Only hurt when I breathe

I hate when I act the way they perceive me. People don’t talk about this. I guess it is filed under “self destructive behavior”. It sounds extreme. I’m not doing anything illegal. But it is self destructive. ARGH! I hate when I do this.

I should be writing this in my paper journal. My paper journal is just a ramble. I use it to work through things. It does help. I don’t use it as much as I used to because I’m scared of leaving it somewhere. I need to journal at work. That would be really helpful. However, I know myself and I know I leave/lose things all the time so that could be a disaster.

I’m rambling about nothing. I hate social shit.

We had to work in groups. I’m fine with this particular group in short bursts but after 30 minutes I want to scream “BREAK! BREAK! I need to breathe! Will you please stop talking? Will you please not invade my personal space (lol)? Is anyone else in another group going nuts?”

GAHHHHHHHHHH!

The good thing is that I’m not failing at it. I’m not saying much…because the other 2 people know more than I do. However, I am the doer of the group (not by choice – it just happened that I have the best um, system). Since I’m the doer, there is no time to zone out like I normally would to just think. I have a hard time breathing in a healthy way around people. They don’t have to be near me. If they are 30 feet from me but I can hear them, I have to physically get up to stop holding my breath and breathe.

I do having relaxation techniques. So far I’ve been to self conscious to do most of these things in public. It would be a semi victory to get me to do this in public. I used to do the breathing thing but I got “caught” and public and she started mocking me. Guess what? I haven’t done it around people since. SIGH. PEOPLE SUCK. I WANT TO LIVE IN A CAVE.

The whole being tense around people is why I’d stopped doing overtime. I feel it is unfair to not work every single minute of OT. It is a moral thing for me. I don’t care what others do since it isn’t my business. When I’m tense from holding my breath and muscles, I’m working slower. I can’t do OT like that. Now that I can get a private space (just for OT), I do OT. But I think the others are starting to resent it which means it will end. No one told them they couldn’t do OT privately. THEY NEVER THOUGHT OF IT BECAUSE THEY DON’T NEED IT.

That is my fault, right?

Whatever. So the group thing isn’t going horribly. LOL. 😉 But damn, I wish I could breathe. Haha. And I did have a bad experience this afternoon. I’m usually good one on one so this just hurt a little more. It was stupid. I’m mostly over it NOW. I was vulnerable and once again got rejected. I know I don’t have to see it that way. But for the next hour that is how I felt. Being vulnerable doesn’t pay off for me. Am I doing it wrong? Or should I not be vulnerable which is what I do 99% of the time.

Oh vey. I just want to be normal.

Fuck. This human social thing is too much. They don’t speak to me unless they know I have to work with them on that day. LOL. Such social behavior. Do they think I don’t notice that? I don’t care but I just want to ask, “Are you AWARE of what you are doing?” Or is it just a social normal thing that people do without thinking?

Sigh. People. Different but yet the same.

I somehow survived going to Walmart at 4:30 this afternoon. I have food! Total yayness. Yes I’m being sarcastic. ( I know true survivors are POWs, etc.) The parking lot was horrible but the store wasn’t that bad. I’m thinking doing a long OT session tomorrow. I hope I didn’t jinx it by saying what I said above. I’m not mentioning again. Shhh!

I can’t believe I will be in school in less than a month. I won’t be able to take a medicine that make me sleepy. Luckily Zoloft is not on the list so no worries there. But I’ve been nurturing myself by sleeping, listening to music and reading. That will end. I’ll still get some in but homework and studying is more important. This is more of a reason to do New Year with a bang…I guess.

I just had the most awesome tacos that I…

I just had the most awesome tacos that I “made” myself. Heh. I had no cheese, tomatoes, etc. Just meat and flour tortillas. Yummy. I usually have at least tomatoes but I knew I wouldn’t feel like chopping them.

I have to donate books tomorrow. I thought it was going to be easier. So far I have two going for sure. LOL. I picked up Lucky: A Memoir by Alice Sebold and I couldn’t give it away. (I was planning on getting rid of ALL of my non-reference books). But I flipped through it. And it brought back memories. I can remember where I was and how I felt as I read the story. It is an anti-beach book but I remember reading some of it at the beach. Sorry, this book is a keeper. I will get rid of at least 10 books.

It all came to a hilt today. I hate having bad Fridays. Sometimes it bothers me over the weekend. If I have a bad Thursday, I can pretty much guarantee the next day is going to be better. Not perfect but better. Now I have to wait until Monday. I can’t handle the waiting. I will be working a few hours of overtime tomorrow. By few I mean 3. But most of the people won’t be there and it is only 3 hours.

Allow me to bitch and moan here. The only place I can.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY? Of all things do I have to have a social/mental issue? I sat back and watch two people with physical issues get wonderful treatment and they didn’t even ask for it!! The manager was like, “I can’t have you suffering everyday like this.”

EXCUSE ME? WTF. At least they had medicine that worked. Hello? This really bothers me. All the stats show that “shy” people make less than normal social people (normies for short – no offense meant). This stupid study comes out every year. Duh. People are always asked me, “What are you doing here if you have a college degree?” (This was at almost every place I ever worked. LOL. That is why I don’t tell people anymore). Um, because most jobs require TALKING, you idiots. And maybe some people suck at that. Maybe everyone isn’t like you. Just a thought.

I’m sick of people recognizing physical ailments but not mental.

Do you think the big boss THOUGHT for one second, “Hmm, some of these people might not be good on the phones?” NO just put everybody on. Holy shit! As an introvert, I would NEVER think that is a good idea if you care about your company’s customer service. Trust me, they do. I really want to know: Was it even a thought?

I’m so stressed over this and I’m not on the phones for 4 weeks. I had no idea that being in a call center environment would have this effect on me. But now I can see how obvious it should have been. ME in a call center environment? ROFL. I just want to scream. I can’t stand the frantic pace and everyone else freaking out because they don’t know what to do. I feed off their energy/stress.

Since I don’t have a physical ailment, I’m going to suck it up and I hope I don’t cry on every call. Because unlike the deaf woman (for example)* , I don’t have a choice. I’m not going to quit like a lot of people with social anxiety would. I have one person on record. I’m going to make them get rid of me. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

*I know most people would get offended by that statement but a person living with what I have would get it. The IT people offered to get her software so she could take calls. There was no conference. There was a quick, “NO!”. If I say I know sign language, is that like saying “I have black friends”. (Do those black friends come to your house? – sorry didn’t mean to go there).

I can’t communicate on the intellectual level that many of you do. All I’ve
wanted at any point in my life is to belong. But nothing has truly satisfied, not even church. I’m a loner. I think I’m going to get my act together- but I don’t have the motivation.

It means new beginnings and new beginnings are scary for me- especially feeling different from everyone not knowing why- but just recognizing my own differences- not formally diagnosed.

I began working in 2004 only working 4 hours a week because that’s all I could manage at the time. Sometimes it seems all I can do is try my best to survive.

– person w/Aspergers

What are we doing to help these people? Nothing. The overwhelming majority don’t care and only vote on issues that don’t personally affect them. I already knew that but to read that study (2008)…ugh it disgusted me. I think this is America’s #1 problem.

I’m a social casualty

A week from today I will be at the beach at this time. The weather is nice today. But I want rain for my dirty car….but not next weekend.

I’ve decided I’m going to Panama. Which city? I have no idea. Going to Mexico would be easier but why not dream bigger? I ALWAYS settle. Eventually I want Mexico/Central America to be like a 2nd home to me. I will be fine if I never visit any other region of the world. I checked out two books travel books today: Mexico and Costa Rica. Heh. For some reason they don’t have a guide to Panama. There are plenty of books about the Panama Canal though. Thanks. Ha. Of course now I will want go to Mexico or Costa Rica first. It will probably be about cost at the end. I already found a decent sounding hotel in Oaxaca City, Mexico for under $50 a night. Only a ten minute walk to town. Hmmm.

Forget all the stuff above. This is the real shit. The WTF am I gonna do shit:

Due to the current economic state, our company is doing cross training. That isn’t always bad, right? In fact when it comes to most things I would welcome it. HOWEVER I DON’T DO PHONES! I’d rather do your windows. I was a back –up receptionist for one hour a day at one job. Being a receptionist is totally different from customer service. *Groan* I sucked at the receptionist job when people asked for random (?) things like directions. WTF? I didn’t even drive my car to work. I had rarely been on the highway at the time. I didn’t (and barely do now) know the difference between 65 and 95. I could only transfer calls.

I sucked at taking messages too. Buddha, have mercy on my poor soul.

Once again this would be funny if it didn’t involve my income. Do I have to say what happens if I suck at this?????????????? Do I have to explain that every single call is recorded? Blah. Blah. I have never done customer service on phones before.

I’m going to have to learn how to be fake (uh, wish me luck!). I need a filter. OMG. Jx was on the phone with a screaming teenager. She just listened. I would have wanted to say, “Do you feel better now?” ROFL. Who lets someone just yell at them? I’m pretty sure I won’t have the desire to yell back but I’m not going to listen to it. “Are you done honey?” See, I can fake it! 😉 No one wants this. If the normies* hate it, how do you think I feel? I’ll tell you. TERRIFIED.

*normal social people

I don’t even talk to humans so…….SCREAM. This entry is really TMI. But I had to get this out. I got to listen to two calls recently. DIES. I would not have known what to say. I don’t have conversations with people. Do they really think they are going to teach me that? Really? Well, I’m updating my résumé.

Here is how I would have handled one call I listened in on. I don’t work for a company that sells things but I’m trying to do my best at not revealing my where I work or the industry.

Customer: I’m at the cash register right now and I need ———- to pay for my stuff.

Me: You are calling me from the store? Right now? Um. Um. ::freaking out::

LOL. That probably doesn’t make sense. None of “our customers” would be in a store. But that is the best way to describe that call without revealing anything. Just hearing that made me shake. I don’t handle pressure well. I hope my anxiety prevents me from having any “are you serious??!” comments slip up. A lot of people are thinking it but they don’t SAY it. I need a filter.

“Thank you for calling ————“. Um, no. I’m shaking. My stomach is doing cartwheels. My mouth is dry. I would rather you do anything but call. Thank you.

My biggest fear is getting diarrhea. When I get extremely nervous/anxious that is what happens. Talk about TMI. But hmm, could I get a doctor’s note for that? We aren’t allowed to get up if we are on the phones so……..what would I do? I would hate having to explain that to anyone. I didn’t enjoy typing that.

take what you take

I’m leaving for my John Mayer vacay tomorrow. I’ve painted my nails lavender. Anything for John. 🙂

I’m kinda a wreck about it. I’ll probably be a tweeting mess. No one -besides one person at work- knows I’m going out of town this weekend. My little secret. I have a lot of studying to do so it doesn’t feel like an escape from my life at all. Getting away is usually good for me.

I lied today. Ugh. I hate liars. Hello, hypocrite. Like I’ve said, I can’t lie on command. The truth will come out of my mouth 99% of the time. Simply because I just react. If you ask a question, I answer truthfully. However, if I know the question in advance (job interview for example), I can lie. I suck at it. I don’t practice enough, I guess. Anyhow, it wasn’t a big deal. Well….I knew Cx or any coworker might ask this question so I was prepared….not to lie but to avoid it. Instead I outright lied.

I went to lunch with Cx. Her idea. I did not want to go. I wanted to go home and pack. Plus I felt like crap. I’ve been feeling horrible lately. What else is new? She asked me about school. She probably saw the books in my car or whatever….When she asked me about being in school. I said, “No.” I’m such a liar. I suck.

This is the “this is going to be taken the wrong way part”: If I were really trying to build a friendship with her or anyone, I would NOT have lied. How can you build a friendship when you are being superficial?? The main reason why I wouldn’t consider her a friend is because she is a coworker. LOL. Simple as that. They tell everything to each other. They keep no secrets. I’m sure there is stuff I don’t know. But I even know that one of their mom’s was in a psych ward. I know just about everything.

I was fake. Superficial. Unauthentic. I don’t think I will ever open myself up to anyone there. This might be normal. But that’s not me. But my therapist would be like, “Oh great you went to lunch with someone?” Whatever. I was so in a crappy mood. I actually changed it for the lunch. Amazing.

Of course she knew I was lying because I’m the worst liar. Ever. Ugh, I don’t want to make this a habit.
———
I made an appointment with a doctor! I had no idea she would have an opening next week. I already have 4 hours off on Monday so I will be working extra hours to make up the doctor appointment. I can barely keep my eyes open for 8 hours. Um, I didn’t really say why I was making the appointment. The doctor will find out soon enough. I haven’t had a physical in more than 10 years. Good enough?

I told the receptionist I wanted a physical. LOL. I already know I’m fine with the basic stuff. Good blood pressure. etc. I need blood work. I have to talk because I’m not taking time off from work for a *&^4ing physical. That’s a waste of time to me. Sorry no sugarcoating this. No time. I’m going to bed.

She also asked, “pap?” I think she said that. They do that in regular offices? This woman is not a GYN. I’m confused. I said, NO. I have no idea if that is what she meant. I’m only going because I’m sick of yawning so much at work. Sometimes I yawn so much that my mouth gets this funny feeling. I don’t know how to describe it besides as “unpleasant”.

i never told you

Since I cannot express myself as well as those with Asperger’s….

I agree, I think in my career I could have got so much further if I had the skills to build better relationships, the knack of being warm and friendly, of establishing rapport, and – particularly important this – not upsetting people when I didn’t mean to, just because it didn’t occur to me that what I was doing or saying would upset them. However, I’ve now accepted that I can only do what I can do, and try to improve where I can (and not beat myself up where I can’t). I also do a sort of pre-emptive strike, I tell everyone, all the time, that I am tactless and blunt, so they expect be to be quirky. And they do seem (most of them, as far as I can tell) to respect the talents and abilities I do have, and so are happy to accept me as I am.

I’ve recently accepted that I’m blunt. I don’t lie. It doesn’t occur to me to lie. If someone asks me a question, I answer it. This may be due to lack of being in social situations or maybe it is just my personality. Since I’ve accepted this, I told someone once about it. I said, “I’m blunt…that is why it is better that I don’t talk”. 🙂

I hope this isn’t taken out of context:

So, say that one person gets a bad haircut. Due to other things going on in their life, their resources are low in stocks of resilience and self-confidence. The bad haircut is the straw on the camel’s back.

Another person loses her hair while undergoing chemotherapy. But the chemo’s going well, the cancer was caught early and is of a type that’s unlikely to spread. She’s receiving lots of support from family, friends and colleagues. The loss of her hair is just a minor nuisance.

Yep. When I see people having a mini breakdown over something that seems small, I will not judge. I’m better at dealing with the big stuff but the little things are the things that break me down. On the other hand when I hear people complain about a scratch on their car (for example), I’m like “REALLY??! A tiny scratch?!” My neighbors (a block away) have keyed my car, flatten all 4 tires and more. I don’t even wash my car. That is what rain is for. The only thing that bugged me was the tire thing because I had to pay for it to get towed. BUT…people care about different things. Priorities. There are a lot of things I care about where people could go…um, really?

Occasionally I feel the need to post something coherent. That means the words of others.

Anyways, I left my house due to people throwing fire crackers at my house. I found one in the yard. They really get a kick out of trying to hit my house…I’m at my mom’s house. Guess what?? Her AC isn’t working. AHH! It is 101 degrees outside. The hottest day of the summer so far (tomorrow will be hotter). I was going to go back to my house but I chose the heat over another day/night of illegal fire works.

I took pics of my house and I have other pics as well. Maybe tomorrow I will post them.

valued employee?

I was just reading a news article on technical writing yesterday and today my manager wants to use the notes I have written over a two-year period. She is going to give them to the trainers and the manual writers (aka tech writers). They are hiring two new people. Actually I think they are in training now. They will need these notes. This is the crap stuff I had to do myself because  we are severely lacking in the training area. They had to lay people off but wait, who is going to train people? Real problem.

Anyhow, I’ve copied half of my notes already. As I was going through what else needs to be copied this evening, I wanted to stamp on there “copyright by (me)” because I know they are going to forget who did it. If it were Dx or anyone else they would not forget because they like them and because Dx etc wouldn’t let them forget. I’m not talking about the new employees. They don’t know me at all (yet). But the trainers know me real well. Extremely well. lol.

I’m half joking about the copyright thing because I’m not keeping score. I want to help** the new employees because it is so tough in the beginning. I’m not getting anything from it except the feeling good feeling of helping others which is what I like. AND because some of the stuff is paraphrased from at least 10-15 sources. I just rewrote, organized & prioritized the information. This isn’t my brain child. I did it out of necessity because no one else out there would do it. (due to being people being busy and layoffs).

**Of course my manager was shocked that I was so eager to help. I do like helping people. I just don’t enjoy being social. It is draining, awkward and like being in hell if hell existed. I’m an introvert, shy and don’t have the normal social skills. (kill yourself now). If something helps me and I’ve been through the tough times, I don’t want you to needlessly suffer. Of course the new employees will still have a lot of “WTF am I doing moments?” All the new people do. I think mine lasted longer than most. 🙂

The title of this post is obviously an oxymoron.

No this isn’t some “aha” moment. My dream job isn’t to be a technical writer. I can’t imagine going into a new work place and trying to write a manual. It’d be easier to do with my current job because 50% of the stuff is already in  manual format (but needs to be updated) and the other 50% I learned from others (mostly my personal trainer) over two long years.

How confusing is it when I write in parenthesis? I can’t help it. :/ Do technical writers have editors because I would need one.

My dream job would involve animals, books, music or plants. I have other hobbies but I don’t see them as dream job material. I’m currently stuck on the zookeeper thing. Is that sorta like wanting to be a librarian? Too many applicants, not enough positions? Well the biggest difference is that librarians get paid more. In order to be a zoo keeper, I would have to live near a zoo. (I live near the national zoo but not close enough to apply for a job and get taken seriously. I’m 90+ minutes away. I haven’t been there in exactly 5 years).

Speaking of  zoos, I’m hoping to go to the one in Central Park but the park is so big, I may not make it this time. If I were going by myself, I would make sure I get to the zoo. I’m going to be in NYC for such a short time. I’m going to do an entry on my 3-4 must go places. Once again, if i were going alone I would have way more than 3 must do things. However I have to take another person’s interests into consideration. She is not into doing things on her own. So I can’t say, “I’ll go here, you go there and we meet at XYZ.” Not going to work.

I’ll get over the zookeeper thing in a few days. That was one of my childhood dreams. Then I will focus on wanting to own a used book store  (again) or working on a farm (again). I don’t have the dream job. I’ve always had several interests…most of them I have no desire to make a career.

NYC  in 9 days!!!!!!!!!!!

so much for my happy ending

I’m definitely depressed. It doesn’t take a PHD to know that a person with social anxiety is going to have some depression. By definition, it isn’t social anxiety or any anxiety if it doesn’t severely affect your life. So I get that. But…

I guess I just want it to be over. I’m not used to being depressed every day. I’m not used to not like going to work. I’m not used to this amount of gossip (and I thought high school was bad!)

So it’s 11:40 pm Thursday night and I don’t have time to plan out everything. During my lunch break, I have to go home & get laundry ready. It will have to wait until Friday night or maybe Saturday.

Unhealthy living this is. Orson Welles said,

If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.

My happy endings:

  • getting my acceptance letter to — university & finally realizing I was leaving home
  • getting a new position @ the same company after years of no job stability
  • the day I brought my house
  • That’s most of it. All of my happy endings end on day ONE.

    And I can’t remember who said people go through droughts of bad years and then good years. It comes in 7 year stints. That gave me hope a few years ago. Looking at it objectively, I can see how the 7 year thing seems pessimistic but to me…it was a chance. I had something to look forward to. I know there will always be problems and suffering (Buddhism). I’m not naïve. However, I thought it would be manageable. It has been more than 7 years. I haven’t been depressed for seven years straight…I’d be dead if that were the case. But everything else has been going on since I was at least 14. And I’m not a teenager anymore.

    I should be asleep so I can rush around tomorrow (well technically it is ‘tomorrow’) like a mad woman. A break won’t solve my work issues so it isn’t about that.

    This is what happens after I am around a group of people. After work, I went to a salon. Another social disaster. This is why I avoid social situations. Typical psych 101. I get ‘punished’ every time I do anything around people so why would I NOT avoid it. I have a B.S. (stop the joke) in psych and I know all this has real names but I can’t even get the terminology right. Long day. dehydrated and bad eating.

    I’m going to a church??!

    I’ve been on hold with the insurance company for 25 minutes. I think they are charging me too much for mental health visits. I know the copays have gone up for most people (except teachers in our state– they have the lowest copays! $20 to a specialist and $10 for their primary doctor. I would love that. Who wouldn’t? Uh, yes most of them with any experience make more than me so don’t go there.)

    30 minutes and counting…

    On March 7 I’m going to a church. No, not a Christian Church. LOL. NOTHING is going to stop me. Only a physical illness could stop me. Working 40 hours around people has always been my excuse for not doing anything that involves people on the weekend. I have a hard time understanding how a person can go to work and then go to church on Sunday! Who knows what they did on Saturday? That is too much stimulation for me.

    When I was unemployed, I would have to go out at least once a week. In the summer, walking around the neighborhood was enough. I am very much a loner but I need some stimulation…even if it is just a grocery store. I don’t get lonely, I would call it bored. But since I’m around people mon-fri, I’m OVERstimulated. I don’t feel a need to do anything outside of my house on the weekends.

    35 minutes. Still on hold….

    I’ve never been near this church. I don’t know exactly where it is. But I’m committed to going. I would like to go to the service at least once a month. And they have documentary movie Friday twice a month. I’m a documentary freak so going to that once a month would be nice. (As long as no discussion is required – I hate talking. LOL). IF I like this church, I would like to do some volunteer stuff with them. It is easier when working with a group. I’ve done the solo volunteering thing and I felt like a circus freak except when the girl from Russia was working with me. (She was living with a host family and volunteering while she was here).

    40 minutes on hold. I’m on my cell. I have limited minutes!

    I’m committed. This is my courageous year???! Even if I had a bad work week and the thought of people make me want to poke pins in my eyes, I will still go. I wanted to just go to the newcomer’s meeting but there is a service right before that so…I feel like proper protocol is to go to the service and the meeting. Not that I really care about protocol. The main reason I’m going on March 7th is for the newcomer’s meeting.

    45 minutes on hold…if they have fuck. Fuck. Answer the goddamn phone! I should hang up because it is probably due to the snow on the east coast. In DC, some people can’t get to work because there is no shuttle service or metro. Sigh. I’m just worried about going over. Should I really hang up after being on hold for 45 minutes? ::silence::

    I’m scared to go to this new church but there is a quote that goes, “My life will be more interesting if I do this then if I don’t” so I will at least go to the meeting. Not excited or that interested in the service so I’m going to need to hype myself up for that. I will blog about other concerns later. Trust me, I have a lot of issues with churches…even when it isn’t a Christian Church.

    Well 50 minutes holding. Wasting minutes. Fuck. Someone answered but guess what the women at the office told me to call the wrong number. And he couldn’t just transfer me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

    One more thing: I went to work late today so I did some de-cluttering. I got rid of two whole boxes! *cheer* Too bad, I couldn’t find the one thing I was looking for. But so far I have two boxes and two trash bags to take out. Yay!

    Oh god, I got through to the other number easily. Bad news. It costs me $25 more to go to see anyone in mental health. That is unusual. Who copay goes up by $25 in one year? Yes prevent people from going to see mental health providers. GOOD MOVE. LOL. They have no idea what they are doing. I am now cutting back big time on that. Sucks. I was just getting excited about going twice a month. Guess I should’ve been a teacher but that involves talking…

    URGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    And what if I went over my minutes. Wah. This sucks. Suckity. Suck. Suck.

    Have a nice day! I’m taking a nap. Got to do long hours tomorrow if I can get out of bed early. It is so hard getting up in the winter. In the summer/spring, I don’t have this problem. And I’m pretty sure I’m becoming a night person or maybe this is related to winter too. Around 11pm, I have so much energy and nothing to do with it. Haha.

    Longest. Entry. Ever. tata

    freak out

    Someone called me from out of state about Avon! I’ve been uneasy since I got the message. And no, I haven’t called her back. I couldn’t do it at work (due to what I was doing). I could do it right now…but it is long distance. And I have no idea what she wants. No clues in the phone call. At first I was convinced that she wanted to be a rep until I realized she was calling from 10 hours away!

    So I’m guessing she is interested in ordering from my website. I will call her back. I feel like a loser waiting until tomorrow (during lunch) but that is best for me. AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I wish she would’ve emailed me if she just had ONE question like, “What is the free gift?” This leads me to believe this is something different. Something I may not be prepared for…

    If I can’t do this, should I give up my coupon idea? (I was planning to put a local coupon in a newspaper like thing that will be seen by at least 10,000 people. Yes it costs money). That will bring tons of local customers but then I have to deal with them.

    hjgggggguk

    Maybe. No, I KNOW I’m not ready for selling. That is so anti my personality. I hate bugging people hence the coupon idea. I want people who are interested to come to me. I don’t have therapy until December. ROFL. I never thought I would want to go to talk to a therapist NOW.

    In conclusion, I feel like a loser for not calling her back tonight. I have to get that thought out of my mind. This whole situation also reminds me that I’M NOT READY. And it sucks to feel that way. 😦

    i’ll toot your horn

    …if you toot mine. 🙂

    I think I’m getting sick for the first time in two-three years. I want to blame the cold house but I lived through last winter with no colds. I’ve never had the flu…at least I don’t think so. I’ve never had a flu shot and won’t be getting one this year. Nor will I get the H1 vaccine.
    ————–
    M got this idiotic idea of trying to get people (uh, me) to say/write down the good things they have done. I’m assuming she’s talking about only @ work. Not that I would dream of participating. I would like for all the coworkers to list the BAD things they’ve done. I’m willing to stop by each desk and help everyone cuz I’m sweet like that.

    Nice things I do at work

    *hold the door open for ‘strangers’ even tho one time a lady on crutches snapped at me

    *when others do something wrong, I’ll correct it 90% of the time even though we are supposed to give it back to the person. this actually hurts me b/c I get less things done. 10% of the time I let the person know, especially if I know they can easily fix it. Some days it’s back to back issues and I should probably email them so they can learn however, I know other people are sending them things back.

    *went out to lunch w/ c even though I was terrified

    see how silly this is? They do nice things for each other (buy lunch etc) because they are FRIENDS. I don’t consider what people do for friends and family as “nice”. Of course you are going to do that. I’ve done a lot of that (with family).

    But if we wanna talk outside of work, friends & family, I can name tons of things. Of course I would like to do more like ‘meals on wheels’ or volunteer at the animal shelter. But volunteering at the animal shelter is pretty social. I just adopted my cat from there and there were more people than dogs, I can’t say the same for cats. There are tons of cats/kittens there. The main things I currently do are animal related like donating to the animal shelter which I have to do again (I only do it annually) and making sure the stray cats get breakfast and dinner. But I also love donating toys for Xmas even though I hate that holiday. lol. But I will give to the the kids. Then I start thinking about how I should give to Darfur and what about mental health organizations etc. etc. That’s why I like to pick one thing & stick with it. There are too many charities and I don’t have time to check them all out. How much on the dollar is going to ‘victims’ when I donate to the red cross?

    I think I’m going to check out a volunteering site but this month is not the month to start. Super busy. The last time I volunteered it was at a park doing gardening. My social ineptness was a slight issue but they didn’t make such a big deal out of it like everyone else does/has.

    ————-
    Tomorrow I’m waking up @ 5:15 and leaving town to pass out Avon stuff. (okay I’m only going an hour away). I think everyone in this city hates me. I would probably feel this way even if I lived in Chicago or NYC.

    Thanks for making me blog M. I never said I was nice.