Forever is a slow dream

I erased my last short entry on the death/murder of my coworker. I erased it due to privacy reasons. This has been an emotional week. It’s so weird to know she’s not here anymore.  Tragic, shocking and sad. I can’t say anymore.


Quick Nutrisystem update: My weight is at 134…sometimes. The lowest I’ve seen on the scale is 134.4. I received my 2nd box of NS food today. It is like Xmas even though I’m paying a lot for it. This time I got food I like which means lots of muffins (for breakfast), meatballs, lasagna, pizza, chocolate cake, etc. How healthy does that sound? lol. After this, I will keep delaying my order or just cancel. 😦 I will miss it but I’m ready to eat on my own.

I’m getting ready for my sale on Sunday! I would be more nervous if I were going on my own. My mom is coming with me just on this one day. I hope it doesn’t rain. That would suck. Then I will have to go by myself next weekend. I get anxious around the other sellers. The buyers/lookers don’t usually bother me. But I won’t worry about that now.

The only bad thing about my mom coming is that I’m forced to leave a lot of stuff at home. I’m having a hard time deciding what to take and what to leave. The coats are nicely priced. Why can’t I take them? Just because it is 80 degrees? Don’t people know it will be cold in December? I’m going to give people a little credit here. I’m taking them if they can fit in the car.

Here are some new things I brought recently:

what a doll!
what a doll!

I love this doll. This doll is my inner deeply hidden, diva self….or I want her meaning I find her very attractive. 😉 I’m not selling her cheaply. If someone wants to pay $25 for her, the person can have her. The price is firm. I wanted to charge $30. I love this doll so much. I’m fine with not parting with her.

I got the Oscar De La Renta dress!! Ahhhhh! I’m going to take it to a consignment shop when I’m off next month…if I can find one willing to take the dress. It isn’t the best looking dress but it is Oscar De La Renta. I never thought I would own one of his dresses.

I also brought this lovely gown:

red gown
red gown

How gorgeous is that? It looks better when you can see the whole thing. I wish I had somewhere to wear that! Selling it for $25 but I’m willing to go down to maybe $15. I just want to get rid of it because it is too big and bulky.

The main things I’m selling on Sunday are:

  • men’s clothes
  • coats
  • gowns/dresses
  • dolls
  • purses
  • shoes
  • beanie babies (for $1 a piece)
  • Nutrisystem food
  • luggage

I hope I can fit all that into my car. I’m going to try my best to stuff it in there…somehow. #SideHustle I hope people show up! I’m only going to be there until 12:30 due to my mom’s obligations so I will miss a ton of people. This is just a test run. If a lot of people don’t show up, then I will go somewhere else next time. The only reason I chose this place is because 1.) no business license is required and 2.) they allow tables to be rented.

This Week I…

Music of the week: Kina Grannis, Mariah Carey, Lissie, Meghan Trainor, Kelly Clarkson, Alabama Shakes, D’Angelo, Keyshia Cole

Watched: NBA playoffs, PLL, James Holmes trial

Re: James Holmes trial – The psych stuff was so interesting!

Books of the week:  Everyday I fight by Stuart Scott on page 82

I Am That Girl by the Alexis Jones (7% through)


plans of the week
plans of the week

ten cent wings

It was raining. No selling today. Got there at 6:20am which was good enough for a  good spot. If it weren’t cloudy, I probably would’ve been late. Just once I have to get there @ 5:30. Now I’m going right after mother’s day or the Saturday before. I’ll share more details later. I did have a conversation with a human!! And I asked a question, made eye contact & everything.

Internet free for the rest of today. I got 2010 versions of Fodor’s and Frommer’s NEW YORK CITY guides today. Geeked out. Borrowed them from the library today. I will probably take one of them w/me. I won’t pull it out while walking (or even have it on me) but I will check it out during any downtime in the hotel.

Okay. bye internet world. who needs the net when you have travel guides to drool over? Did I mention that these were 2010 versions? Not 2009…which I’ve already read. 🙂

NYC in 3 weeks!

no time for tears

To look @ pics of my new shoes, skip to the end. 😉

I don’t have any new info on the dad situation (see entry below). I facebooked him (ha) last night about my living situation so he could know what he was getting into. He has probably answered but I’d rather not know the answer until tonight. I have a lot to do.

I have to sell this upcoming Saturday!!!!!!!! I had no idea that this was the last Saturday in April. I thought I had 13 days to get ready. Uh, no. If I want to sell before Mother’s Day and all of my new inventory is geared towards that…then I have to sell this weekend. Oh dear. I have half of my stuff priced. But I still have tons to do. Do I smell a to do list?

  • put earrings on posts, price them @ same time
  • prepare at least 10 Avon booklets w/business cards, samples (good lunch time project)
  • price shoes, put them in tie up bags
  • pack selling display in one box
  • find gently used stuff around the house (if those items don’t sell I will prob throw them away)
  • uh, price everything else
  • go to mom’s house on Friday after work to pick up the final items
  • prepare $1.00 and $2.00 baskets (have to come up with decent signage?)

The only fun thing for me is the earring project so I’m going to do that right after I post. 🙂 I do wish I had more time to prepare…especially with findings things around the house but I already have done a lot because I enjoy playing with selling jewelry. This isn’t work. It’s fun.


I was supposed to post about my random shoe shopping spree. First my philosophy on shoes: I wear my tennis shoes and dress shoes for 2 years straight. I then get mad that they don’t last and I’m forced to buy a new pair. And I refuse to buy Reebok or Nike shoes (unless used) due to what I saw growing up. I don’t blame the shoe company. It is the culture we live in. Where I lived, you had to have the newest Nike or Reebok shoes or you were tease. Not bullied (big difference). The guys had it the worse but us girls got it too. I saw poor people with no jobs do anything to get the new Nike. People with no jobs. They would rather go without a utility then send their kids to school without the best shoes. Needless to say this has stayed with me (ya think?) and I am just disgusted by the pressure so I don’t go there. Yes I have “weird causes” due to the weird things I experienced.

Also I stay away from white shoes and high heels. White tennis shoes just aren’t attractive to me (um, until yesterday) and I can’t/don’t know how to walk in heels.

That is TMI. I went to an outlet store. *self-proclaimed thrift queen* Anywayz, look at my new shoes:

I don’t have anything against Skechers. lol. I have a black pair just like these. I’ve worn them for a year and I have to admit that I’m getting tired of wearing them everyday. So when I saw these, I was so giddy! Now I can switch. I love Skechers. They are really the only brand I’m familiar with these days.

Ha, I couldn’t resist the bling! Lol. I’m the less blingeset person on earth. That bling is the Guess logo. I didn’t know Guess made tennis shoes. I knew they made purses and clothing. Even though they are white, I think they are kinda cute. 🙂  Anyway, I got them for $9 and I desperately needed a new pair of tennis because I’ve had my skechers’ tennis for two years. I have to retire them for mowing the lawn.

Two pics for these fab Report shoes. Check out that link they have some cute flats/wedges. I might have a favorite dress shoe brand. I can’t do heels but wedges aren’t like heels. I can wear them when I’m not doing a lot of walking…to work, for example. I will probably wear them tomorrow. I will take my flats with me just in case.

3 pairs for just under $50. I have never brought 3 pairs of shoes at one time. heh. Or in ONE year.

I also brought a Nine West purse for $10. It’s black with a long braided strap. I *die* for a braided strap. It is too small for everyday use but perfect for traveling.

Maybe I should go do stuff.

what’s happenning

In two weeks, I’m registering for a 10 week summer class. School starts May 24 (after my bday – thank g-d). I’m thrilled it is only 2 credits instead of the usual three. I’m planning to go back in the fall. Then I will probably skip the winter term and start back in summer. I have 9 credits. I need 30 credits to get my professional certificate and then I have to get certified. The classes I can do. I’m a school geek but that test is hard. I’m not going to worry about being certified. Right now I’m just grateful I can afford to go to school. No loans. (That’s why is taking so long – lol)

I’ve ordered my supplies for my mother’s day sale. With the cot and other used items, I’m sure I’ll get some of my money back. Well the supplies are an investment. I can use them again and again. I’m just worried that people won’t be willing to buy my inventory. My stuff is new – mostly jewelry (only one semi-handmade item this time) and never worn shoes. I have a colorful display this time. I don’t officially acknowledge Easter but I love the Easter colors. I have purple and pink “everything is 1.00/2.00 baskets”.  I heard that is a good idea because people love searching for stuff and I have a variety of things.

Random: I miss coloring the eggs. Yeah I know I could still do it.

I’ve decided to not bother with the indoor flea markets. The reason why I think I can tolerate this is because I LOVE being outside. (note: tell my shrink, she is mystified by this also) I couldn’t survive in a building. Outside I have nature or the hot east coast humidity to distract me. In a building, I would feel claustrophobic. Anyway, I’m shooting for one of the two last weeks of April. Here’s to getting up at 4:15AM and being there by 5:15. I always plan that and then the earliest I ever get there is around 6:45. That is not good enough! I’m not setting myself up for success that way.

New York City is supposed to happen in 6 weeks but it is really dependant on work in more ways than one. Ummmmmm. Let’s see without being negative about work what can I say?


Seriously, there is supposed to be a class (THAT I CANNOT MISS). At first I was told 2011. Okay, that’s fine. That recently changed. Now it might be April/May. Well my NYC trip has me out of state for two (work) days in May. Actually my vacation is for that full week. Normally I would reschedule my vacay w/no prob but I already booked the hotel. Crossing my fingers. This has to work out. New York, here I come.

Has anyone been following the sad bullying case? The bullied person: Phoebe Prince killed herself. Now the teen bullies are being charged. Of course the parents (and many others) are saying, “Teens call names”. STOP EXCUSING THIS BEHAVIOR. (VA Tech, anyone? Do these people want something like that too happen again??) When are people going to blame parents FOR ANYTHING!!!!!!! Parents are the only group who get a pass (when it comes to their kids). BULLSHIT.

No one says about me, “She’s doing the best she can.” FUCK. I am doing the best I can…accept for 30% of the time. JUST LIKE PARENTS. Give me a break. Parents weren’t forced to be parents*. Oh woe is them. Doing the best they can…as if it is a right to be a parent and fuck someone’s life up. Too blatant?

*exceptions noted

I can’t do a whole entry without offending a group. I’ve blogged about bullying a lot. I wasn’t planning on going off on parents…SUPPORT ANTI-BULLY LEGISLATION. She was only 15 years old. 😦

Contrary to previously published reports, Phoebe’s harassment was common knowledge to most of the South Hadley High School student body. The investigation has revealed that certain faculty, staff and administrators of the high school also were alerted to the harassment of Phoebe Prince before her death. Prior to Phoebe’s death, her mother spoke with at least two school staff members about the harassment Phoebe had reported to her.

Some bystanders, including at least four students and two faculty members, intervened while the harassment was occurring or reported it to administrators. A lack of understanding of harassment associated with teen dating relationships seems to have been prevalent at South Hadley High School. That, in turn, brought an inconsistent interpretation in enforcement in the school’s code of conduct when incidents were observed and reported.

In reviewing this investigation, we’ve considered whether or not the actions or omissions to act by faculty, staff and administrators of the South Hadley public schools individually, or collectively, amounted to criminal behavior. In our opinion, it did not. Nevertheless, the actions or inactions of some adults at the school are troublesome.

Angel (The Prelude)

here I am
walking on this narrow road.
Wobbling but won’t let go.
Waiting for a glimpse of the suns glow.

Here’s the thing:

I don’t know if Avon is where I should be putting my energy…but I don’t have anywhere else to currently put my energy. NO, this is not a ‘I’m quitting Avon post.’. I am done with 75% of my Xmas shopping, thanks to Avon so there is no way I’m giving it up. I will keep my account active as long as I have other income coming in because when the social anxiety is gone/lessened, I may decide that Avon is the answer.

The only reason I’m thinking of Avon is because I’m off for the next two days and I was going to pass out one or two brochures to actual humans. *gasp* And then go to a different area/nearby city to toss the remaining brochures. (Toss is a not a bad thing, have I explained this before?) Anyway, then I started thinking about looking the part. The part of AVON. In one meeting a woman said, “You can’t look like a hobo and sell.”

That actually stung even though 50-70 people were in the room. I am not a fashionista. I don’t have the desire to be one. I admire fashion but I wouldn’t actually invest in it. As far as make up goes well I do have one thing of foundation. I have worn it to work once. I have very sensitive skin so I’m not really into to playing with it and I don’t have time in the morning for makeup. The one day I wore makeup was because I woke up 20 minutes early and couldn’t go back to sleep.

And, um people (initials TT) have made the comment: I wouldn’t buy Avon from her. TT, I do have one customer at work who is smart enough to know that I’m not into ALL Avon products. I would have every piece of jewelry though if I had no self control. Instead I have 2 necklace sets that I love to death. What if the person doesn’t have the money to spend on products for herself? Don’t look at me, it’s allll about you. It’s like the people who look at houses and say, “ugh, I don’t like the decor, furniture”. UM YOU WILL GET THE HOUSE EMPTY, %^%*HEAD. Focus on the foundation. What a concept??! Oops did I just go off? Sorry, I hate that. THINK people.

I’m going off on tangents: My point is, I have two days off from work. Thank the universe. Do I want to “do” Avon on those days? I have to clean because I’m having my house insulated (cost: $300). I have to stop eating quick, microwavable food like I have for the past few weeks and actually cook. *groan*. etc. etc. And I wanted to go to school in January (another $300) so UGHHHHHHH!

I’m overwhelmed. School and insulating my house are smart things, right? lol. I have to do those things, don’t I?

This is supposed to be about energy. The thing is, my job is stressful (to me) and I am overwhelmed with everything so if I don’t do Avon, what do I do? Right now…probably nothing. Everything is work and I should be focused on my house. I do everything in the living room. And it has gotten messy again.

Sigh, another online entry about nothing. I’ll be back with another entry with content…later. This entry started because I was thinking about one of my favorite books of all time Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers but I didn’t even touch the subject.



Tomorrow will be busy. I’m going to sell stuff (@ the crack of dawn), do laundry & go grocery shopping. After that the weekend should be a breeze. I have no labor day plans. After tomorrow, I have to decide whether or not I want to continue with Avon. I’m not completely done with them. I still have to order all birthday, xmas and mother’s day gifts by the end of this month. 🙂

I’m a little bit confused about tomorrow. I have no idea whether it cost to sell there. Is it first come, first serve when it comes to tables? Is it free? Damn, I hope so cause I only have $3.00 in cash. %$# I forgot to get money! I hate not knowing stuff so this is driving me insane.

I did learn a lot from the last sell. NEVER (ok maybe it is fine sometimes) present yourself as an Avon seller. People won’t come by. They will assume they know your prices even though I was selling almost everything at least 10% off and other things 35% off. The kids stuff sold. (I love you Miley Cyrus – party in the USA!) One women brought 95% of the kids’ stuff for her niña. G-d bless you for supporting small business! 🙂 xo

This time I want to get rid of ALL the beauty/fragrance stuff so I’m selling it for 50-75% off. I am also selling more than Avon (DVDs, books, unopened coffee, my handmade necklaces etc.) IF I do continue with this whole Avon thing I will focus on necklaces and watches. Sure if something is a big seller, I will continue to sell it like Hannah Montana and popular stuff…but otherwise I’m staying FAR AWAY from the typical Avon stuff.

Wish me luck. I have no idea what I’m doing. heh. I’m going to post pics of my handmade jewelry alongside Avon marvelous jewelry tomorrow.
Today I didn’t have any klonopin. Some days it doesn’t matter but remember today is friday. My nerves are frayed by then. I have forgotten to take my med on a Monday and that is not such a big deal. Even though the effect only last for 3 hours I like to have it when I’m around people all day.

I’ll cut to the chase: Is it social anxiety or irritability? Are they the same? I am anxious, a worrier and when I’m out it turns into social anxiety (which is only bad b/c people hate you – lol). Today I was so irritable. I couldn’t stand anyone looking at me. I went to the mall during lunch – very rare. And I wanted to shout, “WTF ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” or “DON’T LOOK AT ME!”

I should be discussing this w/a psychologist. I really just need to work in a corner. I am so much more productive on Mondays when I’ve had time away from people and in the morning (after taking klonopin).

this ish is affecting my work. help. 😦

Avon and me

It’s sooooooo hot. And what did I do when I got home from work? Mow the lawn. I’m glad that’s done. Why did Brett Farve sign with the Vikings today? Because he was sick of the Vick coverage! He knows how to work it.

I’ve decided to be 100% upfront with what I’m doing business wise in this online journal. Sometimes a paper journal isn’t enough but that will probably get most of my fears and indecision.

I’m selling Avon at flea markets. My first sell will be Aug 29 or 30 (weather). I got my first boxes of inventory in. Let me back up – this is very much your own business. I know a few people who do it. Only one (and it happens to be a husband & wife) is making enough to quit her day job. Most people just do it for extra $$, not really taking advantage of all Avon has to offer…and I’m not either. For now.

This is so time consuming and slightly addictive. I’ve spent over 60 hours on training, picking inventory*, making/printing orders forms etc. And I just started 2 weeks ago! However, this is my business so I should be spending time on this.

So selling Avon. The average person has apprehension going up to 3 strangers a day SO HOW DO YOU THINK I’M DOING? Haha. Yes that is one of the reasons I’m going the flea market route. I love flea markets…buying and selling. Avon is well known. People love it so the brand recognition is there. I’m always thinking about the display etc. It will be neat with colorful recruitment fliers in the middle of the table. People who buy and seem really into Avon will get a catalog and samples. They will get my business card (love them – very professional looking) and personalized order forms.

*The biggest issue I’m having right now is picking inventory. I liken it to a fashion/clothes merchandiser. Avon/Mark (selling both) have over 300 different products. AHHHH! And I don’t wear make up. I know nothing about make up. So I’m thinking, “Maybe I should just leave the makeup alone”. What if that is a big mistake? That’s why I have to get out there ASAP to find out what people would want and how much they are willing to spend.

I was going to concentrate on just selling lotions and jewelry/watches because that’s what I know. And there may be another person selling the typical Avon products. I already have a very nice NY Giants Superbowl watch that I’m sure will sell. The problem with that is that right now we get double points (which is a huge deal) on beauty products. So no more watches until after the beauty thing is over in a few weeks.

My aunt and mom ordered things I didn’t even think of! See, this is the problem. Doing this at a flea market is like having a store. You have to have the right inventory on hand. I’m having a hard time on next week’s shipment. Do I just sell fragrances? And delete all the make up I’ve ordered.? This is what I spend my days doing.

Well I have to do more Avon stuff. Print glossy fliers, online training etc. All I do now is Avon all the time. I enjoy it so far. If only I could recruit other people to sell…trust me, I’m working on that.

If anyone wants to list their favorite Avon/Mark products in the comments, I’ll be forever grateful.

my life in may of 2006

I finally found my old paper journals! Reading and typing this stuff is weird but in case I lose my journals again…Oh, how I wish I could find my journals from high school. To read future “paper journals” entries, click on the “Paper thoughts”. I’m not changing anything except for some things for anonymity purposes of course.

May 20, 2006 10:19 AM

Not ready to make nice. Forgive sounds good. Forget? I’m not sure I could. I love the new Mary J. Blige record. Ah, I need a miracle. A miracle of miracles. Please let remeron work. I want that to be a solution as silly as that may sound. I’m willing to ask for this miracle. And please no weight gain!!! Seriously. And I must do well at work. Of course. out for now.

May 22, 2006

Groan. My tummy hurts. I’m glad I have this journal. Demi. Does she hate me or what? No happy birthday and no response when I signed her guestbook. Grr. Well I don’t know what I did. The story of my life. People can find so many ways to be offended. I give up. How long will it take her to say something? I just hate knowing that she is displease with me for some reason. Sigh.

I need to sell stuff on Ebay. Next Saturday would be a good day to mail stuff. Hmm. I just need to do it. Sell, sell, sell. Make extra money. I have no motivation – fuck. I do have motivation to do the something I enjoy that makes money. I have no desire to struggle with some lame business.

May 28, 2006

Symptoms: a little dry mouth, dizziness and muscle aches. I hope that is all. For record purposes, I started with half a pill on May 25 and a whole one on May 27.

May 29, 2006

Oh Demi, WTF is wrong with you? Probably nothing. It is all me. I need to work through this. You are nothing to me. My life doesn’t revolve around your thoughts. I do feel embarrassed (ego) by having an interest in you. Your opinion should mean nada to me. SHOULD. What happens if you stop ready my journal? Truth: I will probably take it down. I know why you are in my life. When I work through those issues, will you leave. I have to pretend you don’t exist OR admit your existence but don’t get caught up in your opinions.

I can run but I can’t hide.