Je ne comprends pas

But until women writing about singleness no longer feel compelled to set themselves up as the cool girl who either has a man—or could get one at any time—I’d say the answer to her question is no, we’re not people yet.

Apparently the writer of this Salon piece hasn’t read my blog. (haha) I’m single. I never talk about “getting a man” at any time. I don’t even think about it. If I went out more, I guess I would be considered a ‘cool single woman’ because I don’t want a man. I don’t need a man. But no one would consider me a cool anything.

Interesting piece. It made me think about the single women who do want men. Also, I don’t think of myself as a spinster either. I’m a person. Is that okay? Men have nothing to do with my identity. I know some people judge me a certain way because I’m unattached but I don’t care.

————————-

AWKWARD!

I go see a shrink 2-3 times a year, to get my meds for my depression/anxiety. My ex-therapist is also in the same building. She knew I was coming in on Thursday because all of the appointments are on the same system. She was hanging around the receptionist area when I got there!! OMFG. She couldn’t have been more obvious. She is usually booked back to back so I thought, “There is no way I’m going to see her”. WRONG. It was so awkward. I didn’t know where to look. Do I say “hi”? (I didn’t because we didn’t make eye contact).

Now I feel bad. I just stopped seeing her. Well, the snow caused my last visit to be cancelled. And she said she would call me to make another appointment. She never called.  I never called. And that’s that. Well, at least I don’t think she hates me. I always think people hate me. Some people do… 😉 But I hope she doesn’t think I hate her. Therapy was just becoming a hassle. I was only going once a month but I hate having appointments after work.

My shrink asked why wasn’t I seeing my therapist anymore. “You don’t need her anymore”? Um, no. I said something like, “social anxiety isn’t my focus right now”. He chuckled and asked, “Well, what is?” The truth is that I feel fine without going to therapy. It really wasn’t helping but that isn’t her fault. I’m not focused on my social anxiety right now and she was too focused on it.

I may blog more about why I’m not focused on my SA. The short version is that it doesn’t affect my life that much. I’m a loner. I’m an introvert. I like being alone. The only time SA is a problem is when I’m trying to get a job. SA is a big hindrance there for obvious reasons.

Speaking of SA or just shyness, I’m still watching the James Holmes trial (Colorado murder trial). It is mystifying to me that people still don’t get shyness. The professors/lab techs said things like he never took initiative. He would sit in the back and do research instead of approaching people. Um, yeah cause he was shy. What do you expect?  That is the definition of shyness. I’m listening to these people testify and I’m shouting. “OF COURSE HE IS THAT WAY. HE’S SHY”. Even now, they act like he was just not interested. NO. He was interested but shyness hampered his way of showing it.

Sorry. Pet peeve.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Shelby Lynne, Mariah Carey, Heather Nova, Kina Grannis, Us The Duo, Mary J. Blige, Christina Aguilera, Angus & Julia Stone

Watched: NBA playoffs, PLL, James Holmes trial

Books of the week: I finished reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed. As I previously stated, I didn’t like it.  I might  start Everyday I fight by Stuart Scott & Larry Platt this weekend. The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up is a library book so I have to read that. Me tidying up right now is not gonna happen. I have to sell stuff first but I’ll read the book.

Movies: I’ve seen a few movies since I’ve last updated this. First was The Notebook. #late I hated it. I have it on DVD so I’m going to sell it on June 6. I watched You’re Not You. I loved this movie. Emmy Rossum blew me away and Hilary Swank wasn’t bad either. I cried from the very first scene until the last. Awesome movie. I started watching Remember Me today. I may finish it this weekend.

Planner: After a short vacay, I’m back to getting my to-do list in my planner and documenting what happened during the week.

This week
This week

Go easy little doves, I’ll be fine

If she knew how much anxiety a simple “how are you doing?” email would cost me, I don’t think she would have asked.

————–

Between getting the carpet/floor clean in my house and moving all my stuff this weekend – WOW. $$$ Do the short sell people want to see my bank statement now? It is much lower. I haven’t heard back from them. I’m calling them on Thursday. Haven’t heard from the realtor either. Shocking.

I did get 5th row seats to see D’Angelo. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Oh, and Mary J. Blige  and uh, yeah the marvelous Melanie Fiona. But D’ANGELO!!! He is the reason I’m driving 2 hours on August 18th to go to that concert. I did think about not going due to money issues but I also know this may be my only chance (unless he comes back home which will kind of tick me off since I already brought tickets for this show) to see him. I’m sort of worried about him. I’m too invested. I see him as this fragile guy. He did coke to deal with his shyness. Is he 100% fine now? Does he now know that it is okay to be shy? If he doesn’t, then his problem isn’t solved.  I know his fans want to believe that he is fine now but I’m…hesitant and nervous. I just want him to be okay. Is that wrong? I don’t believe it is. Everyone should be  at least fine.

People do drugs to deal with shyness. More commonly they drink. Just yesterday I saw someone calling herself a bitch for not being more social. NO DAMMIT. FUCK THEM for them wanting –  NO DEMANDING –  that you be like them. Screw them. They think they are “right” because they are the majority. We have people killing themselves over this ish.

————-

Time to lighten the mood with pictures! I love universities. I’m not being cocky since I didn’t build it but my alma mater has the prettiest campus in the state. I thought the uni 20 minutes from me might be able to compete but uh, no. They do have a nice lake though. All we have is a waterfall. Okay, I haven’t been to all the state colleges yet. I’ve been to the majority of them. I only went there to go to the library. Unfortunately it was under major construction. I feel bad for the students but maybe it will be done by the fall? It is a mess. But I still managed to find a whole floor to myself. 🙂 With a sofa and a good view. 😉

view from the couch in library

Can you see the lake in that pic? It isn’t very clear.

best part of the campus

Will I go back there to study? Probably not. But I did get the work I wanted done and then I walked about a 1/2 of mile around the big lake (in the hot heat with nothing to drink). I’m still looking for a good, quiet library. Hmmm. Too bad my alma mater is 4.5 hours away. I lived in that library. I hated when they would close early on Friday nights. Memories….I miss that place. 😦 Not enough to drive 4+ hours just to visit though. One day I will. I’ve been saying that for years.

What am I doing on the 4th? Well I have a paper due on the 5th so there’s that. And I have to clean my frogs’ aquarium. I brought them shrimp. I am not fond of shrimp but frogs and fish are supposed to LOVE it. Well they are like their mom. They didn’t eat it and now the tank is a mess. I might break down and clean it tonight. I really want to but I sort of need to buy something first so….boring story but anyway…

I can’t wait for this week to be over. I have my doctor’s appointment with the general practitioner on Friday. Nervous. I hope I am able to convey how serious the nausea problem is. The last time I got really sick was last Thursday. I threw up at Lowes (made it outside in time). I rarely vomit. Can’t even think about it. Gross.

And then on Saturday I have an appointment with the moving company to move the few things I do own to my mom’s shed. Yes her outdoor shed. Long story.

Whoop. So basically I just blogged about nothing but did I mention I get to see D’angelo in concert???? OMG!!!!!!!!!!! hehe.

Queen of (K)nots

There was jury drama today and it wasn’t my fault. Something happened that almost NEVER happens and we the jury weren’t happy about it. I’m done for three years! WHY? Because I served on a jury!!! Of course the lawyers didn’t get a good vibe from me, so I was excused. Hell yeah! I love our justice system….

Nothing makes me feel more like a freak than being with a bunch of normal people. I’m only used to being around the people at work. Then enter new social situation. hahahahah.

I know they dismissed me because I was looking down and not making eye contact. I did make eye contact with the judge once. But basically I acted like a person who is extremely shy or a person with Asperger’s. Of course I was dismissed. Seriously, I forgot to take my beta blocker this morning. So my anxiety was off the hook. The medicine doesn’t make me appear (socially) normal but it doesn’t make me appear like an unsocial animal.

I think the judge/lawyers thought my behavior was due to being cold. The judge made a comment about being cold and then the bailiff immediately comes from the other side of the court and stands directly behind me. 😦 I was cold. But that wasn’t the only reason I was shaking and looking down. Ever heard the FACTS of social anxiety? Probably not so they wouldn’t know.

Aside: How come people NEVER think of a person simply being shy? They will think of anything else but NEVER that unless the person says they are shy. (I’m not saying shyness = social anxiety. It isn’t the same).

Another situation where I get the “She is ——–” vibe is when in stores. Dude, I’m not stealing anything. I’m waaaaaaaay too timid for that. 🙂 They mistake my nervousness for guilt. I’m only mentioning it because it happened today. 2 more points for not feeling strange. Anyhow, when people are in the aisle I’m in, looking at the same stuff, I get nervous. I usually go into another aisle or another part of the aisle. I do this in the library too. Today it was a worker (probably a manager) we kept bumping into each other. I got exasperated. Thinking while people are around is not easy for me so I go elsewhere.

When I got in line, the cashier -while waiting on others- would not stop staring at me. It was so obvious. She had no shame about it either.

What a strange, long day.
————–
I’m feeling a little depressed. Without the abilify, I’m sure it would be worse. Little things are happening that I have to deal with. The smallest things are overwhelming me. This sucks. I need to have enough motivation to try yoga ASAP…and mow the lawn…and find someone to do a house repair. Overwhelmed. At least jury duty is over.

I’m sure eating crap isn’t helping. My refrigerator (the bottom part) still isn’t working. So I’ve been eating can food which is full of sodium. I’m going to buy some turkey burgers to get a break from the canned crap. I don’t need food making me feel worse than I already do.
———–
Hopefully I will have a good news post one day…soon.

The power of lies

I don’t want to dwell on the negative but I do want to get my side out there. I’ve dealt with this my whole life! Geesh! Skip to the bottom of this entry to avoid the BS.

My coworkers thought I’d left so they talked about one of their favorite subjects: ME. To be fair, the people who are lucky enough to work at home came in and when they come in it is like chaos. The other people are over me (except for Mnx who loves to start stuff and JNx who sits near me and cannot stop talking). Anyhow, one of the supervisors said, “What a bitch!” about me. ROFL. I’m not upset over that. Okay, at the time I thought, “Damn, who can I tell to get her in trouble?” But I have some morals….one which is not getting people in trouble (tattling).

I’m blogging about this because the whole conversation was based on a lie. I hate that. The supervisor’s comment was a reply to what BNx said. When I was new, BNx was my trainer. She was awesome. 😦 Then she got new duties and had to stop training us (two people). We talked on the phone a lot. Have I mentioned that she works AT HOME. Due to my issues (social anxiety), that worked out great. There wasn’t pressure to have to talk to her everyday. When I think about it, that is probably my #1 issues with coworkers. I can’t get over on how to not freak out on knowing that I’m going to see them 5 days a week….

AND WTF DO I SAY?? That is all a part of SA. blah. blah. One day she came in from home. We saw each other face to face for the 1st time. I was my usual socially awkward self. *I* thought it went just okay but what I think is okay is usually seen otherwise by more social people. That is one thing I’ve learned over the years. It has made me jaded.

She went back home to work. We continued having phone meetings but by then I was no longer new so we mostly communicated by email. Then she came into to work about 3 months later. I was scared. What do I say to her? It was more like, Fuck! I can’t believe they are coming in. What if she expects me to be friendly/social??

The truth is, she never came up to me once. She was working on another floor since we don’t have enough work for the work-at-homers. We were in the same room for a meeting. I wanted to acknowledge her. She never looked at me and then I remembered how my manager mentioned she was “shy and quiet”. So I figured that was her defense mechanism. In other words, she was a little like me.

Then today, she threw me under the bus! :/ “She stopped talking to me when I stopped training her”. HUH? She works at home. As a rule the work at homers and the work in house people don’t converse. Even though we do the same things, there are definitely two groups. It doesn’t affect the work at all. When the homers (heh) come into the office, they do TALK. lol. Some more than others.

My point is, all this started over stupid shit. Why am I even blogging about? I’m going to leave this crap up. Just because….

—————–
I know what I’m doing on my two night, 3 day summer vacay. I know it very well. 😉 I wanted to go to a state I’ve never visited but with school, I had to stop with the travel books. It took me forever and a ton of research to plan my NYC trip last year. New York is sorta easy once you know how you are getting there and where you are staying. Easy is probably the wrong word. So many people visit and live there. I was so stuck at finding exactly where the hotel was that I randomly asked strangers on a message board. No, I don’t normally post on seedy places like that. THAT WAS A JOKE FFS! lol.

We are going to Virginia Beach….again. I always go with my mom on my on one trip a year to split the cost and she can’t drive so it is just nice. We have staued in this hotel once before. It is very nice. We got a deal…..and we also get a jacuzzi!!!!! Not that I’m into jacuzzis but that is supposed to be nice, right? It is a real suite with a kitchen, two separate rooms, oceanfront. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH! I’m just stoked to have my own room. 😉

I’ll stop being obnoxious if that is possible. The following says it all:

Large Suites Sleep up to Six!
Designed with families in mind, our spacious beach rental suites sleep up to six people in total comfort. Each unit has two double beds and a full sized sleeper sofa in the separate living area. For your convenience, the suite’s kitchenette is equipped with a microwave and refrigerator. Additional amenities include high-speed Internet access, in-room safe, HBO, and onsite laundry facilities. The [hotel] offers everything you’ll need for your family’s unforgettable VA Beach vacation.

Private Balconies and a Jetted Tub in Every Room
Take a minute and imagine yourself kicking back on your private balcony to watch the waves embrace the sprawling Virginia Beach shoreline. And because all of our beach rental suites are oceanfront, every one of your vacation days begins with cool, sea breezes off the Atlantic.

And for the ultimate in relaxation, treat yourself to a luxurious soak in the generous 4’x5’ jetted tub featured in every room. There’s no better way to complement your adventure filled Virginia Beach holiday and just of thing to recharge your body, mind and spirit.

————-
I have homework to do and I really have to finish the last of last week’s newspaper so I can get rid of it recycle it. Shout out to Earth Day.

loner-by-preference

It’s 3AM. I must be lonely. The Lakers v Los Suns is on replay. Why not watch….until I fall asleep. I’m so glad the Lakers wrapped this up. Oops! Spoiler. (not funny, I know)

My assignments for summer school were due by midnight. I finished them by 9pm. Not without frustration. Of course the main thing on my mind is HE IS COMING. I can’t digest it right now or I will breakdown. There is no way I can clean up enough for him in time and finish these courses in ten weeks so I am only going to do the bare minimum. He won’t be able to move in the bed. I’m not kidding. I have stuff to do. I don’t have time nor the energy for this crap. I will be BSing more about this later. I won’t stop posting here. I need an outlet and I have no one else to say these things to.
—————
I posted this link on twitter. Doing a repost to comment on excerpts. Article written by By Elizabeth Svoboda for Psychology Today. I used to spend hours reading archives of that mag in the college library…on Friday nights while listening to the local basketball game. 🙂

Field Guide to the Loner: The Real Insiders
Loners are pitied in our up-with-people culture. But the introvert reaps secret joy from the solitary life.

Miina Matsuoka lives by herself in New York City. She owns two cats and routinely screens her calls. But before you jump to conclusions, note that she is comfortable hobnobbing in any of five languages for her job as business manager at an international lighting-design firm. She just strongly prefers not to socialize, opting instead for long baths, DVDs, and immersion in her art projects. She does have good, close friends, and goes dancing about once a month, but afterward feels a strong need to “hide and recoup.”

I consider her an introvert who can fake it or not an extreme introvert or a healthy introvert (but that means extreme introverts like me are bad so I prefer not to use that term).

Social engagement drains them, while quiet time gives them an energy boost.

I get way too frustrated that people don’t get this. How hard is this to understand??? I need to stop thinking about it because I get so worked up over this. I would like to add that if you are depressed or lacking energy for any other reason (medical or lack of sleep) then this is the worst thing about being an introvert, for me anyway. I need tons of quiet time to get energy. It is almost impossible to get this time unless I lock myself in my home and don’t go anywhere. But then there’s work….

Contrary to popular belief, not all loners have a pathological fear of social contact. “Some people simply have a low need for affiliation,” says Jonathan Cheek, a psychologist at Wellesley College. “There’s a big subdivision between the loner-by-preference and the enforced loner.”

Love this! I have a very very very low need for affiliation. Like zilch. Nada. But I also have a “pathological fear of social contact” (<—what a choice of words). So I'm enforced but I LOVE it. I'm both. The problem is that I can't succeed or do much of anything because I'm not simply a loner-by-preference. I don't have social contacts for jobs because I'm scared of people. If I need something done, I pretty much have to do it myself or PAY someone to do it. And I'm not rich so I've gone into debt due to lack of friends/acquaintances It is very limiting. Understatement. It is horrible. And that is why I am always going to have mild depression and be overwhelmed. I hate to confirm what people say but you can't do it alone.

Matsuoka, who is divorced, is open to romantic relationships, but “whomever I’m with must know that at least one day a week I need to lock myself in my room and stick feathers on a sculpture,” she warns.

Only one day a week? Okay she definitely is not extreme. I would prefer 6 days alone a week. Okay really 7 days but that makes me a freak so shhh! No phone calls. No seeing the other person. Ugh and no living together. I just couldn’t do it. No way.

The content introverts’ camp closely borders the land of the socially anxious. Matsuoka, for example, says she was “pathologically shy” as a child, which likely laid the groundwork for her current lifestyle, even though she grew much more confident in her 20s. Those who remain “enforced loners” long to spend time with people, but shyness and anxiety inhibit them from doing so. “Introverts are people who like to be alone,” says Paula Montgomery, an accountant from St. Louis. “I prefer to be around other people, but because of my shyness, it’s difficult for me to join groups and make friends.”

Insensitive comment: I’m glad I’m not like Paula. It must be hard to be shy and want to be around people. I don’t know what that is like because I’m always running away from people. I do know people like this exist, of course. It isn’t uncommon and I feel helpless. I’m the last person to go to for this problem.

When major life problems crop up, loners are also less likely to seek out social support.

Um, true.

“Loneliness is like hunger and thirst—a signal to help your genes survive,” Cacioppo says. “When you’re lonely, there’s a stress response in your body, and it’s not healthy to sustain that for a long time.”

Interesting. I do feel alienated which is a kind of loneliness because “no one knows what it is like.” well almost no one. I know I’m not the only one…which doesn’t help solve any of my problems. lol. Anyhow, I do feel that kind of loneliness yet I don’t long for social interaction. At all. I do wish more people understood. I am constantly getting mislabeled and called crazy just because they simply don’t understand that being around people is tiring. Which leads to irritability. Which leads to anger. Which leads to me snapping if I don’t get some god damn alone time. 🙂 (99% of the time I don’t snap, I just hold it in. I’m too shy to snap).

I didn’t post the whole article. Go read it. Going to bed now.

hate being an earthling

I’m sad but what else is new?

lot of snow for one hour

We are supposed to get a foot of snow. I guess I’m not going to the library tomorrow OR work. I was just going to work a couple hours but oh well. If I don’t have to leave, I’m not. I’m glad I got my dog her xmas gift. But what about my cat? She is really picky and enjoys the toys she has so….I probably won’t get her anything. Bad pet mom.

I got bit in the ass by karma. Bad karma. I totally deserve it for breaking a rule. It isn’t work related (Thank da universe!).

Indulgence in vice… materialistic attractions never propel one towards success in life! Gaining materialistic comforts does not mean gaining success in life. Whatever our position in society today… whatever our material or materialistic accomplishments… at the time of death of body… that which manifests in next manifestation are our virtues… resulting from positive karma!

I shouldn’t care but I don’t understand how anyone can deny karma exists. If people are paying attention, they will see it in their lives everyday. Every time when someone says, “That’s what I get…” Karma! But people like to talk about undeveloped countries and death of “good” people to point out how karma can’t be real. *groan* Tired of that argument. And life on earth is hell. Death is a gift. I’m not going on a karma tangent.

————–
I don’t know about Jupiter, but shy people are the most misunderstood person on Earth. This is what fuels my anger, depression, anxiety etc. How would anyone feel if they are constantly being judged INCORRECTLY? Just because of something you can’t 100% control. (some do get less shy). Hell you would hate people too. Hate is a strong word but I’m highly annoyed by people especially when they are in groups. I know I’m not the only one…I just wish people would TRY to understand. Instead they use that energy to judge.

::exasperated::

30 years old, no relationship, no friends except for co-workers who laugh at me behind my back … There was a time that I tried to make friends and tried hard to fit in but I have stopped caring now.

Even if I had someone beside me I would worry all day that the person doesn’t really like me or put them off by not getting on with them as other girls do. Come to think of it, being alone is so much more comfortable than having to deal with the crap. So you see, there are pros and cons in both sides and I think the side I am in now is better. I really don’t care anymore except maybe on a Friday night

there are others out that. Hate reading those message boards. I feel helpless. 😦

A lot of people throughout my life have pointed out my lack of talking/quietness. I think they are simply bewildered at the thought of me showing no “real” personality. They have been around me for months, perhaps even years, and yet they don’t really know me, and they wonder, “can he really be this lifeless, this dull, and this uninspiring?”

Of course, the point of displaying such a lack of personality is so that it won’t be out there for someone to judge. If there is no real personality, then they can’t judge the real me.

But honestly, it doesn’t even matter if I WANTED to put my personality out there, because my body, mind, and soul have all learned that this is the best way to deal with things. To just shut down and be “lifeless.” Even though I am actually full of life, ideas, opinions, humor, etc. I squish it all down and don’t dare show it to anyone. If I try, then I am fighting what have ingrained into myself.

So I don’t want to be this lifeless drone trying to offend anyone, always being way too weak and unassertive, so I will of course fight it till whenever it is I overcome it or die. What I hope to accomplish is to at least not be defined by this quietness or “lack of personality.”

agree

I have experienced this at work. People say to my face, “Wow. You’re even quieter than _____ (another quiet person where I work).” I just get angry at that. What am I supposed to say to that?? I end up thinking people who make comments like this are rude. I get passive-aggressive and become even less talkative in their presence. “Screw them” is my general attitude. Another person at work made a comment about my demeanor, saying, “You’re so quiet!” I actually verbalized my feelings that time, saying, “Well, how do you expect me to act? You want me to be someone I’m not?”

If anyone wants to kill me for posting their quotes, feel free.

shyness 101

I have a 2010 rental car with satellite radio. Loves it. I’m not getting into the reason why I need a rental car. It’s a negative story.
———-
I’m thinking the Zoloft may be working too well. I’m not exactly talking to people or anything that radical. However, I am walking around more at work. Before I would have been apprehensive. A few years ago, I only got up to go to lunch. A year ago, I would only get up if I thought the way was clear. I would never leave around break/lunch times. Now I’m more uh, confident. I get up whenever I want. 🙂

But these changes are not going over well at work. Why do they even care? I have no idea. Before I would never have talked on the phone while at my desk…especially about private stuff. But on Monday I was having a mini breakdown. Very mini. I was just overwhelmed and pressured. Usually I talk to no one during these moments but yesterday my mom sent me an email. An email that would change my life drastically so I had to call her to talk it out.

My coworkers talk on the phone to friends and family ALL the time. I know so much about them. lol. Anyway during this 20 minute convo, I was talking with no hint of shyness. My coworkers had never heard me talk like this before.

I thought things were shaky before now they are downright bad and a tiny bit nasty. Here is what they don’t comprehend:

I talk to my mom because I KNOW HER.

Um, I don’t talk to anyone else because I DON’T KNOW THEM. I DON’T KNOW ANYONE BUT MY MOM. Shy people do talk to people they are comfortable around. I am only comfortable around one person (and a few 4 legged creatures).

This is obvious to me but they think “If she can talk to —, then she can talk to —“. WHAT A LOAD OF
BULLSHIT. They are clueless. They are ignorant about shyness and social anxiety.
————-
I have to post a funny story at work. It once again shows how clueless they are. Honey no one will come to my funeral. I could be dead for a week and only my cat would know. Nor would mire than 5 people even care. No, I don’t talk to my mom everyday.

gotta go.