if I let go, I also lose myself


Despite eating those gluten free vanilla cupcakes*, my weight stayed steady. I never thought I would be happy to see my weight as 134. What has happened? I feel like this can’t be real. (Oh when I put the phone down it went down to 134.6 thankyouverymuch).

*On Monday I said those wheat free cupcakes were okay. NO. They taste like crap without the frosting. I don’t think I will be trying gluten free bread or anything baked for a while. I’m even scared to try the pancakes. The only good wheat and gluten free foods I have found are Chex cereal, Van’s french toast and pizza crusts.


I volunteered at the animal shelter on Friday. It was my second time. The first time must have been beginner’s luck because this past Friday was dismal. Dogs barking like crazy. Okay that is fine by itself. But add people to that. OVER STIMULATION. I was overwhelmed. I don’t want to go back. Way too many people were there and they were talking and hanging around. I might try one more time. I thought Fridays were safe because of my first experience. Now I don’t know if any day is safe. I stayed for an hour. I could not wait to leave. The dogs were sweet as usual.


Part II of the self interview. (part I is here).

26. What’s something that amazes you?

A better question would be what does not amaze me. I’m amazed by people and usually not in a good way. To be positive, animal behavior fascinates me. All of it.

27. Do you prefer that people shoot straight with you or temper their words? Why?

Shoot straight. I like to know where things stand at all times.

28. Where’s your favourite place to take an out-of-town guest?

I don’t have guests. If I did, it would depend on their interest. I know where the best yoga studio is and the best park…

29. What’s one thing you’d rather pay someone to do than do yourself? Why?

Clean. Why? Because it makes me sick.

30. Do you have a catchphrase?

I say “so” a lot. I also say, “Are you serious?!” way too much.

31. What’s your reaction towards people who are outspoken about their beliefs? What conditions cause you to dislike or, conversely, enjoy talking with them?

I often wonder how they got confident.  I’m outspoken in this blog but not in real life. I admire these people if they have intelligent thoughts and aren’t just spewing what some politician or pundit said. Also, they can’t be loud or overbearing.

32. How and where do you prefer to study?

I’m an index card girl. I have to have my index cards and highlighters. I prefer studying in the morning. If it is warm enough, I love studying outside.

33. What position do you sleep in?

on my left side

34. What’s your all-time favourite town or city? Why?

Oh wow. I have to say Oaxaca City, Mexico. I can’t possibly explain why in a few sentences. It’s magical. It is a nice place to visit, not too touristy. And they they have the best handmade stuff. I also love the bread which makes me sad because if/when I go back, I won’t be able to eat the bread. (I’ll probably make an exception for Oaxaca).

35. What are the top three qualities that draw you to someone new?

honesty, passion, confidence (but not cockiness)

36. How has your birth order/characteristics of siblings affected you?

I’m only a year and 2 days younger than my sister. I don’t see an effect.

37. If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be?

my insecurity

38. If you could restore one broken relationship, which would it be?

Hard question and very personal. A friendship I had throughout junior high and high school. (I feel like that is the wrong answer).

39. If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?

I like my first name but I wish I had a middle name. I would probably pick Michelle. Not sure…

40. Do you believe ignorance is bliss? Why or why not?

Hell no! Knowledge is power.

41. What do you consider unforgivable?

So many things but due to a piece I recently read, I’ll say people who know someone is sexually molesting someone but do nothing about it.

42. Have you forgiven yourself for past personal failures? Why or why not?

Nope. I feel like I have to SAY I’m sorry before I forgive myself even if it happened years ago.

43. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize?

Ha! Being hypocritical I would say it is very hard to forgive someone who doesn’t acknowledge they did something wrong. I don’t need an actual “I’m sorry”.

44. Do you hold any convictions that you would be willing to die for?

Yes: the right to kill myself.

45. To what extent do you trust people? Explain.

If someone lies to me once, I am weary. Hell even if someone doesn’t lie I don’t trust easily.

46. In what area of your life are you immature?

How about “in what area of your life are you mature”? lol. I’m socially immature. Obvs.

47. What was the best news you ever received?

EVER? That’s a tough question. The call I received about being able to rent my current house was great.

48. How difficult is it for you to be honest, even when your words may be hurtful or unpopular?

In my blog it is very easy. In 3D life, I try to be aware of others feelings. I never want to be the one to get someone else in trouble.

49. When did you immediately click with someone you just met? Why? What was the long term result? Conversely, are you close with anyone now that you really disliked at first?

It has been a loooong time since I’ve clicked with someone.

50. When do you find yourself singing?

Only occasionally in my car.

I almost do

I’m off today. I got up semi-early and mowed the lawn. Then I decided today was a good day to take a field trip. I was so excited. I had done my research last night and I was ready. Yes I was ready to make my first trip to Whole Foods. haha.  What a complete waste of time! Kroger is much better. I am never, ever, ever going back. The service was good. The atmosphere was nice but there was nothing there. I expected to be overwhelmed by choices. Uh, there was none of that. I spent 45 minutes in that store looking for stuff to buy. That is a long time for me considering I hate shopping.

This should be a good thing. I was prepared to take $50 from my savings (bad girl) to splurge on goodies from Whole Foods. I only spent $12. #WIN The bad thing is I brought 4 vanilla gluten and wheat free cupcakes. I haven’t had sweets since before I went wheat free. I ate *two* of them when I got back. #Loser Of course I feel bad right now but I’ll get over it.

The cupcakes tasted okay. The frosting was amazing! Yummy. But I could tell the actual cupcake was missing wheat. It was okay though. I could have just brought some vanilla frosting and ate that. Would have been less calories. I also brought pepperonis. I got a bunch for $3.99.

Anyway, I’ll stick with Kroger because they have one aisle dedicated to gluten and/or wheat free foods. It has everything except for gluten free cupcakes. I just don’t get the appeal of Whole Foods. I’m sure most people living around here probably already know Kroger is better for gluten free food. Now I know too.

Initially I wanted to go to Whole Foods because I have been craving having a real sandwich. I haven’t eaten bread in about 6 weeks. I will probably go to Kroger and pick up a loaf (wheat free of course) the next time I really crave eating a sandwich. After eating the cupcakes, I’m not sure I want to try gluten free bread but I probably will. I’m really picky when it comes to bread.

I can’t believe I ate those cupcakes. I was going to weigh myself tomorrow after not weighing myself for a while. I’ll still probably do it but ugh, I don’t want to see the number. My jeans are looser. That is all that matters. blah.


This self interview from 2011 is going around the net again. It is 50 questions (!!) so I’ll just answer 25 in this post to get started.

1. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called?

Well this is an anonymous blog so I won’t answer this one.

2. What books on your shelf are begging to be read?

A Nelson Mandela biography and a few more newer books.

3. How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like?

Rarely. Only when extremely bored  or nervous and I can’t pull out a book.

4. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive?

I will sometimes listen to meditative music and fall asleep quickly.

5. How many days could you last in solitary confinement? How would you do it?

Probably forever. Solitary confinement sounds like a dream but sometimes I listen to people on TV complain about it and I wonder if it would be hard for me. I think I would be fine if I could talk to myself. 🙂

6. Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away?

Letters I keep (but often lose them…). Cards I tend to throw away after a few weeks.

7. Who is the biggest pack rat you know?

OMG – my mom!!! She wold NEVER throw a card away.

8. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost?

I don’t go to parties.

9. What is your strongest sense? If you had to give one up, which would it be?

Strongest sense is definitely hearing. I would hate to give up any sense. Sometimes I wish I couldn’t hear because it causes so much stress for me. But I live for music so that would suck. Um, I would give up sight or taste.

10. How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?

Zero times if at all possible. I don’t wear makeup so I don’t need to see myself when I’m getting ready in the mornings.

11. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child?

For the longest time I believed that I might have been a boy instead of a girl. I was around 8 years old. It was very confusing.

12. What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up?

The answer to this should be FOOTBALL. But I was stupid enough to actually give it up. haha. I would have to say napping. People try to make me feel guilty about it but it doesn’t work.

13. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know?

I don’t know enough people to answer this question.

14. How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections?

I read my local paper, The Washington Post and sometimes The New York Times. I don’t read the paper versions daily or weekly anymore. I read the sports section first. Then the metro section. I also like to browse the classifieds.

15. Which animals scare you most? Why?

cockroaches. I will just say I had a horrific event happen to me as a kid.

16. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?

Avoid. I’m an avoider.

17. What was the most recent compliment you’ve received and savoured?

It happened last October. I only remember this because I do Project Life and I saved the email. My trainer emailed my boss to let her know I was doing a certain thing well. My boss responded with kind words. I have the whole email in my PL album. The most recent compliment was about me being a good Avon rep (now that I’m quitting). I didn’t savor it cause I feel like such a bad rep.

18. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will?

hmmm. social anxiety.

19. Are you a creature of habit? Explain.

Oh yes! I tend to do everything at the same time everyday. I hate when someone or something messes up my routine.

20. Are you high maintenance? Explain.

See above. LOL. There are so many ways to be high maintenance. So in the traditional way, I would say no but I can’t deal with noise. That can be seen as high maintenance.

21. When was the last time you really pushed yourself to your physical limits?

In body pump (weight training class) two weeks ago.

22. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why?

Neither. Well more acquaintances than friends. I’m not a people person.

23. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others?

Neither. I would rather unleash the potential of others. I think about that a lot. I don’t have a desire to build my own empire.

24. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone?

I’m an animal whisperer.

25. What do you think about more than anything else?

myself. ROFL. And music, sports, inequality and news.


part II coming soon. I should exercise right now but I think I’m going to read a book.