Damned if I do, damned if I don’t

I just tapped on clearing resentment.

These past few days I’ve been struggling with what to do about finances and my parents. Two separate issues. The good thing is that according to my mom, my dad might be going back to living overseas. I know this sounds bad for me to be happy about. But try driving someone somewhere in a panicked state. Driving is serious. Accidents can happen! If I didn’t have to take him anywhere, his presence wouldn’t be so bad. But him living with my mom forever does scare me.

There is something scary about FOREVER. According to what my mom thought, my dad was going to live with her forever. That’s scary shit. I don’t like forevers. It seems so final. Anyway, now I can breathe (a little). Because I think he is going back. He probably just came back to America to get some of his stuff together. He usually comes back once a year, so maybe this is what he is doing now.

I guess I resent my mom because she knows I have a hard time driving him around. Why does she make a joke out of it? Yes, I could be 100% honest and say: I’m close to having panic attacks while I’m driving him around so I would rather not do it. That is honest, but I’m not doing it. I rarely talk to my dad. The last thing I’m going to do is NOT take him to the store. I feel like that’s the least I can do. But my mom doesn’t have to make light of it. It’s not funny.

Sigh. So that is why my parents are currently getting on my nerves.

And financial stuff. Ack! I thought I was okay. My rent is still too high, so I’m not saving much money. But I thought I had debt under control. Um, nope. One of my credits cards is out of control. I just got the bill over the weekend, and I freaked out. It was over $100 for the minimum payment! This is a new thing. I’ve NEVER had a minimum payment that high.

Today I paid double the minimum payment  (yes, over $200) and I’m paying more in mid-April. But this isn’t going to get better unless I start working at my part-time job. I might have to consolidate. That may be the only answer for this card. But I want to lower it on my own before I even consider consolidating. That probably doesn’t make financial sense. But whatever.

I’m willing to work 2 jobs. I’m just waiting for the PT job to start back up. It’s seasonal work.  I can’t afford to wait forever. I’ve been waiting since December. I’ve enjoyed the time off. Trust me. I don’t LOVE working 24/7. That is what I was doing October through December. I had no free time. I could not read books. I wasn’t enjoying life much. But I need the money. I’m willing to do it differently this time. I will still nap for an hour a day and then work all afternoon. However, I will take time for myself on the weekends. I need a couple of hours a day on Saturday and Sunday.

I should be thankful I’m not working now. How could I study for the certification exam if I was working all the time? I have no idea. How could I read all these spiritual books if I was working so much? Uh, but I need the money. I can work it out somehow.

Speaking of my certification exam, I made an 82 on my practice exam!!!  🙂 That is the highest score I’ve ever gotten. I only have one more practice exam left. I made a 72 on the first two exams I took. They said you shouldn’t take the real exam if you can’t make an 80 or above on a practice exam. I finally did it! Woohoo! I was shocked. I don’t feel good about the amount of guessing I did, but I’m going to guess on the real exam too. lol. This stuff is hard.

Gotta go.

Hell no

People prove every day why I donate to animal charities over human ones. I know that sounds bad. But I do donate to both. Of course. But I love animals more. Not the human kind. Stop being so damn judgemental. People don’t deserve shit. They have done nothing, but destroy the world. Okay, there are some good people. I have to admit that.

Some people are so outraged and protesting. I don’t know what to make of it. Are they too caught up? Some are, some aren’t. People are different, so their motivations are different. What is it to me? You do you. I’ll do me. And I’m just chilling. ROFL. Take that! Is that worthy are judgment? I’m sure it is.

I’m not really chilling, btw. I’m working and studying my ass off. I’m so scared part-time work is going to come, and I’m not going to be ready for it. So I have to work my ass off while I have the extra time.

I still feel the humane thing to do was to give Trump a chance. I wasn’t wrong. I gave him a chance, and I’m still giving him one…I guess??? He has proven he is going to be a bad president in my opinion. So I guess I’m not giving him a chance anymore. However, I think everyone deserves a chance even Betty Devos. How long before she fucks up? A week? lol. By the time I post this, it’ll be “oops”!

I believe in giving people a chance (in most cases). I don’t like judging people on their past behavior. And I hate judging people on what they did to someone else. That is a whole another entry.

So everyone else can feel self-righteous and think they are right because that is what it is all about, right? This isn’t just about Trump. It is about everything. People just want to be right. Clearly, these people aren’t Spirit Junkies. *smirk*

I just want everyone to do them and let me do me. Not happening because people suck. That’s not very spiritual. I know. I’m working on it. When I was meditating last week, I realized I don’t resent a specific person. I RESENT PEOPLE IN GENERAL.


Today was a good day. It was 81 degrees. I sat and read on the porch. Unfortunately, my dog barked 60% of the time because he could see or hear other people. So that kind of ruined it because I’m wondering if he’s bothering others but I still got a ton of reading done. I also went to Michaels. I bought me some stuff, but I also bought my mom mother’s day stuff and birthday gifts for my sister. I got 20% off everything. SCORE!

Speaking of reading. I’m reading a book that is just WOW. I started reading  Gosnell: The Untold Story of America’s Most Prolific Serial Killer because I love reading about serial killers. I thought it was very strange that I’d never heard of Gosnell. I know every serial killer. That’s my thing. 😉 Here’s the catch: He was a doctor who performed abortions. Sigh. Does that make him a serial killer?

Double sigh. I’m pro-choice. Abortion isn’t a big issue to me. I care more other things like criminal justice reform, for example. Anyway, he performed late-term abortions. Some of the women died during the procedure. So I’m going to give this book a chance even though it is written from a pro-life stance. I can roll my eyes at some of the pro-life stuff, but what he did was unsafe and illegal.

He killed fetuses who could’ve lived on their own. How sad. I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish this book. Will this book make me pro-life? I doubt it because I think women should be able to choose, BUT I don’t really spend a lot of time thinking about abortion. I know that makes me a weird progressive. I just care about other issues more.

So far I am disgusted by Gosnell, and I’m just at the beginning of the book. He did some horrible things. I don’t even want to repeat what he did (but I might later with a warning). Google him or check out this book if you are interested. There’s also a movie (documentary?)  on him. I haven’t seen it yet.

 

say anthing

Sports shows drive me nuts sometimes. I know they have to fill the airwaves with something. But not well thought out questions like, “How is Brett Favre’s issue going to affect his playing tonight?” are lame. NO ONE KNOWS…except maybe Favre. Everyone reacts differently so asking other football players…ugh. Pointless talk. It could affect his play. It could not. How about that?

I always root against Favre. So go J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS! (or however they say it – heh)
————
I’m still hoping I don’t have carpal tunnel syndrome. I hope it is the way I’ve been sleeping for the past few months. The only thing that bothers me is that all the websites say you should go to the doctor ASAP. That could lesson the problem so of course I want to consider that but on the other hand, I want to make sure it isn’t due to my bad sleeping habits. So I’m going to give it 6 weeks before I make a decision unless it gets unbearable at work.

———
I can take a bus from San Antonio, TX (there is a SA in Mexico too) to Mexico City for under $300 (ROUNDTRIP!!). Too bad I live 1500 miles away from San Antonio. Heh. I will probably have to fly out to SA. I’m not a long bus ride person but I would take a bus from where I live to Mexico since it is no doubt cheaper than a plane ride. But I don’t think I have the time. As of right now I’m 100% focused on just visiting Mexico, not living there. I know I will love it. I love the history (well it is a sad history but you know what I mean) and the arts and crafts. I don’t think it is possible for me not to have a good time. But living there? There are too many towns and cities to consider from afar. I just want to travel around a ton before I think too much about moving.

I feel weird not mentioning the flooding going on in Mexico right now. Oaxaca (where I plan to stay on my first visit) got hit hard as well as Mexico City. Last I heard 9 people from Oaxaca died. I don’t know what to say. If you pray, please keep Mexico in your prayers, as well as Pakistan, the Chilean miners etc. etc.Yes I am aware there are things going on in America, Africa and all over as well.

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WORK/PEOPLE

When I feel intimidated by a person, I intellectually know that it is my “fault” or maybe “issue” is a better word. But than again, I’m intimidated by most people so…

I’m starting to resent certain people at work putting their issues 100% on me. 100%??? C’mon, how can that be? I help people when they come to my desk and ask me questions. Nicely. I’m not confident in all my answers so some of my answers are non-answers (“This is what I do but I’m not sure it is right”). But I am always pleasant one on one. So why it is my fault that they are scared to mention issues TO ME. Hello? You are scared of me. That isn’t my fault. That is your issue. So please stop saying, “You can’t talk to her”, when in fact people DO talk to me.

I even went up to Jx and said “Please tell me if I’m doing something wrong so I can learn”. This was months ago. How quickly they forget. And no Jx isn’t the one saying I’m not part of the team etc.

I just want them to realize that they have issues. It isn’t 100% me. I’m fine. LOL. They are projecting their crap all over me. And the gossip doesn’t help. Is it right to think that just because I’ve had issues with Dx* that everyone should stay clear? Obviously others don’t feel that way. They think on their own which is what I expect out of adults.

*Nothing major. She once raised her voice at me and I was on the verge of tears. But before that a lot of other crap happened. She knows she hasn’t been an angel when it comes to me. She claims she has changed, found god, whatever. I also have issues with letting past behavior go. I have a hard time believing Dx has completely changed. Yes she has changed some. But things I care about out, she hasn’t changed on so I’ve accept that we won’t ever be faux friendly.

I know the main issue: They refuse to admit that they are frightened. That can’t be it. They aren’t scared of a girl who never talks! IT MUST BE ME. I have no problem admitting that I am scared to talk to them (unless approached first….)

Anyhow, I refuse to take the blame for them being scared of me. I really don’t bite. They do (IMO – lol). So stop with your team crap. If my manager ever mentions it, I will say that I can’t help if some of them aren’t comfortable around me. I have proof of asking to be approached TWICE.

THEY HAVE ISSUES TOO. Don’t blame everything on me.

my anger runneth over

I don’t know. I never quit on school stuff but I’m beginning to think it would be great to get a C. All because of all this shit!

I’m sick of social people defining everything! OKay? I don’t live with anyone because I don’t want anyone in my fucking house? GOT THAT?
Don’t expect me to do shit.

I’m sick of hearing how uncomfortable they are. Everytime I’m in public, I’m uncomfortable. so deal with it.

I would do anything for him not to come. I NEED TO STUDY. I NEED TO MOW MY LAWN. YET I’M DOING LAUNDRY FOR YOUR ASS. I SKIMP ON LAUNDRY FOR ME.

I’M NOT COOKING. CLEANING IS A JOKE. LOL. SERIOUSLY. SO ONCE YOU CHECK IN, YOU WON’T BE COMING BACK.

AND I AM SO DAMN TIRED, YOU PROBABLY WON’T FEEL WELCOMED BECAUSE I’M SO PISSED OFF ALREADY. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’VE HAD TO DO AND NOT DO ALREADY.

I’M DONE.

and to everyone else. NEVER ever invite yourself to someone’s house….especially if they are an introvert. Secretly they may be steaming. Me? I don’t do it secretly.

screw you!

I need a case load of valium STAT

I’m not going to apologize for offending anyone cause no one gives a shit about what I have to say. Not digging for comments. Just stating the truth (and trying to say offensive stuff without feeling bad). Everyone else does it. ha.

I wish I could just kill myself. X wouldn’t get it. X has options. X has problems but can hide them well enough to work in an office. I hate X…hate is a strong word. Resent is probably better. I hear X everyday talk about how “her (my) life isn’t that bad”. How would you know X? Have you ever walked in my shoes? If you are anything like me, well you can’t because #1.  you can act very well while at work. #2. I hear about your after work activities. So I know we are living VERY different lives.

X = 85% of America

One day America will be filled with type A, out for blood, extroverts.  (Where will art go?) To introverts it may feel that way now but nah, we are still around. I’m not multiplying AKA breeding. That is a good thing. I do not want to leave a child with my genes in this world. It is only going to get worse. The weak in America don’t breed…the weakest of the weak. I’m proof of Darwin’s theory. Survival of the fittest.

Yep, I’m  over generalizing (big time) because I’m ticked off & spitting it out fast. I’m an introvert with no artistic gifts…or gifts of any kind.

No I really don’t hate X and that’s what makes me resent X. How can I ever be at peace if I resent X? I will never be able to call myself a Buddhist.

WAIT – Back to work: DX I do not feel entitled to work at home. And OX I have lost a lot of respect for you believing something just because DX said it. I heard DX say that to a group of people (vomit) including OX. I hope you would not just believe everything she says like everyone else. I gave you too much credit.

About working @ home: HELLO?! I didn’t invent this concept. More than half of “our” department works at home. What a privilege. They love it and take full advantage of the benefits and get really pissed when they have  to come in. 😉 Yes I would like that but I’m new and I know they aren’t sending people home so my chances were (and are now officially nil) very slim of ever being that lucky. Yes the thought made me drool…

But entitled? Honey, no. (condensing, yes). I know I would work better in a quiet environment. I’m Woody Allen neurotic. (I need another example). Offices and me don’t get along. That is why I had the breakdown. If I can’t work in an office environment, I will be jobless. (remember, McDonald’s and Target aren’t viable options). I did ask if I could work for one day in a conference room. Bad move on my part. That was another day when I was fed up. She understandably said no & gave reasons etc.

But all I could think of is how quiet it would be. How serene…better than working at home probably. I walk by those empty rooms, some with computers and yearn. But that “can’t” happen. It really could but it isn’t going to so case closed. I’ve worked in quiet at my current job and I totally get lost in my work. I like it. But that won’t happen again. I do work better when alone. It has been proven on the rare chances I’ve had that privilege.  All the office distractions are no good for me. I’m surprised (and thankful), I can get any work done.

I was 90% sure I was getting fired terminated today. All the whispering and then get this: When I walked up to the elevators, there was a group of people there. That in itself is unusual. Usually I’m the only person there. Anyhow it took the elevator too long to come so I started heading toward the stairs. And what did someone YELL? “Last Day!” rofl. Of course she could have been talking about it being Friday but I allowed that to put a deep fear in me. A heavy sense of dread fell on me and it lasted all day.

So I’m still there. Do I think my days are numbered? Yes.

One more thing: DX did the same thing I did. She admitted this in a meeting….with the manager and all of our department. Did she get a verbal warning?? No. No one (besides my manager maybe because of me) even blinked an eye. No one realized that this is wrong because it one of those dumb rules. Do you know how much I wanted to ask my manager, “So that’s okay to do??” I wouldn’t have said, “is she getting a warning?” because I didn’t like when I got one. DX, You may not have a sense of entitlement but you are entitled my dear. I know life isn’t fair. I don’t need to be told that…..

Without this job I would rarely update this thing. Then I would be blogging about organizing, flea markets etc. I’m so depressed. All I plan to do this weekend is take some books back to the library but there is a huge event going on. Even though I live only a short ride away, I may not be able to make it. I hope I can renew my books…

hate being an earthling

I’m sad but what else is new?

lot of snow for one hour

We are supposed to get a foot of snow. I guess I’m not going to the library tomorrow OR work. I was just going to work a couple hours but oh well. If I don’t have to leave, I’m not. I’m glad I got my dog her xmas gift. But what about my cat? She is really picky and enjoys the toys she has so….I probably won’t get her anything. Bad pet mom.

I got bit in the ass by karma. Bad karma. I totally deserve it for breaking a rule. It isn’t work related (Thank da universe!).

Indulgence in vice… materialistic attractions never propel one towards success in life! Gaining materialistic comforts does not mean gaining success in life. Whatever our position in society today… whatever our material or materialistic accomplishments… at the time of death of body… that which manifests in next manifestation are our virtues… resulting from positive karma!

I shouldn’t care but I don’t understand how anyone can deny karma exists. If people are paying attention, they will see it in their lives everyday. Every time when someone says, “That’s what I get…” Karma! But people like to talk about undeveloped countries and death of “good” people to point out how karma can’t be real. *groan* Tired of that argument. And life on earth is hell. Death is a gift. I’m not going on a karma tangent.

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I don’t know about Jupiter, but shy people are the most misunderstood person on Earth. This is what fuels my anger, depression, anxiety etc. How would anyone feel if they are constantly being judged INCORRECTLY? Just because of something you can’t 100% control. (some do get less shy). Hell you would hate people too. Hate is a strong word but I’m highly annoyed by people especially when they are in groups. I know I’m not the only one…I just wish people would TRY to understand. Instead they use that energy to judge.

::exasperated::

30 years old, no relationship, no friends except for co-workers who laugh at me behind my back … There was a time that I tried to make friends and tried hard to fit in but I have stopped caring now.

Even if I had someone beside me I would worry all day that the person doesn’t really like me or put them off by not getting on with them as other girls do. Come to think of it, being alone is so much more comfortable than having to deal with the crap. So you see, there are pros and cons in both sides and I think the side I am in now is better. I really don’t care anymore except maybe on a Friday night

there are others out that. Hate reading those message boards. I feel helpless. 😦

A lot of people throughout my life have pointed out my lack of talking/quietness. I think they are simply bewildered at the thought of me showing no “real” personality. They have been around me for months, perhaps even years, and yet they don’t really know me, and they wonder, “can he really be this lifeless, this dull, and this uninspiring?”

Of course, the point of displaying such a lack of personality is so that it won’t be out there for someone to judge. If there is no real personality, then they can’t judge the real me.

But honestly, it doesn’t even matter if I WANTED to put my personality out there, because my body, mind, and soul have all learned that this is the best way to deal with things. To just shut down and be “lifeless.” Even though I am actually full of life, ideas, opinions, humor, etc. I squish it all down and don’t dare show it to anyone. If I try, then I am fighting what have ingrained into myself.

So I don’t want to be this lifeless drone trying to offend anyone, always being way too weak and unassertive, so I will of course fight it till whenever it is I overcome it or die. What I hope to accomplish is to at least not be defined by this quietness or “lack of personality.”

agree

I have experienced this at work. People say to my face, “Wow. You’re even quieter than _____ (another quiet person where I work).” I just get angry at that. What am I supposed to say to that?? I end up thinking people who make comments like this are rude. I get passive-aggressive and become even less talkative in their presence. “Screw them” is my general attitude. Another person at work made a comment about my demeanor, saying, “You’re so quiet!” I actually verbalized my feelings that time, saying, “Well, how do you expect me to act? You want me to be someone I’m not?”

If anyone wants to kill me for posting their quotes, feel free.

Betcha Gon’ Know

Welcome to a day of my life

The problem is I have a work ethic. I’m even thinking about going back tonight (after the place is closed). I wouldn’t get much down because only 30% of the system is up. I hate what this has become. If I can get concrete evidence to show what they are doing, I will. Taping people w/o their permission is illegal here…but I really don’t care. I’m not trying to take anyone to court.

It is hard & often impossible to prove people are giving certain people more information so they can do their work correctly. lol. But that isn’t the only thing. If that was the only problem, I wouldn’t have one. I mentioned it to my ‘trainer’ and she told. I will never trust people. Never. I haven’t since I’ve been smart enough to know…

it’s too dangerous to be in the vicinity of where you are

Anyhow, my days are numbered. Fuck them. I would kill myself so they can have blood on their hands but I’m not killing myself over a job. I’ll just wait until my mother dies of natural causes. Then BANG, I’m dead. Why do I have a conscience? Actually I’m thankful I’m not that depressed to really want to do it today. Been there, tried that.

Betcha Gon Know how it feels when i get you back

I won’t get you back but the universe will…if it already hasn’t. I’ve seen what’s happened to you over the past year and yet you don’t connect it to anything. Interesting.

And you see your whole world collapse
I’m gonna lalalalala laugh
I’m gonna lalalalala laugh
I’m gonna lalalalala laugh

How can they say, “nothing can be that bad”? #1. I’m melancholy by nature. 2. I’m mildly depressed. 3. I have social anxiety. Now if you are LUCKY enough to not know what that has to do with anything then SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU UNGRATEFUL, UNEMPHATIC, CLAIM TO BE CHRISTIAN BASTARDS.

I should try to say what I really feel but it is hard to get out when you know that NO ONE gets it (besides maybe people with agoraphobia or extreme social anxiety).

Note to DEBBIE: Socially anxious people hate attention. Why do you think your presence irks me so much? It must be nice not to understand, to be able to relate to people, and suck up and get jobs. I wish I knew how that feels. Wanna tell me?

Your like : Are you OK?
I’m like : mmm, alright lil sleep and i’ll be fine
But if you only knew what was in the back of my mind
already stung, but your really gonna find out in time

You don’t know the depth of my anger and resentment of your ability to be normal. Some people have tried to show people the anger…but people don’t listen. Will you ever get it? EVER? geesh.

You got me all crazy, somewhere down the line your gonna get what you deserve…you F*****G jerk

One day. Thank god for music. Sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me going.

but your gonna know how this feels
Even if it’s the last thing i ever do