I see behind the mask

By now, everyone has seen the Kristen Stewart quote, but I’m still going to post it because this is what I’ve been saying for years:

I think in three or four years, there are going to be a whole lot more people who don’t think it’s necessary to figure out if you’re gay or straight. It’s like, just do your thing.

I could not agree more. I know some people NEED the label of gay or straight but some people don’t. I need a label for a few things but in general, I don’t like labels. I don’t feel the need to label myself “asexual”, but some people need to know there is a name for it. People think there is something wrong with them. Imagine being the only one is attracted to the same gender or the only one with no sexual attraction. That would make a person feel very strange, but just knowing there is a name and there are other people like you makes things a little better.

If I ever have sex (DOUBTFUL), I will definitely experiment. I won’t tie myself down to only men or women. For now, I feel no need for it. I think I’m asexual as they come. No need to do the deed. 🙂

I’m stuck between 127 and 128 pounds. I’m going to Red Lobster a week from today. I will have a slight cheat day. The only cheating I will do involves eating the salad and bread. The main dish will still be healthy and under 300 calories. However, if I’m still stuck at 128 in a week, I may do a full on cheat day next Friday. 😉 I’ll eat whatever I want.  What a concept! That can be dangerous at Red Lobster.

Next week will be busy. Full of non-fun things. I will be studying for a test to keep my certification. I’m taking the test in September. I think I’m taking it September 26th, but I might move it up a week. I get to take the test at home. I’m going to drop my dog off at doggy daycare for the day even though he probably won’t bug me too much. He may have to go outside and the test is timed (3.5 hours). Most people say they finished the test way before time was up. I hope I can say the same.

This week I…

Music of the week: Tori Kelly, Rico Love, Natalie Imbruglia, Joss Stone, John Mayer, Jennifer Pena, Bea Miller, Nina Simone

Song of the week: Laura Welsh – Hardest Part (Live)

Watched: Big Brother, Dexter

Movies of the week:  none

Books of the week:

I finished Between The World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Wow. This book will be required reading in schools. It deserves a series of entries. There is so much to say. “Wow” about sums it up for this small spot. I will listen to it again (I have the audiobook. I have to return the library book). It is a very short book, btw. Quick read…unless you are trying to read a million books at once. President Obama is reading the book this summer.  Smart man. 😉

Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty on page 246

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeon I don’t think this book is for me…right now. It seems to be for people with social demands.  I kind of have one person I need to set boundaries with.

The Tapping Solution A Revolutionary System for Stress-Free Living by Nick Ortner Science pretty much says tapping is BS. But I’m giving it a chance. I did it twice and I still have social anxiety. :/ It did relax me, though. Sort of like meditation. This is perfect to do before bed. Tapping is supposed to help with physical and mental pain. I’m definitely skeptical.

Planner update:

plans of the week
plans of the week

We are the ladies

I’m extremely late with this. I just saw the documentary (A)sexual. It came out in 2011. What I really want to know is why an internet site recommended this movie to me over and over until I gave in. LOL. I do watch a lot of documentaries but still…I bet Sally wouldn’t get a recommendation for an asexual doc. 😉

Here is a summary of the flick:

Facing a sex obsessed culture, a mountain of stereotypes and misconceptions, and a lack of social or scientific research, asexuals – people who experience no sexual attraction – struggle to claim their identity.

Anyhow, it is a good watch. The one thing that bothered me probably bothered the filmmaker (David Jay).


Basically if you are an asexual you have to put out to have a meaningful relationship. That is what stuck out to me as an asexual*. However, today I found out he has an asexual girlfriend and they want to adopt a kid. I wish that had happened in time to make it in the doc.  Also, David Jay is so attractive and outgoing. And he made a freaking asexual documentary. Hello, anyone who makes a movie will have an easier time finding a mate. BAM, THERE YOU ARE. People like me are watching and drooling. Most of the asexuals I “know” would kill just to find another human asexual. After all we are only 1% of the population.

(Still on spoiler alert)

The other thing that bugged me is the polyamory thing. I have nothing against it. If I could have roommates AKA live with other humans, I could see myself wanting this kind of lifestyle but equating it with asexuality? Um, no. In one scene David is giving a talk to a group of people about asexuality and he talks about his own poly relationships and I’m like, “Oh god no! People will get the wrong idea”. Why did he have to bring his own life into it? I think it is because he was young and just figuring things out for himself.

But people get the wrong idea about everything they don’t know about. Lord knows what people used to think about gay people (and let’s not fool ourselves, some people still think these things).

Oh and “love/sex expert” Dan Savage makes a cameo in this film. Sigh. He doesn’t get it. Finding out asexuality exist is simply comforting to people. I don’t care either way. I’ve known since I was 10 or younger that sex was not for me. I didn’t really need a name for it. I just don’t care. On the other hand, I DID need a name for social anxiety. I was 14 and felt so alone until I knew that what I had had a name. There were others like me!! Thanks to the internet. (Now I realize that I have general anxiety/PTSD but that is another story for another day). It is comforting and less isolating to know you aren’t the only one. That is what it is about Dan Savage.

I think what Dan did with It Gets Better is awesome. I don’t hate him or anything. He does meaningful work. He has saved lives.

*I’m not 100% sure I’m an asexual. I just think sex is gross. I think genitalia looks disgusting. I don’t want any um, liquids near me.  Even kissing is a turnoff for me……..Um, yeah that probably makes me asexual but not all asexuals think this way!!!

So if you want to know more about asexuality or just like documentaries, watch this film. Just ignore the ending because asexuals do not have to have sex to have meaningful relationships. It saddens me to think an asexual might feel that way. I also see how someone can come to that conclusion.

In conclusion, I don’t hate Dan Savage. I’m not against poly asexual relationships. I don’t want to have sex with anyone. Watch the movie and have a nice day. 🙂

I’m coming out

Me: I’m not gay but I’m not straight either. Um, I’m not heterosexual.

Her: What? What do you mean by that?

Me: I’m asexual.

Her: Oh. You are just you!

ROFL. Can I really expect a straight normal person to know what asexuality is? NOPE*. ‘Her’ is my therapist. I guess I wanted some ideas on how to say “I’m asexual” to LGBT people. But I won’t get it from her. 😉 Anyhow, I came up with “I’m definitely not straight but I don’t really know how to identify“. Ugh, is that okay? That is too long for me to say. Fuck it. I’m asexual. Get it?

(*I also had to explain to her what LGBT meant! oh dear I say it fast like it is a word. Doesn’t everyone?).

No. I could just say “I’m not straight” or “I’m questioning”. LIES! But if I have to identify as asexual, I’m not going to the LGBT pride fest in September. I don’t feel comfortable…and I still feel like it shouldn’t matter. However, at a pride rally (if I were a friendly normal person) someone would probably ask.

This so wouldn’t matter if I weren’t going but I just want to see what it feels like. See if I feel somewhat ‘normal’ there. I would do anything to feel or BE normal…even if just for an hour. That is probably my ultimate dream. Yes, I’m placing a lot of pressure on the event and on myself. I feel like this is my only chance.

So that’s that. (?)

Oh and Tina Fey‘s character on 30 Rock is a good example of an asexual. Aren’t they smart, well rounded, cute and sexy? 😉

I’m having my ultrasound next Tuesday. I’m bummed because I have to miss half a day of training at work. This will be my only miss. We just started with training and I feel like I can catch up because there is a lot of review going on. I will tell my manager and trainer that this will be my only miss – unless I have an ulcer or something is so wrong with my gallbladder that it must be removed NOW. Otherwise I will wait until I can take time off in October.

I was shocked that the doctor’s office even called me back to schedule the ultrasound. My other PCP would not have called and that is why I only went there once and switched to another doctor. It took them a week to call but at least they called. I just wish I wasn’t missing any work and that I could eat before my appointment.

I brought a how-to jewelry making DVD from Ebay. I’m half watching it now. This is sort of like my porn. I get more turned on by music though. Wire jewelry making is hot. Whew.

Oh and that sexy women post isn’t happening. I’m totally into MEN right now. Oooh, but one day I was channel surfing and saw Jwoww on TV and….jaw dropping.


You’re welcome. 🙂 Am I a hypocrite because I resent when men think of women as pieces of meat? I don’t think so but I won’t get into that right now. I come at it from not just looks but also personality. I saw Jwoww (sp?) give an interview a couple of years ago and she blew me away. Forget it. It’s complicated. Basically looks alone do not turn me on AT ALL.

I’m supposed to be moving my stuff today. AGAIN. This is the second try. I’m nervous. I hope it works out. :/

Heavy Boots

Yoga wasn’t so great today. I was too self conscious so it was my fault. The neighbors are back after being gone for 3 weeks. I hate people.  I was grateful when they were gone. I said my “thank yous” daily. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. I’m so not looking forward to that.

I should be working on a paper I have due but arugh school sucks. I’m being super positive in this entry. It is what I do. Edit: I just turned in the crappiest paper.

I wanted to blog about coming out as asexual. I want to believe that people don’t care. Who cares about who I’m not sleeping with? Why should it matter? And I don’t think the majority of LGBT people are familiar with asexuality. I could be really wrong about that. I’m sure they are more familiar than the rest of the population but I have a hard time believing that asexuality is seen as normal within that group.  But if I went to a meetup* of LGBT people, would  I have to explain it? I couldn’t just say “I’m asexual” like a person would say “I’m gay”. I would have to say more. And why would I want to do that?

It’s funny, I just saw a post about people not believing in bisexuality. LOL. ROFL. Are you serious??? Try asexuality!! I soooooo wanted to say that but I’m shy online too. And that would open a whole can of worms. haha. I definitely believe in bisexuality. I am attracted to people…just not sexually. I am attracted to women and men. To me that is so natural. I can’t imagine it any other way.

*about the meetup of LGBT people. I found one…sort of. It isn’t that close to me but I could go once a year. I was interested but then I saw that they went back to one of their houses after doing a few other things. That is way too formal for me. I. can’t. do. that. Go to a stranger’s house? My idea would be going to the beach (which I guess is boring because no one recommended that) or just going to museums/local attractions. I guess a restaurant has to be thrown in even though that is not my thing. I know eating out is normal so I get that. But going to a person’s house? Hell naw. 😉 Plus it seems like they already know each other….obviously. I would hate being the new person and then being asexual. O god.

I think I had a point. I guess I think sexuality is private. No one needs to know what I’m doing…or errr, not doing. I do want people to know about asexuality but not through me. However, I think if I were gay/bisexual, I would probably feel totally different. I would want to be ABLE to be out. But I’m a naturally private person anyway. (That is the reason this blog is anonymous). I don’t like people knowing much about me at all. So sexuality? Yeah, none of your business. Next.

I do want people to know that there is nothing wrong with being asexual. But asexuals are only 1% of the population according to some sources. I think it is more but whatever. So what would me being out and asexual do since I’m so shy?? It is sort of a non thing to me. I’m thinking out loud which is why this entry is all over the place. It is sort of like being an atheist. Who talks about what they don’t believe in?

I’m not really conflicted over this. I don’t have anyone to come out to. You know what really made me look into LGBT meetups? The Rachael Sage concert. The people there were totally different…in a good way. I almost felt acceptance except I wasn’t because I wasn’t really me. Does that make sense?

I think if there is one group of people for me, it would have to be LGBT people. I don’t think I fit in anywhere else. Hmmm. Just thinking.

Tomorrow I’m going to the doctor for the first time in 3 years. I shall have tales of horror to blog about after that!