Waiting to become alive

Marianne Williamson is coming here! I don’t have to travel to see her. YAY. I was thinking about going to see her in New York. I do want to do that one day. Anway, she’s coming on January 6. I don’t know if it is a free event. I’m so excited to see her. She announced during her talk in NYC she was coming here, and I was shocked. I watch her on live stream every week, but I’ve never heard her speak live. I don’t even know the subject. “Details are coming soon” is all the website says.

Whatever the topic is, I’m committed. She will either talk about spirituality or politics. I adore her even though I don’t agree with everything she says.

I still don’t know whether I’m going to privately train my dog. I want to on days when we see dogs at the park. But it’s really complicated, and I don’t feel like getting into it now. Sigh. Can I really afford $200 for training? Is it worth it? Do I have to? *whine* I think I will make a decision by Monday.

UPDATE: I just found out I’m getting a bonus next week! I’m not sure I want to use the bonus on dog training, though. But at least I have it.

I think I sounded way too happy about my part-time project being over. In fact, I know I went over the top. I do need the money, but that project was so exhausting. I hope the Universe doesn’t think I don’t want any more work. I DO. I WANT MORE WORK. I just needed a break. I wanted to work on my class, and that is what I’ve been doing.

Recently I’ve been feeling spiritually lost. A lot of little shit has been going on. There are people doing work in the neighborhood. I know they are doing good things, but it has been a couple of weeks now. I have this hardcore rule that my home is my sanctuary, and I should feel comfortable here. They are always outside (in my yard or down the road). If I didn’t have a dog, they would never see me. I would just wait until the workers leave and then go get my mail or do whatever.

And this morning, I find out that my medicine has been lost in the mail. 😦 Why do I have so much mail trouble? This isn’t the first time I’ve had mail lost at this address. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying not to freak out. I don’t care about one of the medications (except that I paid $10 for it) but the other med, I need.

2nd UPDATE: My medicine has been found. I have it!!! I don’t know if it was delivered to the wrong address or what. I believe in miracles!!!!1111!!!11

I will probably blog more about the spiritual emptiness I sort of feel next week. I have been trying to listen to more Gabrielle Berstein. I’ve been meditating every morning. I do A Course in Miracles on most days. Sigh. I don’t know what to do.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8): Sam Smith, Kelsea Ballerini, Pink, Chris Stapleton, Kelly Clarkson, Demi Lovato, Cheyenne Kimball, The Wreckers

TV of the week: basketball, news, Vanderpump Rules

Movie of the week: None

Podcasts of the week: Accused, True Crime Garage, Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations

Books of the week: I finished reading Behold the Dreamers: A Novel by Imbolo Mbue. I’m glad I gave this book a second chance. I almost didn’t read it once I found out it was about an African family coming to America. I hope that doesn’t make me sound racist (lol), but I have read a few books in this ‘genre’ because I thought I would love them, but I don’t. Anyway, this book was good. 4 stars.

Now focusing on reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Get to Work Book (updated in my next entry)

Plans for the Weekend: Study, study, study!!! I know I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. I’m in the hard part of the course. I have so much to learn. I like learning new stuff. No, I LOVE learning. Love it. I would be a perpetual student if I could afford it. But I feel the pressure because I have to take a fill in the blank (!!!) exam in September 2018. I have to know this stuff! No multiple choice. Scary!

The only place I have to go this weekend is to my mom’s to pick up a package. With all the mail trouble I’m having, I’m either considering getting a PO Box or delivering ALL packages (including my medicine) to my mom’s house. I’m leaning towards a PO Box since the post office is much closer to my house than my mom’s house. I just hope the companies I order from most except PO Box addresses.

Gotta go. Thanks so much for reading! Have a great weekend. Stay warm. 🙂 It’s going to be cold here on Saturday.

The Quiet

Well, I do have a little bit of good news. Update to my previous entry: I’m not bleeding anymore! 🙂 Of course, this could all be temporary. But I’ll take it for now.

In other news, the silence is deafening. No word on the full-time job. No more word on the part-time job. I know work will come with the PT job. I just have to be patient. The supervisor said the work would start last week or this week. It’s not just about patience. I’m worried that I’m going to be left out. I don’t have a lot of confidence when it comes to the PT job.

Like I said, I don’t expect an offer with the FT job, but can I at least get an email? A denial email? Anything? I can’t take the silence.

I’m not dealing with the silence well. I’m reckless with almost everything. And I feel like my spiritual practice is failing. I pray every morning. I meditate every morning, but I’m probably not doing it enough. I do A Course in Miracles every morning.

Clearly, I don’t have a good foundation. Or something. I need to rely on God or the Universe and stop being so reckless.

Don’t get me wrong, I do see the Universe working through me. (or with me?) I have examples. But I feel like I’m doing it wrong. Why do I eat more than I should sometimes? Why do I spend carelessly? Why do groups of people still scare me?

But hey, I’m not bleeding anymore!!! lol.

Picture me rollin’

M came by today while I was working! Hello, I’m working! Does she not care? Anyway, she invited me to a THREE day Jehovah Witness Convention. Um, I don’t think so. Bible study? Maybe. A 3-day convention? Nope.

Recently I’ve been feeling spiritually bankrupt. I hope this is only temporary. I just feel separated from people. Everyone is triggering me. I’m feeling better now than I was earlier in the day. I’m trying to vibrate with the cosmos 🙂 and not get so irritated.

I probably need to focus on A Course in Miracles and other spiritual books more instead of reading all this other stuff. I’m almost through this reading spree. I’m never checking out this many books again. What was I thinking?

Right at this very moment, Gabby Bernstein has only 20 tickets left for her retreat this July at Kripalu. I wanna go so bad. But it wouldn’t be responsible. Plus I would have to call into work sick. I have only called into work once and never with my current manager. I hope Gabby does it next year.

I got my 20,000 bonus points for using my Venture One Capital card. That “only” equals to $200 off a hotel or airfare. I think I can get to Kripalu for about $550 round trip. The price keeps changing, and I haven’t checked recently. It depends on where I leave from. At one point I was planning to leave from DC, but I’m not so sure about that now.

I signed up for one box of LeTote Select which is sort of like Stitch Fix. My next entry might be about that if I get it on Thursday. I only signed up for blog content. 😉 I’m hoping their stuff isn’t expensive. But I can send everything back. They better not send shorts…or a maxi dress with a slit. Those are my two no-nos. Or white jeans. Ha!

I have to go.

Update: I took a break from my other library books to read A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. I feel like I’m the only person on earth who hasn’t read this book. It is so popular. I’m glad I’m (slowly) reading it now. I will probably post a lot of quotes from this book. But one stands out for me today:

So when we think with God, then life is peaceful. When we think without Him, life is painful. And that’s the mental choice we make, every moment of every day.

I need to do that more. I KNOW THIS…yet I still don’t do it. I was in a funky mood this morning, and I don’t think I even prayed about it. I just kept listing the reasons why I thought I was in a bad mood.

Shoot. There is one more quote I have to share:

How ironic. You spend your whole life resisting the notion that there’s someone out there smarter than you are, and then all of a sudden you’re so relieved to know it’s true. All of a sudden, you’re not too proud to ask for help.

I swear I won’t type out this whole book. Maybe I will have one quote a week. I don’t own this book (I’ll own it eventually), so I feel like I have to capture every quote.

Update #2: I now own the book! I have the Kindle version. 🙂

Above the waves


5 days until my 3rd pap smear 😦

24 days until my birthday vacation

57 days until my certification exam

I can’t wait for my vacation!! I will start packing soon. I’m buying some stuff this weekend. I’m not looking forward to my pap smear on Wednesday. That will be the longest day ever. I’m also dropping my car off for a tune up, and then I’m taking an Uber to the OB/GYN. Before all that, I’m going to drop my dog off at my mom’s house at 8 AM. (He doesn’t do well alone for long periods of time. He is beyond spoiled since I work from home).

Anyway, I’m going to try to make the best of it. At least I won’t be worried about my car. I’ll be too scared about the pap smear. I’m also getting my 2nd Depo-Provera shot that day. I’m mainly concerned with my car. The doctor visit will be very painful, but I will live. I pray all goes well. I can’t believe I’m doing all this in one day. What was I thinking? I get overwhelmed easily. Obvs.

I meant to post this earlier this week. Here is what my somewhat newish spiritual practice consists of:

When I first get up, I start praying. First, I pray on the most pressing issue. Then I go to my spirit book I started over 6 years ago. I read a couple of prayers. Eventually, I will probably stop reading prayers. I make sure the prayer is relevant to what is going on in my life. I also pray throughout the day. I’m trying to get better at that.

Then I meditate. The longest meditation I do is 11 minutes long. On most days, I don’t meditate for 11 minutes. It depends on which meditation I pick. I mostly do Kundalini meditations. I learned recently that you should reflect/rest for a few minutes after the meditation. That sounds obvious, but I hadn’t been doing that. So now I try to do that (if I have time).

Next is Gabby Bernstein’s May Cause Miracles morning reflection. The book lasts for 40 days. I’m currently on day 19. I’m thinking about restarting the 40 days after I finish it. I read the exercise and write the affirmation in my planner so I can see it several times a day. That takes about 5 minutes on most days.

Then I eat breakfast and start work which is not a part of my spiritual practice. 🙂 After work and studying, I used to tap (AKA EFT). But now I don’t see the point of making myself tap when I’m not feeling it. Why tap daily if it isn’t necessary? I’m trying to meditate in the afternoons because I’m not great at it. Practice makes perfect, right?

So my new thing will probably be to meditate twice a day.  Right now, I do it if I’m in the mood, but I want to make myself do it. I close the day by doing Gabby’s May Cause Miracles evening exercise. If I restart the book again, I probably won’t do the evening exercise again because that involves a lot of writing and since I’ve just done it, I don’t see the point in writing the same stuff again back to back.

That’s it! The end. I forgot to mention that throughout the day I listen to Gabby Bernstein’s talks which are so helpful. I also listen to Hay House Radio. My favorite current host is Nancy Levin. She is the best life coach. I love her. I desperately want to call onto her radio show, but it occurs during a busy time at work.

As far as spiritual teachers go, Gabby is my #1 right now. I also love Nancy Levin. In the past, my teachers were Wayne Dyer, Debbie Ford, Louise Hay, Cheri Huber, etc. But I found Gabby at the right time, or she is just the best spiritual teacher ever! 😉

One day soon, I have to explain how all this affects my life. I just wanted to describe what I do on a daily basis.

This week I…

Music of the week: John Mayer, Madi Davis, Kendrick Lamar, Britney Spears, Michelle Branch, Robyn, Emeli Sande, Nelly Furtado

TV of the week: NBA Playoffs,  This is Us, Survivor

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: Still reading –  Love Warrior: A Memoir by Glennon Doyle Melton,  My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante, The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein (rereading), and  May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness by Gabrielle Berstein.

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren planner:


Plans for the Weekend: Grocery shopping, studying, and reading. Next week will be interesting. I might try to get to yoga, but since it is already a busy week, I’m not sure.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂

I see no beauty in the resistance

I just want my fucking period to END. Why can’t I have a very early menopause? Depo-Provera has fucked up my period, and I’m not happy. I know it is supposed to take a minimum of 6 months to end a period. It could take up to a year. I will probably have my period on my vacation next month, and that sucks.

I’ve had my period for 11 days. However, it wasn’t all bad. Only the past 3-4 days have been bad and just obnoxious. I can’t wait for this to be over.

To make all this worse, I was listening to a talk this morning and someone mentioned Viktor Frankl surviving the Holocaust and I still felt bad for myself. ugh.

People without a meaning in their life are exposed to aggression, depression, and addiction

-Viktor Frankl

I was going to do an entry on my spiritual practice and I probably will. But right now, I’m not feeling very spiritual. After what happened in the waiting room at my PCP’s office, I thought about giving up. But now that I’m back in the safety of my own home, I probably won’t give up.

I don’t feel like the Universe has my back right now.  I woke up feeling this way. And then I went to the doctor’s office, and everything exploded. I didn’t take Klonopin before I went and that was the problem. Klonopin relaxes me. I have to take it when I’m around people. Have to, or I will have experiences like I did today.

A woman was kicking her feet up. Full stop. I know this sounds crazy. It would be nice if someone could relate to how much this bothered me. Anyway, she knew it was driving me nuts. I tried to turn away from her (not the whole time). She kept kicking higher. The point is that why bother being “spiritual” if I can’t sit in a doctor’s office with other people?

What if I can’t enjoy Kripalu because other people are there? What if I can’t work at a different job because people are there? Doesn’t that make me screwed? How can I be spiritual with this going on? Spirit works through people. I have no people. I can’t be the lighthouse for others. What others? I can try to blog about it, and the people who need to read what I have to say will find my blog. That’s one way I can be a tiny lighthouse.

I felt defeated as I waited for the doctor to come see me. I feel better now. But I’m still questioning everything about the Universe and spirituality.

My blood pressure is somewhat fine. It was 120 over 78. Unbelievable. How did that happen? It could be situational. Or it could be the green juice and exercise. I don’t know. I don’t understand why my blood pressure is sometimes high and sometimes fine. I went to the GYN almost 3 months ago. My blood pressure was 130 over something. That’s prehypertensive. It could be due to me being terrified at the OB/GYN. But I don’t think so.

I was shocked when the nurse told me my BP. Shocked and relieved.  I had bloodwork done, and I’m waiting for results.

Instead of an entry detailing my newish spiritual practice, I leave this instead because this is where I am with the Universe and everything.

Whatever is going to be will be

Obamacare is/was a nightmare for my mom this year, but she somehow got signed up. However, it isn’t a good situation. This has more to do with Medicaid not being expanded in my state than The Affordable Care Act. I just feel like the ACA made promises it couldn’t keep. I don’t know how the American Healthcare Act will affect her right now. I don’t think it will be better. And I hate the name. lol.

Depo-Provera update: I definitely lost too much blood during my period this week. But this is part of the process to get rid of my period completely. I go see my PCP on April 17. I see my GYN on April 26. If I am still losing all this blood, I will ask my PCP about testing me for anemia.

No depression or weight gain, but I got the heavy period side effect. How long will this last? I would have started after my birthday vacay if I had known what I know now. But there was no way for me to know for sure I would have a heavy period. Everyone reacts differently to the same drug. I’ve heard so many horror stories about DP and most of them don’t involve heavy periods. It’s mood swings, hair loss, acne, weight gain, etc.

I have to accept my side effect and know that it will end…eventually.

I’m not a Christian. Never have been one. I guess I identify as agnostic right now. I believe in a force/power bigger than me. I call it the Universe most of the time. Sometimes I’ll call it God. I bring this up because now I get Christians who think about God (Jesus) all the time or praise him. I totally get it now! #late

I used to sit around and act like I was running this thing called life all by myself. But now I get it. I think that’s been the biggest shift for me. I accept that there is something bigger and I kind of rely on it. I’m still a little stubborn. I am a Taurus after all!

I don’t think the Universe is going to save me. I have to do the work and all that. Prayer isn’t magic. There isn’t any magic, but I do believe in miracles.

Anyway, I’m thankful for my spirituality right now because a lot of shit is going down and I really need it. Work is the main culprit. The universe is probably trying to tell me to leave my job, but dude, I have valid reasons for staying right now. Work is not going well as of March 1. sigh. If it weren’t for my new spiritual practice, I think I would be depressed right now. It’s that serious. I will definitely blog more about the work situation later. I hope it isn’t bad news.

I’m waiting for my part-time job to start back up. I’ve been trying to manifest it. Any time now…

I’m loving my green juice! It is not only healthy, but it energizes me. I just hope Amazon or someone gets this juice back in stock soon because it is somewhat affordable. I don’t even need diet Mountain Dew anymore.  The only thing I don’t like is that I think all of the green veggies mess up my digestive system a little. That’s a common issue.

This week I…

Music of the week:  Ed Sheeran, Amos Lee, Grace, Florence + The Machine, Ryan Adams, Miranda Lambert, BROODS, Snatam Kaur

TV of the week:  basketball, My 600-lb Life, Vanderpump Rules

I haven’t been watching that much news, and it’s been great. I’m 100% into basketball this time of year. One day this week I watched E! News. I haven’t watched that show in at least 5 years.  I didn’t know 80% of the people they were talking about. I only follow musicians these days, so I don’t know movie and TV stars. Anyway, it was great to watch some other type of news and disconnect from the negativity that is cable news.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I finished reading Spirit Junkie: A Radical Road to Self-Love and Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein. I would have given it 3.5 stars on Goodreads if that were an option. It is more of an autobiography, and I’ve heard Gabby’s story about 50 times, so there wasn’t a lot of new info there. It is still a good read for a newbie. I went on and gave it 4 stars.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Well, it’s going to be cold. 😦 I would love to spend time outside reading. Not happening. I’m going to my mom’s for about 30 minutes on Saturday. I’m off next week for a day and a half. Half a day on Thursday and all day on Friday for March Madness. This is my favorite time of the year.

I’m going to mow the lawn after I get off on Thursday. My yard isn’t that bad, but I should probably mow it while I’m off. As far as this weekend goes, not much happening. I’m going to take another practice exam for my certification on Sunday.

Have a great weekend and thanks for reading. 🙂

She said she loved me

At least Betsy DeVos is saying the right thing about LGBT rights for students (re: transgender bathroom issue). But what will she do? I’m surprised she hasn’t been forced to resign yet.  I hate when people say “states’ rights.” It is such a cop out. What if you live in a shitty state? Fuck that.

The news is so depressing. It looks like the conservatives are #winning.

I wonder what will happen to the Affordable Care Act? Since I’m on birth control, I suddenly give a damn*. LOL. That’s shameful. Seriously, I don’t need birth control so if I have to pay too much, I simply won’t get it. Some people NEED it. I don’t understand why anyone with health insurance would have to pay the full price for BC. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t pay full price for Abilify (it’s very expensive). But I do pay full price for some of my cheaper meds, and I don’t mind at all because it is inexpensive. From what I’ve researched a lot of BC is not cheap.

*Just joking since there are a lot of parts of Obamacare that are very helpful: Free preventive doctor visits, no more pre-existing conditions, etc.

Gabby Bernstein could have been talking to anyone. Other people could have said “Love you” to her. But I typed it out, and as soon as I hit return, she responded with, “Aw, I love you too.”

This is against everything Gabby teaches. She is not more special than me. I shouldn’t be so excited about this. She’s just like me. Also, she probably says “love you” about 500 times a day. That is the type of person she is.

I’m saving my life through Gabby. Spirit is now my lover. I pray and meditate every morning. I tap every afternoon. I still suck at meditating. I was doing fine, but now I’m struggling with it, but I’m still doing it.

I’m taking her Finally Full class (a class for food addiction), and it’s going well. It’s working when nothing else has. SCRATCH THAT! I had pizza and pasta yesterday. So I’m not 100% there or even 50% there. I was doing pretty good. Oh well. HOWEVER, I did give most of the pizza to my mom instead of keeping it for me to eat during the week/weekend. That’s a change for me. Of course, I wish I would have never ordered the pizza in the first place. I’m doing pretty good with not eating sweets, but I can’t get off the carbs. ugh.

I’m going to start over again. I haven’t done all the exercises of Finally Full yet. So I’ve got to get to work. I hope it works. I have faith in the Universe. Kind of.

Being spiritual is so hard when I’m around people. I’m fine when I’m at home during the week. But yesterday I went to my mom’s house. I thought, “This is why I hate people.” ROFL.

The neighbors haven’t even moved next to my mom yet, and there are already issues. I witnessed it with my own eyes. I’m so glad I don’t have next door neighbors, but one day I might. (Please NO). She’s telling me this stuff and I’m thinking “How could I be spiritual through this?” I know it would be a lot of work. I’m already working hard enough on my own crap. I don’t need neighbor issues too.

In summary, I’ve been praying, meditating, tapping and reading spiritual books like it’s my full-time job. But I still have a ton of work to do. ugh. I don’t wanna. At least I have Gabby to guide me through this. She’s the best. I just found a teacher with the same issues I had. That’s my best advice on finding a spiritual teacher. Gabby won’t work for everyone. But there is someone out there for everyone.

Instead of doing Depo-Provera updates, I should do period updates. haha. As of today, I’m 7 days late! WOOHOO! Does that mean it’s not happening? Ever? 🙂 Or will I be in for a big, bad surprise? Not much to say about the Depo. No bad side effects. Not having a period is NOT a bad side effect. It’s a good side effect.

This week I…

Music of the week:  Ryan Adams, Grace, Parson James, John Mayer, Gurunam Singh, Lukas Graham, Adele, Ariana Grande,

I’m surprised by how much I love the new Ryan Adams album. I never considered myself a Ryan Adams fan. Now I guess I am.

TV of the week:  basketball, Glitch

The first 15 minutes of season 1 of Glitch explains why I want to be cremated.  I’m serious. I’ve always wanted to be cremated. I do not want to be buried in the ground. Hell no.

Movie of the week: The Witness (documentary)

Books of the week: I’m reading so many books right now. I finished  Tears We Cannot Stop: A Sermon to White America by Michael Eric Dyson (4 stars on Goodreads). Now reading:

I have a lot more books on my to be read list.  I reactivated my account with BookLenders, so that means I will be using the library a lot less. 😦 My first two books should be here on Monday.

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren planner:


Plans for the Weekend: I’m going to pick up my TV (pictured below) and my taxes on Saturday. I filled a big bag of clothes and shoes for ThredUp. I hope I make at least $60. I’m mailing that on Saturday. I should know how much money my clothes are worth in a few weeks.

Oh! I made a 72 on my first practice exam last Sunday. Not bad. It was so hard! I was surprised I passed. I have a lot of studying to do this weekend. Eventually, I’m going to have to mow my lawn since it has been so warm. I’m trying to wait until I’m off on March 16th and 17th. Uh, I’m not sure my grass will wait that long. I may clean my yard this weekend. Not sure.

Not much going on. Per usual. Just studying, doing spiritual work, enjoying my new TV and running a few errands.

Have a nice weekend. 🙂