I can’t pretend anymore

I have a problem. Anyone reading this is probably saying, “no shit”. Anyway, at night time all of my anxiety goes away…unless people (or noise) is around. That sounds like a good thing, right? But a little anxiety is good for you. I participated in small business Saturday without meaning to. WTF was I thinking? I “only” spent $34 but that money could go to a lot of things.

At night, I’m free. I’m not as anxious about money as I am during the day. KEEP ME AWAY from online stores at night. I usually don’t have that problem because I’m not usually surfing the net at night. But when I do…trouble! Sigh. What did I buy? Knitting stuff, of course. Knitting is getting me into all sorts of trouble. I’d rather knit than study. I’m spending waaaaay too much money on it and I’m not even buying the expensive yarn.

I need an intervention but no one is going to do one. LOL. So I must do it myself. I just spend money and then feel guilty. 😦 I will stop because I do hate debt and I like having a savings…but sometimes when I make extra money, things get a little nuts. This knitting obsession has to go away eventually. ?? I don’t know. I feel like I have accomplished something when I knit (or read, or study or DO anything). But knitting can cost money. However, it does not have to be expensive. AT ALL.

With all this being said, I will post pics of my new stuff on the blog. Cause it pertains to knitting and I’m excited about it. I love this stuff…help me!

In knitting news, I finished my chunky scarf (yay!) and I made progress on my afghan. Pics coming later this week.

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Spin class: I went back for the 3rd time. I’m finally getting the hang of it. Some of the instructor’s snarky comments are getting on my nerves though. Look woman, I’m new at this (and she knows this). You are an instructor. You are supposed to be excellent at it. BUT I’m trying this new thing of not giving a shit about what other people think or say. Step #1: Go to spin class. Do it wrong. Who cares? I’m still burning calories and sweating. That’s the point.  I’ve never even been on a real bike! Whatevs. Just keep spinning.

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Missing Ohio State football player found dead. He committed suicide. He also had a history of concussions. Please consider not supporting football until the NFL and NCAA do the right thing. (I don’t even know what the right thing is at this point. Perhaps football is just too violent).

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I meant to post the following in my last post but I could not find it. I was googling “Brian Williams”. His name is Benjamin Watson. Anyhow, this is almost exactly how I feel about Ferguson.

At some point while I was playing or preparing to play Monday Night Football, the news broke about the Ferguson Decision. After trying to figure out how I felt, I decided to write it down. Here are my thoughts:

I’M ANGRY because the stories of injustice that have been passed down for generations seem to be continuing before our very eyes.

I’M FRUSTRATED, because pop culture, music and movies glorify these types of police citizen altercations and promote an invincible attitude that continues to get young men killed in real life, away from safety movie sets and music studios.

I’M FEARFUL because in the back of my mind I know that although I’m a law abiding citizen I could still be looked upon as a “threat” to those who don’t know me. So I will continue to have to go the extra mile to earn the benefit of the doubt.

I’M EMBARRASSED because the looting, violent protests, and law breaking only confirm, and in the minds of many, validate, the stereotypes and thus the inferior treatment.

I’M SAD, because another young life was lost from his family, the racial divide has widened, a community is in shambles, accusations, insensitivity hurt and hatred are boiling over, and we may never know the truth about what happened that day.

I’M SYMPATHETIC, because I wasn’t there so I don’t know exactly what happened. Maybe Darren Wilson acted within his rights and duty as an officer of the law and killed Michael Brown in self defense like any of us would in the circumstance. Now he has to fear the backlash against himself and his loved ones when he was only doing his job. What a horrible thing to endure. OR maybe he provoked Michael and ignited the series of events that led to him eventually murdering the young man to prove a point.

I’M OFFENDED, because of the insulting comments I’ve seen that are not only insensitive but dismissive to the painful experiences of others.

I’M CONFUSED, because I don’t know why it’s so hard to obey a policeman. You will not win!!! And I don’t know why some policeman (sic) abuse their power. Power is a responsibility, not a weapon to brandish and lord over the populace.

I’M INTROSPECTIVE, because sometimes I want to take “our” side without looking at the facts in situations like these. Sometimes I feel like it’s us against them. Sometimes I’m just as prejudiced as people I point fingers at. And that’s not right. How can I look at white skin and make assumptions but not want assumptions made about me? That’s not right.

I’M HOPELESS, because I’ve lived long enough to expect things like this to continue to happen. I’m not surprised and at some point my little children are going to inherit the weight of being a minority and all that it entails.

I’M HOPEFUL, because I know that while we still have race issues in America, we enjoy a much different normal than those of our parents and grandparents. I see it in my personal relationships with teammates, friends and mentors. And it’s a beautiful thing.

I’M ENCOURAGED, because ultimately the problem is not a SKIN problem, it is a SIN problem. SIN is the reason we rebel against authority. SIN is the reason we abuse our authority. SIN is the reason we are racist, prejudiced and lie to cover for our own. SIN is the reason we riot, loot and burn. BUT I’M ENCOURAGED because God has provided a solution for sin through the his son Jesus and with it, a transformed heart and mind. One that’s capable of looking past the outward and seeing what’s truly important in every human being. The cure for the Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, Tamir Rice and Eric Garner tragedies is not education or exposure. It’s the Gospel. So, finally, I’M ENCOURAGED because the Gospel gives mankind hope.

The only thing I don’t agree with is the whole last paragraph. I guess he is a Christian. But I thought I would post the whole thing. These are my last words on the issue. He said what I wanted to say much more eloquently.

I’d rather die alive

I took the board exam yesterday. I wish I could feel like it’s over but it isn’t. I’m not certain that I failed….or passed. I would be shocked – SHOCKED- if I passed. It would be a miracle. But it is possible. I didn’t finish it. I did fill in every answer (no penalty for guessing). So I don’t know. I just have to wait for a few days.

My biggest mistake was how I started the exam. I spent the first hour going in order instead of answering the easier questions first. Eventually I realized if I wanted any chance of finishing, I’d better answer the quicker questions NOW. I also took about an 8 minute break halfway through. I don’t regret it but I definitely could have used that time. I haven’t sat for 6 hours straight since I took a bus to NYC about 8 years ago. During my break I ate a child sized peanut butter and jelly sandwich from Panera Bread. It was $4.99 (overpriced!…but tasty).

And now I wait. If I don’t pass, I’m thinking about taking it again in early September. Not sure. That seems so soon. Too soon.

There were panic moments but no panic attacks…thank Buddha. Before the test I was so anxious that I was nauseous. I couldn’t eat until I got to the testing center. The panic really scared me. Tears were running down my cheeks. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to take the test.

Two other things are really on my mind: Getting a part-time job & the work gathering on Thursday :/ I brought a job interview outfit today (have to spend money to make money) and I’m going to start studying for interviews this week. What fun. Here are my interview shoes:

shoes
shoes

I’m not a shoe person. Don’t get me wrong, I do like shoes. I would just rather not spend money on them but since I keep moving, I keep misplacing my dressy clothes and shoes. I’ve been wearing the same flats for about 4 years. I’m not kidding. Anyhow, I really like these shoes. I can walk in them!  To me those are high heels. I can’t walk in real high heels.

I ended up buying a black lacy dress instead of a suit:

little black dress?
little black dress?

I tried to avoid black at all costs but it is a cute dress and it isn’t all black.  I brought a nice shawl type thing to go with it. One interview outfit is all I need…hopefully. If only I could purchase the ability to talk coherently. That would be priceless.

Weekly

Music for the week:  Jason Mraz, Sia, Ed Sheeran, Lucy Hale, Mary J. Blige, Emeli Sande, Colbie Cailliat, Ariana Grande

TV for the week:  Pretty Little Liars, Big Brother

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week:  Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness by Jessica Valenti  (This book is for parents. But I love Jessica so much that I’ll read anything she writes. I would recommend this to people who want to be parents. It isn’t warm & fuzzy like most parenting books. What shocked me the most so far is that in 2006, The Washington Post printed an article on how all women should prepare their bodies for motherhood. In 2006!!!??! I thought I read the year wrong….and the title of the newspaper. WTF? The book covers a lot. She talks about how kids don’t automatically bring happiness (obvious?). She also covers the political aspects of motherhood. I hope she has another book coming out soon). Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World by Mark Williams (only on week one).

I finally get to read for fun again…for now. I’m also browsing job interview books.

Knitting projects of the week: All I wanted to do this week was knit. I wanted to start so many things but I held myself back. Instead I worked on what I already had on the needles. Here is my scarf:

scarf
scarf

As you can see, I made a mistake on a row but this time I could sort of fix it instead of starting over.

I also made a mistake on my hat but I just kept knitting. That is my motto: Just Keep Knitting. 😉

hat
hat

 

still like hotels, but I think that’ll change

nice
nice

I’m back from my solo getaway. It was nice and relaxing. I stayed at Hilton Hotel and Spa. It was a free night from hotels.com.   I’ll start with the drawbacks of the hotel first:

  • no microwave (yet there is a mini fridge)
  • the slamming doors (AHH! Why do some hotels have this issue? I had to be extremely careful and slowly close the door each time or else it would slam. Do you think everyone did that? Really? Whoever decision that was…I could strangle you. So people with small kids or people who have to sleep abnormal hours: stay away)
  • No bathtub would be a drawback for some. The only problem I had with the bathroom was the water in the shower only stayed hot for 5 minutes then it went lukewarm.

I loved the decor. I had breakfast in the hotel. That was better than average. The pool is probably awesome but I wouldn’t know since it was never empty. Even at 6:45AM this morning someone was there working on it. The gym was great. It was empty several times. I used the treadmill once.

So instead of the Hilton, I would recommend people stay at the Sheraton…only because of the slamming doors. I can’t stand that. Obvs. 😉 Note to self: Anytime I think living in an apartment/townhouse might be an option, stay at a hotel for a few nights. That’ll change my mind.

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I had a Macy’s gift card from Xmas. Damage was done yesterday.

I'm in love!
I’m in love!

I shouldn’t be saying this in an anonymous blog but I’m wearing this to the spring gathering that I’m being forced to go to. I hope they cancel it. I can wear that blouse anywhere.

I have a couple of options for bottoms:

option 1
option 1
option 2
option 2

Ripped jeans are probably out and I should probably stop shopping in the juniors section but I don’t love the jeans in the women’s section. They’re just okay. blah.

Anyway, I was glad to go to Macy’s -one of my favorite stores- and actually buy stuff. No more new stuff. I hope to go to a thrift store this summer.

Weekly

Music for the week: Ingrid Michaelson, Ellie Goulding, Lea Michele, Christina Perri, Joan Osborne, Juanes, D’Angelo, Eric Hutchinson

Loving the new Ingrid.

TV for the week: NBA playoffs, Desperate Housewives

Wow, I forgot how much I live for the playoffs. Yesterday was great. Looking forward to another great day of ball today.

Movie of the week:  12 Years a Slave

I finally watched it. It was okay. It is not a must see film. I would recommend just reading the book. Everything is identical to the book. The film didn’t add a lot for me. (I started the audio book but didn’t finish it…not because it sucked, I rarely finish audio books).

Books of the week:    Hidden by Catherine McKenzie, Die My Love by Kathryn Casey, Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything by Iyanla Vanzant

I haven’t been doing a lot of reading lately. I’ve been knitting and playing Monopoly (when not working/doing school work). My goal is to finish at least one of these books this week.

IKEA = home

IKEA!
IKEA!

We spent most of our time at IKEA. We barely spent any time inside the mall. Here is what I got from there:

lucky bamboo
lucky bamboo

plant & vase from IKEA. brought separately.

love
glass

That’s it! I know your mind is blown. Oh, I did buy my sister a birthday gift from IKEA…but yeah that is all. I didn’t buy anything from the mall. I saw one thing I really wanted: a pair of yoga pants from Bebe. They were $64 with an additional 40% off. Even that is out of my (current) price range. But now I wish I had them. I still can’t justify the price. They were gorgeous and so soft!

I had to take one pic of my favorite part of IKEA – the displays:

not my office
not my office

It was a nice trip to Northern VA but I never want to do it that way again. The traffic was horrible. Next time I have to stay overnight. I’ve driven to DC with no problems and Potomac Mills with no problems in the past. So…maybe it is new roadwork? I dunno but the drive sucked. That is my only complaint. One more good thing: The restaurant in IKEA is pretty good and the prices rocked. I had meatballs and potatoes. I love meatballs. 🙂

I cannot wait for my solo hotel getaway. It is this Saturday-Sunday. I want to go now!! *whines* 😉

Today is a nice day. Sunny and 70 degrees. I just got back in from outside. I got a bunch of homework done in an hour. I need to work that fast inside the house. I know I have said this many times but I love being outside. I love nature. I love warm weather!

Weekly

Music for the week: India.Arie, Lea Michele, Christina Perri, Eric Hutchinson, Shakira, Sara Evans, Joan Osborne, Jonatha Brooke

Why did I ever stop listening to Eric Hutchinson?! Big mistake.

TV for the week: basketball, Desperate Housewives

Movie of the week:  I might watch 12 Years a Slave or I might save it for next week.

I typed the same thing last week. Ha! I will watch it eventually.

Books of the week:  Hidden by Catherine McKenzie, Die My Love by Kathryn Casey, Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything by Iyanla Vanzant

I didn’t know Iyanla had a new book out until I saw it on the library site. I have it for two weeks. Better get started.

Feeling like a fool for trying

I was hoping to have more than just clothes pics for this entry. Maybe pics of a clean house?

I’m so disappointed. (Story of my life). The cleaning service wouldn’t clean my house. I said the main things I wanted clean were the bathroom and the kitchen. Well my counters in the kitchen weren’t CLEAN enough for them to um, clean. Ha. Oh well. Thanks for nothing. Too bad I already paid for it. Should I just write it off as a loss? I’m supposed to clean before they clean? WHAT? I have used maid services 3 times in my life and I have never had a problem.

The funny thing is, I did clean everything first. Clearly it wasn’t up to their standards. 😦 Anyway, I would have rather them clean what they could (the bathroom etc) then to just do nothing. ARGH! I’m glad I wasn’t there when they came. I would have died or cried while she told me they wouldn’t clean it. Actually I would have just asked them to clean the rest of the house. FORGET THE KITCHEN! They don’t understand. Anything is better than nothing.

So I don’t know what to do. I guess I will do my best (which isn’t good enough) and try to clean it on my own.  I don’t even have a working vacuum. The new one my mom gave me won’t pick up. If they call me back about rescheduling again I will say I haven’t had time to clean yet. Money wasted.

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Thrifting time! I brought these clothes about a month ago. I want to say I didn’t pay more than $3.99 for each blouse.

lace
lace
love this sweater
glitter

 

Love this blouse
Love this blouse

 

always buy something blue
I always buy something blue
my fave
my fave

 

worn this a ton
worn this a ton

This is why I can’t’ just justify buying new clothes. Most of my favorite clothes are from thrift stores. I don’t need anymore clothes!!!! I would like to visit a vintage store or a consignment shop one day though. Maybe just window shop?

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Culinary school is dead. I did find another program that might work…but I read things like this: (Should I go to culinary school?) and I know the environment isn’t for me. It looks like I will be going back to school to finish what I started 4 years ago – ha. The plan is to go back this winter/spring. More on this later.

my goal seems perfectly clear

I read a finance self help book once. One of the rules was to pretend that you have money. haha! But I did that yesterday. I went to Macy’s and Forever 21 (for the 1st time). I ordered from F21 online once but I’ve never been to the store. I had to keep reminding myself that all I do is go to the gym. All the cute clothes…forget it.

I had my birthday Macy’s gift card. I brought these fab skinny jeans:

purple
purple

How do you like my modeling skills? 🙂 I’ve been to two different Macy’s in the past year. Neither had an active wear section. I had hoped to find something for the gym. I did buy two pair of leggings from Forever 21. Boring gym clothes but that is all I really need.

I just got back from the free gym. I did weights and cardio. That scale says I weigh 133. Whatevs. OH! I had wheat yesterday. I went to a Mexican place at the mall and brought soft tacos. I’m pretty sure the tortillas had wheat. I hope this isn’t the start of my downfall. :/

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Last week I was depressed. I couldn’t focus and I was lethargic. At first I thought it was more of REAL depression. Real depression is depression without a reason (to me anyways).  It just hits out of nowhere. But now I’m wondering it if was just work depressing me. I would rather have a reason since I’m on an anti-depressant. I’m feeling better now. I can actually read! What a concept.

I’m anxious about next week. Work is changing for me. So anything could happen. Scary.

Oaxaca: purchases

More pics from Oaxaca. Part I was underwhelming but here it is. First let me say…no one can say I didn’t live like the locals. I just ate at a place so far from tourist land. Another thing is before I came here I said to myself, “I don’t care how much my feet bother me, I’m going to walk and walk”. This evening it was so bad, I was limping. I will carry pain meds with me from now on even though I’m not planning on walking a lot tomorrow. Tomorrow is my last day. 😦 I’m just going to revisit my favorite places.

Here are my purchases that I haven’t posted yet:

3 things
  1. A blouse. I brought it this morning and wore it for my dinner/evening stroll. I love it. $150 pesos
  2. a bookmark from a guy on the street $10 pesos
  3. wooden necklace from a clothing store. on sale $120 pesos
blouse

I probably won’t wear this much due to the way it is made. I shouldn’t have brought it. Purple is my weakness. $150 pesos

water bottles

I was so relieved to finally find something with the name OAXACA on it. One is for my sister. The other might be for my mom. She has a choice between 2 souvenirs. heh $90 pesos a piece from a boutique kind of shop.

  1. 3 postcards from the famous Amate Books. $5.00 pesos a piece
  2. necklace from a woman outside of the Santo Domingo Church. Yes, I went in! It was awesome. Details later.

  1. 2013 calender. I can’t wait to hang that somewhere. Can’t remember the price. Handmade by someone in a neighbor city (like most of these items actually).
  2. a magnet cross for my mom. $50 pesos. From Amate books
  3. pair of earrings from a boutique $30 pesos
  4. a handmade bookmark. $10 pesos

  1. A vase. might be my mom’s. her choice. 🙂 from the Benito Juarez Market. What an experience! Mostly locals shop there. Can’t remember the price.
  2. a oaxaca keychain. $10 pesos from the Benito Juarez Market.
  3. shot glass. can’t remember price
  4. a bookmark. will probably place in my travel journal.
  5. at the very bottom are $1 peso coins

Saving the best for last…….

My favorite item! We have barely parted since I brought him yesterday morning. $200 pesos. nicely made.

I got some of everything I’d planned to buy which is a shock to me. My bank account is sad though. :/ Oh well, I’m in for the night after being out walking all day. I may try to catch the presidential debate tonight. Will it be in Ingles? I doubt it.