What I Pretend to Be

I had another test for my mysterious illness. It was $200. What if it’s like everything else and shows nothing? I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of taking time off from work to go to the doctor. I’m sick of not being able to eat and drink most things. I’m sick of losing weight.

I should find out the test results next Friday. I hope the doctor finds something. Or I might have to get a colonoscopy. I am 100% against this. LOL. I’ll find out soon about this.

I’m listening to a class on taxes as I type this. Since I have a day job, I hope my business won’t make me owe taxes. Unfortunately, due to debt consolidation, I won’t be able to do my taxes until late March. I’m using Quickbooks and Turbo Tax for taxes this year. I forgot that there is a self-employment tax in addition to income taxes. AHHHH!

I want to make more money in my business this year, but I’m not looking forward to paying taxes.

About a week ago, I was excited for the first time in a while. I had something to look forward to. I was planning to quit my day job in 2024 and moving to Mexico. However, I’ve done all the research, and I won’t take my dog to Mexico.* I refuse. So I’m stuck in this shithole country. Bummer. But not for long. I will move to Mexico (probably Oaxaca City – but I’m not sure) one day.

*Mexico is not bad for dogs. Lots of people move to Mexico with their dogs. But I refuse to drive in Mexico for many reasons and I’m not doing the airplane thing with my dog.

So I’m back to living for nothing and hustling for nothing. I had to hustle this week, and I’m still not done. I’ve been working my ass off, and what do I have to show for it? NOTHING. This is too depressing to think about.

Nothing to see here. My physical and mental health suck. The end.

GOOD NEWS: My aunt was released from the hospital. She had COVID and stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks.

Current events: Oh, who cares? We get a new shitty president in a few days. Seriously, I will hate him less if he does a good vaccine rollout (and I think he will). But the other things he’s proposing? I just can’t. He’s going to be bad for progressives. The centrists will love him. Most of them probably don’t watch the news and think Nancy Pelosi is a good leader.

This week I…

Music of the week: Joss Stone, Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift, Ellie Goulding, Mariah Carey, Rachel Platten, Ed Sheeran, Ingrid Michaelson

TV of the week:  This is Us, The Crown

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Truth and Justice, True Crime Garage, The Astrology Podcast

Books of the Week: This year I’ve decided I want to read more. Instead of working, I now take at least 45 minutes to read before bed. I hope I can keep this up. I’ve finished three books so far. I don’t normally read fiction, but I’m trying that too with mixed results.

I finished Lying Next to Me by Gregg Olson.  Fiction. 3.5 stars out of 5. It’s a thriller. It could have been better. If you’re bored and like thrillers, you’ll be okay with this book.

I finished Death’s Awakening (Eternal Sorrows Book 1) by Sarra Cannon Ummm. This is definitely not my usual genre. It has zombies. ROFL. It was okay. Another 3.5 stars out of 5. I might consider reading the next book, but I’m not sure. It’s not available at the library, so I would have to pay $4 for it. I enjoyed some of it, but I’m not really into fantasy.

Dear Martin by Nic Stone was my favorite read of 2021 (so far). Martin is Martin Luther King. The main character occasionally writes letters to him. The book is about racial justice…if I had to sum it up. It’s so good. It’s hard to explain what’s good about it. If you like social justice topics and fiction, you will probably love this book. I’m on the waitlist for book two of this series. Can’t wait.

I’m reading two more books, but I’ll mention them when I finish them.

Weekend Plans: WORKING. I will take Sunday off. I have nothing planned. I might get some reading done. I just want a week off to do nothing. That will probably never happen for me. I need stress relief. I’ll stop rambling and take my dog for a quick walk.

Thanks for reading. Have a good weekend/week. 🙂

Happy fucking 2021!

My aunt with MS and a lot of other health issues is in the hospital with COVID. I don’t want to hear anything about how great 2021 will be. It’s just another day. I don’t mark my time in years anyway.

Who the fuck has a good year? 12 whole months of goodness? I made a lot of money in my business this year. I surpassed my goals. However, I didn’t make a lot of money at my job. My net income was less than $24K.

Edit: I guess I should say I made a lot in my business FOR ME. It was about $5K. I will probably post the exact amount sometime in the future. Considering that I’m brand new and don’t know what I’m doing….$5,000 isn’t bad for year one of a business. Plus, I’m working full-time, so less time for the business.

And I got sick in July. Really sick. I’m still sick. I still don’t know what’s wrong. Anytime I get a day off work, I have to go to the doctor. I haven’t been able to get a mammogram because I have to figure out why I lost 19 pounds in less than 6 months.

I weigh between 117 and 118. I think that’s underweight for my height. Gaining weight is hard. It’s even harder when you can’t eat anything. I’m so sick of searching for smoothies and it’s all healthy shit.

I will probably get a colonoscopy. What else am I supposed to do? Die? I’m not happy about having to pay for it. The cost without anesthesia is $280. By the time, I add the anesthesia, medicine, transportation, it could end up at $500.

Happy fucking 2021! The shit doesn’t end for me. Maybe it does for others. Still sick. Still stressed out. I’m probably burned out. I worked enough to be burned out. That’s for sure. What do I have to show for it? I paid some medical bills.

If my aunt dies, I’m going to be pissed off.

My dad got hit by a car. He is supposed to go to court for jaywalking (ROFL – sorry, but that’s a joke), but I doubt he goes. He fractured his leg and had to have surgery. He is recovering now.

Current Events: Fuck all these politicians. Bernie Sanders might get a pass this week. But no one else!!

This week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Patty Griffin, Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, Kari Jobe, Sara Bareilles, Selena Gomez, Tupac

TV of the week: Dexter, This is Us

Podcasts of the week:  Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch

Books of the Week: John Wayne Gacy: Defending a Monster: The True Story of the Lawyer Who Defended One of the Most Evil Serial Killers in History by Sam Amirante I finished this book last week. This is probably the best book I read this year.

Lying Next to Me by Gregg Olson

Death’s Awakening (Eternal Sorrows Book 1) by Sarra Cannon

I’m trying fiction. I don’t know how this will go.

Weekend Plans: I am off NYE and New Year’s Day from my day job (RARE!!!) I worked on business stuff today. I’m taking Friday and Sunday off. I’m thinking about going to the sauna on Sunday, but I don’t want to leave my house. LOL. I already have to go grocery shopping on Saturday. The sauna is nice, but I have to think about it more. One of my clients gave me an extra $200 for Christmas!! (and I don’t even celebrate it) I can’t think of anything to spend it on. So $35 at the sauna sounds like a good way to spend a little money.

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend. Relax. 🙂

I will be found

I’m now 120 pounds. I no longer have jeans that fit. My comfortable weight is 135. I’ve lost 16 pounds since July and only my therapist seems to give a damn.

I made an appointment with my GI doctor. I hope it’s not a waste of time or money. I have to write down all my concerns. I will forget otherwise. WTF is wrong with me? The medicine seems to have almost stopped working. I’m still taking it for now.

If my GI doctor is a worthless piece of shit, I’m going back to the other shithead – my PCP. She’s always late and she’s not going to do anything.

What am I supposed to do? Get down to 100 pounds and then what? Go to the ER? In a pandemic. I’ll pass. I think I’ll just die at home. Slow, painful death. Whatever it takes.

Some of this could be due to stress. These past two weeks have been EXTREMELY stressful. Most of it is due to my job. My freelance customers are getting on my nerves too. But I’m indebted to some of them. I have seven clients. (!!) I emailed one and told her not to give me any work until after December 21, so I have one less person to worry about.

I was thinking about taking an FMLA leave from work, but that is nonpaid and fuck it, I can’t afford that! Thanks to fucking Sears. Assholes. And Joe Biden for making it harder to file for bankruptcy. How can anyone support a person who sides with corporations?

Why am I so stressed out? Because my job is stressful and I’m working all the time. I have to. I can’t even “get another job” because I had to borrow from my 401K to pay bills about two years ago. If I quit, I owe that money back immediately.

So that’s that. I took Thanksgiving day off. It was awesome. Unfortunately, I starting feeling sick and stressed out almost immediately after.

I’m thinking about taking Sundays off from working. If I were healthy, I wouldn’t be doing this, but I feel like I have to take one day off a week. What if I’m suffering from burnout? Taking a day off may be helpful. Fuck it.

Sorry for the outburst. I’m stressed out. I’m not as stressed as I was on Wednesday. On Tuesday, I was sick, so I couldn’t work on my freelance stuff. Then Wednesday at work was extremely stressful.

Stress. Anxiety. Depression. This is where I am, but I have to work. No one is going to save me. I don’t have anyone. Health care is tied to employment, which is the worst thing about America. And no one is trying to change that. Well, no one in power is. I just tweeted that I can’t believe I voted for any of these assholes in Congress. They are worthless pieces of shit.

Random: I got the semi-famous client. MORE WORK FOR ME. Yay? I can feel the stress eating up my stomach.

Current events: Oh, god. Biden’s cabinet is horrid. I just can’t. I don’t want diversity in terms of gender and race. I like the diversity of thought. Do you think I care if it’s all white men if they do the right thing? I don’t care. Just do something. CHANGE something. For fucks sake. But Biden is who I thought he was. Nothing has changed. He is…Biden.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ariana Grande, Ellie Goulding, John Mayer, Taylor Swift, Mariah Carey, Sam Smith, Selena Gomez, Rachel Platten

TV of the week: Dexter

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, True Crime Garage, Missing Maura Murray

Books of the week:

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love by Susan Jeffers

Mindhunter: Inside the FBI’s Serial Crime Unit by John Douglas (Good, but the cases start running together. It’s a long book. Still recommend.)

Weekend Plans: I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow. I haven’t been to the store in a month. Since I can’t eat much, it’s hard doing a grocery list. But I have one. Then I’m working the rest of the day. Hopefully, on Sunday I can take the whole day off.

Thanks for reading my rants. Have a nice weekend/week. 🙂

Nothing compares

Biden is already pissing me off. At least wait until you get in office, dude. And asking people for money during a pandemic is a bad look. He wants money for his transition. He has plenty of billionaire friends. Ask them! Not the public. NOT RIGHT NOW. And he’s not clear enough on his economic plan. I think I know why, but UGH. So annoyed…already.

Biden and his supporters are nothing but moderate Republicans. What’s the difference between a Biden Democrat and a Republican? The Biden Democrat is pro-choice.

No, I’m not calling all people who voted for Biden “Biden supporters.” A lot of his votes were anti-Trump votes. They would have voted for a tomato. They hated Trump. Which is understandable. LOL.

The Biden faction of the Democratic party is why I’m no longer a Democrat. Centrists ruin everything. They don’t want change. They want to keep the status quo. HOW IS THAT WORKING OUT? I just want to strangle some sense into them, but they are stuck in some weird time warp. I can’t with these people. It’s better and easier to try not to understand them.

I had to get that out first. That probably won’t be my last pissed off Biden rant.

My CT scan came back unremarkable, which sounds good, but it isn’t. I wanted an ANSWER. I have none. Why am I sick? Why can’t I eat? One good thing is that someone told me they had a hiatial hernia, and it slowly went away! Say what? I hope that happens to me. She was also 14 when she had her hernia. I’m way older than that. LOL.

The medicine I’m on to be able to eat is not supposed to be taken long term. I’m worried the doctor won’t refill my prescription. I stopped taking the medicine for ten days and the results weren’t good. I could only eat once a day.

Sigh. So still sick, but I’m able to eat about 1,200 to 1,500 calories a day. It’s bland food for the most part, but I don’t think I’m losing any more weight.

Good news – My car passed state inspection!!! Whew. What a relief. I was worried about car repair bills.

I have a call with a potential client on Sunday. She is kind of a big deal. She’s famous in her field. Yes, I already “know” her. This is scary. I hope we can work something out. She wasn’t clear on exactly what she needs, which is so annoying btw. It’s your business; you should know what you need.

This week I…

Music of the week: Sara Bareillis, Lissie, Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande, James Arthur, Ellie Goulding, Emily James, Tori Kelly

TV of the week: Trial 4 (so good!)

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, True Crime Garage, Missing Maura Murray, Generation Why, CounterClock

Books of the week:

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love by Susan Jeffers (One of my favorite nonfiction books of all time).

The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt by Russ Harris (Read this book in 2013. Time for a reread).

Weekend Plans: Client work, of course. I hate my business website, so if I’m not swamped with work over Thanksgiving, I’m going to start redoing my site. I think I will have time because most of my clients will probably take Thanksgiving off. I’m going to try to enjoy next week because after that, I know I will have work with at least one client.

Thanks for reading. I’m going to bed now. Have a nice weekend/week. 🙂

Stuck in my mind

I have a hernia. Everyone then asks, “are you having surgery”? Thanks for asking! NOT. The doctor didn’t mention surgery. I’m on medication. I’m supposed to be swallowing the tablet, of course. But I can’t, so I’ve been crushing it. I hope that doesn’t cause more harm.

I did try EVERYTHING to get another medication, but no one gave a shit, so I have to take this. I stopped drinking coffee and soda (!!) on the same day I started the medicine, so I have no idea what’s working. Was it the coffee making me sick? I know on at least two days I got really sick right after drinking coffee. But other days were just fine.

So no more diet Mountain Dew or coffee for me. I’m scared to eat regular food like pizza or a hamburger. I can’t afford to be sick. I don’t have sick days at work. Besides, I hate being sick, so why risk it? But eventually I will have a burger (not fast food – from the grocery store). I have to test it.

The doctor told me I have to get an ultrasound of my stomach. I have a day off in about 3 weeks, so I will get it then. What more can there be? Don’t answer that. Isn’t a hernia bad enough? I just hope I don’t have to get another endoscopy. Hiring a driver and the anesthesia is too much. I will try alternative medicines like herbs before I get another endoscopy. If I get really sick, I will get one.

Speaking of being sick…I haven’t been sick in 9 days which is a record!! I’ve been sick since July. Not once have I gone 9 days without feeling sick. Um, is it the medicine, or not drinking coffee and soda? A combination? I don’t mind not drinking soda as much. But I do miss drinking coffee.

UberEats sent me a $20 off coupon (perfect timing! LOL) since I haven’t used them in about three years. Of course, I can’t eat 95% of the food they offer, but I’m going to order a tuna sandwich for lunch and a chicken breast and broccoli for dinner today. I might have to cut everything in half and save the rest. I’m ordering from Wawa. I’ve never had food from there, but I don’t think their servings are enormous like restaurants.

What else? The debt consolidation place claims I have legal representation. My court date is October 5. I’m not going to court. If I think about it too much, I get nervous. This sucks! I’m just supposed to do nothing???? Okay. I’m going to call them in a few days to make sure. I just don’t want my paycheck garnished. I would be pissed!

I’m mailing my absentee ballot in today. I really don’t care enough to take it to some place else. Sorry. Not really. I heard there is a way you can track the ballot to see if they got it, but I haven’t opened my ballot yet. I’m not looking forward to voting, but at least I don’t have to do it in line on Election Day. I consider that a win. So many people are paranoid about their ballot and I’m like whatever, yo!

This week I…

Music of the week: Rachel Platten, Ariana Grande, Carly Rae Jepsen, Alicia Keys, Jussie Smollett, Victory, Ed Sheeran, Ellie Goulding

TV of the week:  Big Brother, The Wrong Man

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines, Tara Brach, Cousins by Blood, Paper Ghosts, 48 Hours, Morally Indefensible, Limitless Life

Books of the week: 

I finished Too Much and Never Enough: How my Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man by Mary Trump. Decent book. I wouldn’t recommend it because of what she says about Trump. Most of the stuff in the book is obvious. I wrote a blog saying most of what she did just by studying Trump’s astrology chart. So nothing new there, but it was still a good read.

I also finished reading Chakra Healing: A Beginner’s Guide to Self-Healing Techniques that Balance the Chakras by Margarita Alcantara. I had a short reiki section last week, and the practitioner was spot on. She knew what I had been repeating in my head about work. She used the exact word I used! It was amazing. Anyway, she told me my solar plexus chakra was blocked. That’s where my hernia is!! I got some excellent tips from this book. 

Now that we don’t have mandatory overtime, I have a little bit of time to read. I will be going back to audiobooks soon. I can listen to those while I’m working.

Weekend Plans: I was supposed to do yoga outside this morning, but it’s raining a little. So to force myself NOT to work, I decided to blog here. I still have work to do this weekend for my clients. I will force myself to get off the computer a little this weekend. I’m either going to fill out my ballot now or work. I will probably get voting out of the way.

Thanks for reading. Have a good week. 🙂

Decide the words I say

My clients are driving me crazy. But I’m setting them straight…one by one. They don’t know I’ve been sick since July. However, asking someone to spend their Thursday night on your video editing project with about 2 hours notice (!!) is NUTS. Who does that?? “I’m sending you over a video, can you edit it tonight?”

It was a weeknight. Also, I have other clients. Why should I do your shit on short notice? Anyway, I told her to give me at least 3 days in the future for video editing stuff. I hate editing videos. It slows my computer down and I have to spend 2 hours straight only working on that. Grr! Apparently, she has a lot of video she wants me to edit. Great.

She went 3 weeks without giving me anything to do, so I guess she figures she can use me for anything. And the client I fired for not paying? She’s back!! So, I’m back to having four clients again.

I’m so tired and so sick. I called into sick to work on Friday. Thank god we didn’t have mandatory overtime this past week. My therapist thinks all this working is making me sick. It’s not helping. That’s for sure. I had to cancel time off scheduled for next week, so I could get paid for Friday. We don’t have sick time.

I have my endoscopy on Monday at 7AM. I need answers. I was nervous about the anesthesia, but I think I’ll be okay if my therapist described the process right. I’ve never been under anesthesia before. I have my ride scheduled. I really hope this solves the problem because I don’t want to have to pay $150 for another ride. If I need another procedure, I’m going to wait until October.

I NEED FUCKING ANSWERS!

And the summons from the credit company still hasn’t been resolved. So I guess I’m filing bankruptcy on October 1. This sucks. I can’t even worry about this anymore, because I’m always sick or working!

Current events? Who has time to even be concerned about the news when they’re dealing with all this shit. I only care about the NBA Finals a little. I don’t care about Biden or Trump. I do care about the wildfires and think about that everyday. Anyway…caring about the big news is not a privilege I have right now. Hopefully, I can get back to that soon.

This week I…

Music of the week: Ellie Goulding, Taylor Swift, Grace Potter, Ariana Grande, H.E.R, Bishop Briggs, Jessie Ware, Lauren Daigle

TV of the week:  Big Brother, 13 Reasons Why

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines, Joyce Meyer, The Teacher’s Pet

Books of the week: I finished reading You are the Guru: 6 Messages to Help You Through Difficult Times With Difficulty and Faith by Gabrielle Bernstein. 5 Stars. I need to listen to this again this weekend. So good and helpful.

I’m also listening to Too Much and Never Enough: How my Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man by Mary Trump. I’ve never managed to finish a book about Trump, but I think I’ll finish this one. I’m on chapter eight. It’s good so far. Nothing shocking yet, though.

Weekend Plans: Well, I unexpectedly slept a lot today. I’m so glad I didn’t have to work. I did work for my clients, of course, but it wasn’t much. Tomorrow I will try my best to have a regular work day so I won’t get behind.

I also have to get ready for my endoscopy. I have to read the rules again, but I don’t think there is anything major I have to do. I just have to get up at 5AM on Monday which isn’t that different from a normal Monday. I hope everything works out.

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend/week. 🙂

Walk through fire

I don’t have much to say. I’ve worked 100 hours in two weeks for my full-time job in the past two weeks. That doesn’t count the hours of freelance work I’m doing.

I’m still sick. This sucks. I’m getting an endoscopy on September 14th at 6:30 AM. I have to pay a company about $150 because I have no one to sit with me who can drive. Woe is fucking me! What if I have to get a colonoscopy because the endoscopy doesn’t show anything? I’ll have to pay the $150 again. This doesn’t include the cost of the procedure which is probably 20% of the charge for me.

I hope I don’t have to get a colonoscopy. My uncle died from stage 4 colon cancer.

I’m not vomiting much anymore. But I still can’t eat much. I can eat at least once a day. I have stomach pain, nausea and light headaches.

Oh! This isn’t all. You thought that is all I had to bitch about? I WISH. I got a summons/warrent for credit card debt. Yipee! I’m not just dealing with working an insane amount and being really sick – I also have a court date. WOW. Someone really loves me.

I’m ignoring the summons for now. The court date isn’t until October 15. I could let them garnish my wages. Or I could try to come up with an agreement. This credit card company is supposed to be part of my debt consolidation, but the company didn’t take care of them yet. So guess who has to deal with it? ME. Not fucking Sally. ME.

Everything falls on ME. Don’t have a ride to your endoscopy? Cancel it or scramble around all week to find some stranger to take you. Exhausted? Sick? Who gives a shit. I’M going to work 50 hours a week (not counting my freelance work) for you. I did the right thing and enrolled in debt consolidation. Who got a summons? ME.

I don’t want to hear about fucking Sally and how she’s living through a pandemic. She doesn’t even have kids to homeschool. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE LIVING THROUGH? Sally will be fine. She’s not sick. She might not even have to work for the man. She has housing. She has food. She doesn’t have a summons. She has people to take her to an endoscopy. Screw Sally!!

Okay, I have PTSD and the pandemic didn’t affect me that much because I can handle shit like this. Sally doesn’t have PTSD? SAY WHAT?

I’ll try to be nice to Sally because she’s living through the pandemic. Seriously, WTF? Add more to that plate Sally.

Did I just go on a rant? Yes.

I don’t want to talk about current events this week. Blah.

This week I…

Music of the week: Yola, Emily James, Ellie Goulding, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, James Arthur, Sounds of Blackness, Rachel Platten

TV of the week:  Big Brother, 13 Reasons Why

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines, Serial, Gone Cold, The Lowe Post

Books of the week: I finished reading Atomic Habits by James Clear. It’s a decent book if you really want to start a new habit.

Weekend Plans: Well, today is Sunday. I worked almost all day yesterday. Today is mostly a day off. I have a few freelance things to do. I just hope I don’t have to work 50 hours at my day job next week AGAIN. I know we will be forced to work at least 45 hours which is much better than 50 hours.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week.

How to lose 7 pounds in 5 weeks

Or so. I don’t know how long I’ve been sick. I have this blog and an online private blog that no one can read. I probably need to look at dates to figure out when I really got sick. Of course, I thought it was only temporary. But it wasn’t!

Here we are. AND I’M STILL SICK! Sigh. This sucks. Of course, this was the week I was forced to work 10 hours of overtime which is complete bullshit. I have never been treated so bad by this company. I’ve been there for 15 years and this is the worse!!

Do you think I would still be there if it had been horrible for 15 years???! I’m a Taurus, so maybe. I dunno.

I saw a random doctor via Telehealth on Thursday. She said it’s probably not COVID. She also said I didn’t seem stressed which is complete bullshit. A Taurus never seems stressed. You have to REALLY piss off a Taurus to see them stressed or angry. We hide our feelings and our disdain. I thought that was funny. In fact, I laughed when she said that.

Anyway…she said it could be gallbladder or diabetes related. She also said it could be anything. LOL. Thanks. I think it’s my gallbladder. Bummer. What if I have to have surgery? I’ve never had surgery. Stop freaking me out!

As far as diabetes, my glucose levels are fine so even though it runs in my family, I don’t think it’s that. I have another Telehealth appointment on Tuesday with my PCP. She will probably refer me to get an ultasound for my gallbladder.

I have no idea why Telehealth keeps getting capitalized. It’s BS. I’m not changing it.

I feel like shit right now. I’m working crazy hours. One client hasn’t paid me which is fine because then I can let her go. I don’t like doing her work. I don’t mind uploading her blog posts and making it look nice, but everything else is not what I enjoy doing. It would be nice to be paid though.

Fuck. What a privilege it is to not have to work for money. I am not talking about people receiving disability. If I lived in another country, I could receive disability. I have the receipts. Anyhow, I just want to make that clear.

I’m talking about people with partners and well off parents. etc. There are people that don’t have to work for money. What a nice life. While some of us are vomiting while working. Yes, that was me these past two weeks. I envy them. But that’s not my life and I need to get over it.

Current events 2020: I applied for my mail in ballot two weeks ago. Whatever about the president. (Okay, I hope Trump loses). I’m concerned with the local stuff. If I have to vote in person, I will. I think we can start voting in person in about a month. I don’t want to do have to do that, but I will. I’ll take my mom too. She also applied for her mail in ballot. So we’ll see.

I listened to a lot of the Democratic National Convention via PBS the day after the event occurred. I couldn’t listen to Biden. Bleh. I missed Sanders. I heard Warren, Kamala, Jill Biden and Obama. It was well done. I probably will listen to the Republican one, but not if it’s too stressful. For god sakes, I avoided BIDEN. How the hell am I going to listen to Republicans? Good point. 😉

Centrists are destroying everything. I hate them. I guess I shouldn’t say hate, but ugh, they ruin everything. And they are just there…not doing shit. Okay, I’ve never protested but I have severe social anxiety. I want to protest how we are dealing with COVID. Fuck. I want to protest everything.

I’m going to start giving back to the Innocence Project once my money is more consistent. When I wasn’t making much, I donated $12 a month. I stopped when I ran out of money and had to cancel EVERYTHING. If I can find a more local charity – great. But I like their work. I don’t agree with how they handle everything, but I value 95% of their work.

If Trump “successfully” steals this election, there should be mayhem in the streets. I might even join if I’m not sick and working.

This week I…

Music of the week: Danielle Bradbury, Ellie Goulding, Marren Morris, Miranda Lambert, Jessie James Decker, Lauren Alaina, Maddie & Tae, Mariah Carey

Lot of country music this week. It just sorta happened.

TV of the week:  Big Brother, 13 Reasons Why

Podcasts of the week: Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines, Fresh Air, Serial, It Was Simple

Books of the week: Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chodron

…and two other books by Pema Chodron that I’m too lazy to link to.

Weekend Plans: Well, I have to work 7 hours tomorrow. I’ll probably get up at 7 and start work at 7:30. Then on Sunday, I’m going grocery shopping because I can’t eat any of the food I have!! I’m buying 5 cans of chicken noodle soup. That should last until I go back to the store on September 6. Since COVID, I try to only go to the store once a month. I was doing Instacart because I was feeling like shit, but that’s expensive. I’d rather put gas in my car (which I haven’t needed to do in about 2 months), and just go to the store.

Instacart is great for people with the resources, but when I’m not sure what I can eat and I keep wanting to get food delivered because I’m not feeling well…it’s BAD.

Have a nice weekend. Thanks for reading. 🙂

Start Where You Are

I took a COVID test. Kind of. Argh! I was too terrified to go to a doctor because I knew they would stick that shit up my nose, so I went to a CVS Minute Clinic where I put the stick up my own nose. The problem? I didn’t stab it up my nose that much because FUCK, why would I do that?

I wish the COVID test was a blood draw. I don’t have a problem with needles, but I’m not sticking shit up my nose. So the test might be a complete waste. I took the test last Saturday. No results yet.

I’ve been sick for at least 15 days. Probably more. I just started eating somewhat normally yesterday, but today I didn’t eat dinner. So I’m still not feeling well.

If it weren’t for my therapist, I would have NEVER gotten a COVID test. She basically said I looked like shit when I had my appointment on July 31. I was so used to eating only once a day at that point that I didn’t even feel that weird. She convinced me that I should go to CVS and swab my own nose.

I don’t know what’s wrong. I just know I’ve never been sick this long in my life. NEVER. If it’s not COVID, then um, I dunno what’s wrong. I don’t want to go to the doctor again. I’m pretty much okay as long as I drink sugar free Gatorade and eat once a day. Why didn’t anyone tell me Gatorade (even the sugar free version) is so good???! My therapist told me. This past appointment was probably the most helpful session ever. Drink Gatorade! Yes, ma’am.

What else? Work sucked on Thursday. I’m only working 3 days next week. I’m off on Thursday and Friday. My goal is too remain focused and do the best 3 days of work I’ve ever done. I’m probably going to ask too many questions, but whatever. I’m new to this work and the support is okay, but it could be better.

My freelance work was okay this week. I have 4 clients, but I managed to get a week off from one client so that was great. I get one week a month off from her. She’s a therapist in New York.

I have one complaint about a client. She thinks I’m a website designer or something! Yes, I know Squarespace. That’s easy. (So is Wix). But WordPress.Org is hard. I did what she wanted about an hour ago, but ugh! I have my new website on WordPress.Org and oh my, Squarespace is so much easier. But I’ve dumped so much money into WordPress, so I’m sticking with them for myself.

It’s Saturday morning. Midnight. I went to sleep for 6 hours (!!) after my day job and now my schedule is all messed up. I will try to get to bed by 2AM. I think I’m going to work on my freelance website, after I finish blogging this since I’ve done most of my work.

Gotta go. All I have to say about current events is that I need to get my absentee ballot. I want it in the mail by September.

This week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Ellie Goulding, JoJo, Rachel Platten, Ariana Grande, Mariah Carey, Robyn, Ashanti

TV of the week:  Big Brother, Little Fires Everywhere

Little Fires Everywhere isn’t great, but I recommend it to Gen X and maybe millennials for the 90s references. I can’t keep up with the generations. Anyway, who remembers YM magazine? That was my favorite. I even had a subscription!

Podcasts of the week:  Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Undisclosed, The JJ Redick Podcast, The Lowe Post, Up and Vanished, Unlocking Us, Crimelines, 1619, The Astrology Podcast, Why is This Happening,

I have a lot of time to listen to podcasts while working. 😉

Books of the week: Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chodron

Weekend Plans:  It’s 12:33 AM on Saturday morning. I wish I was tired enough to go to bed. I will probably work on my website for a bit and then get in bed. This weekend I have freelance work and I’m working on own stuff. I always have to be in marketing or making mode, so I can have income coming in.  

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend and week. 🙂

Dry heat

I got my period for the first time in a year a week ago. Who was super pissed? ME. Fuck the patriarchy. I don’t need a period. I know all these women are so in love with their periods. Or that is a newish trend. But I think it’s bullshit. I don’t need a period. I don’t want a period. Why am I on birth control in the first place????!

I have to schedule an appointment with my ob/gyn. That’s the only way I can keep getting birth control. I will probably go in September. I’m trying to get three days off straight. So I’ll see what my new boss says. I have no idea how they do time off.

Oh, I forgot I better schedule a mammogram before they get on me about that. I will do that with time off in October.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in 1 hour. This should be interesting. I’m trying to get off Lexapro. It was good to me for years, but now my body hates it. It makes me too tired.

I’m overworking. What else is new? I had to tell one client I was sick today and I am. I can’t keep any food down. 😦 I’ve been sick for 3 or so days. I finally ordered some medicine, but it’s not coming until tomorrow. blah.

Anyway, at least I know what’s causing me to be tired. So should I cancel my sleep appointment? I probably should cancel. The appointment is Wednesday, so I have to cancel on Monday.

I’m still wondering whether I should hire someone. My work is kind off inconsistent, but it’s becoming more consistent each week which is good, but I’m not sure I NEED to hire someone.

I hit my income goal for July. That’s good news, but I also worked 7 days a week. So….

Politics/Current Events 2020: I probably will vote for Biden even though I live in Virginia and I don’t have to. But since I’m voting anyhow, I may as well vote for president. I need to get my absentee ballot and mail it in 3 weeks early. I want to make sure my vote counts. Not for the presidency…but for the other stuff on our ballot.

This week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, The Chicks, Ellie Goulding, Keith Urban, Miranda Lambert, Aretha Franklin, Ariana Grande, Carrie Underwood

TV of the week:  Cheer

The fact that people can watch Cheer on Netflix and not talk about concussions in sports says everything you need to know about America’s sports fans. I’m truly disturbed.

Podcasts of the week:  Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Abraham Hicks, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie, Pod Save America, The JJ Redick Podcast, The Lowe Post

Books of the week: Call Me God: The Untold Story of the DC Sniper Investigation by a bunch of people

Weekend Plans: Today is Sunday. My body wouldn’t let me work as much as I wanted, so SIGH. I have two appointments tonight. I will try to fit some work in.

Thanks for reading! Have a good week. 🙂