I’m not ready for it

UGH. Old man winter sucks. I’m officially depressed. I don’t like to use the word depression lightly. I usually don’t use it unless I’m suicidal. And I’m NOT suicidal. Thank the Universe. But it still sucks. I just can’t adjust to this weather. I’ve always known I’ve had seasonal affective disorder. Well, not always. I’ve known about it for the past 10 years.

I’m so glad I’m back on Abilify. I’m never going off it during the winter again. NEVER. So I will probably start weaning off Abilify in mid-February since the withdrawal symptoms don’t show up for at least 3 weeks. I’m assuming March will be warm or at least 50-ish degrees.

When I get back from LA, I’m going to call the new psychiatrist and set up an appointment. Random, but I have a lot of phone calls to make when I get back. Anyway, so I might see what he or she says about weaning off the Abilify.

I miss last winter. 😦 It was so mild and nice. My next entry was supposed to be my top albums of 2017, but I wanted to document this sadness. In other sad winter news, my water was off all day. I didn’t think it was that cold.

I have most everything packed that can be packed for this weekend. I keep checking Chicago’s weather and I think it is going to be okay on Friday. No snow. It was pretty dumb to choose to fly through Chicago during the winter, but I wasn’t thinking. Why is that even an option during the winter? How many flights do they cancel? I keep seeing advisories from airports about O’Hare. It’s hard NOT to freak out.

It isn’t going to be that warm in Los Angeles while I’m there. The high will be 67. The low will be in the 40s. That matters because I will be out late at night and out early in the morning.  I wouldn’t mind that if I didn’t have to pack for it. At this point, I’m just wearing something lightweight and putting a cardigan on. I don’t want to pack a heavy sweater. I’m trying to keep my carry on as light as possible because United Airlines will make me check my suitcase if it is too heavy. That happened to me with Vegas. I bought so much stuff in Vegas, my bag got too heavy.

I’m not planning on buying anything to bring back from LA. I hope I don’t see anything and get tempted. Well, I know I’m going to be tempted while I’m at Olvera Street. From pics and videos, it reminds me so much of Oaxaco City, Mexico. That’s why I want to go. Oh, I also bought a lot of stuff from Mexico. Fun times.

Back to my sadness: I’m trying to put things in perspective and not be so sad over winter. But dammit, I can’t help it. It’s like telling someone to snap out of depression. It also doesn’t help that I felt so sick this morning. I could not stop sneezing. I think I’m fine now. I was very productive during overtime this morning. If only every day at work could be like this morning.

My dog is also sick. Great, right? My slight sickness, my dog being sick (probably from his food), and this winter weather is making me glad I have an escape this weekend. I wish I could stay an extra day. But I don’t want to even think of changing flights and all that. I don’t even know if I can. Plus, it isn’t financially responsible to spend another night at the hotel. So it isn’t happening.

My next entry will be my top 17 albums of 2017 because nothing bad will happen before I leave for my trip. That’s the optimism! 😉

Update: I just got Fire and Fury from the library. You know what I’ll be reading on the plane when I’m not reading A Course in Miracles! YAY!

Do it honestly

Have you ever cried so much that you think you might have a cold? My mom had a cold, so it is possible. I haven’t had a cold in 3 plus years. Why? How? I lived alone. The end. It does wonders. It is awesome. I cried so much my face hurts. I’m going to take two coldeeze just in case. That is the only thing that works for me. I probably would have had a cold during the past few years without it.

Now I know how it feels to tell someone in power something, and they don’t believe you. It sucks. Not that I expected her to believe ME over them. But she didn’t have to say it. That was low. She straight up lied to the manager. She’s good. She was very good. I can’t lie convincingly. I can’t lie at all. I don’t even try.

Of course, she would lie. I knew she would. By the way, I broke my code. I am not a “tattle tell”. Well uh, as of today – DAMN. I sort of, kind of told on them. I didn’t want to. But she wasn’t hearing any of this “not naming names” shit. That is what I usually do because I. don’t. tell. But today I did. And I was not believed.

She lied. She was so sincere. God, my eyes hurt. And they are soooooo red. ^%$#.

In other news, I weigh 117! I lost weight. See? Being thin is NOTHING. Look around. Being thin won’t make you happy.

Oh back to my sob story. Literally. I was crying because:  my manager didn’t believe me. AND Jex straight up lied to me and my manager. Anx wasn’t as willing to lie. She didn’t admit to anything, but she didn’t exactly LIE. AND I ate sausage which is so not on my diet. AND I broke my code. AND now the whole office will know…and talk about it.

YAY! 😦

I’m sure Jex thought I was crying for other reasons. They come up with the strangest WRONG reasons. Who knows what they think. Anx was gone for most of the day. I hope she was as angry as I was angry and sad. Then I’m fucked. lol. I will find out tomorrow.

Thanks for ‘liking’ my posts, by the way. I should have said this a while ago. I do notice and appreciate it.

I think I’m doing the Happiness Project in 2012. I am willing to fail at it. It will take me from now until January to come up with a 12-month plan. I just started reading the book.  I will blog about each month, of course.

I’m going to try not to cry anymore.