Never hear my thunder

March 30, 2016March 30, 2016 ~ K. Hall ~ Leave a comment

I didn’t get to give blood. 😦 My iron was too low. But my iron is ALWAYS low. Every time I go to a screening, my iron is low and the nurse comments on it. So I don’t think I will ever be able to donate. Part of me is relieved, but I thought giving blood might be my new thing to do. I guess not.

I had a bad social anxiety moment at the blood bank. I’m not dwelling on it, but I thought I would share some of it here. Basically, I scared a nurse off. She was 2 feet away from me. She was facing me and she was staring while I was giving my info to another nurse. Anyone with SA will understand this is a nightmare situation. WHY WAS SHE STARING AT ME? It was so uncomfortable. Well, she refused to work with me when I didn’t give the right social cues. She got another nurse to do it. lol.

I felt horrible at the time. But now it’s like whatever. Typical social person getting their panties in a wad when someone doesn’t respond in a normal way. G-d help them. That’s all I have to say about that.

I’m getting my trunk from Trunk Club very soon. So excited!! I already know what’s in the box. She put a $178 dress in the box that I wouldn’t pick up off the street. haha. But I will try it on. I might like it. I probably won’t keep it because it is out of my price range. Overall, she did a decent job. She doesn’t know my style at all. We didn’t talk on the phone like we were supposed to. She didn’t even see my Pinterest board.

I will do a detailed entry on my trunk when it arrives. I’m not doing a Youtube video, but I will be doing a bunch of videos on Snapchat (username: kat3x5). Yep, I’m now comfortable doing videos without showing my face. I don’t want to scare people.

I’m having issues with parking and the Tori Kelly concert. I have to make a phone call. I emailed them and of course, they didn’t respond. That is why I HATE driving to DC. I like the city, but parking…argh! Since I’m having issues with the venue’s parking spots, I was going to park at George Washington University, but that’s a private school. Who knew? (Uh, people in DC). Maybe they will let me park there and walk a long way. I have no idea.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ellie Goulding, Shania Twain, K. Michelle, Jewel, Fifth Harmony, Little Mix, Erin McCarley, Sia

What an interesting mix. Lately, I’ve been getting back into Ellie Goulding. Love the new K. Michelle album. Well, I hate two of the songs. The rest is decent.

TV of the week: House of Cards, basketball

It is interesting to watch season 4 play out during a real political season. House of Cards is so good.

Movie of the week: none. I swear I’m going to watch Spotlight within the next two weeks.

Books of the week: A Mother’s Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy by Sue Klebold. This book is so hard to read. It’s impossible for me to read it without crying so I can’t read it every day. Sue Klebold is the mother of Dylan Klebold, one of the Columbine High School shooters. Devasting.

Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson. I wasn’t interested in this book when I thought it was just about depression. But when I found out the author had anxiety, I knew I had to get this book. I’ve read a lot of books from people suffering from depression. Been there, done that. But people rarely talk about anxiety. I just started this book this week and so far so good.

Plans for the weekend: I’m mowing the front yard (only). I’m like a broken record. I will work on my practicum, watch basketball and read. What else is there to do? I have to finish my practicum by the last day of April. Hopefully, I will get my trunk and have a post up on that this weekend or Monday-ish. I haven’t gotten my free Fitbit Zip yet. They probably won’t send out tracking info since it’s free so who knows when I’ll get it.

The end.

Sometimes the shadow wins

April 3, 2015April 6, 2015 ~ K. Hall

Do I even have to say AWKWARD? Hello! It’s me and a social situation. Of course it was awkward. I went to the Good Friday event and I didn’t die or anything but it was very uncomfortable. People and I are just not meant to be together…ever! The good thing is that it only lasted an hour. I guess it is what normally happens in Christian churches for Good Friday. But since I’ve never been to one, I wouldn’t know. People kept asking “Are you a visitor”? Is that code for something? LMAO. Sorry. Ugh, I was that person playing on her phone while waiting for the meeting to begin. I was so nervous. At least it is over now. I was the first person out the door as soon as the meeting was over. I kid you not.

All is well that doesn’t kill you. That is the saying, right? AND the lady who invited me wasn’t even there! %$#% Whatevs. She’ll say she was sick.

———

I’m thinking about taking my dog with me to the cabin. Some of the reasons for NOT taking him are purely selfish. I want to dance for 2-3 hours a day (if not more). Will he get in the way? Will he let me dance? I can’t dance at home so this was going to be my chance to do my favorite thing. The other reason for not taking him include: what if he uses the bathroom in the cabin? Do they have something I can clean with like a mop? I can’t remember. And the main reason is his new car phobia. He refuses to get in the car without getting into his crate first. This dog has so many issues…just like me. Anyhow, we would have to get in and out of the car a lot. It is impossible to walk to the river or a lot of places from the cabin. What if I can’t get him in the crate?

I don’t want to board him because I know he will be an anxious mess. He’ll wonder if I’m ever coming back. 😦 I’m also worried he might bite someone. So many worries. If I HAD to board him, I would. But I’m allowed to take him with me so…and then I read this article about how if you can take your pet on vacation with you, why not? “It is so fun!” lol. You don’t know my dog.

I have to make a decision soon because I have to make boarding arrangements if I’m not taking him. This was supposed to be a vacation from everything.

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I have been doing #Listersgottalist. I love making lists. I’ve been doing it since…wow, since I could write. I’ve been posting all of mine to instagram. There are two things I really like about this “challenge”. It makes me use my stash and it gives me a creative outlet. I probably won’t do it next month because I won’t be home the whole month to post and I’m looking for the perfect booklet to do it in. But if the prompts are good in June, I’m in!

I’ll share two out of my four lists in this blog:

My All-time favorite songs: (It was so hard to pick only 6 songs!)

My favorite planner supplies:

Some of this stuff I’ve had for 2-3 years. It is nice to be able to use it.

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This Week I…

Music for the week: Lissie, Toby Lightman, Laura Marling, Marina & the Diamonds, Jillette Johnson, Kendrick Lamar, Butterfly Boucher, Kelly Clarkson

song of the week: Sara Bareilles – Brave

This video came out in 2013 but I just discovered it this week. #late I’ve loved this song since it came out but with the video – WOW. This is where I am in my life right now. I’ve been watching this video 3-5 times a day for inspiration.

TV for the week: Bloodline, March Madness, Keyshia Cole: All In (marathon style), American Idol (ugh! I’m only watching for the local guy. I don’t hate the show. I just hate that it is a 2 hour show. I “watch” most of it muted. As soon as the local guy is gone, I’m gone).

This deserves it’s own paragraph: BLOODLINE. OMG. That show is sooooooo good. Why aren’t more people talking about it? Maybe the ending sucks? I dunno but I’m loving watching it.

Movie of the week: none.

Books of the week:

I Don’t Want To, I Don’t Feel Like It: How Resistance Controls Your Life and What to Do About It by Cheri Huber (on page 126)

The Happiness Advantage: The seven principles of positive psychology that fuel success and performance at work by Shawn Achor (on page 21)

Walked: edited to update – most steps on Sunday with 8,028 steps.

Planner update:

Can you spot two bunnies in this entry? 😉

I’ve been trying to hide

July 24, 2014 ~ K. Hall

SNARKY!

Believe it or not, I still don’t have my board exam score. D had hers by now. There is a very slim chance I will get my score tomorrow. I hope so or I will have to wait until Monday. Whether I pass or fail impacts many things. Do I try to make it without a part-time job so I can study part-time for the retest in September? I already applied for one PT job. I haven’t heard back yet. It will be very hard to study while working TWO jobs. If I did pass, I will have other obstacles to face.

I am not ashamed to admit that I have checked for my score about 100 times a day online. I really need to know what to do next…

I just got back from the work party. OH MY! Where do I begin? It wasn’t a total disaster. Well it depends…I said about 25 words all night. Most people would consider that a #fail. But I thought I might not say anything. I am not going to another one of these. I only went because it was a party for a specific person. Please no one else retire. I will feel bad about not going. I’m definitely not going to a holiday party or just a gathering for no reason.

I’m sure there were some snarky moments. I don’t want to assume too much but I heard some things. You know how people are. But whatever. The moment with my manager was awkward. First I had no idea she was behind me. Then we couldn’t really talk because it was so loud at the time. We did say “hi”. I said “nice to meet you” but I’m not sure she even heard that. That was a fail.

I’m already insecure about my job. I don’t need things like this to make me feel more insecure. TWO long timers recently quit. (turnover is rare in my department) How many work at home people quit after working there for years? I know I am saying too much. My point is that I think those people left due to management changes. That is not good and has me worried.

In conclusion, I went to my first “party” and I didn’t die. I won’t be going back for more. And some people were really nice. Thank you 🙂 Most ignored me. Thanks to you too. 😉

(“party” in quotes because all I had to do was just enter the restaurant and sit down. It wasn’t like I had to walk around and mingle.)

Also I took 1 MG of Ativan before the party just to be able to stand it. I think it worked. I was able to “stand it”. A few times I did want to run out of the room but it wasn’t that bad.

What if you never said anything?

June 2, 2014June 2, 2014 ~ K. Hall

This entry is full of random.

Countdown:

4 months and 12 days until Vegas 🙂

1 month 17 days until my board exam

20 days until the work picnic 😦 😦

May is usually my favorite month of the year but this year, the whole Vegas thing started on May 1! DRAMA. I hope June goes a little more smoothly.

Something recently occurred to me: What if my coworkers expect me to talk just because I show up? They don’t expect me to have a brain implant, right? (I would if I could). I will be meeting new coworkers along with the old. Not counting my manager, I think I will feel more relaxed around the new people. Not sure. My manager is a different story. I will be wondering if she hates me. Unfortunately her opinion matters.

I now know how to say things like “Nice to meet you”. I know normal people already know this stuff. They are way ahead of me. Social folks…sigh. I need to learn new sayings but my anxious brain can only remember so much.

I took a practice exam for the board exam yesterday. I got 66% right. Not too shabby considering by the end, I just wanted to get it done so I could get the answers. I was also rushing to get it done in under two hours. I need to get 70% right on the board exam to pass but this test was easier than the real exam will be so I can’t judge my performance by that.

I saw Frozen this weekend. Um. I trusted this would be good because adults liked it. It was okay. A little too far fetched for me. lol. It wasn’t terrible and now the soundtrack makes sense to me. At least not all of the main characters fell in love at the end. *gag*

Moving on…No NBA until Thursday. What are people doing without basketball? Oh, other people manage to get by? Interesting. I will somehow make it. More studying ~~and knitting~~ might get done.

After work, I studied a bit. Now I’m going to take a nap, study some more and then I might start knitting a child’s hat. I doubt it will be good enough to give someone. It is just practice. Why not start with a small size?

I have to take my dog to the vet tomorrow for routine vaccinations. I hope everything goes well.

I no longer live in your dominion

May 25, 2014May 25, 2014 ~ K. Hall

No work today! Wow. I just finished mowing the lawn but I’ll take that over the other kind of work (for today anyway). I’m working for a few hours tomorrow. When people talk about a 3 day weekend, I’m like “what??” I keep forgetting. I have my alarm set for 5:20AM tomorrow. BTW, no offense to the holiday. My dad is a vet.

Speaking of work, they cancelled the first get together but now a new one is on. 😦 It is a month from now. I have officially RSVP’d. I’m going. I don’t want to. What if it is like my usual social outings? Wait, I don’t do social outings but youknowwhatImean. I’m just worried that I might lose my job…I have never met my new manager. This will be a first impression. Oh god. Why am I going? Am I self sabotaging? What was I thinking? UGH.

Okay. Reset.

Weekly

Music for the week: Ellie Goulding, Mariah Carey, Stefanie Heinzmann, Audrey Assad, Hunter Hayes, Shakira, Joan Osborne, Rachael Sage

TV for the week: NBA playoffs, The French Open (tennis), Switched at Birth

Movie of the week: Enough Said, Bhutto, Twenty Feet from Stardom

Books of the week: A bunch of knitting books, The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook: Proven, Step-by-Step Techniques for Overcoming your Fear (I’ll be reading this one for a while because I have to do the exercises in the book and that slows down the reading).

Knitting projects of the week: I sort of finished one thing:

What can I say? I ran out of yarn. ha. I used my cheap-ish 100% acrylic yarn for it. It is about 85% done. I’m determined to really finish one dish towel. I might start another one soon. Well there are so many things I want to start. Some I don’t have the yarn for or the right needles. So those will have to wait.

I’ve said I really want to learn to make socks but they aren’t the easiest items to knit so I’m thinking – baby booties! If I can make those, socks should be easier?? I have quite a few nieces and nephews. If they turn out okay, I’ll give the booties to them. If not it will be called “practice”.

My works in progress include the lacy scarf (75% done) and a handbag. I want to start something else today. Baby bootees are too advanced for right now. Maybe I’ll start another scarf or a dish towel today. I can’t wait to start a hat but I need double pointed needles. I may order some from ebay today.

I’m going to do a “How I taught myself to knit” post one day with the best resources I used. I’m sure there are 1,000 posts like that….

———

Today I’m going to watch knitting DVDs (and tennis and basketball) and study for the boards. I’m pretty sure I’m taking the test in mid-August. I haven’t paid for it yet though. Of course I’m going to get some knitting in too. I really want to finish that lacy scarf so I can start another in a different color. Maybe the next one I will do with no mistakes.

You and me eating mangos in a mango tree

August 20, 2013 ~ K. Hall ~ Leave a comment

I feel like a failure. Not because orientation at the animal shelter went horribly. It wasn’t a total disaster like most of my social situations are. I was on 2mg of clonazepam which is a lot for me. I could semi-smile like a normal person. But the coordinator still asked me if I was comfortable. Obviously I looked scared.

I just didn’t expect to suck with two legged animals and the four legged ones. It was hard trying to get the dog back into the kennel. Ugh, I’m not good with handling excited or scared animals. I forgot what a 2-5 year old dog is like. (My dog is 16). They have so much energy! Of course they didn’t want to go back into the kennel.

This is another issue but I’m terrified to pick up my guinea pigs too. I sort of know how. I’m just scared to. Between not getting the dogs back into the kennel and not being able to get my guinea pigs out for free time…#majorfail

Am I going back? Probably at least once more. I have to make it soon or I’ll keep putting it off and never go back. I’m so glad we didn’t have to commit to a schedule. I was worried about that. I think I want to go on weekdays. I’m shooting for next Thursday for an hour.

The above probably doesn’t make sense. I typed this up within 3 hours of getting back from the animal shelter. I’m still frazzled. I feel defeated about so many things at the moment.

————-

Big diet change:

I’m planning on going gluten free in a week or two…once all of my food I recently brought runs out. However, I won’t be eating “gluten free food” because I am also trying to lose weight and that would defeat that purpose. Besides “gluten free food” is expensive. I have done hours of research and my grocery bill would be as much as my car note! I can’t afford that. I’m not sure I can even afford to go gluten free without specialty foods but I know it is cheaper.

I plan on eating mostly baked chicken, fish, eggs, and nuts. Exciting.

Why am I going on this diet now? Because I recently found out that a gluten free diet helps people with schizophrenia and autism. SOLD. That is all I needed to know. Much more to come. The book Wheat Belly would make a lot of people want to go gluten free.

I love the broken ones

August 16, 2013August 17, 2013 ~ K. Hall ~ Leave a comment

I’m sooo nervous. I really want to volunteer at the animal shelter but I have to do orientation first. I’m attending orientation after work on Tuesday. What is the problem? Um, what if they expect me to talk? The orientation will last for 1-2 hours and we have to walk dogs during the orientation. That is kinda a social environment. She even called it “casual”. Well casual usually doesn’t work for me and people like me. People will be, like, talking and whatnot. Ugh! Scary. I’m not worried about the 4 legged animals. I’m worried about the 2 legged ones. They expect you to have conversations and smile. I’m not good at either. I’m too tense/frightened to do either.

Not doing well in orientation for volunteering would suck. Is this like a job interview? Can I not pass? I don’t know what I expected it to be like but reading the description scared me. Ahhh! But I RSVP’d so I’m going. I have to figure out when I want to volunteer too. I’m thinking Thursday afternoons or Sunday mornings. I’m just not sure.

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Weekly

Music for the week: KT Tunstall, The Civil Wars, Selena Gomez, Sara Bareillis, Jillette Johnson, Charlotte Sometimes, Casey Abrams, Dia Frampton

TV for the week: Big Brother 15, (Helen needed to win HOH this week! Ugh, she better win veto or she could be backdoored. She has played one of the best games I’ve seen… until she trusted McCrae. I thought she was too smart to fall for his BS. I’m rooting for anyone other than Amanda, Aaryn and GM). Orange is the New Black, The Colbert Report

Movie of the week: Prozac Nation I read the book years ago.

Books of the week: Reconstructing Amelia by Kimberly McCreight & Wheat Belly: Lose the Wheat, Lose the Weight, and Find Your Path Back to Health by William Davis

Speaking of books, I haven’t posted this photo of my bookshelf yet:

I wish I had all my books unpacked but I keep moving so I don’t see the point. If the shelf wasn’t built in, I would have zero books on display. Look at how empty and sad it is. 😦

Goals for next week: work. work. work. Calm my brain for the volunteer orientation.

here I am in my shame spiral

May 29, 2013May 29, 2013 ~ K. Hall ~ Leave a comment

I have found something else I’m not good at: showing apartments. LOL. What a shocker. I’m going to be blunt: As a asocial person, I find many social people to be very needy. I roll my eyes when they complain about a cashier not smiling at them. Really???! These people need problems.

I try to understand them but some of their complaints I find insignificant. I’m so sorry Sue didn’t smile at you. AT LEAST YOU CAN TALK or whatevs. It drives me nuts. I’m sure they would find some of the same things I complain about silly because they have no idea what it is like to be asocial in this world.

And I have problems understanding why they need everyone to be nice. I just want people to do their job…and not be cruel. Social versus asocial. We live in different worlds. Sometimes we must come together. Well they rarely have to come to us. We must go to them. We must assimilate.

/end rant

———–

So I only showed my apartment to two people. One man, one woman. The woman was very easy to talk to. There weren’t many awkward moments. (Anything with be having to talk will be a little awkward). BUT then what I feared would happen happened. My neighbor came home as she was leaving. She talked to her AFTER I left for who knows how long.(She wanted to know about guest parking and since I never had guests, I didn’t have good enough answers for her). So who knows what was said. I know my neighbor called me crazy or something. I never did anything besides rarely staying there and not talking. Well that ends that. Thanks a lot! Shocking that I have never heard from her again. She seemed really interested.

My neighbor didn’t get to poison the other guy. He wants to give me a decision over the weekend. Fine. Whatever. I would just pay for the apartment to avoid all this if I could afford it. I don’t know what to do. I did just re-post the aid with June rent free.

I’ve just had it. I wish I could find a company that would find someone for me. I know I would have to pay but I’d do anything to get rid of that apartment.

The apartment isn’t the only thing bugging me but it is a huge issue because I can’t afford it. Obvs.

I’m so overwhelmed. My week off from work starts June 10. I can’t wait. It would be nice if my apartment was rented by then but if not I would get more time to show it. A park is 3 minutes away from where I now live and I haven’t been there yet. I’m dying to go. If no one wants to see the apartment on either Saturday or Sunday, I’m going.

It isn’t like I wasn’t going “crazy” in the apartment. I was staying in motels because my hypervigilance was causing major freak outs. I expect some people to see me moving on as a choice. No. No. No.

BLARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!

/end rant for real this time

Queen of (K)nots

June 27, 2011July 3, 2011 ~ K. Hall ~ Leave a comment

There was jury drama today and it wasn’t my fault. Something happened that almost NEVER happens and we the jury weren’t happy about it. I’m done for three years! WHY? Because I served on a jury!!! Of course the lawyers didn’t get a good vibe from me, so I was excused. Hell yeah! I love our justice system….

Nothing makes me feel more like a freak than being with a bunch of normal people. I’m only used to being around the people at work. Then enter new social situation. hahahahah.

I know they dismissed me because I was looking down and not making eye contact. I did make eye contact with the judge once. But basically I acted like a person who is extremely shy or a person with Asperger’s. Of course I was dismissed. Seriously, I forgot to take my beta blocker this morning. So my anxiety was off the hook. The medicine doesn’t make me appear (socially) normal but it doesn’t make me appear like an unsocial animal.

I think the judge/lawyers thought my behavior was due to being cold. The judge made a comment about being cold and then the bailiff immediately comes from the other side of the court and stands directly behind me. 😦 I was cold. But that wasn’t the only reason I was shaking and looking down. Ever heard the FACTS of social anxiety? Probably not so they wouldn’t know.

Aside: How come people NEVER think of a person simply being shy? They will think of anything else but NEVER that unless the person says they are shy. (I’m not saying shyness = social anxiety. It isn’t the same).

Another situation where I get the “She is ——–” vibe is when in stores. Dude, I’m not stealing anything. I’m waaaaaaaay too timid for that. 🙂 They mistake my nervousness for guilt. I’m only mentioning it because it happened today. 2 more points for not feeling strange. Anyhow, when people are in the aisle I’m in, looking at the same stuff, I get nervous. I usually go into another aisle or another part of the aisle. I do this in the library too. Today it was a worker (probably a manager) we kept bumping into each other. I got exasperated. Thinking while people are around is not easy for me so I go elsewhere.

When I got in line, the cashier -while waiting on others- would not stop staring at me. It was so obvious. She had no shame about it either.

What a strange, long day.
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I’m feeling a little depressed. Without the abilify, I’m sure it would be worse. Little things are happening that I have to deal with. The smallest things are overwhelming me. This sucks. I need to have enough motivation to try yoga ASAP…and mow the lawn…and find someone to do a house repair. Overwhelmed. At least jury duty is over.

I’m sure eating crap isn’t helping. My refrigerator (the bottom part) still isn’t working. So I’ve been eating can food which is full of sodium. I’m going to buy some turkey burgers to get a break from the canned crap. I don’t need food making me feel worse than I already do.
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Hopefully I will have a good news post one day…soon.

talk to strangers?

June 20, 2011June 21, 2011 ~ K. Hall ~ Leave a comment

Today was not the greatest. I was so cranky. I couldn’t wait to get home. I got up at 5AM went to work, then left for court (jury), and then went back to work. And all I had was two protein bars and a banana to eat. I didn’t eat that all at once. I left my lunch at home so that was all I had. No sleep + no real food = cranky me.

Then I get home thinking I’m going to take a nap. LOL. Guess what? Some jackass won’t stop shooting their gun. It might be a BB gun. I dunno. THIS IS WHY I WANT TO MOVE. Last night they were up to similar shenanigans hence no sleep. If you live in an area where you don’t here BB guns or real guns, please leave your neighborhood in the comments. I hear both A LOT. (I’m joking about the comment thing, I can’t leave the area right now but thanks!)

I’m seriously considering moving into an apartment in a year or two.

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As always I’m studying people’s behavior (psych major) and jury duty was interesting. Do people talk to people they don’t know out of boredom or because they are social creatures? Or both? There were two groups there. I was in group two. Group one was a very talkative bunch. I was awed at how they didn’t know each other but talked so much anyway. Maybe this is a cynical take but the most extroverted people at work would talk to a door!

I always want to say, “X will talk to ANYONE”. Of course I wouldn’t do that…but does that devalue X’s communication? I’m not trying to be snarky or funny. This is from my perspective as a low social needs person. I could go two+ weeks without seeing another human and be completely fine. I wouldn’t even notice it.
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This was supposed to be the “summer of creativity”. I have been doing projects and trying new things but I’m still coming to the conclusion that some of us are art appreciators. I spent one of my lunch breaks admiring local art in a gallery. It was one of the best lunch breaks I ever had. Sure I saw jewelry, paintings & handbags I wish I could make. How about instead of wishing I had their talent, I just appreciated it instead?
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Without my fridge, I need to come up with food options. I’ve been staying away from canned food due to the high sodium but without a fridge, what option do I have?