there ain’t nothing like that in this girl

I have never had sex*. Never been kissed. Never held hands. Sorry, I have been on a date. But it wasn’t a good time so there! 😉

I can’t be bothered to link to the book the woman from Princeton wrote about finding a man while in college. All these articles came out. Whatever. I’ve been drawn to the comment section. (If it is something about politics or race, I don’t read the comments. People are sooo ugh!) And over and over again, people say “When you’re older, you’re going to wish you had someone”. blah, blah etc.

We’re not as stupid as you think. We see couples everywhere. We know how this works. Life is easier with a good partner. There is so much stuff in my life that would not have happened or would have happened if I had a partner. However, nothing in me is lonely. I can’t even live in an apartment. How am I supposed to live with someone? LOL. I know most people don’t have the issues I do but the point is maybe living without a partner outweighs living with someone for some people. Do I really need to point out people are different again because I swear 90% of the population can’t grasp that concept.

(*I have had the opportunity to have sex and boy, am I glad I ran away. Yes I ran to my car and took off. Oh, what a night. I was so relieved to be back in my dorm room. So thankful.)

I would have more money. More opportunities. More help….if I just dated? or whatever I’m supposed to be doing. I don’t know. I’m not in that game. I didn’t get the rule book. Fuck the rules. I’m doing it my way. Yes it is harder. But nothing makes me what to shack up with someone or even date. Well…..maybe if I had a partner, he/she could fix my mailbox, mow my lawn, help with my bills, etc.  Maybe I should look into this lifestyle. Just kidding. 🙂 I can see why it is tempting though. I can offer stuff too. LOL. Just not cooking or cleaning. Me no do either. When I was  19, a customer at work wanted to know how I was going to get a man since I couldn’t cook. If she could only see me now. ROFL.

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Today was so stressful at work. I can’t even be coherent so I should go. I don’t think I made a point at all. hahaha.

Time to be your 21

I deleted my online profile. She asked me if I was seeing someone. I said no and then she wanted to start texting. OMG. I sorta freaked out. :/ I gave it more than 24 hours before I decided to give up. She might be looking for someone to date. So I figured the best thing to do was to delete my profile before we exchanged numbers. Once numbers are exchanged the pressure is on. I have enough pressure from work.

Dating to me implies sex. Is that a wrong assumption? I hate the whole idea of sex.  I’ve already blogged about this before so there is no point in rehashing.

For the above reason, I can never date. Well I could date an asexual person like me but ugh, I don’t even want to go there. It isn’t appealing to me….at all. Sex or no sex, I have too much going on to date or even think about it. But it is possible that one day I won’t feel like I’m struggling through life everyday.

So when my therapist asks me about dating, I want to scream YOU DON’T GET IT. Even if I wanted to date I couldn’t because that means sex! Unfortunately that is how it is. Why are you asking me about dating? You think I want to have sex??! Well I don’t. Do I have to spell it out for you? Apparently so…

No sex. No dating. The end.

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Weekly:

Music for the week:  Zee Avi, Jillette Johnson, Alexz Johnson, Sara Bareilles, Jay Z, Matt Nathanson, Justin Timberlake (in the car), Ciara

TV for the week: Dexter, Scandal (I gave this show a chance. It is too Law & Order-ish for me. And I’m not crazy about Kerry Washington in this. The only plus is that it takes place in D.C. but even that can’t save the show. Perhaps it gets better later but I will never know). Big Brother 15 (rooting for Helen or McCrae to win).

Movie of the week: None. I really want to see Fruitvale Station but it isn’t playing here. 😦

Books of the week: Buddha Standard Time: Awakening to the Infinite Possibilities of Now by Surya Das and Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn

Goals for next week:  Work: to be more productive than last week. Frustrating. Sigh. But I did improve slightly this week so there’s hope. Go to the gym 3 times next week.

I am definitely going to the gym tomorrow or Sunday. I will probably go to the one at work. I hope it is empty so I can do weights and cardio.

We are the ladies

I’m extremely late with this. I just saw the documentary (A)sexual. It came out in 2011. What I really want to know is why an internet site recommended this movie to me over and over until I gave in. LOL. I do watch a lot of documentaries but still…I bet Sally wouldn’t get a recommendation for an asexual doc. 😉

Here is a summary of the flick:

Facing a sex obsessed culture, a mountain of stereotypes and misconceptions, and a lack of social or scientific research, asexuals – people who experience no sexual attraction – struggle to claim their identity.

Anyhow, it is a good watch. The one thing that bothered me probably bothered the filmmaker (David Jay).

SPOILER ALERT

Basically if you are an asexual you have to put out to have a meaningful relationship. That is what stuck out to me as an asexual*. However, today I found out he has an asexual girlfriend and they want to adopt a kid. I wish that had happened in time to make it in the doc.  Also, David Jay is so attractive and outgoing. And he made a freaking asexual documentary. Hello, anyone who makes a movie will have an easier time finding a mate. BAM, THERE YOU ARE. People like me are watching and drooling. Most of the asexuals I “know” would kill just to find another human asexual. After all we are only 1% of the population.

(Still on spoiler alert)

The other thing that bugged me is the polyamory thing. I have nothing against it. If I could have roommates AKA live with other humans, I could see myself wanting this kind of lifestyle but equating it with asexuality? Um, no. In one scene David is giving a talk to a group of people about asexuality and he talks about his own poly relationships and I’m like, “Oh god no! People will get the wrong idea”. Why did he have to bring his own life into it? I think it is because he was young and just figuring things out for himself.

But people get the wrong idea about everything they don’t know about. Lord knows what people used to think about gay people (and let’s not fool ourselves, some people still think these things).

Oh and “love/sex expert” Dan Savage makes a cameo in this film. Sigh. He doesn’t get it. Finding out asexuality exist is simply comforting to people. I don’t care either way. I’ve known since I was 10 or younger that sex was not for me. I didn’t really need a name for it. I just don’t care. On the other hand, I DID need a name for social anxiety. I was 14 and felt so alone until I knew that what I had had a name. There were others like me!! Thanks to the internet. (Now I realize that I have general anxiety/PTSD but that is another story for another day). It is comforting and less isolating to know you aren’t the only one. That is what it is about Dan Savage.

I think what Dan did with It Gets Better is awesome. I don’t hate him or anything. He does meaningful work. He has saved lives.

*I’m not 100% sure I’m an asexual. I just think sex is gross. I think genitalia looks disgusting. I don’t want any um, liquids near me.  Even kissing is a turnoff for me……..Um, yeah that probably makes me asexual but not all asexuals think this way!!!

So if you want to know more about asexuality or just like documentaries, watch this film. Just ignore the ending because asexuals do not have to have sex to have meaningful relationships. It saddens me to think an asexual might feel that way. I also see how someone can come to that conclusion.

In conclusion, I don’t hate Dan Savage. I’m not against poly asexual relationships. I don’t want to have sex with anyone. Watch the movie and have a nice day. 🙂

now I’m not sure enough to be so certain

BREAKING NEWS: I think I might be open to “dating” an asexual as long as he or she (95% sure it would be a she) never wants to live together. I have never dated. Well, I’ve been on one date with a heterosexual guy about 10 years ago. LOL. It was bad. He wanted sex and a wife**** (!!!) and well, I’m not into that so…I think I like girls more. Yeah girls rock. I need to do a sexy girl post. Show off my shallow side. Just pictures of sexy women. Not that men aren’t hot. I drool over men just as much as a straight girl. NOT men that I know. Never. Or women I know for that matter.

Oops, yes I used the word “sexy” but I’m not thinking of sex. You don’t want to know what I think of sex. TMI

***I’m not wife material. I don’t clean or cook for myself. So of course I not doing it for someone else. Hilarious. I’m soooo not that. But this guy wanted that. ROFL. Me?? A wife??! UGH! I wanted to runaway as soon as I heard him say that. Dude, seriously? Plus I probably won’t do well with the whole meet the parents thing. I don’t do that stuff either. (I did try to runaway at various opportunities but couldn’t until the end…when he started talking about SEX. I’m so glad I got away. I could have had horrible sex with some guy but I didn’t. That was one thing in my life I did right. Actually I felt like I had an angel looking over me. I know if he had not left me alone for that few minutes, I would have ended up in the bed with him).

Not that I could ever be in a traditional relationship. I don’t want that at all. (see above: wife material) I don’t want anything right now. I can’t handle people right now. But I could be open to possibility of a  nontraditional “relationship” with another asexual or anything other than heterosexual. (No offense).

I think I’m going to a LGBT event in September. I have every intention on going. I want to go…I wish the lineup were better but I feel like this may be the only way to be with um, like-minded people. (???) I can’t find weird people anywhere! (except on the internet which I’m not counting). Where are they hiding? Oh god, does that sound like an insult? It is not supposed to be. I’m not a people person, never will be. But what happens if I leave my house and there are cool people around? What happens?

Will I still feel rejected and like myself? Or could it be an awakening? Damn, that Rachael Sage concert for making me believe this was possible. 😉 I’m feeling kind of out of my element right now. Asexuality/sexuality is not a big part of my life and I probably won’t blog about it anymore unless something happens.

I have my monthly therapy appointment this Friday. She knows I’m currently overwhelmed with school so she isn’t making me do much. Thanks somebody for getting it. I’ll be so glad when summer school is over. Guess what? I’m NOT going back in the Fall. YAY! 🙂 Even though I only have one (very expensive) class left to take. I get to read books for fun. That is what I really miss when I’m in school.

Of course there are other reasons why I’m not going back in the fall. $$$ being one. And work is working me. I have to work off the clock to keep up. Like I said in my last entry, I can’t take a day off for the next three months because I’m in training. This is a ton of work. It is like being in school. I’m learning a whole new system. So once school is over (in a few weeks – thank Buddha), I will be concentrating on work. Even the people who have been there years longer than I have don’t get the new system so I’m not optimistic about all this. It is really a mess.

Enough about work. Back to therapy. My therapist is always wondering how I’m supposed to meet people. If I mention the LGBT thing, she’ll be proud. We might end up talking about my nonexistent (?) ulcer or my living situation. It’s only 1 hour a month so the everything doesn’t always get covered.

I haven’t heard back from the doctor’s office. I’m feeling okay so I’m not rushing to schedule the ultra sound. I’m swamped with work and school. No time for doctor.

I mailed my short sale application on June 25. They didn’t get. !!! WTF. Do you know how much work and stress I put into that? I ignored my school work. They didn’t get it? I put $2.00 worth of postage on there. That was $1.00 too much. AHHHHH! I’m trying not to freak out about this. (good job)

what about your friends?

I worked 10 hours today. No overtime. I have the “too tired to sleep” feeling.

I cannot believe what is happening. Well, yes I can. I think my window AC is on the outs. And guess what? This weekend will be the hottest weekend of the summer. 105 degrees, not counting humidity. I don’t live in Arizona. There is no such thing as dry heat here. This is east coast hot. This can’t be happening. I find it strange that every time I leave (concert vacation and I house sat for my mom recently) the noise gets worse. I’m not blaming anyone…but if people shot guns for fun in your neighborhood, you might be suspicious too. Did I ever mention the guy staring into my window? My blinds were shut. It was daytime so he couldn’t see inside. I think he was just mocking me. He sat as close as he could without being on my property. But I digress…ugh, please don’t go out. AC wahhhhhhhhhhhhh
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I have finals this week. I’m sooo not ready. wahhhhhhhh. woe is me. I have an “A” average in both classes, I cannot fuck up on the final. I just lost my motivation somewhere…
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I’ve always had trouble making friends, probably because I am so different, and I thought it would get better as I got older because people usually mature with age (or so my naive, 14-year-old self once believed). To my disappointment, it has only gotten worse. No one wants to share anything with you unless you’re their husband/wife, girlfriend/boyfriend, or otherwise fuck buddy. It’s like I’m unimportant because I’m not interested in sex. I feel like many people treat me as a second-class homosapien, a creature of lesser humanity. Because, after all, from what people have said to me, humans are sexual beings. And if I’m not sexual, what does that make me?

This subject distresses me because I really desire close, nonromantic, nonsexual relationships with even one individual. But that’s extremely rare in this society, if it exists at all. So I’ve somewhat accepted that my life will probably be spent in solitude, with no one to love me for who I am without wanting to touch me in certain ways or stick their cock inside me.

Yeah I know it is wrong to post quotes off message boards. If it were in a blog, I would link it. And if I ever start posting there, I won’t do it. You know how someone expresses exactly what you feel? So, why bother typing it out. ROFL. (No, it wouldn’t bother me if someone did that to me – unless they were being mean spirited or somehow knew my real name and posted it with the post).

ANYHOW, the above is how I’ve been feeling lately. But it is true…how many asexual people are out there? And then you would have to click with the person. I don’t feel the need for friends but I have to do something or my therapist will kill me. Friends at work are so out. I just can’t do the office politics. Hate the gossiping etc.

It would be nice to TRY something new. To see how much the rejection hurts. (Presumptive? yes!) The last person I had so much in common with “rejected” me softly and I was out of it for a week so…I’m not sure it is worth it. (This guy was insensitive but we had a lot in common which is rare). But I think I’m up for trying. I don’t know why it has to be a male. Maybe because I haven’t had a male friend since I was 8?? Normally I stay clear of men (sexist!) because of the whole “they only look at females as sexual objects” notion I have in my mind.

I hate being judged. ESPECIALLY AS A SEXUAL BEING….when I’m so not. Men make me nervous. This won’t be the last entry on this. This is just the beginning.

Btw, I normally don’t think about asexuality a lot. It’s not how I identify but then again, I also don’t identify as female or as my ethnicity. I just see myself as a person. That’s it.

Runaway Train (part 2)

I don’t even remember how I met him. This is strange because I don’t know a lot of people. Anyhow this was during my 1st year of college…before the major depression. I was 20 or 21. I wasn’t exactly happy. I definitely didn’t feel a need to date or even make friends. Well I felt like friends were a lost cause at this point.

We talked on the phone a few times. He wasn’t in school. He was physically attractive. I’m not 100% sure he had a full-time job. I remember him asking me about my ambitions. I didn’t have specific answers. I had dreams but how far can a socially inept person get in life? I didn’t go to college to get a job. I went to runaway from home.

Then we had a casual “date”. I’d never been on a dress up date so casual sounded fine. We went to Taco Bell. ha! I’d never eaten there so I ordered nothing. He met up with someone at Taco Bell. I overhead him telling his friend that I was ‘wife material’. Which was absolutely hilarious to me. Right then I knew this was going to be a loooooong day and why the hell did I go? I was (and still am) sure about not being anyone’s wife. That is not for me. What I didn’t know was that this was going to get way worse and uncomfortable.

I drove my car. He had me driving several places. I wanted desperately to go home. Later someone would point out, did he have a gun to your head? NO, thank g-d but I was scared to death and I never said NO to anyone. I was imagining ways of escaping the whole time. This lasted for maybe 5 hours. Finally we went to what would be the last place. We were talking. Well he was talking. I didn’t say much at all. He said I was sweet (ew!). He began implying we would have sex….um double ew! Eventually he left the house for a while , I got in my car and drove off. I knew he would be coming back soon. I had no idea where I was. Eventually a police officer gave me directions on how to get back to campus.

I’d never been so glad to see my dorm room! I felt so relieved to have escaped with my virginity intact. I knew I would not have said NO. I’m “sweet”. Or I’m scared to death. Pick one. I did not feel bad about stranding him until later. At the time I felt like I was being “held”.