can anyone support a person who sides with corporations?

Why am I so stressed out? Because my job is stressful and I’m working all the time. I have to. I can’t even “get another job” because I had to borrow from my 401K to pay bills about two years ago. If I quit, I owe that money back immediately.

So that’s that. I took Thanksgiving day off. It was awesome. Unfortunately, I starting feeling sick and stressed out almost immediately after.

I’m thinking about taking Sundays off from working. If I were healthy, I wouldn’t be doing this, but I feel like I have to take one day off a week. What if I’m suffering from burnout? Taking a day off may be helpful. Fuck it.

Sorry for the outburst. I’m stressed out. I’m not as stressed as I was on Wednesday. On Tuesday, I was sick, so I couldn’t work on my freelance stuff. Then Wednesday at work was extremely stressful.

Stress. Anxiety. Depression. This is where I am, but I have to work. No one is going to save me. I don’t have anyone. Health care is tied to employment, which is the worst thing about America. And no one is trying to change that. Well, no one in power is. I just tweeted that I can’t believe I voted for any of these assholes in Congress. They are worthless pieces of shit.

Random: I got the semi-famous client. MORE WORK FOR ME. Yay? I can feel the stress eating up my stomach.

Current events: Oh, god. Biden’s cabinet is horrid. I just can’t. I don’t want diversity in terms of gender and race. I like the diversity of thought. Do you think I care if it’s all white men if they do the right thing? I don’t care. Just do something. CHANGE something. For fucks sake. But Biden is who I thought he was. Nothing has changed. He is…Biden.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, John Mayer, Taylor Swift, Mariah Carey, Sam Smith, Selena Gomez, Rachel Platten

TV of the week: Dexter

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, True Crime Garage, Missing Maura Murray

Books of the week:

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love by Susan Jeffers

Mindhunter: Inside the FBI’s Serial Crime Unit by John Douglas (Good, but the cases start running together. It’s a long book. Still recommend.)

Weekend Plans: I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow. I haven’t been to the store in a month. Since I can’t eat much, it’s hard doing a grocery list. But I have one. Then I’m working the rest of the day. Hopefully, on Sunday I can take the whole day off.

Thanks for reading my rants. Have a nice weekend/week. 🙂

We Just Play Pretend

Kind of busier than ever, but kind of not. I’m working extra hours (for free) at my full-time job, so I won’t get laid off very soon. Sigh. Maybe I should just focus on my full-time job? I have one virtual assistant client. BUT I want to learn more and work for others. I want to volunteer my services in exchange for a testimonial.

But I’m kind of stressed at the moment. At this point, I have NO TIME OFF IN APRIL. I will ask for at least one day off in April. My job is extremely stressful right now. I have a week off for my birthday in May. More about my plans for my bday later. Anyway, I’m not sure if I should volunteer to do work. I’m going to pull some tarot cards around it.

I’ve been using tarot now more than ever for work decisions, and so far the cards have always been right.

So basically, I’m stressed from work. I need my full-time job. And I also want virtual assistant skills. Since this climate is bad (the economy), I think it would be easy to find people that want free services, so I will probably do that.

I missed out on a PAID virtual assistant gig because I was working last night at my full-time job. Sigh. I didn’t check my email for four hours, and she needed help QUICK. Btw, I hate when people don’t plan and then they figure out they need a virtual assistant. I work full-time. I can’t just do whatever you want because you didn’t plan. UGH. Anyway, that sucks.

Oh, I’m now officially a travel agent! LOL. Perfect timing, right? More on that later. I can do travel and be a VA. No office required. I just need the internet.

As of right now, I’m going to a cabin for my birthday if they don’t shut the park down. My mom is paying half and I’m paying half. I don’t have my half, so we haven’t booked yet. I would love to get away, and my dog can come! They might close the park because they don’t want to pay the housekeepers or because they see the park as a hazard.

If the cabins get closed, I’m probably not doing anything for my birthday. Before I saw there were cabin vacancies, I had planned to go to the sauna and to a yoga class. Well, I know the yoga studio is closed. I got an email from the sauna, but I didn’t read it. I’m hoping they aren’t closed. That would be more jobs lost and no one needs that!

Even the libraries are closed, but they are allowing people to renew their cards or get new cards by phone.  I have 3 library cards. Two are active. I would have to drive 30 minutes to get the other card renewed. Now I can do it by just calling. Thank g-d. I would prefer to do it online, but whatever. I’m calling them next week.

It’s weird to see people complaining about not going anywhere. I never go anywhere, so not much has changed in my life. I don’t have friends, so I don’t feel isolated. Basically, nothing has changed for me. Well, I do use more hand sanitizer these days.

Welcome to my life. 

Election 2020: Biden has won the nom (pretty much), but where is he? I’m listening to Bernie give online townhalls and Joe is doing nothing in the public. Personally, I don’t need to hear from him, but I think some Democrats might want to hear someone other than Trump.

All the people that said the November election might be postponed are probably right. How did they know? The coronavirus was nowhere when people were saying this. Trump isn’t ever leaving. ::cries::

No election or election. Trump is probably going to have another four years. I’ve accepted that. So whatever.

This week I…

Music of the week: Rachel Platten, Ariana Grande, Carly Rae Jepsen, Taylor Swift, Maggie Rogers, Tori Kelly, Coldplay, Emily James

TV of the week:  Survivor, The Crown

I have stopped watching the news. What’s the point? The numbers they are giving out on the coronavirus are inaccurate because people aren’t getting tested. Besides 70% of people are going to get the virus. I don’t see the point of the news at this point.

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, Pod Save America, So You Wanna Be a Witch, The Dating Game Killer, Have you Seen This Man?, Unsolved Murders

Books of the week:

Weekend Plans: Working. Grocery store. Walmart has food where I live. I’m going to work on learning more virtual assistant stuff tonight. I might work on my travel site for fun. No one is traveling right now, so I’m just learning more about the industry. My dad is overseas. I think he plans to come back to the US in May. I think it’s safer for him to stay where he is. They don’t have many cases of the virus.

Thanks for reading my ramble. Have a great weekend!

I walked off an old me

UPDATE: STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESS! Marianne Willaimson is thinking about running for president! AHH. I met her and have a personalized autograph from her. No big deal. Fuck, yeah. I still like Beto.

First, I’m SO glad Amazon didn’t come here. They are going to be about an hour and a half away. Some people think the people in Northern VA are going to move down here*. I didn’t think of that. Oh well. The major drawback from them moving here is traffic. That is why I don’t visit them as often as I would – traffic!

*The ones without the fancy Amazon jobs.

Anyway, I’m glad Amazon isn’t here because it would drive up rent (and other things) and a lot of people here would HAVE TO move. They would be forced out. I would move to the rural part of the state. That is where I’m planning to live in about four years anyway. But other people don’t want to move, and I don’t think it’s right for a huge company to force them out.  Let Crystal City or National Landing deal with that shit. Some of them are elitist anyhow. LOL.

Um, yay for the people getting the excellent Amazon jobs. Not saying I’m not thinking about looking at their job openings. But my car is over ten years old, so I can’t get there quickly. I would have to move there. No, thank you.

In semi-good news, I lost 6 pounds!! It is an anxiety diet. Not a stress diet. I can eat when I’m just stressed, but not stressed AND nervous. I can’t eat a thing when I’m nervous. That’s pretty common, right? Since I’ve moved, I have not eaten a regular day of meals. I’m so anxious while living here…ugh. I would feel way worse about this if I couldn’t stand to lose 20 pounds. If I were 110 pounds, I would be worried.

And my dad is moving in for about 2-3 months, in less than 10 days. I kid you not. This can’t get any worse. If it gets worse, I’m going to request to go back to working in the office. I have to put my work first. I don’t care that I’m not eating. I care about my work!

My mom is no longer working for now, so she’s home ALL DAY. I work from home, so I’m home all day. She’s loud. Loud noises make me nervous. Hence, why I can’t eat. However, she will be working part-time soon. 20 hours a week. Unfortunately, she probably won’t start until mid-December. I have to get better at work ASAP.

I’m also using my mom’s treadmill every other day. So, not eating due to nervousness and doing a little working out = maybe weight loss? I’ll see

Anyway…I really think Marianne William is running for Prez! I keep checking my email. The announcement was supposed to happen today. Hmmm. I am so going on Instagram and posting a pic of her and me with a caption of saying me with the future president. 🙂

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8 most listened to): Pistol Annies, Maggie Rogers, Ariana Grande, Robyn, Chris Stapleton, Britney Spears, Fifth Harmony, Cardi B

TV of the week:  Nashville, Making a Murderer

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week: All in With Chris Hayes, True Crime Garage, Pod Save America, Why is This Happening?, The Lowe Post

Pod Save America is my new favorite podcast.

Books of the week: Now reading –

Plans for the Weekend: Cleaning up the old house. And I plan on driving to the landfill to dump some of my stuff off so I won’t have to pay a ton to the junk removers. I can’t move the sofas to the landfill on my own. I’m also going grocery shopping which will be interesting since I’m not eating. Should I use this opportunity to not buy much food and save money? Since I haven’t eaten much this week, I have some food for next week.

I’m finally getting back to doing tarot readings. I have one to do this weekend, but I didn’t understand her question. Sigh. I hope she responds back because it is a career question and I LOVE doing career readings, but the way she worded it was strange. Sometimes I’m too shy to ask for clarification, but I want to do a good job so I had to question her.

Thanks so much for reading. Have an excellent weekend! 🙂

 

 

 

Performance Art

Forget everything below. I apologize in advance for all the exclamation marks in this entry. OMFG. I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!! D’angelo is coming to the Commonwealth with Mary J. Blige and guess who is going???? MOI. I don’t give a crap what it costs. I have already seen Mary J in concert. I have never seen D’angelo. Can you believe it? How crazy am I? It is on a freakin’ Saturday!!!!!!!!! Fuck yeah. (Seriously I hope I get to go. Tickets go on sell Monday).

Back to what I had originally planned to post:

I have updated my lame music is my life page with all the musicians I have seen in concert.

Indeed I made an “A” on my midterm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so shocked. It took me 1 hour and 25 minutes to take. I was feeling sick (the norm these days) but somehow I pulled through. 🙂 🙂

I woke up almost every hour last night gasping because I thought I had missed the Supreme Court healthcare decision. I missed the live announcement. I was getting my oil changed at the time the decision was announced. So I had no idea what decision was made. I wanted to ask random people. I was hoping people might honk or um, something. But nothing. Nada.  Eventually I found out. I have no comment on the decision. I was just dying to find out. 😉 I’ m having fun watching all the news coverage. This will be an all news day for me today. That isn’t that much different than most days…

I have been in the worst mood all week. This is my week off from work. It should be a happy time. I think my first smile was when I found out what I made on my mid-term. STRESS FEST.  My realtor isn’t talking to me. Maybe she is waiting for me to call her? I don’t know. I do know that she isn’t making much off my house so why should she care, right? blah. I haven’t heard back from the bank regarding the possible short sell. and blah, blah, blah.

How about some pictures? I made time to go to the park on Tuesday. I was feeling really nonsocial so I hid most of the time. I climbed up this ‘unclimbable’ hill just so I could be away from people. The kids spotted me easily. “Look there is a lady hiding in the woods!” The parents did not believe the kids. LOL. The dad said, “She is probably sleeping”. Um, I was reading on my Kindle….not sleeping. He clearly didn’t see me. The kids were really excited by my climb. I don’t know if the adults ever saw me. I was too embarrassed to make eye contact.

Pic from my hiding spot in the woods:

hide don’t seek

random park pic

I’m supposed to go to yoga today. I don’t know if I’m going. Not feeling great. I shouldn’t have coffee. I stopped drinking it for the most part. I only drink it once a week or so (due to it being a cause of nausea). I never make it myself anymore. I only grab some if I’m out and about. I need to stop completely.

Pet update:

My dog, betta fish and dwarf frogs are doing fine. I’m so glad my frogs enjoy their new bigger home. I put a shot glass in there. 🙂 They love to hide in there. They really are social animals. At first one would hide under the bridge while the other would hide in the glass but these days they hang out together in their shot glass. The only downside is that I don’t see them as much because they are almost always hiding.

Anywhere I Lay My Head

Just because I work at home doesn’t mean…….

  • all my problems disappear
  • I don’t get PMS
  • work doesn’t stress me out
  • work is easy/fun
  • I want to “go” to work each day
  • I’ll be joyful (haha)

Etc. I think one person in particular doesn’t get it. She has a hard time getting things she doesn’t relate to. Her job is different. She has next to zero accountability. I would love a job like that since my job is the exact opposite. Sometimes I feel like I’m a doctor, because every mistake could blow up in my face. We have to be accountable for every. single. thing.

That causes STRESS. Working at home does not cure that. This morning was a total stress fest but by afternoon things calmed down a bit. I was productive today but I wanted to scream. It was just one of those days. It starts out well and then all shit hits the fan.

And then Avon….OMG. I have to erase my phone # off of everything. I don’t have time for this. I feel bad because someone ordered and I can’t get in contact with her. She wrote her email address sloppily. Even though I HATE calling people, I called her to get her email address. Guess what? It still didn’t go through. FUCK. I don’t care.

I’m done with new potential customers. This is my fault. I guess I really do need to take down almost everything (one thing I can’t take down) related to me and Avon. If people would email me, there would not be as much of a problem. But of course they call even though they have my email address. Sigh. Normal people. 😉 EMAIL. EMAIL. EMAIL.

Yes I’m stressed out over all this. Now someone who is related to one of my customers isn’t getting her order. Ugh, how am I going to get out of this?

Right now I don’t care much about Toastmasters. You know asking me to do public speaking is like asking me to do job interviews. That may be a bad analogy. My point is, it is easy for me to do scary FUN stuff. But public speaking? I have no interest in it. It sounds like torture. Torture myself during my free time???

Just because I went to yoga classes doesn’t mean it was easy for me, it was something I wanted to do at that time. Of all people, I would think a counselor would understand this. Fun scary things are easier to do then something I have zero interest in.

Should I have to explain that? See, this is my problem. I have no patience for what I think people ought to know.

Need to get ready for bed.