Start Where You Are

I took a COVID test. Kind of. Argh! I was too terrified to go to a doctor because I knew they would stick that shit up my nose, so I went to a CVS Minute Clinic where I put the stick up my own nose. The problem? I didn’t stab it up my nose that much because FUCK, why would I do that?

I wish the COVID test was a blood draw. I don’t have a problem with needles, but I’m not sticking shit up my nose. So the test might be a complete waste. I took the test last Saturday. No results yet.

I’ve been sick for at least 15 days. Probably more. I just started eating somewhat normally yesterday, but today I didn’t eat dinner. So I’m still not feeling well.

If it weren’t for my therapist, I would have NEVER gotten a COVID test. She basically said I looked like shit when I had my appointment on July 31. I was so used to eating only once a day at that point that I didn’t even feel that weird. She convinced me that I should go to CVS and swab my own nose.

I don’t know what’s wrong. I just know I’ve never been sick this long in my life. NEVER. If it’s not COVID, then um, I dunno what’s wrong. I don’t want to go to the doctor again. I’m pretty much okay as long as I drink sugar free Gatorade and eat once a day. Why didn’t anyone tell me Gatorade (even the sugar free version) is so good???! My therapist told me. This past appointment was probably the most helpful session ever. Drink Gatorade! Yes, ma’am.

What else? Work sucked on Thursday. I’m only working 3 days next week. I’m off on Thursday and Friday. My goal is too remain focused and do the best 3 days of work I’ve ever done. I’m probably going to ask too many questions, but whatever. I’m new to this work and the support is okay, but it could be better.

My freelance work was okay this week. I have 4 clients, but I managed to get a week off from one client so that was great. I get one week a month off from her. She’s a therapist in New York.

I have one complaint about a client. She thinks I’m a website designer or something! Yes, I know Squarespace. That’s easy. (So is Wix). But WordPress.Org is hard. I did what she wanted about an hour ago, but ugh! I have my new website on WordPress.Org and oh my, Squarespace is so much easier. But I’ve dumped so much money into WordPress, so I’m sticking with them for myself.

It’s Saturday morning. Midnight. I went to sleep for 6 hours (!!) after my day job and now my schedule is all messed up. I will try to get to bed by 2AM. I think I’m going to work on my freelance website, after I finish blogging this since I’ve done most of my work.

Gotta go. All I have to say about current events is that I need to get my absentee ballot. I want it in the mail by September.

This week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, Ellie Goulding, JoJo, Rachel Platten, Ariana Grande, Mariah Carey, Robyn, Ashanti

TV of the week:  Big Brother, Little Fires Everywhere

Little Fires Everywhere isn’t great, but I recommend it to Gen X and maybe millennials for the 90s references. I can’t keep up with the generations. Anyway, who remembers YM magazine? That was my favorite. I even had a subscription!

Podcasts of the week:  Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Undisclosed, The JJ Redick Podcast, The Lowe Post, Up and Vanished, Unlocking Us, Crimelines, 1619, The Astrology Podcast, Why is This Happening,

I have a lot of time to listen to podcasts while working. 😉

Books of the week: Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chodron

Weekend Plans:  It’s 12:33 AM on Saturday morning. I wish I was tired enough to go to bed. I will probably work on my website for a bit and then get in bed. This weekend I have freelance work and I’m working on own stuff. I always have to be in marketing or making mode, so I can have income coming in.  

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend and week. 🙂

Dry heat

I got my period for the first time in a year a week ago. Who was super pissed? ME. Fuck the patriarchy. I don’t need a period. I know all these women are so in love with their periods. Or that is a newish trend. But I think it’s bullshit. I don’t need a period. I don’t want a period. Why am I on birth control in the first place????!

I have to schedule an appointment with my ob/gyn. That’s the only way I can keep getting birth control. I will probably go in September. I’m trying to get three days off straight. So I’ll see what my new boss says. I have no idea how they do time off.

Oh, I forgot I better schedule a mammogram before they get on me about that. I will do that with time off in October.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in 1 hour. This should be interesting. I’m trying to get off Lexapro. It was good to me for years, but now my body hates it. It makes me too tired.

I’m overworking. What else is new? I had to tell one client I was sick today and I am. I can’t keep any food down. 😦 I’ve been sick for 3 or so days. I finally ordered some medicine, but it’s not coming until tomorrow. blah.

Anyway, at least I know what’s causing me to be tired. So should I cancel my sleep appointment? I probably should cancel. The appointment is Wednesday, so I have to cancel on Monday.

I’m still wondering whether I should hire someone. My work is kind off inconsistent, but it’s becoming more consistent each week which is good, but I’m not sure I NEED to hire someone.

I hit my income goal for July. That’s good news, but I also worked 7 days a week. So….

Politics/Current Events 2020: I probably will vote for Biden even though I live in Virginia and I don’t have to. But since I’m voting anyhow, I may as well vote for president. I need to get my absentee ballot and mail it in 3 weeks early. I want to make sure my vote counts. Not for the presidency…but for the other stuff on our ballot.

This week I…

Music of the week: Taylor Swift, The Chicks, Ellie Goulding, Keith Urban, Miranda Lambert, Aretha Franklin, Ariana Grande, Carrie Underwood

TV of the week:  Cheer

The fact that people can watch Cheer on Netflix and not talk about concussions in sports says everything you need to know about America’s sports fans. I’m truly disturbed.

Podcasts of the week:  Truth & Justice, Dateline, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Abraham Hicks, Undisclosed, Crime Junkie, Pod Save America, The JJ Redick Podcast, The Lowe Post

Books of the week: Call Me God: The Untold Story of the DC Sniper Investigation by a bunch of people

Weekend Plans: Today is Sunday. My body wouldn’t let me work as much as I wanted, so SIGH. I have two appointments tonight. I will try to fit some work in.

Thanks for reading! Have a good week. 🙂

Walking in the wrong direction

I feel like crap. I thought it was just allergies, but I took Clarispray, and it didn’t help. Now I’m taking cold medicine. I’m glad it isn’t that warm yet because I really want to go to the park. I could go to the park. I’m not that sick, but I wouldn’t enjoy it as much. It isn’t supposed to be really warm until Wednesday. Anyway, my colds don’t usually last long these days. My colds used to last a week. I’m hoping I’ll feel better in a few days.  I hate being sick. Ugh.

I went to a local crystal shop on Sunday. I didn’t know we had one until Saturday. I ordered most of my crystals online without even bothering to see if we had a local shop. The local store had tarot cards, lots of books and so many cool things for altars. It was awesome. I only bought a couple of crystals and two pouches – one for my tarot cards and one for my crystals. I might go back and get another pouch for the next set of tarot cards I get. A girl has to have more than one deck of tarot cards.

Here is  a pic of all my crystals:

fullsizeoutput_f

First, let me say that I know that candle looks really fake when shot from above, but when it is looked at regularly, it looks like a regular candle. It even flickers like a real candle. The crystals pictured above are:

  • pyrite
  • amethyst
  • tourmalinated quartz
  • rose quartz
  • lapis lazuli
  • jade
  • carnelian (times 2)
  • red jasper
  • citrine

I may blog about what I use each one for. Right now I just leave whichever ones I feel I need out while I’m working. And I meditate with one each morning. I don’t think I need more crystals right now. I just need to learn to work with the crystals I have. These didn’t cost a ton (especially the ones from the local shop).

I picked up my Chanel bag from my mom’s house. Yes, I call it “my Chanel” because it may be the only Chanel I ever get. 😉 It looks so much like a real Chanel bag. Almost identical. BUT the chain looks so cheap. I’m even worried that it might break. That would suck. I’m also a little worried that someone might think it is a real Chanel bag and try to rob me. I guess I should be careful where I take it.

I went to what will probably be my last spin class at that place on Sunday. I only burned 266 calories. What is wrong with me? However, I wasn’t the worst in the class. I was second to last for most of the class. The person in last place was probably a cycling newbie.

I’m going to get into bed and read. I haven’t been reading a lot lately. I’ve been so tired.

Don’t change a thing

I went to an urgent care center on Friday. Thank Budda for them! I would’ve gone to the ER otherwise. I rarely go to the doctor. I don’t believe in going to the doctor for a cold. (It might be different for kids). A cold is a cold. It will pass in time. There isn’t a cure for it.

Anyway, I’ve had a stuffy nose for over a month. Sometimes I can’t breathe. I’ve been taking Afrin for 3 weeks because that was the only thing that worked. That was part of the problem. I used too much Afrin according to the doctor. My nose (nasal passage) is now messed up. 😦

I didn’t know taking too much nasal spray was a thing. It is. Most people seem to take it WAY more than 3 weeks for it to cause a problem, though. Maybe my nose isn’t too messed up? Hopefully.

He gave me medicine. I am also taking Sudafed. I just hope I’m cured before I run out of the medicine the doctor gave me. I don’t think the Sudafed by itself is going to work, but I’ll try it. I don’t want to have to go back to the urgent care center.

After I got back from the center, I thought I was going to have to go to the ER. I took the prescribed  medicine and I still  couldn’t breathe. I’d already been to the urgent care center. Where else could I go? But I decided to try the saline mist spray (It’s drug-free so it’s safe) one more time and it worked! I was shocked because it didn’t work before.

Now I feel better. I’m still congested, but I can breathe.  I went to the free gym this morning. I desperately needed a workout.  No one was in the gym. I had the whole big gym to myself! It was just me and Ellie Goulding 🙂  I did weight lifting. I walked a mile on the treadmill and did one mile on the bike. I probably would’ve done more if I felt better.

Oh! I’m also pre-hypertensive. Boo. The doctor gave me a list of things to do/not do. I  already do everything on that list except one thing…exercise for 30 minutes a day. haha. When I used to work in the office, I would climb the stairs during breaks for exercise. Now I’m definitely more sedentary. I don’t want to have high blood pressure. My mom has it so I think it could be genetic. I’m not eating too much salt or doing any of the bad stuff.

Yeah, I could exercise more. I was planning to cancel my paid gym membership next week. I just hate the crowds. I can still use the free gym. I’m beginning to wish I had my own treadmill. Something to think about…

My 2 cheat days are over. I am never doing that again. It was too much. I probably gained a couple of pounds. Since I love sweets so much, I think I’m just going to have dessert on future cheat days. I don’t know. I still have to go to McDonalds one of these days. Now I’m back on the grind. Eating between 1200 and 1500 calories a day.

Despite having to go to the doctor and working almost during the whole holiday, I had a great “break”. There was less pressure. Less stress. Let’s see how Monday goes. lol.

———

I’d never cared much how I looked, why should I start now? Besides, I had no energy to waste on my exterior, when so much of my focus was on the barely managed chaos inside my head.

Quote from Elyn Saks. That is how I’ve felt most of my life. Now I still won’t wear makeup, but I’m not so caught up in the chaos. It’s not as intense. I remember seeing myself one day. It was about 7 years ago. I looked like crap. So tired and just not there. I was so focused on getting through the day that I never even looked at myself in the mirror. (Yes, I wash my face, brush my teeth  etc. without looking at myself).

——–

Instead of updating my last entry, I’m just going to insert my planner layout for the week here:

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES
plans of the week

I sucked at keeping up with plans this week. I mostly worked so nothing else got done. I have to be better next week.

Don’t over complicate it

When (life’s) not playing out like the movies
It doesn’t mean it’s falling apart

Wise words from Ellie Goulding. I wanted to use those lyrics for a title, but I couldn’t figure out how to fit them in. Anyway, those words are so true!

I have been sick for over a month. I’m not exaggerating. This is the longest cold ever. I could understand it if I were around people. Then it would make sense. I have used 3 times the amount of Afrin I’m supposed to.

Side effects of overdosing on Afrin? Light headed/dizziness, chest pains, nausea, stomach pains, and slight head pains. I wouldn’t recommend it. But I can’t sleep or work when I can’t breathe so this is what I’m doing to get by.

I’m beginning to think it must be something in my house. I’ve had my dog for almost a year so it can’t be him…right? Ewww. I don’t want to think about what it could be. Could it be allergies? I just know I’m sick of being sick. And when I can breathe, I’m sick from too much Afrin. ARGH!!

That’s what I feel right now. I can breathe, but I have a headache and feel very light headed.

I was thinking about going to see the Dixie Chicks on tour. They are coming here twice. I love them and I don’t think this will be their last tour. At least I hope not. One concert a year seems to be my limit these days. I used to go to at least 3 shows a year. One year it was Dave Matthews Band, Melissa Etheridge and Janet Jackson in one summer. Not anymore. So I’m probably not going. That would be so fun, though. (No, not as fun as Ellie).

I wish I could say I’m not going to take more Afrin. I feel so blah. I almost quit working today. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do extra hours even though I need to. The medicine is making me sick, but I can’t breathe without it. What am I supposed to do? I feel like I need to see a doctor, but I’m not…as of right now.

not going back to my old ways

I’ve been sick for over a week. I’m feeling a little better now. It was so bad that I had to go to Walmart at midnight to get medicine because I couldn’t breathe. I rarely leave my house (just ask my nosy neighbors) so that was a huge deal. The medicine barely helped. I have to stick with children’s cold medicine from here on out. No more expensive Mucinex. Dimetapp works wonders.

My cold has really put a big dent in my cleaning/decluttering. I haven’t felt like doing anything. Hopefully this weekend, I’ll be ready to go.

———-

I know I sound like a broken record on this topic, but I’m going to speak out because that is what I do. 6 high school football players have died so far this year. What more does it take for people to get it? It’s so sad. And preventable. I hope there are no more deaths this year. Imagine if this were the NFL. Would there be outrage? Would people think before they watch? Hmmm. #BoycottFootball

————–

Another broken record issue: I know what people think of me. I don’t care. It does bother me when people feel the need to point it out as if I don’t know. You aren’t raising a unique point of view. You are just like everyone else. Good for you? Sigh. Newsflash: You’re not perfect either. Should I start naming your flaws? Who cares. She’s just another person interested in labeling my flaws. Get a ticket and stand in line.

Maybe you feel the need to insult me because you are so dependent on others and are under a ton of stress. It sucks for it to be that way, but that isn’t my fault. You chose to take on a tremendous responsibility. I would have never done that because I know how hard it is. Life is already tough enough without voluntarily doing shit.

————

LOL. My manager got on my coworkers for spreading rumors about me. haha. I work at home and they are still talking. I must be so fascinating. 😉 I can’t say much more than that.

———–

Is it weird that I have a date for my first “real” Michael Kors handbag outing? It is on November 9. I’m going to have my car inspected. Instead of waiting, I’m going to the mall. I am not planning on buying anything. I have been to that mall without buying anything so I can say that with confidence. Just window shopping. I’ve been using my Mizrahi bag exclusively. I will be using my Madewell tote bag more because it is bigger (pic and video below). I have everything covered now. A small-ish crossbody, a medium bag and a large tote. That is all I need.

NO MORE BAGS…but here is my Madewell Transport Tote. I’ve never introduced it on this blog so here goes. It is perfect for traveling, but I use it whenever.

madewelltote

This bag is very popular, but there aren’t that many reviews on YouTube for some reason. It is bigger than it appears in that video. It’s huge.

This week I…

Music of the week: Demi Lovato, Tank, Carrie Underwood, Stacy Barthe, Janet Jackson, Jewel, Selena Gomez,  Carly Rae Jepsen

TV of the week:  Lost (season 2), Benghazi Committee grilling Clinton

Movie of the week:  Still Alice. LOVED this movie. I read the book a year ago. The movie is just as good, if not better.

Books of the week:  Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More by Janet Mock and Manifest Your Destiny: The Nine Spiritual Principles for Getting Everything You Want by Wayne W. Dyer

Planner update: 

The Happy Planner
The Happy Planner

I enjoy using this planner, but I feel like it is a little flimsy. I’m definitely going back to my 6 ring system in June 2016. I’m going to buy the Inkwell Press A5 inserts and use them in my gold Kikki.K. I’m doing another planner YouTube video! My nerves. This one will be about my planner system for 2016. My first and very, very bad planner video has over 850 views! It is so horrible. I was nervous. Anyway, I’ll probably do that video in January.

I’m feeling much better than when I started typing this entry on Wednesday. Yay for decluttering the living room! That is what I’ll be doing this weekend.

I’ve had dinner and a nap. I’m going back to work for a little while.

say anything

Even if I could eat, I can’t keep anything down. I think I have an ulcer and it is flaring. I’m also nauseous. I now believe this is due to my anxiety/ptsd. At first I thought it was just the ulcer but now I know it is more than that.

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today but I feel so shitty….I threw up everything I ate today. Well it isn’t like I’m eating anything. What is there to buy?

———–

I did something unbelievably stupid. Well if you think I’m dumb, you won’t be shocked: I brought an ipad 2 (the second oldest ipad – nothing new). My only defense is that I thought I would get it while I had good credit. I have 6 months to pay for it. After 6 months I will have interest so 6 months is the plan. I’m also thinking about sending it back (lol) or selling it. Those are options. I’m not stuck with it but boy that wasn’t smart. If I just had a smartphone, I wouldn’t want all these silly gadgets. I’ve been a tech geek all my life. I’m surprised I waited this long. I just wanted something to live for/be excited for after feeling so low. (dumb)

How is the word LESS working out for me? #FAIL.

Yes I know how horrible Apple employees are treated but that didn’t stop me…I’m a bad, bad, girl.

I do all my stuff on Amazon so the iPad won’t be everything for me. I try to avoid iTunes as much as possible. I never buy music from there. Safe to say my iPad will not be used for music. I just wish I could find the perfect planner/scheduler/organizer. The app I downloaded is okay. I should probably just accept that paper is the way to go when it comes to planning but I will try every app first.

I was supposed to post the project life pages but I spend most of my time scared to move so it is kinda hard to do anything. Oh well. I’m posting them within a week.

—————

I’m planning on joining a gym. Since I’ve moved, my free workplace gym is too far away. I need a place to go to. I’m going to explore the gym near me. I get a one week free pass. I really want to go to the meditative class. It is at 8PM on Friday nights. Perfect for me. I hope to go visit the gym on January 14 (unless I decide to go to a specialist for an ulcer checkup on that date). Of course I want to go to one of the yoga classes also. I just don’t like any of the times. 9AM on a Saturday is the only time for a class I like (gentle yoga).

My workplace will pay for some (or maybe all) of the cost of the gym. yay. I’m losing weight due to not eating so I’m not really interested in using the treadmill or the elliptical like I used to do at my old gym. I’m just interested in classes for now.

almost given up looking into people’s eyes

Rachel setting up her keyboard

  • I believe in supporting artists and their art. I buy more music than I should. I brought Rachael’s newest album from Amazon.
  • Since I don’t live in the area, I didn’t know Rachael Sage’s concert was a gay pride event. I was surprised! This was my first gay pride event (and hopefully not the last). Cool. Anyhow, I thought this was just a regular concert. I didn’t even know Rachael was gay prior to the concert but one of her songs did make me wonder but I thought, “nah”.
  • I never carry cash.
  • I took two beta blockers just so I could have this weird semi-smile on my face. Without it, I’ve been perceived as angry. I tried to smile. I hope it was a smile. Rachael smiled back at me so I’m guessing it was a success.
  • I wish more people had shown up. Besides one couple and the other performers, everyone was shy. (Shy is awesome 🙂 but we need some extroverts too).

With that out the way…just clearing the air. The Rachael concert was so awesome. She hugged me. I don’t hug humans but I sorta hugged her back. OMG. She also personally signed her painting. Now I can’t frame it because I always have to be able to see the back of the artwork.

We made eye contact several times. I was sitting right in front of her. Rachael is the opposite of shy. She is the most extroverted performer I have EVER seen. Most musicians I like fall into the quiet, introvert type so I was shocked by her. She is a comedian. I can tell she majored in theater (at Standford, I think?).

rachael sage in concert

Needless to say the show was fantastic. She even got up and sang right beside me. She got in the chair right in front of me and sang. It was surreal.

Her manager Wendy was super nice. Thanks for the tickets and for suggesting Rachael sign the artwork.

It could have been a complete disaster. That is why I did the bullet points at the beginning of this entry. Heh. Certain people made comments and those points are my um, points. Every story has two sides. 🙂 I’m going to post more about the concert in my music blog.

Rachael’s art

autograph of her artwork

I cropped out the part where she personalized it because I don’t want my name shown on this blog. She signed it, “For —-” heart shape  xoxo

Rachael XO’ed me! 🙂 🙂

———–

Sky, my betta fish died. 😦 I’m thinking of ordering 3 african dwarf frogs to put into that aquarium. It is so hot so I’m not sure if they will ship here. They don’t like to ship anywhere that is over 90 degrees. Of course the 90 degree heat starts tomorrow. I wish I could find a local pet store that sell them. I have checked all but one pet store. My other frogs (M & M) are doing fine. They always want more food.

———–

SICK. Still sick. Since I’m a new patient, I can’t see my doctor for 2+ weeks. Sometimes I can eat but yesterday I just gave up trying to work after lunch. I felt so bad that I called the nurse line. She told me to go to the urgent care center since I can’t see my doctor. But I FELT TOO SICK to actually get dressed and drive to the center so of course I didn’t go. I was so frustrated. The sickness comes and goes. I guess I can wait until July. I hope I can.

———-

Save the best for last. WORK. I facilitated a teleconference today. I have too much on my mind to be really embarrassed. It was a minor disaster. 🙂 What did you expect? For me to shine at talking??! LOL. Gosh, I really sucked. The only thing I did right was saying, “good morning”. In the past I would have felt mortified after the meeting but I’m dealing with a lot of crap right now. I’m trying to sell my house. DMV won’t listen to me. I’m sick and I don’t know why. Who cares about a stupid meeting?

I do wish my manager had been able to attend because I know my supervisor probably made it seemed it was much worse than it was. She called me a monster from the movie, “Scream” so yeah, she doesn’t like me. hehehe. (SHOCKER!) My manager is a little nicer and lenient. She may have thought I did better……….I don’t know. It was a total waste of time! The freakin’ end.

Haunted by you

“You are doing okay, right?”
“You’re fine, right?”

Me: Yes.

That is the only lie I can tell. I can tell that lie because it is only one word. I can’t convincingly lie about anything else.
———-
I skipped yoga today because this week has been busy, busy, busy and I’m slightly behind with school work. I was planning on missing the class because I was feeling sick but as of yesterday, I started feeling better. It is always like this. The heavy nausea comes and goes. I think I now know what my physical problem is. It is my scoliosis. Unfortunately now I’m worried that I might need surgery. What if my organs are all messed up??? (That does/has happened to people). I’m probably 15 years too late for a back brace fix. So if you have scoliosis get it fixed when you are 10. Don’t wait and end up like me.

I still have the abdominal pain and now pain in my back and upper legs. My therapist thinks my nausea is 100% anxiety related. (Gotta love psych people!) I have no idea whether my organs being “smushed” or whatever is causing nausea. I just want to rule out any physical issues. Yeah, my nausea issues could be due to anxiety…I don’t know.
———
Basically I’m still overwhelmed with everything but I’m trying out the scheduling thing. And I’m trying to find different places to study. Today (instead of yoga) I studied outside. I may check out one of the university libraries for a different location to study. I’m mostly overwhelmed about the things I don’t have much control over like the DMV situation and the selling-my-house situation. Oh yeah, and going to the doctor.

Now I’m overwhelmed again. Plus I have to head a teleconference meeting next week at work. (super excited about that <– sarcasm). I will be off for one week soon. I WILL make it to the park for at least one morning. The rest of the time may be filled with errands. I was supposed to be going to North Carolina but that fell through so no major plans for my vacation from work. Studying and appointments is what I will be doing.
———–
Pet update: My dog ate some of the frog’s food this morning. I hope she doesn’t turn into a big frog. Big frogs scare me. In fact I don’t like frogs any bigger than my dwarf frogs. My betta fish, Sky, is still living…..but he has some swelling underneath his face. 😦 I changed his water and placed aquarium salt in the aquarium. That is about all you can do with fish. He is moving around more this week than last but as long as the swelling is there, that can’t be good. I hope he isn’t in pain. 😦

Do I qualify?

Nausea has taken over my life. I’ve had it foe years but now it is so bad that it is affecting my life. I can’t do normal things. Is this a result of my severe anxiety? Or some physical problem? I don’t know. OTC meds help a little. But not today. I was feeling dizzy and nauseous today. I couldn’t mow the lawn or eat. Now I have abdominal pain…not a stomach ache. It could be an ulcer. ??? Or could I have a tumor? Or is it just anxiety induced nausea?

Since I’m off for a week soon, I’m going to the doctor. I haven’t been to a general practitioner in 3 years. I sort of wish I had because then I wouldn’t have to deal with the physical exam part. I just want the NAUSEA stopped. Nothing else. I don’t want anything done that isn’t going to stop the nausea. Fuck me, I’m so screwed. It is probably just from the anxiety. Have bad anxiety for over a decade and you will probably have a lot of physical issues. Bummer.

I have a week off but so much to do. Don’t even mention school. I feel like I’m sinking. I need to change my living situation too. That is adding stress. But moving isn’t the easiest thing in the whole to do so I need not think about that too much. I will get a realtor to the house during that week (if someone can come out). I don’t know how all this is supposed to happen.

Overwhelmed.

I have to go to the DMV. I don’t know exactly what they need. Well I don’t know if I have what they need. The dealer was supposed to fax some papers over to DMV. Guess what? They didn’t do it. Who has to deal with this crap now? These papers were supposed to be at DMV months ago. Who is going to pay for it now? Thanks for doing your job!

I sound like a broken record. AHHH!

Life is so not worth living. Such a waste of time (for me). It doesn’t make much sense for me to keep living but I’m doing it for one sucky reason. Not very smart. :/
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Update: I wrote the above yesterday and didn’t post it. Well today (ARGH!), I didn’t work. I get one sick time a year so I just used that up. Tomorrow I’m working, no matter what. Going to the doctor for nausea sucks because even thinking about it, makes me gag so how can I talk about it????????????? I gagged as I typed that. Sorry TMI.

I physically and mentally suck. 🙂 The end.