It doesn’t have to make sense

I’m freaking out. Should I be freaking out? Is someone playing a trick on me? How did my sister find my Instagram account? Does she know this blog exists? Should I delete or move my blog?

I haven’t posted anything on Instagram in at least 8 months. I hate Instagram. Hate it. I don’t log onto Instagram. I got a notice on my phone that she followed me. Her account is locked. So I sent a request back to follow her. I’m not getting back on Insta. If she accepts my request, I’ll just check her page, but I’m not checking the other people I ‘follow.’

My sister doesn’t have my cell phone number (unless someone gave it to her without my permission – no big deal if they did). NO ONE knows the email address I used to register with Insta. Not my mom or dad or anyone in my family. Hmmm. So I have no idea how she would find my Instagram. No, I don’t use my real name on any of my social media accounts.

So strange.  I have mentioned my Insta username on this blog ONCE. If she is reading this blog, I should stop going on about it, right? ROFL. I’ve never said anything bad about her. I don’t think. hahaha. I have done over 1,000 entries, so I can’t promise that I’ve NEVER said anything negative about her.

I have said bad things about other family members. This blog is about telling my truth (even when unpopular).

OMG. She just accepted my request on Insta! I’m scared to view her pics. But I’m going to do it. lol. I’m such a weirdo. What is going on? How did she find me? What if she finds my Twitter account? She probably already has, and that means she has found this blog.

Like I’ve said in the past…People reading this blog makes me nervous. I know I shouldn’t have a blog since people reading it freaks me out. I’m just strange.

Hi Sister,

If you are reading this, I have no idea what to say. Keep reading. I’m okay with that. I guess. I would just like to know how you found me. I’m a very curious person.

I don’t know what else to say. I wish we were closer. I don’t know what happened. It’s probably my fault.

I’m very shy and I have social anxiety so I’m not easy to get to know in person. Please remember that. I’m assuming I will see you at Christmas.

I admire you.

Love, (insert my name)

the wanderer

Maybe it is just me but it seems like everything is geared towards creative people. There are right brained people, left brained people, mixed people and maybe people who need a class? I’m torn. I just know that my life sucks. It’s like I woke up one day and realized it but surely, I’ve known this all along?? Hello, it is pretty obvious.

My sister makes short films and she travels the world. THE WORLD. She has been everywhere but Antarctica. (Side note: I’ve been obsessed with Antarctica from a young age…even though I hate the cold). She is one year older than me yet she has a life.She isn’t rich at all. Far from it. She doesn’t have social anxiety. So realistically it is dumb of me to even compare myself to her. I usually don’t compare myself to normal people because I just can’t. So stop. I can’t compare myself to others my age or even teenagers. LOL.

But seeing my sister’s life has inspired me to do…something. Unfortunately I can’t travel for many reasons. That is my ultimate dream. I know a job can be made out of it if you are creative. heh. But to me that is more of a hobby or maybe even a way of life for a lucky few.

I can’t travel the way I want to. (My dream places are Mexico, Greece, Bora Bora and San Francisco – in that order). But maybe I can….

Take a class! Oh fuck. Yeah, that isn’t ideal. A fun class. I have narrowed it down to a sewing class or a jewelry making class. The class is from 6:30-9 once a week. (Hate those hours – it better be fun). The cost is about $250 with materials. Sigh. I’m leaning towards metal jewelry making for the winter semester since I used to do that years ago. And I’m obsessed with jewelry. I would love to take the beginner’s sewing class one day.

However, if I suck at this jewelry making class – I’m done with this creative BS. DONE. Maybe I’m just meant to enjoy the arts not make stuff. I can’t imagine what takes 8 weeks to learn*. I hope I get to make more than one piece for all that time i put it in. But this is METAL jewelry making. So it is probably pretty cool. They offer a lot of classes but if I start thinking – lol- I will never make a choice.

*After researching metal jewelry making a little more, I can see why a lot of time is needed. I’m nervous about using some of those tools.

I’m supposed to be saving money. No more feather earrings, that’s for sure. 🙂 Plus I am taking a “real” class next semester. The money is due the first week of December. Thank g-d, it is only 2 credits. And that’s not all. There is an exercise class I want to take too. It is at another place. It costs about $200. Ouch! ………..

But am I a work all week and on Mondays do jewelry making all evening and then on Thursday do yoga once a week for about 90 minutes and then have a “real class” to deal with type of person??? I’m a homebody. I’m not used to being out of the house that much. On the weekends, I’m not going to want to go anywhere if I do all that but I will have to work OT if it is available.

I’m trying to not focus on how much all this will cost. I’m working OT this weekend and on “Black Friday”. And no, I will not be in a store on that Friday. But shhhh! I will be on to see if Dexter season 3 goes on sale. I will die DIE if it is $10. I will be forced to buy it. 😉

I’m just rambling aloud. Is class after class the life I want? That may be the only way I can find my passion. I just hate that it costs so much. Others just know and don’t have to go through all this. But it is supposed to be FUN. And it might be. I don’t know.

Well I’m going to take a nap and then I have a ton of school work to do. I’m behind for the first time this semester. Ick.

under pressure

FUCK. People = problems.

lol. My sister stopped talking to me over a decade ago. i was about 16/17. She’s a year older than me. She doesn’t live in the state. My mom has asked me twice to go to eat with them tomorrow morning. ARGH. I haven’t seen her in I don’t know how many years. And what are the chances I will TALK? So if I go it will be:

1. me sitting silently
2. possibly an awkward situation (you think?)
3. when do I leave

If I sit there silently, then it will haunt me FOREVER. The problem with social anxiety is, people always think it is about THEM. They think you don’t like them. I’m so over that. My dad came by about 3-4 years ago and he thought I hated him because I didn’t talk. I felt soooooo bad that I told him I had social anxiety in a letter! I’ve never told anyone that!

So say I go and say nothing? Who wins? What’s the point? Everyone will just feel crappy. It is easier for me to talk to a complete stranger (or C at work) then talk to this person I’m supposed to know. I don’t know her. She is outgoing. And I don’t have anything planned to say because she just invited me again today. I thought I was in the clear.

This is sorta a no win situation. My mom is nuts if she thinks I’m going to talk. I don’t talk around people I feel uncomfortable around. I feel like going just so she/they will stop inviting me. Or at least they know why I say “no”. Geez.

I can’t win. Winning for me would be not going because I know what is going to happen. THEY DON’T. I’d rather go to a family reunion where I could keep getting up and moving. But just sitting there. God. This sounds almost as bad as an job interview.

work: Some people at work act like we are a family where everything someone does is about them. weird.

Oh and they have info for me: If you start acting the way I want you to act, I will stop talking about you. LOL.

I don’t even want to go into their brains anymore. Quit reading shit on my desk. I don’t go anywhere near yours. I respect people’s boundaries. I have quotes on my desk to help me not be so emotional. The world is a stage. This is the only way I can operate in a social sitting. I’m trying not to go nuts, people.

If you don’t get that FINE. I’m over this social crap. You guys are playing a game and I don’t know the rules.
Michael Jackson: In hindsight I’m not shocked he died. I was hoping he would go to rehab again. I didn’t realize he was 50. He went to rehab for pain killers. Who doesn’t think he relapsed?? How much did he weigh?? hello?! I wonder did he ever have surgery. Performers/dancers are like athletes so them being addicted to pain meds is not shocking. Britney Spears had 2 knee surgeries before she had any kids. That is probably why she doesn’t dance like she used to. Either she can’t or she’s scared.

The news is still surreal. And I haven’t really grasped it. Every time someone says “MJ dead”, I sorta gasp as if I didn’t know. So it isn’t real to me. My first record was a Michael Jackson record from my dad. Sigh. 10 years ago, I would have been devastated. He was obviously painfully shy and probably had social anxiety. I connected with him as a person more than I did his music. Of course I loved his music too.

I hope he finds peace. Life wasn’t heaven on earth for him. He was so quiet and soft spoken.

I wish Neverland still existed so his life could live on that way. Fans could visit…and see his world. Imagine what it must have been like to give that up. At that point I knew it was “over” for him.

Yeah some of my love did die, over the confusion of the whole sexual molestation case but now I think he was asexual. An asexual person would not molest a child. There is no pleasure in sexual activities. But he is gone now and I hope no one got hurt.

o god, for the first time since the news of his passing, I’m getting teary eyed.

From Lisa Marie’s blog:

He was an amazing person and I am lucky to have gotten as close to him as I did and to have had the many experiences and years that we had together.

I desperately hope that he can be relieved from his pain, pressure and turmoil now.

He deserves to be free from all of that and I hope he is in a better place or will be.

I also hope that anyone else who feels they have failed to help him can be set free because he hopefully finally is.

The World is in shock but somehow he knew exactly how his fate would be played out some day more than anyone else knew, and he was right.

fav MJ songs: Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough, Rock With You, Remember The Time, Heal The World, Human Nature, This Time Around…etc. 🙂