my misery doesn’t like company

OMG! I have Thursday and Friday off for March Madness!!!!!!! YAY. I knew I had Thursday off a couple of months ago but I just got approved for Friday. Awesome. I live for this time of year. It is the best. 🙂

I am now ahead when it comes to schoolwork. So I’m not overwhelmed with that anymore. I think I was a little manic the first 8 weeks of classes. (not in a bipolar way…) And now I’m lethargic. After work today, I attempted to read for fun but instead took a 45 minute nap. All I really want to do is sleep. ALL. THE. TIME. I have been this way for two weeks. I’m trying to pump myself up. Sigh.

My dog won’t take her pain medication. She doesn’t seem to be in pain but I have to figure out a way to get her to take her medicine. I was supposed to take her back to her normal vet this week but they don’t have anything available. Her appointment is next Monday.

I think my 24 hour vacay is off. 😦 The vet bills are a lot and I still have to pay to take my boards. etc. etc. So………..I dunno. I haven’t booked the hotel. As of right now, I’m not going.

Work was bliss (okay, slight exaggeration) for 6 months. Tomorrow I start the hard shit. I go back to my old department. I hope they remember I haven’t done this in 6 months. I will gently remind them if I must. I just want to do it right. That’s all.

Well this entry is all over the place. I’m going to study for my boards instead of napping some more. ha. I’m so excited about having Friday off, I can do anything. 😉

I let go of fear & the peace came

It was 70 degrees last Sunday……and I actually left my house! I’m serious. I walked around a big parking lot for almost 30 minutes. It was very nice. I even saw ducks. 😉 So what if it was just to avoid the Jehovah Witnesses? (Btw, it worked!!)  It was good exercise and much better than the treadmill. This Sunday I have errands to run so no walking. But I do plan to make it a habit.

I don’t know why a socially anxious person like me would join Gold’s Gym. I mean, really? Worst. Decision. Ever. There are tons of people ALWAYS there. I do plan to start going to the 6AM strength training class at least twice a month on Thursdays. I don’t know how I’m going to get to the gym by 5:45AM. I can’t even drag my butt to work at 6AM, and I work at home!! (I start at 6:30). I’m waiting until it gets consistently warm (April) and then I will embark on this new journey. I only operate in warm weather. 🙂

Today I’m not going anywhere. I worked overtime. And I gotta do school work. Exciting, I know.


Music for the week: Lea Michelle, Pharrell Williams, Imagine Dragons, Jennifer Nettles, Lorde, Candice Glover, The Fray, Elle Varner

TV for the week: basketball, Desperate Housewives

Movie of the week: I plan on watching Before Midnight tonight…or tomorrow.

Books of the week:  The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff, Teach Online: Design Your First Online Course by Jeanette Cates

Goals for the week: ARGH!!!!!! Stop the overwhelm. I was fine the first 8 weeks of this course. I was ahead and now I’m not anymore. I’ve started saying, “I can’t do this” “This is is too hard”  “I’m never going to get this” etc. I’m not as motivated because I’m stuck in the overwhelm. This week is supposed to be spring break. ROFL. I will be working my ass off to get ahead.  I have my 24 hour getaway on April 11-12th and I need to get ahead so I can enjoy the trip.

I’m worried about my grades for this past week’s work. No comprendo.

kiss goodbye being realistic

Good news! Good news! Total yayness!!!! 🙂 🙂

I didn’t have jury duty at all this week. And so far I don’t have it on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. (Courts are closed Monday for MLK. I’m off from work too). YAY. I’m only on call for two weeks. It would be sooooooo nice if I didn’t have to report at all. I’m definitely holding my breath.

And….I don’t have to take my boards before October! Woot! Woot! (so many exclamation marks!!!) That is a huge relief. I do have to take it before 2015. That gives me a few more months to study. I’ll probably take them in September and December. I need all the time I can get. I’m so much of a geek, I can’t stop studying for it though. While working I’m watching/listening to videos on youtube about the test. I can’t help it. But at least the pressure is off. I can concentrate more on NOW. Now = school work.

(I thought I would have a hard time motivating myself for school this semester but I haven’t had that problem at all. When I’m not working, sleeping or reading for fun, I’m studying. I actually like this stuff. Weird).

And…my landlord had someone insulate my pipes. No shit, right? Does he have any idea how cold this house is? Even though I pay $200 for heat a month, I still have to wear 2-3 layers of clothes IN THE HOUSE AT ALL TIMES. Guess what? I’m still cold. But the good news is that the issue with the pipes has been addressed. 🙂

And…lol. As long as I don’t have jury duty on this Thursday, I will be going to see Michael Eric Dyson speak at a MLK event. I will get a chance to meet him (BREATHE) if I don’t chicken out. If you don’t know about Dyson, he is basically the smartest, funniest, guy on the planet. I’ve read 5 of his 16 books. (I personally think his speeches are 100x better than his books). He is officially a “public intellectual”. He also teaches at Georgetown. And he also is a minister, I don’t hold that against him because he has nothing against atheists. 😉

It would be so great to meet him and get him to sign one of his (my) books. O god. I’m already hyperventilating.

/end good news


How do I get rid of really nice Jehovah Witnesses? I told them I don’t believe in God but they came back 3 weeks later. They are planning to come back on Sunday. I know most people wouldn’t open the door but my car is outside…It would feel really rude to just ignore them.

They asked me what I would get rid of if I could get rid of anything in the world. I said “poverty”. But wouldn’t it have been funny if I said homophobia? LOL. I crack myself up!  I thought of that right after they left. I don’t know if I would have the courage to say that to a religious group. I like to call out prejudices. I’m {fill in the blank} like that.

Anyway, now they are going on about how God doesn’t want poverty. Blah, blah. But I don’t believe in God so UGH! Moot point. If I don’t believe, anything you say about God to me is pure BS. Is that hard to understand? PEOPLE!!

Sorry for the outburst. I just don’t know how to make them go away. They did make me think about one thing after their first visit. He said most people have an event that makes them not believe in God. He asked me what that was. At the time I said, “uh, nothing really happened. I just stopped believing in my teens. I’m a spiritual person though”. Afterwards I think it might have to do with my social anxiety AND seeing people suffer. (natural disasters, terrorism, etc.)

I hated god for my social anxiety. Who would make someone friendless? (Btw, I’m used to it now so it isn’t a big deal or an issue in my life). I just thought whoever created SA was cruel. And then as I got older, I thought:  I would never believe in a god who would allow these horrible things to happen. I guess that is why I don’t believe in God. Also there is no proof. So there you go.

I’m going to tell the JW I don’t believe in God again  – if I can kindly slip it in. Maybe they will get it then. I’m not trying to be converted!

This is really long. I was supposed to be typing up my homework. Way to go………..I’m going to take a nap instead. Ha. I have all night to do homework. #TypicalFridayNight

I just don’t love anymore

My pipe(s) burst! I had to take 1mg of klonopin to calm my nerves enough to call my landlord. The good news is that my pipe is now fixed. HOWEVER, if this happens again I am in deep shit. I can’t call him again. Sigh. I have to note that the phone call didn’t go bad. I typed out what I was going to say and then I read it to him. I added some “ummms” so it wouldn’t seem like I was reading.

Before all this happened, he sent all his tenants a letter stating that we are responsible for our pipes during the cold weather. I think I got away with it this time because he didn’t know for sure that the cold weather (polar vortex) caused it because I just called him yesterday…because that is when I saw all the water in the back yard.

Please no more cold weather. This house is very cold in the winter. My electric bill was $200 last month!!! I don’t make that kind of money! I’m paying my bills with my savings (and 401K).

Of course I’m going to do everything I can to make sure it won’t happen again. I thought I was doing a good job but now that I’ve read more about it I see I should be more careful even when it isn’t that cold at night.


School is kicking my ass. I’m taking my two final classes. In May, I’ll get my certificate.  The problem is that I’m studying for the boards and trying to do schoolwork at the same time. Not working. OVERWHELM. I really shouldn’t be taking the boards in June and September because I’m not ready but it is better for me to take it before October. June is just a practice run. September is when all the pressure is on.


What I’ve heard happens to other people, happened to me:

No kids? You have to have kids! Who is going to take care of you when you get older?

ROFL. That thinking is so old fashioned to me. But yes people still think that way. YOU MUST HAVE KIDS. Please stop with the getting old thing.

1.) Even if I had kids, I wouldn’t want to be a burden to them.

2.) No people with children can ever call the childfree selfish if one of the reasons they have kids is so they can have someone take care of them.

3.) Having kids is no guarantee you will have someone to take care of you. They could be busy with their own lives, or in jail, or not interested, or can’t afford to etc.

People. Sigh.

Sweet Life

How could I turn my music passion into a job? Well I could photograph musicians while they are in concert! Just an idea. hmmmm. I would like that. This entry will be all over the place because I’m really tired and cannot focus.

I was thinking about getting a certificate from the museum since I can’t get my master’s in art without having an awesome portfolio. Not that I can afford getting a master’s degree. LOL. But assuming my job will still pay for a class or two, I could try to get into school before my job is outsourced. I would focus on jewelry making. (Master’s in Fine Arts with a concentration in jewelry making – to be exact). But now I’m thinking about the whole photography thing. I absolutely love taking and sharing photos but who doesn’t? I have too many interests.

Anyway, to get any certificate the museum would require me to take Drawing 101 which kind of terrifies me. I’m interested in it but what if I really suck? I would have to show my drawings to people. Scary. I would definitely try drawing on my own before taking that. They have a wonderful photography program, of course. But when it comes to jewelry making, they don’t offer much. I would have to get my certificate in “mixed media”. So far they only offer one jewelry class. 😦 And that is the class I’m taking next month. So I would have to take electives like quilting which I would love to know how to do since I can’t sew but it has nothing to do with jewelry making. Hmm.

I don’t know. Should I just go into photography? Is that a form of settling because they don’t offer more jewelry classes? I know these are first world concerns. I know. It isn’t a real problem. I just wish they had jewelry classes because I want to make a killer portfolio. Maybe I will skip the certificate idea all together and just do my own thing. That is less expensive. Then I could skip out on the drawing class. So if I like the jewelry class, I will probably take a photography class next. Next won’t be for a while because I’m going back to school in January to take my last class for my other certificate. I resent it so much so I should just let it go. HOWEVER, I only have one class left. One expensive class. (5 credits). I will begrudgingly finish what I started. Oh, and it doesn’t end there. I have to take a hard test to get certified. yipee! Sigh.

I’m just blogging out loud.

I love my digital camera. I’ve had it for 5 years. hahah. It is old. A digital SLR camera is recommend for the intermediate photography class. Yeah, I don’t have that. The one I’m looking at cost almost $500. The Canon EOS Rebel T3 Digital SLR . So many things would have to happen before I drop $500 on a camera! So many things would have NOT to happen. Oh my.


I had my monthly therapy session and I was caught reading The Fire Starter Sessions. I’ve had the book for a while but reading it while in school for something you don’t even like is kind of depressing. So I stopped reading it. Now I’m back with it. It is an inspiring book. Great quotes. I love quotes. Not your typical self help book. Anyhow, my therapist wanted to know what the book was about and why I was reading. I just rambled on about making my own jewelry and selling it online. I don’t know. It’s weird reading these books when you’re not 100% sure what you want to do. Like I said, too many interests. Another book that inspired me is The Barefoot Executive. If you want to work at home on your on terms, you should start there.

My  therapist has no idea how to help me. I can’t be helped. The problem is that I have general anxiety. That means anxiety about everything. BUT the only two anxieties that really affect me are social anxiety and noise anxiety. She can’t do anything about the noise anxiety or she’s just not interested in it. heh. And the social anxiety is only a problem to me when it affects making a living. Of course I could be doing and making more if I didn’t have SA but right now those aren’t my main concerns. Noise anxiety is the thing that is causing me the most stresses right now. And also just regular, overwhelming cant’t-take-a-day-off work stuff. Unlike most people with SA, I’m not dying for contact with people. So I guess she is like uh, WTF? lol. I’m not lonely. I don’t want to date. I’m just trying to survive. All that other stuff seems like extracurricular activities to me.

I’m just rambling now. My brain is fried. I’ve been “learning” stuff all day. So whatever. haha. 🙂 I’m out.

now I’m not sure enough to be so certain

BREAKING NEWS: I think I might be open to “dating” an asexual as long as he or she (95% sure it would be a she) never wants to live together. I have never dated. Well, I’ve been on one date with a heterosexual guy about 10 years ago. LOL. It was bad. He wanted sex and a wife**** (!!!) and well, I’m not into that so…I think I like girls more. Yeah girls rock. I need to do a sexy girl post. Show off my shallow side. Just pictures of sexy women. Not that men aren’t hot. I drool over men just as much as a straight girl. NOT men that I know. Never. Or women I know for that matter.

Oops, yes I used the word “sexy” but I’m not thinking of sex. You don’t want to know what I think of sex. TMI

***I’m not wife material. I don’t clean or cook for myself. So of course I not doing it for someone else. Hilarious. I’m soooo not that. But this guy wanted that. ROFL. Me?? A wife??! UGH! I wanted to runaway as soon as I heard him say that. Dude, seriously? Plus I probably won’t do well with the whole meet the parents thing. I don’t do that stuff either. (I did try to runaway at various opportunities but couldn’t until the end…when he started talking about SEX. I’m so glad I got away. I could have had horrible sex with some guy but I didn’t. That was one thing in my life I did right. Actually I felt like I had an angel looking over me. I know if he had not left me alone for that few minutes, I would have ended up in the bed with him).

Not that I could ever be in a traditional relationship. I don’t want that at all. (see above: wife material) I don’t want anything right now. I can’t handle people right now. But I could be open to possibility of a  nontraditional “relationship” with another asexual or anything other than heterosexual. (No offense).

I think I’m going to a LGBT event in September. I have every intention on going. I want to go…I wish the lineup were better but I feel like this may be the only way to be with um, like-minded people. (???) I can’t find weird people anywhere! (except on the internet which I’m not counting). Where are they hiding? Oh god, does that sound like an insult? It is not supposed to be. I’m not a people person, never will be. But what happens if I leave my house and there are cool people around? What happens?

Will I still feel rejected and like myself? Or could it be an awakening? Damn, that Rachael Sage concert for making me believe this was possible. 😉 I’m feeling kind of out of my element right now. Asexuality/sexuality is not a big part of my life and I probably won’t blog about it anymore unless something happens.

I have my monthly therapy appointment this Friday. She knows I’m currently overwhelmed with school so she isn’t making me do much. Thanks somebody for getting it. I’ll be so glad when summer school is over. Guess what? I’m NOT going back in the Fall. YAY! 🙂 Even though I only have one (very expensive) class left to take. I get to read books for fun. That is what I really miss when I’m in school.

Of course there are other reasons why I’m not going back in the fall. $$$ being one. And work is working me. I have to work off the clock to keep up. Like I said in my last entry, I can’t take a day off for the next three months because I’m in training. This is a ton of work. It is like being in school. I’m learning a whole new system. So once school is over (in a few weeks – thank Buddha), I will be concentrating on work. Even the people who have been there years longer than I have don’t get the new system so I’m not optimistic about all this. It is really a mess.

Enough about work. Back to therapy. My therapist is always wondering how I’m supposed to meet people. If I mention the LGBT thing, she’ll be proud. We might end up talking about my nonexistent (?) ulcer or my living situation. It’s only 1 hour a month so the everything doesn’t always get covered.

I haven’t heard back from the doctor’s office. I’m feeling okay so I’m not rushing to schedule the ultra sound. I’m swamped with work and school. No time for doctor.

I mailed my short sale application on June 25. They didn’t get. !!! WTF. Do you know how much work and stress I put into that? I ignored my school work. They didn’t get it? I put $2.00 worth of postage on there. That was $1.00 too much. AHHHHH! I’m trying not to freak out about this. (good job)

short term goals 2010


  • Getting my certificate (by 12/2011)
  • Getting certified (by 12/2012?)
  • Learn how to cook
  • Become fluent in Spanish
  • Come up with an efficient system for my clothes/laundry
  • I’ve already been put down for one of these goals. “Are you really going to use that? Why not just use a cookbook?” LOL. I believe in not sharing goals. It has never worked for me in the past. I only shared the cooking thing because I was concerned about a social issue (info below). Some people are closed minded and and only support what they would do with their life. I think that’s bizarre since we all want different things but okay. I haven’t even posted about serious goals online in years. In the past, I’ve only posted long term things.

    Besides the school goals (or career goals – I guess), the other things I’m working on now because in January I start school and will have no time for unnecessary things. Skipping the first two obvious goals, here is a mini breakdown of the others:

    Learn how to cook: I’m taking a 3 hour cooking class for “fun” in October. It is a class for people allergic to gluten, wheat etc. As far as I know I’m not allergic to those ingredients but it has the most interesting menu to me. Besides I’m booked (time and money) in September. I’ll just say, “I don’t know how to cook at all and this menu interested me the most”. Because I know they are going to makes us do intros. (UGH!) People don’t understand that a cook book is like a foreign language to non-cookers.

    I think one class will be enough for me to get the basics down. Then I will be able to follow regular recipes without going “What?!” This class consists of 3-4 quick meals from scratch. Quick for me means microwave. Heh. I wish I thought doing this would save me money but I’m doing the healthy* thing also. I’ve already checked prices and I know healthy cooking isn’t cheaper than what I’m doing now. Until this weekend, I thought um “making” your own food was healthier but I just read a Korean recipe that had 800mgs of sodium!! In ONE serving. I’m so disappointed. I know packaged food with less sodium than that. 😦

    *As far as healthy goes, I’m focusing mainly on low sodium and high fructose corn syrup. That is how I shopped this weekend. I read the labels on everything before I put it into my basket. Major bummer that the breakfast bars I eat on weekdays, have HFC in them. I wasn’t planning on have none in my diet…those aren’t the cheapest bars, I’ll find an alternative in the future.

    Become fluent in Spanish – I can read spanish on a 3rd grade level but I can’t speak it or write it on much of any level. Is that strange? lol. Probably not. I’m going full speed ahead on this right now. I need to use it more in my daily life so I won’t forget it. I’ve been saying Si instead of Yes for so many years that it doesn’t even occur to me that it is a spanish word. Luckily I don’t think people catch it too often since it is pronounced “see”…but I have gotten looks. 🙂 I’m going to start writing a lot of my paper journal entries in spanish. I’ve been listening to spanish music for years. I’m just sick of knowing a bunch of words but not being able to speak fluently.

    And it may be helpful with any travel plans or jobs. Who knows?

    Come up with an efficient system for my clothes/laundry I live in a 600 sq foot house with no real closets. Need I say more? I’ve never had a problem with organizing until I moved here. Living with a cat doesn’t help the situation at all. Good luck to me trying to sell this place. EVER. Anyhow, this has to be solved by January.

    So there it is. It easier to come up with this list because all I had to do was ask myself: What do I want to do before I’m back in school this winter? This past summer school session really made me focus. I am going to remind myself daily not to spend much valuable spend time OR money on things not aligned with these goals. I have a hard time working on long terms goals because there are so many things I want to do. These things I WILL do.

    i have dial up

    A year ago, my dial up connection was okay for surfing the net. NOW? Not so much. Even Hotmail has become harder to load. Yeah it looks great if you can load the site and read your email. The internet is not a need (yet –haha). But I do need a faster connection for school. I had to go to my mom’s house on several occasions just to do my work. Or I could have gone to a public place which is probably worse when it is school related. (Noise etc.)

    This frustrates me. How do you people afford the fast internet and cell phones? I want your life! LOL. I know there is a solution but my connection is too slow to look for one. I even actually called humans at Verizon and Comcast. Yes I was that desperate! They didn’t give me any hope. The only thing I can probably do is get high speed internet from Verizon. It is through dial-up…and that is the problem.l. I can barely even CONNECT to the net through a dial up connection so how can I be 100% sure that high speed dial up is the answer?? I guess I could figure out something if I called my ISP and speak to 50 different people. I don’t even know how to explain it so the thought of trying to get an honest answer out of tech people…
    I have the same problem with two ISPs so I know it must be my phone line. It has gone out for days for no reason. Verizon came to fix it and it didn’t go out for about 8 months…but then it went out again recently. I really don’t think it is my computer modem but what do I know?

    Wow, I just found out that my mom is getting rid of her internet service from Comcast for something else because of the cost. Blah. Once again, how do people do it? They must have cable/dsl/wireless internet in the “Need” category which I can understand. I NEED to have dial-up (not really but OMG, I would die if I couldn’t sell on ebay, check my email, blog etc.)

    Tomorrow I take my last final! I WILL BE FREE. I cannot wait. I just want to read again and do other stuff without feeling guilty. Instead of wasting my time before school starts back up in January , I have a list of things I WILL do:

    *Get my living room organized. I have enough containers and baskets. I just need to get organized. Things got worse when my dad was staying in my bedroom. MY living room turned into my closet. And it has been like that since. I believe that if my house is in disarray then my life will continue to be a stress fest even when I’m home. So I HAVE to do this. I have faith I can get this done somehow by January…hopefully by the end of October, I will have a real system down.

    *Read more (easy), maybe go to the movies (haven’t been in more than a year), just do more hobby oriented things. ENJOY LIFE while I actually have free time. This will end in January 2011.

    *Complete my 600 page textbook (the reading and the exercises). Yeah, this is school related. But I don’t want to forget the stuff I’ve learned and I do enjoy it. It is an old textbook I got free from Some things have changed since 10 years ago but much of it is relevant.

    *Figure out an internet solution (see above)

    *Sell on Ebay once a month (if I’m not generating any profit – I’ll stop.) I haven’t sold since summer school started. I have a basket of stuff ready to post next week.

    *Decide what I’m going to use my opportunity at college tuition reimbursement for. I think it is stupid for me not to use it. I wish they would reimburse me to get this certificate so I could put money back into my house (or internet access -heh). Can’t have everything, right? I have a few things in mind. I will probably go the associates route.

    *Attend at least one yoga class to see if I like it. One class before the new year. I think I can. I would love to take a jewelry making class or something fun but I do have to save money for tuition and text books. Yoga isn’t that expensive at work. And there are other alternatives. I’ve heard that the yoga classes at the YWCA or horrible (but really cheap). I’m glad I got that tip.

    I have other vague goals like eating healthier, maybe volunteering somewhere for a day or on a short term basis (probably not ready for that – even though I did volunteer weekly at a park for 6 weeks when I was about 19). I just want to live. It’s hard because of the depression and anxiety. I so don’t have a regular life for someone my age. I have the life of a parent with newborns. I’m always tired, etc. So I can’t do everything…a normal person would do if he/she had free time.

    MTV is advertising for the Music Awards like crazy. The show doesn’t air until September. I hope I have a TV with sound by then….but I’m not counting on it. Thank Buddha, for closed caption!! 🙂 O god, not another issue! Anyway, they probably don’t’ even have a line up yet. I never did see all last year’s show.

    perfectly alone

    The AC hasn’t gone out but it is 81 degrees in here so something ain’t right. heh. Today was the hottest day. It has to be a record. I was supposed to take my dog to get her nails trimmed but I decided it was too hot. Sorry pup…maybe next weekend? And I’m not mowing the lawn either. I don’t care how bad it looks. It has to be below 95 before I’ll get the mower out.

    Today I realized I have two finals next week. I thought I only had one. This sucks. If I were more organized, I would have known. I’m taking one on Wednesday and one on Saturday. I’m not ready for either.

    Speaking of school, I’ve decided to take the fall semester off! It was a hard decision – well not financially. It really was more about money then anything. Anyhow, I’m really looking forward to reading books for fun! What a novel concept. I cannot wait. First up, will probably be The Promise (the book about Obama’s first year of presidency). I had it on my to read list – the list is over 500 books long – but I didn’t want to read it anytime soon. But my dad gave it to me so I’m going to delve in. People have raved about it. I’m interested to know what could possibly be so *new* about Obama’s first year…after all I do follow the news but I’ll read it anyway.

    My job will pay for an associates, a BA, Masters or PHD. They won’t pay for my certification. I talked to one school about their associate program. It sounded interesting and wow, I’ll get reimbursed! Then I told her I had my BA and she said, “Why would you want to go back?? I always say go forward.” Ummmmmmm, a Masters won’t do shit for me. I would only get one if I could take 1 class a semester and be reimbursed. That would take forever but I don’t hate school…

    So I did look into getting my Masters again. I looked at the classes and found most of them boring. I have zero desire to be a manager. I see what they do everyday. *yawn* I’ll take my job with much less pay. I wish I could be a teacher. But with this standardized test BS and my inability to um, speak – not an option. Of course one day, I’m going to be “fine” and say I wish I would have gotten my Masters in Education or in whatever I wanted to teach.

    I’m not counting on that ever happening. But it could. And if I get the teaching bug, I would probably get into tutoring. I would rather get an associates or another BA but first I have to get finish with what I’m doing now. Winter 2011, I’m all in.

    I have finals next week and instead of studying I’ve been captivated by a blog – Childfreedom. How could I not heard of this blog before?? I can relate to so much of it. It’s so funny because it’s true. Comedy. Let me backtrack a little: All of my life I have wanted a house full of animals. Dogs, birds, guinea pigs, pigs, fish, sheep, cats etc. But this past weekend with the Mayer concert, I am now rethinking even getting a dog. (My dog lives with my mom. I got her when I was 18 then went away to college at 20. Boring story…) If I had just one dog, I would have to board the dog. That’s more $. Besides I want two dogs. Not happening. I think I realized it this past weekend more than ever because things were more spontaneous than I’m used to. I tend to try to plan things out. I’m so glad my 4 year old cat can take care of herself. I guess the dream of having a zoo won’t be happening….ever. 😦 Of course if I can’t have my dream zoo, NO KIDS.

    Back to the blog: The funniest is The Bitch and Backpedal. Parents do this alllll the time. That is why I’ll try (very hard) never to say, “that’s why I have/want kids.” Because they will take back everything they said. And talk about how great being a parent is. Yeah right. You aren’t fooling me. Excerpt:

    And then, without thinking, it slips out of you. “Man, I am so glad I don’t have kids.”

    That is the trigger for The Backpedal. Abruptly the gears come to a screeching halt and the parent reverses into an alternate self, like the little girl in The Exorcist after the demon is exorcised from her, or Sybill when she switches between her multiple personalities. Their entire demeanor changes. Their face softens and takes on a glowy hue. Suddenly parenthood isn’t bad at all. In fact, it’s downright peachy! It’s the most important job in the world and they can’t imagine having any other life. You really don’t know what you’re missing. Those little moments when the child says, “I love you mommy and daddy” make it so worth it. There is nothing like the feeling of those little arms around your neck. It is a love that is stronger than any love they have ever felt. They are a better person for having kids – they have grown so much as a person and aren’t so selfish anymore. The entire human race is better off because they have kids. Being a parent is so wonderful and their most important and gratifying role in life. (At this point, they’re worried you aren’t buying it, so to bolster their position they whip out the photo album

    LOL. So true. Ah, parents, gotta stand them. 🙂 I’m on to you guys. I’m not being fooled.

    I don’t care what other people do with their lives. But the whole entitlement thing is what really pisses me off. I try not to think about it. PARENTING IS A CHOICE. You chose to have a kid. I don’t think you are a good person because you have a kid – where does that BS come from? I have to laugh at it. Um, yeah I made a choice to have a kid(s), and now I’m forced to deal with their crap for 18+ years. Yeah it sucks but you know it was a CHOICE right???? People act like they just had to do it. It is the weirdest thing to me.

    Know what really grates on my nerves? The Motherhood Badge of Martyrdom that some women wear emblazoned on their being. It can be spotted from a mile away. Women who wear this badge like to portray themselves as some kind of saintly beings for all they sacrifice in their role as mother.

    For some reason, this behavior is not only tolerated from mothers, it’s expected and reinforced. Always there is this perception of mothers as self-sacrificing saints, who give tirelessly of themselves for the benefit of others. The longer they stand on their martyr pedestal, the more we are supposed to recognize how hard they work, how wonderful they are and bow down to worship them appropriately. This is such a crock of BS.

    Now I’m getting worked up! Read more of that entry here.

    Childfree people (by choice*) go check out Childfreedom. You will find a little solace there. There are people like you! They know they have a CHOICE whether to have a kid. They THINK about it.

    *I believe childfree is the term used for when it is always a CHOICE. While people who want kids (one day) are childless. I didn’t make up the terms. I do love childFREE though because yeah, I probably have a little more freedom than some parents because I CHOSE not to have children. I don’t think I have anymore money though…In my last post I said I don’t identify by gender, sexuality or ethnicity but I do identify very much as childfree…MAYBE BECAUSE IT IS A CHOICE???!!! Seriously I think it is because children and parenting get shoved down everyone’s throat so much. Don’t tell me how great it is. I know you are lying. I’m not dumb. It sucks a lot.

    But unlike some, I realize people are different and some people choose to have kids. They thought about it. They enjoy it. Baffling I know, but these people do exist. I could care less what whether a person has a kid or not but please stop trying to convert others with “It is the best thing you’ll ever do!” etc. Oh, really?? Because deciding not to have kids has been my best (non) decision ever.
    I’m going to study for an hour and go to bed. Uh, I mean that is my plan.

    Feelings show

    I’m in school. Classes start today. I don’t have my books. One is coming tomorrow. Unfortunately I was dumb enough to buy a used copy at a verrrrrrrry low price so that means I have no idea when that is coming. If she shipped it media mail, it could take until June 14th to come. LOL. I will not do well if that is the case. This is a 10 week summer class. My fault. Teacher seems cool. My only issue is that we have to take these two classes currently…yet she schedules the mid-term and final during the same week! These are the only tests we have so ugh. Sucks.

    Another issue is that I don’t have reliable internet access. So I pretty much have to take my tests at the college. Once you start, you can’t stop. Taking the tests at home would be a huge advantage. I could have my notes in an organized matter. Make all the noise I want searching for the notes. Throwing things out of the way etc. I’m way too much of a considerate/self-conscious person to do this in a computer lab so ack. My mom has broadband but her browser crashes so much that it isn’t even worth trying. That would be just as perfect as doing it at home.

    Maybe I will contact the teacher before midterms but if she isn’t computer savy (or she has a mac – lol), she’ll be like, “huh?” or “WTF” or “just go on campus you dimwit”.


    One more good thing: The week ends on a Saturday. I had one class where the week ended on Friday night and that sucked! And I don’t even go out on Friday nights. Ever. I hated that schedule. Plus it was a hard class involving legal research and writing papers. The classes I’m taking now are work related so I’m not starting from scratch. But looking at an old edition of the book, did make me question if it was a good idea to take this during the summer. The verbiage is familiar but I’ve only been doing this for 2 years (at work) and due to lack of trainers, I haven’t gone to the next step. Vague enough? How about the run on sentences?

    I can write awesome resumes and A or B papers. The resumé thing is in case anyone is interested. Actually now would not be a good time. 😉 (And I know my blog does not reflect I can write anything but this is casual writing. I think waaaaaaaaaaaay faster than I type. And I don’t proofread this stuff cuz it is a journal. Does anyone proofread their paper journal? I don’t.)
    Sorry about the rant. I haven’t eaten dinner. I mowed the lawn and looked at the syllabus and power point presentations since I don’t have textbooks.

    I did want to post about so much but school has to be a priority. I will just write about what I titled this blog. I got that title from a song as I do when I can’t think of a title or if a song is stuck in my head. (Feelings Show by Colbie Calliat)


    Okay, so today I was brought into the manager’s office about a huge effin’ change at work….for me only. Of course. Grrr! I was so shocked that when she told me, I rolled my eyes!!!!!!! Huge deal. I spent the first 25 years of my life really being the shy, nice girl. I was/am shy and I WAS nice.Then I started taking social anxiety related meds & getting fed up with being treated a certain way.

    The medicine didn’t cure my social anxiety but I started walking around more. Before I would sit at my desk for 8 hours. I was too scared to get up. I would wear the plainest, too-big-for-me clothes because I didn’t want people looking at me. (I still hate people looking/staring at me but now dude, I have style! 🙂 ) I would never, ever make eye contact. (I’m a little better with that but I don’t have it down at all). I really was invisible. That wasn’t 100% bad. Because now with the meds + being fed up = me not being the nice girl. I was trying to find myself since I never spoke (still don’t really) but Buddhism says there is no self. So I’m all confused. What is wrong with trying to find my personality. It was hidden for about 28 years! So screw that.

    Gosh, I’m rambling. All my life I’ve worn my feelings on my sleeve. Always. So unless I know something in advance, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET AN HONEST REACTION FROM ME. I assumed that my manager was going to talk about something from last week since I was on vacay all last week. So I thought I knew what she was going to say then BAM she put me on St. Barts with 3.5 reality stars from The Real Housewives of NYC. (need to see the show to get reference). Sonja is .5 because she has some empathy and is mature.

    Sigh. I’ve been trying to not show my reactions but WAIT people say that is bad???! So I’m supposed to roll my eyes? It isn’t like I thought, “sigh and roll your eyes”. I was shocked! We had a good convo after the shocking change about NYC. So she knew I didn’t resent/hate it for the news. I did almost start tearing up when she talked about the World Trade Center. I knew she thought, “I don’t want to bring the crazy out so next subject.” It’s sad that when you show emotions people call you nuts. You have to do this a lot to get this title. TMI since this blog is “anonymous”.

    I don’t know how not to show my emotions. I’m sick of some people telling me it is good, while others say it is bad. I just want to be me. But me is not accepted in a corporate world. TRUST ME!

    I will find me and then let go of the idea of me. I just never had a me because I was/am always trying to please them!