I don’t need a white wedding

Looks like we are getting snow. Not a ton, but enough for me to be stuck for about three to five days. PLUS, I won’t have water since it will be cold overnight. I just filled 2 gallons of water. I will fill up more bottles later tonight.

I don’t have to go anywhere this weekend. I would like to go out on Wednesday. I did my grocery shopping on Thursday after work. I thought it was going to be insane, but it wasn’t that bad. I don’t want to make a habit out of it. I like to grocery shop on Saturday morning. I used to go shopping at 7 AM on Saturdays, but now I’m too lazy to get ready that early in the morning. I’m trying to get back to that.

I need my part-time job. 😦 Please let them get work soon. I mean really soon. My electric bill can get close to $300 during the winter.

Other than wondering when part-time work will come, things in life are going okay. Not awesome, but okay. The price for Abilify is still affordable despite the price hike for 2017. I’m so glad my insurance is still paying hundreds of the price. Why does it have to cost so much? I can afford Klonopin without insurance, but Abilify? NO WAY. Anyway, I’m so thankful I have Abilify in my life. I swear I don’t work for them (or any pharmaceutical company).

I’m losing more faith in people the more I’m out in public. ROFL. People have no compassion. This is why I give more to animal charities and care more about animals than human beings. UGH. Don’t get me started. I may do an entry on this in the upcoming weeks. People (in general) are only nice to their friends/family. Being friendless, I see people for what they REALLY are and it ain’t pretty. This needs to be a full blog entry, and I’m getting tired.

****BREAKING NEWS***** It started to snow. Bummer for some people. Blah.

This week I…

Music of the week: Solange, Keith Urban, Tegan and Sara, Maxwell, Regina Spektor, Sia, Lissie, Britney Spears

TV of the week: Gilmore Girls, Mariah’s World, basketball

I miss TV. I do have a kind of crappy quality TV I might go back to. The quality is so bad, though. I’ve been watching Mariah’s World through my Fios app and sigh. I am (was?) a big Mariah Carey fan, but I’m getting over her. However, all she needs to do is release a good album, and I’m back. I just don’t care for her personality. She’s so insecure. I don’t think it is possible to be more insecure than her. I’m not exaggerating.

I think I’m done with Mariah’s World and Mariah. I was thinking of going to see her and Lionel Ritchie in Maryland but who knows which Mariah will show up? Will she lip synch more than 50% of the show? She will probably sing mostly live. At least that is what she normally does. I would say about 80% is live, but I don’t trust her anymore. I don’t blame her for the New Year’s Eve fiasco. She couldn’t hear anything. I think that was her bad karma.

FWIW, the show is an over the top scripted reality show. Sigh.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: Still reading Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult. I started reading. They Can’t Kill Us All: Ferguson, Baltimore, and a New Era in America’s Racial Justice Movement by Wesley Lowery.

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren life planner –

dscn0207-2

Plans for the Weekend: Staying in. 🙂 I’m going to start studying for my board exam and read for leisure. I need my part-time job. See how much free time I have? I’m not bored, but I would rather work. Of course.

Have a nice weekend. Thanks for reading! I have to gather more gallons of water.

not giving away my shot

Warning: WHINE FEST and RANT

Oh god. I’ve walked around the neighborhood and fuck! Saying I might be stuck for 3 weeks is conservative. This snow isn’t moving. Even though we have 50 degree days, the snow isn’t melting fast.  I’m running out of yogurt on Thursday. Then it’ll be eggs. Yes, I know some people don’t have food at all and I’m complaining about yogurt and eggs! I just don’t want to be stuck. *whines*

I don’t know how I’m going to get my mail. I don’t care about my mail, but I do have to mail my rent. It would be nice if my landlord lived in this century and did things electronically, but that is not the case. I usually drive somewhere to mail my mail, but that isn’t happening.  If the mailman can’t deliver my mail, he won’t be able to pick it up. Obvs.

So I don’t know what to do. The last thing I want to do is call my landlord and admit all this because he might say “Well don’t you have someone who can mail it for you?” Um, no. I don’t have friends. I don’t mind admitting that to SOME people, but my landlord is a complete stranger to me. (Weird, right?) I don’t want to admit that to him. And I don’t want to call.

This is why I hate snow. I bet all those people that cleared out the grocery store can leave their house. So annoying. Yes, I am feeling woe is me because I didn’t cause this crap load of snow to fall and now I’m stuck. blah. Now I’m considering paying someone. That is the only way. 😦

EDITED: I’m beyond screwed. I just paid $150 to have my road shoveled. NEVER AGAIN. It doesn’t snow much here so that is probably an accurate statement. one hundred and fifty dollars. FUCK. It pays to have friends. Be like Susie. Not like me. Btw, I was robbed. I didn’t even get my whole driveway shoveled. He gave me the quote before he saw the road. It was not $150 worth of work. If he did “rob” me, he will have bad karma. $150 worth of bad karma.

He wasn’t even shoveling the whole time.  He was in his truck. He wanted to make it seem like it was $150 worth of work, but I could see him stalling. If this ever happens again, I will shovel myself even if it takes DAYS. (His company was supposed to use a plow, but he claimed he didn’t want to use a plow on roads in my area). ROBBED.

———-

Some people don’t get it. A lot of people don’t get it. How can people be so ignorant about a topic there is so much information on? I know they choose to be ignorant. That is pathetic, and it makes me mad.

People that suffer from depression aren’t ‘sick in the head’. Or crazy.

This woman is saying people on anti-depressants should not be able to foster kids. HOGWASH. If the person has a chemical imbalance and the med is FIXING that then shouldn’t they be fine?

And what about all the parents on anti-depressants? LOL. Hello? The hoops people have to jump through to foster/adopt a kid when people can just have kids naturally (for lack of a better term) is just mind blowing. But that is another topic.

I understand not being able to foster if somebody is going through a situational depression. Say someone just had a miscarriage or lost a job. That is situational depression. That will usually go away for most people.

Something about her bothered me. She would make judgemental statements about who should be able to foster kids. But I just ignored that. And then she made the anti-depressant statement. Then I knew she was clueless.

Just to be clear: I don’t want to foster kids. 95% sure I never will. But in 15 years or so, there is a chance I would consider it. Also, as far as I know most states probably wouldn’t ban someone for just being on anti-depressants. Would a state let me foster right now? NO. That I know for sure. 😉 Not because of meds, but other things like having no social support etc.

———

I love Kristen Stewart. I don’t have that many celeb crushes these days, but she is on my short list. She could say anything, and I would say, “I love her!”.  Anyhow, she was not talking about racial equality when she made those infamous statements. She was talking about sexism in the industry. She often talks about that.

She’s so awesome. Okay, she’s just a normal person. But I really like her. 🙂

KRISTEN STEWART at Cecil B. Demille Award
KRISTEN STEWART

Done with being done

I hate snow. Here is a pic of my front yard:

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES
snowed in

I can’t tell how long I will be stuck. I moved my car closer to the road so there is a chance they may plow the road, but two years ago they didn’t plow my road. That year the snow wasn’t nearly as bad as this.  To make things worse, my dog is scared to go outside. ARGHHHHHHHHH! What am I supposed to do now? I give up. I hate this crap. If they don’t plow, I’m guessing I will be stuck for at least 2 weeks from today. I will run out of eggs! OH NOES!

Edited to add: Still snowing hours after I took that photo. I might be stuck for 3 weeks. Bummer.

Good news! Maybe?  They gave me until February 28th to finish my practicum. 🙂  The only problem is that there is no way I will be finished by then. I asked for 3 months, and they gave me 5 weeks. lol.  I’m working on it after work and on the weekend. I’m trying, but this stuff is hard and time-consuming.

Re: The Academy Awards. Directors/writers/producers need to put more people of color in their movies. Simple as that. I will not be boycotting watching the Oscars because I want to see Leonardo DiCaprio finally win what should have been his years ago.

I think the Oscars will have low ratings because most people don’t care about the nominees. The movies that were nominated weren’t seen by that many. But I care about Leo and the movie Spotlight.

I can’t believe Julie Delpy said she sometimes wishes she were African American. ROFL!!!! WTF. Actors and Actresses need to STFU. Except George Clooney. I like Delpy, by the way. So I was a little crushed to read that. OMG. What is going on? Where are their publicists? Where are their brains?

This week I…

Music of the week:  Ellie Goulding, Coldplay, Little Mix, Bruno Mars, Ed Sheeran, Adele, Demi Lovato, Amanda Palmer

song of the week: some fun pop by Little Mix

TV of the week: Parks and Rec, basketball

Movie of the week:  none

Books of the week:

Treadmill update: I skipped one day this week. I felt guilty about it. For the most part getting on the treadmill is now a part of my daily routine. I have to do a review on it. I keep forgetting.

Planner update:

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inkwell press planner

I have a new planner for 2016! I bought an “imperfect planner” from Inkwell Press. It was 40% off since it was irregular. I can’t find anything wrong with the planner. That’s good. I will continue to decorate until I run out of stickers. I know that spread looks a bit messy, but it gets the job done. Btw, I have the planner in my gold Kikki-K binder. Love it.

Freedom

Believe it or not, this snow shutdown the city for two days. It was more about ice than snow.

front yard
front yard

Like my view? I hope it stays that way but things are happening…..too scary to type out.

My Life Philosophy

Nothing deep here. I don’t have time to really get into it. I just feel inspired to post something right now (even though I should be doing school work).

My life probably doesn’t make sense to most people. lol. I find it freeing to live the life I do. No major obligations (but I still have crap to do). It’s not complete freedom. I wish it was! It’s hard to explain. I see life as something that has to be endured but in the end, you die.* There is comfort in knowing death is coming. My nightmare would be to live forever. Often times I feel if there is a god, he/she will make me live forever (or until 85) as a form of punishment.

I value freedom deeply. Freedom to live. Freedom to die. Freedom to do whatever. I value other things too (justice etc.) But my #1 value is probably freedom. That is how I make most of my decisions.  I know some people would judge this as a bad way to live but whose life is it? Oh, I also value security too. I can judge that as a bad value for myself. It is too confining.  How do you balance freedom and security?  Things are always changing so is there EVER security? I need to let “security” go.

This is in no way finished but I really have to go.

*I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I do believe in reincarnation. It’s something I rarely think about though.
————-
Off to do school work for one hour, then nap, then more school work.

I can’t change…even if I tried

snow
snow

I survived this storm. No power outage. The water only shut off for 12 hours. I think we got about 5 inches. My old college town got 14 inches!! wow. No more snow! Thanks 🙂

Weekly

Music for the week:  Nicole Atkins, A Great Big World,  Jennifer Nettles, Brandy Clark, Toni Braxton, Beyonce, Imagine Dragons, Amy Ray

TV for the week: basketball, House of Cards, curling @ the Olympics

People make fun of curling but it is a lot like chess. I hate slow sports like baseball and sometimes curling tests my patience but I still enjoy watching it.

Movie of the week: Blue Jasmine – Where do I begin? Why am I watching a Woody Allen movie? good question. I’m a hypocrite. I refuse to listen to R.Kelly’s music but I did watch a Woody film. Never again. This is the last time. R.Kelly was one of the first people I ever saw in concert. I was a huge fan. To give his music up was hard at first. Now I can’t stand him. I will no longer support Woody Allen movies either.

Oh, the movie was good, not great. I’ve been where Jasmine was. In fact I haven’t left. 😉

Book of the week: The Diet Trap: Feed Your Psychological Needs and End the Weight Loss Struggle Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by Jason Lillis

I have a few books I’m excited to start reading.

Goals for next week: Study for my mid-term.

———-

I’m finally  on Skype. #late. I just joined because my teacher is on there. But I haven’t chatted with her or anyone. I probably never will use it. I’m scared my family will find out I’m on there (through my email address). LOL.

All is well?

The  power went out @ 2am. There was a car accident two blocks away.  It was and still is freezing in my house. I think the power came back on around 10am (the power company left me a voicemail). I assumed that my heater would come back on when the power did. I thought I would be coming back to a somewhat warm house. NO. I was so worried about my kitty. She felt as cold as the house this morning.  My mom is not impressed with this little story. She went without heat for 5-6 days a couple of weeks ago. Who can blame me for being concerned about my cat? Even though she bit me Sunday night….grrr!

It is sleeting right now. I hope people won’t be driving tonight. I’ve lived in Virginia for quite a while. And we have never had this much snow. And it isn’t over. A woman from Jersey said “In New Jersey, these would have been clean and in much better shape.” See, that is the difference between snow up north and here. They expect it and prepare. We don’t. Sue me, I hate driving on ice. What a concept!

I have to do an hour or maybe 30 minutes (ha) of cleaning. Due to the weather, I haven’t had a chance to go to any stores. It is probably better this way. The last thing I need to do is buy random storage.

At work I got a good review. I’m self motivated (yep!) and dedicated (yep!) but I wanted a ‘works well unsupervised’. Did not get that. I’m used to getting that one because I do! Honestly, I wasn’t expecting her to say anything as good as she said.  Those compliments have no effort on the actual review. But even then, I did better than last year. The only reason why I got a higher than average review, is due to lack of my mistakes being caught. Where I work mistakes happen so I know I made some but I was lucky not to get caught.

I just have to keep it up. Oh, the ‘bad’ stuff. “Build relationships with coworkers”. ROFL. #1 Do I have a relationsip with anyone? #2  Um, these people have called me crazy since day one. I sat crying at my desk on the first day. It was brutal. It was K’s last day so she was happy go lucky. She held nothing back. They had obviously been talking about me prior to my first day. (I transferred from another department). I get that but to talk about me like that when I was sitting right there. LOL. That is not a good memory.

“I would talk to them but they have been calling me crazy since day one so….” I really wanted to say that. Btw, that is harassment and in some cases discrimination. I’ll just settle for harassment. It lasted for a year. Within the past 3 months, they have gotten word somehow that calling some crazy can lose your job….Otherwise why would they stop on their own. I was about to contact HR last week but without them using the “C” word out loud, what do I have? So unless something else happens the reporting it thing is done. I should have done it when it was happening daily. According to a lawyer, they probably would have gotten fired…

WHICH WAS NOT MY GOAL. I JUST WANTED THE HARRASSMENT TO STOP! So now they do subtle things. Things that can’t be reported. I missed my chance. What does this mean? Was this meant to be? I had a chance to stand up for myself but I didn’t. I’m not a tattle-tale. I hate tattle-tales. If it weren’t for the subtle shit they do, I would say “All is well that ends well” but things are not well….

I have to do unclutter my life. What fun!

don’t be nice to me

I posted most of the following from my “frustration journal”. I mostly post there by email from work. If I didn’t I would go insane. Now that wordpress has the email feature, I could email to this blog but I’m obsessed with tags…and I really don’t want to “junk” this journal up with multiple posts in one day. That only happens when I’m really ticked off. 🙂

Just wanted to set the scene. Typed from work 4 hours ago:

6:01 PM

so I’m still at work and not getting paid. I know salaried people do this all the time. I do feel bad for them sometimes especially in an economy like this. They probably add at least 10-20 hours due to layoffs. But they do get perks: (maybe higher pay, more vacation time and big bonuses). If I were salaried, I would be the person working 70 hours while the average was 55 hours. 10% to fill a void and 90% because I feel inadequate. How else can I keep a job if I don’t work 10x harder?

anyway, I’m only here because it is supposed to snow tonight and I may not be able to do more free work, um, I mean research tomorrow. I really hope it doesn’t snow. I want to go to The Container Store…I could probably go tonight but I don’t know when the snow will start. But driving on new snow isn’t a big deal. (edit: Just found out the nearest Container Store is 3 hours away and  they don’t have the big glass containers I wanted.)

In fact, I shouldn’t be typing this but I had to take a break. I’ve been here for since 8AM and I’m not done. I just had to get a little something off my chest:

I really can’t say what it is (lol) here or in my main journal. Let me just say that I can’t take people being nice to me even if they have ulterior motives (how paranoid!). I can’t take it. This is why people who are used to being abused/treated poorly keep going back for more. Once you are used to something, well it is comfortable b/c it is what you know.

well back to work. It better not be snowing now. I’m trying to leave by 6:30.

I ended up leaving at 7pm. No snow. So many surprises happened @ work today. Just when I was talking about ‘staying the same’, everything is changing. I will blog about it later. My cat wants me off the computer.

Hell sucks

Often, he felt completely unproductive. He sat, numb, panicking, but unable to take action. His behavior reminded him of a quote he once heard: “Hell is when things freeze.” He lived that hell often until a deadline was close, and he would galvanized to act. But the pain he felt was enormous.

from It’s Hard to Make a Difference When You Can’t Find Your Keys: The Seven-Step Path to Becoming Truly Organized

Yes I’m reading multiple books like I did in the old days. This book is by Marilyn Paul. I’ve had it on my bookshelf for about a year.  What is up with the 7 steps thing? I’m 100% (lol) committed to getting organized…even though I still can’t stand going into some rooms. 😉 I’m actually excited about one idea from Lowell’s book. I must get big glass containers for the cat food. One for the strays and one for my kitty. (Yes, they eat different food. My cat likes the stray cat food and thinks it is a treat but it makes her vomit – TMI).

I’m excited about that. That is the only thing I know I need – big glass containers oh, & a filing system. It is supposed to snow (as in stores will be closed) this weekend so I doubt I go shopping. I hope I get motivated to throw more stuff away and maybe clear a room.

I don’t wanna be snowed in. It was 60 degrees on Monday. wah. Speaking of snow……

It reminds me of hell. Seriously,, .”Hell is when things freeze”. I can relate but you must have faith, right? I have to go do stuff so I can find my keys in the morning.

hate being an earthling

I’m sad but what else is new?

lot of snow for one hour

We are supposed to get a foot of snow. I guess I’m not going to the library tomorrow OR work. I was just going to work a couple hours but oh well. If I don’t have to leave, I’m not. I’m glad I got my dog her xmas gift. But what about my cat? She is really picky and enjoys the toys she has so….I probably won’t get her anything. Bad pet mom.

I got bit in the ass by karma. Bad karma. I totally deserve it for breaking a rule. It isn’t work related (Thank da universe!).

Indulgence in vice… materialistic attractions never propel one towards success in life! Gaining materialistic comforts does not mean gaining success in life. Whatever our position in society today… whatever our material or materialistic accomplishments… at the time of death of body… that which manifests in next manifestation are our virtues… resulting from positive karma!

I shouldn’t care but I don’t understand how anyone can deny karma exists. If people are paying attention, they will see it in their lives everyday. Every time when someone says, “That’s what I get…” Karma! But people like to talk about undeveloped countries and death of “good” people to point out how karma can’t be real. *groan* Tired of that argument. And life on earth is hell. Death is a gift. I’m not going on a karma tangent.

————–
I don’t know about Jupiter, but shy people are the most misunderstood person on Earth. This is what fuels my anger, depression, anxiety etc. How would anyone feel if they are constantly being judged INCORRECTLY? Just because of something you can’t 100% control. (some do get less shy). Hell you would hate people too. Hate is a strong word but I’m highly annoyed by people especially when they are in groups. I know I’m not the only one…I just wish people would TRY to understand. Instead they use that energy to judge.

::exasperated::

30 years old, no relationship, no friends except for co-workers who laugh at me behind my back … There was a time that I tried to make friends and tried hard to fit in but I have stopped caring now.

Even if I had someone beside me I would worry all day that the person doesn’t really like me or put them off by not getting on with them as other girls do. Come to think of it, being alone is so much more comfortable than having to deal with the crap. So you see, there are pros and cons in both sides and I think the side I am in now is better. I really don’t care anymore except maybe on a Friday night

there are others out that. Hate reading those message boards. I feel helpless. 😦

A lot of people throughout my life have pointed out my lack of talking/quietness. I think they are simply bewildered at the thought of me showing no “real” personality. They have been around me for months, perhaps even years, and yet they don’t really know me, and they wonder, “can he really be this lifeless, this dull, and this uninspiring?”

Of course, the point of displaying such a lack of personality is so that it won’t be out there for someone to judge. If there is no real personality, then they can’t judge the real me.

But honestly, it doesn’t even matter if I WANTED to put my personality out there, because my body, mind, and soul have all learned that this is the best way to deal with things. To just shut down and be “lifeless.” Even though I am actually full of life, ideas, opinions, humor, etc. I squish it all down and don’t dare show it to anyone. If I try, then I am fighting what have ingrained into myself.

So I don’t want to be this lifeless drone trying to offend anyone, always being way too weak and unassertive, so I will of course fight it till whenever it is I overcome it or die. What I hope to accomplish is to at least not be defined by this quietness or “lack of personality.”

agree

I have experienced this at work. People say to my face, “Wow. You’re even quieter than _____ (another quiet person where I work).” I just get angry at that. What am I supposed to say to that?? I end up thinking people who make comments like this are rude. I get passive-aggressive and become even less talkative in their presence. “Screw them” is my general attitude. Another person at work made a comment about my demeanor, saying, “You’re so quiet!” I actually verbalized my feelings that time, saying, “Well, how do you expect me to act? You want me to be someone I’m not?”

If anyone wants to kill me for posting their quotes, feel free.