record breaker

Ugh, my stomach hurts. And my eyes hurt so much from crying. I was crying for 3 hours straight which is a record for me. I’ve never come close to that. I don’t think I’ve ever cried for an hour! 30? Maybe but I don’t remember. I rarely really cry. I’ll cry for 15 minutes and then my eyes will well up whenever I think about whatever made me cry.

I might not quit. Tomorrow I’m going to work six hours (3 for the mental breakdown + I’d agreed to work 3 hours of OT). I wished I hadn’t agreed to work the OT. I’m scared shitless. I’m going to be there while they are there. It almost makes me want not to go but I’m still employed, and I have to make up time.

What have I learned today?

  • I can quit my job. (smart? no)
  • The thought of quitting my job makes me sad even though I hate the environment.
  • I like the work I do. (but not enough to not quit over office politics)
  • People don’t care why you aren’t social; you just have to be. (anger)
  • The things that bother me don’t bother others. (already knew that. reconfirmed today).
  • I will never understand people and they will never get me. (reconfirmed)
  • I am socially inept when it comes to talking & writing. (understatement)
  • NEVER expect someone to have empathy. (ppl only have it w/their close friends).
  • I can cry for 3 hours.
  • I hate feeling abandoned. (reconfirmed).
  • I should not talk to people. (emphasis on more than one person)
  • I need to transfer my discover balance ASAP (in case me have no job).
  • If I had a baby, I would love it as a pet until it turned 13. Then it would suck. (random)

I could go on, but I really need to stop trying to please people. It won’t happen. 75% of me has accepted that but then today happens and it’s like: WILL I EVER LEARN?

I’m emotionally and physically sick.

therapy

I’m reading a memoir by Mayra Hornbacher. She has/had life threatening struggles with bulimia and anorexia. When I went to therapy for the 1st time this week, I was reading this book in the waiting room. God forbid, I don’t have something to read while waiting. I’m a nervous wreck.

Anyhow, my new therapist saw me reading this book. She’s in the mental health field so she can probably tell a book by glancing at it for half a second. Well I was a psych major (obvious, right??). I read books like this all the time. I’ve read books about schizophrenia, bipolar, alcoholics, etc. This is what I like to do. This stuff interests me. Reading about something doesn’t mean I have it. Oh, I also like to read about serial killers…

I must admit that I’ve been careful to not make this book visible at work. I know how some people think. Besides I’m under 110 pounds. I don’t own a scale so I don’t know the exact number. My weight may make some people suspicious. I just don’t expect that from a therapist. I have this weird, irrational thought about people in the mental health field – If they don’t get me who will?

I’m trying to get out things I feel are important like my ultra sensitivity to noise and how I was so close to suicide in late 2006. And I feel she wants me to admit that I have an eating disorder (why else would I be reading that book? ::rolls eyes::). I also felt like she wanted me to admit that I was sexually abused. I wasn’t but people often get that vibe from me. I eventually plan to tell her I’m asexual. That should be interesting.

She seems nice…but she didn’t seem to understand a lot of what I was saying. I don’t talk clearly. Communicating isn’t my thing. 🙂 I can be extremely inarticulate and when I do talk, I tend to ramble. So I will try to be conscious of this next time. I also have to explain to her that I don’t know what I like or want to do because I haven’t tried anything! As a child, I wasn’t allowed to do much of anything and I spent half of my childhood poor. Not middle class, lower class. We didn’t DO anything. All I know how to do is school. That’s it. Sad but true.

Btw, the book is Wasted by Mayra Hornbacher. It is well written. I do have a concern that this book could be a trigger (psych talk) for people with eating issues.

calling on the universe

i just feel so destitute right now. what am i supposed to feel/do when i hear someone talking about how i’m going to get fired? i haven’t cried all week but i do feel like crying now. ending it all.

#1 can she stfu about me being possibly fired?? “i don’t feel sorry for her at all. but what is she going to do (for income).” good points because you are married and you aren’t a neurotic, socially phobic, socially inept twit

BUT STFU

#2 they are doing things to press by buttons.

usually i would say “tomorrow is a new day. i won’t react. i will have a good day.”…………

but i’m pmsing (LOL) which makes me more irritable. so i feel so much pressure. not only do i not have to not react, i have to do it when i have pms!!!!

all bets are off when i’m sick or pmsing. i am just so much more irritable at these times. so tomorrow will be hard. they will tempt me.

it is so hard. what medication do i have to take to be less irritable? what do i eat? today i had no coffee but i did have a can of diet mountain dew @ lunch.

i feel like giving up. 😦

universe, I want to keep this job. i want to be able to not be so reactive. i want to free myself of the negativity. i want to be a good person. i want to be able to feel gratitude instead of wanting to choke my coworker. please!
please!

this is a plea for my life