Je ne comprends pas

But until women writing about singleness no longer feel compelled to set themselves up as the cool girl who either has a man—or could get one at any time—I’d say the answer to her question is no, we’re not people yet.

Apparently the writer of this Salon piece hasn’t read my blog. (haha) I’m single. I never talk about “getting a man” at any time. I don’t even think about it. If I went out more, I guess I would be considered a ‘cool single woman’ because I don’t want a man. I don’t need a man. But no one would consider me a cool anything.

Interesting piece. It made me think about the single women who do want men. Also, I don’t think of myself as a spinster either. I’m a person. Is that okay? Men have nothing to do with my identity. I know some people judge me a certain way because I’m unattached but I don’t care.

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AWKWARD!

I go see a shrink 2-3 times a year, to get my meds for my depression/anxiety. My ex-therapist is also in the same building. She knew I was coming in on Thursday because all of the appointments are on the same system. She was hanging around the receptionist area when I got there!! OMFG. She couldn’t have been more obvious. She is usually booked back to back so I thought, “There is no way I’m going to see her”. WRONG. It was so awkward. I didn’t know where to look. Do I say “hi”? (I didn’t because we didn’t make eye contact).

Now I feel bad. I just stopped seeing her. Well, the snow caused my last visit to be cancelled. And she said she would call me to make another appointment. She never called.  I never called. And that’s that. Well, at least I don’t think she hates me. I always think people hate me. Some people do… 😉 But I hope she doesn’t think I hate her. Therapy was just becoming a hassle. I was only going once a month but I hate having appointments after work.

My shrink asked why wasn’t I seeing my therapist anymore. “You don’t need her anymore”? Um, no. I said something like, “social anxiety isn’t my focus right now”. He chuckled and asked, “Well, what is?” The truth is that I feel fine without going to therapy. It really wasn’t helping but that isn’t her fault. I’m not focused on my social anxiety right now and she was too focused on it.

I may blog more about why I’m not focused on my SA. The short version is that it doesn’t affect my life that much. I’m a loner. I’m an introvert. I like being alone. The only time SA is a problem is when I’m trying to get a job. SA is a big hindrance there for obvious reasons.

Speaking of SA or just shyness, I’m still watching the James Holmes trial (Colorado murder trial). It is mystifying to me that people still don’t get shyness. The professors/lab techs said things like he never took initiative. He would sit in the back and do research instead of approaching people. Um, yeah cause he was shy. What do you expect?  That is the definition of shyness. I’m listening to these people testify and I’m shouting. “OF COURSE HE IS THAT WAY. HE’S SHY”. Even now, they act like he was just not interested. NO. He was interested but shyness hampered his way of showing it.

Sorry. Pet peeve.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Shelby Lynne, Mariah Carey, Heather Nova, Kina Grannis, Us The Duo, Mary J. Blige, Christina Aguilera, Angus & Julia Stone

Watched: NBA playoffs, PLL, James Holmes trial

Books of the week: I finished reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed. As I previously stated, I didn’t like it.  I might  start Everyday I fight by Stuart Scott & Larry Platt this weekend. The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up is a library book so I have to read that. Me tidying up right now is not gonna happen. I have to sell stuff first but I’ll read the book.

Movies: I’ve seen a few movies since I’ve last updated this. First was The Notebook. #late I hated it. I have it on DVD so I’m going to sell it on June 6. I watched You’re Not You. I loved this movie. Emmy Rossum blew me away and Hilary Swank wasn’t bad either. I cried from the very first scene until the last. Awesome movie. I started watching Remember Me today. I may finish it this weekend.

Planner: After a short vacay, I’m back to getting my to-do list in my planner and documenting what happened during the week.

This week
This week

I have no patience & I hate waiting

The best rap line ever…That was a joke. Everyone knows Tupac was the greatest rapper of all time. But I love, love that by Jay-Z.

FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is what I screamed in my car several times. I rarely get my hopes up. I learned that at a very young age. If you have high expectations and you keep getting crushed, you will probably naturally be this way. But I don’t know. Some people are good at not dwelling on disappointments. Anyway, my doctor did nothing. I spent my life avoiding doctors. Now I have a bad PCP. (She gave me a thyroid test in July and I still don’t have the results. In fact, the test has not been viewed!).

And “my” shrink doesn’t know shit. I waited for a whole hour in the waiting room to be referred to someone else and I saw NO ONE. I give up. Fine. I’m dead. I’m just waiting for my body to expire. I’m done. Maybe this was a sign that getting referred wasn’t the answer. HOWEVER, in the meantime I will suffer. I used to be a A student. I will be lucky to get B’s this semester. In fact I’m counting on Cs. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. My house is unlivable. I have the attention span of a gnat. Should I go on?

Oh well. Everything is my fault. There is no such thing as mental illness.

edited to add: Oh well, I am a little less doom and gloom. Today my shrink prescribed Wellbutrin for me since my depression is getting worse. I just read about it and I’m willing to give it a chance. I thought it was just for depression but it is suppose to work for other things as well. Okay, I’m game. I’m glad there is a generic version. I didn’t know that….I’m on a very low dose. The lowest possible. Hmmm. Maybe he does know shit even though he admitted he didn’t know anything about a certain type of medicine.

I have homework to do. I wanted to post two great writing/journal prompts. They aren’t meant to be prompts but I saw them that way. I rarely use prompts in this blog or in my paper journal but I thought these two questions were interesting. From O Magazine (specifically) by the awesome Martha Beck.

1. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?

2. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?

There are 19 more questions in the article (from the February issue). I think #1 is the best question. I have nothing in me to answer either one at this time but I just wanted to share.