here I am in my shame spiral

I have found something else I’m not good at: showing apartments. LOL. What a shocker. I’m going to be blunt: As a asocial person, I find many social people to be very needy. I roll my eyes when they complain about a cashier not smiling at them. Really???! These people need problems.

I try to understand them but some of their complaints I find insignificant. I’m so sorry Sue didn’t smile at you. AT LEAST YOU CAN TALK or whatevs. It drives me nuts. I’m sure they would find some of the same things I complain about silly because they have no idea what it is like to be asocial in this world.

And I have problems understanding why they need everyone to be nice. I just want people to do their job…and not be cruel. Social versus asocial. We live in different worlds. Sometimes we must come together. Well they rarely have to come to us. We must go to them. We must assimilate.

/end rant


So I only showed my apartment to two people. One man, one woman. The woman was very easy to talk to. There weren’t many awkward moments. (Anything with be having to talk will be a little awkward). BUT then what I feared would happen happened. My neighbor came home as she was leaving. She talked to her AFTER I left  for who knows how long.(She wanted to know about guest parking and since I never had guests, I didn’t have good enough answers for her). So who knows what was said. I know my neighbor called me crazy or something. I never did anything besides rarely staying there and not talking.  Well that ends that. Thanks a lot!  Shocking that I have never heard from her again. She seemed really interested.

My neighbor didn’t get to poison the other guy. He wants to give me a decision over the weekend. Fine. Whatever. I would just pay for the apartment to avoid all this if I could afford it. I don’t know what to do. I did just re-post the aid with June rent free.

I’ve just had it. I wish I could find a company that would find someone for me. I know I would have to pay but I’d do anything to get rid of that apartment.

The apartment isn’t the only thing bugging me but it is a huge issue because I can’t afford it. Obvs.

I’m so overwhelmed. My week off from work starts June 10. I can’t wait. It would be nice if my apartment was rented by then but if not I would get more time to show it. A park is 3 minutes away from where I now live and I haven’t been there yet. I’m dying to go. If no one wants to see the apartment on either Saturday or Sunday, I’m going.

It isn’t like I wasn’t going “crazy” in the apartment. I was staying in motels because my hypervigilance was causing major freak outs. I expect some people to see me moving on as a choice. No. No. No.


/end rant for real this time

If I ruled the world…

Imagine That!

I love that song (by Nas & Lauryn Hill).

I cleaned off my sofa. I just put the stuff on the floor. lol. My cat loves it. She sleeps there now…away from me. Three whole feet away.

I’m trying not to panic about school. But it is sorta hard. Why did I register for summer school??? Ugh. Well I didn’t know I had to take two classes until the day I registered AND more importantly I didn’t know my dad was coming (on Sunday). :/ Also, I still don’t have one of my books.

So I’ve been trying to clean. Not much studying is getting done. I think I’m going to have to lower my “A” goal…but I refuse to get a “C” over this nonsense. I’m so bad at cleaning that my house is still a mess!!! I’m not trying to turn the place into a hotel. Hell, “his” bed might have something on it. (He won’t care, really) But it would be nice if it could be livable…

Thank god my mom is helping me one day before he arrives. I would have had a breakdown if I had to do this alone. My big fear is that he gets here one day early. *Diiiiiiiiiiiie* I’m already dying but puleeease.

I just want to focus on work and summer school but ugh, ain’t happening.


I wanted to wear a sign on Tuesday saying, “WATCH OUT I DON’T HAVE MY MEDS!” 🙂 Thanks to my *&$% health insurance and the new controlled substance law. I have to find out who passed that law. Conservatives hate the government yet when it comes to protecting their kids it is all about passing laws (unless it about guns…). It was probably bipartisan. And I remember reading about it but I didn’t think it would affect me negatively. I only take zoloft every day. Thank god I’m not addicted to klonopin because I would’ve been in a cold sweat since I’ve been out for 5 days.


I think I finally get social people. THEY TALK. No shit, right? They can’t help it. Some are worse than others. They are outgoing chatters. They will talk to anyone. (And that isn’t bad…just describing). I now sit near one. But god, woe is me. No apologies. J said, “We don’t want to make it seem like on gang up” ON ME. Um, too late. This is what they don’t get. And for pop culture reference I’m comparing it to Real Housewives of New York. Yes, Kelly. When you have a group of people…and for whatever reason they don’t like you. Maybe they are snobs. Maybe you are shy (Shy people should burn in hell, right social people??!)


It is already unbalanced. Anyone who watched the Poison Island episode carefully saw Kelly trying to reach out to Bethenny by saying, “I don’t like processed foods.” Beth immediately smacked her down. She tried to make her feel stupid. “You are eating gummy bears!” Bethenny said in not a friendly way. Kelly felt rejected on DAY ONE. This is stuff, no one else got. Call someone stupid and they probably will get defensive. Hint to social people.

So after that point, Kelly was on the defense especially when it came to B. BECAUSE B called her stupid. Am I the only one watching it?

Oh sorry back to me. On day one – yes really- they were calling me crazy. I was only there for two hours. Yet I still cried at my desk. On the first day. Keep in my I wasn’t new, I just transferred but I didn’t know 95% of these people. K (the one person I knew) and M (total stranger) started it. I thought K was nice. We sat near each other in the other department. We didn’t have problems so I was like, “How could she do this to ANYONE? Wow, I thought I knew her.” K is now gone but M is not.

M and Dx (history: Dx is a major tattle tale. Someone get her a book on karma stat. If you believe in karma, as I do then you won’t feel the need to go out of your way to get people in trouble. Ugh. Annoying. I hate tattle tales.) and J too can’t forget her. 3 of them went to talk to a supervisor, manager about me not being a part of the team.


I would never to that to someone unless they were affecting my work. We communicate about work pretty well. In the beginning it was hard because I didn’t know anything etc but we have to communicate everything electronically for documentation. And hello, I don’t have a problem with that! My point is that little me is not affecting their work in a bad way. BUT social busy bodies have to put their noses everywhere. They have to gossip. And D is the leader type (Oh F her!) so she plans and schemes…and then wonders why I don’t like her. She knows I don’t care for her but she said it about me first. I was shocked and had no idea! That was over a year ago and not part of this story.


Through the help of others, I now see why and how they don’t think I’m part of a team even though I don’t agree. In my world, everyone is different and we all communicate differently and as long as the work gets donr correctly WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL? Social people don’t think this way.

If I and people like me ruled the world, there wouldn’t be Zoloft, there would be a medication for people who can’t control talking about someone within earshot. I could make tons of money from it because a lot of people need that medication but do they realize they have a problem?? 😉


I should/need to seem like part of the team or THEY WON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP. Are they trying to get me fired? Once again, Karma. I would never, ever do that to anyone. even someone I didn’t care for. My biggest issue with doing anything to seem like more of a team player is:

*I’m always thinking I’m going to get fired. After Dx and M had that meeting who can blame me? So it’s like what’s the point?

*my lack of social skills, desire to be social, etc

*I’ve tried things before and I’ve heard people talking behind my back about my attempt. NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE SOCIAL BEINGS UNLESS YOU ARE JUST LIKE THEM. This is why they should me medicated. Can’t you see their faulty “logic”?

I will try. Will I talk? Do I ever? Besides a good morning? I will be attentive in team meetings even though at one of the last ones, M made a joke about my apparel (by pointing) and the room started laughing. Would you try with these people????

Sigh. They need to be medicated. 🙂 I’m going to clean/organize tonight. Another night without school work. THANKS DAD. 😕

I will be attentive and not blase during team meetings. DESPITE how they may try to humiliate me. I’m just glad I was eating yogurt (with cereal and nuts – yum) during the meeting because I was running late so I had no time to eat. I NEVER eat in front of people and that’s the one time I did. It was my saving grace. What if I had cried when they were laughing????