acquiescence leads to rage

Work sucked today.

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Her: Are you interested in dating?

Me: Uh, no. Not really. Ummm, Maybe if I didn’t have to live with the person EVER. *laughs* Um, maybe with a loner. Ugh, I don’t think so….

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What the &^%#? I’m 95% sure I’m not interested in dating. But she caught me off guard. However, I am a romantic. I believe in soul mates and all that…just not for me. That isn’t a life I want. Most of the time I think dating/being in a relationship sounds like hell. Complete hell. I can’t believe people can go through it. I have enough to deal with. How about being in the presence of other people? DATING? Uh, yeah that is totally what I’m thinking about. LOL.

I have other issues if you know what I mean.

It did occur to me to mention asexuality but I thought that might be too much for her to take in. 😉 If people can’t get atheism (see below), then asexuality will go right over their heads.

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I had my monthly therapy session today. I thought it was another ‘go nowhere’ session. But maybe not. Sometimes I do wonder if she gets it. I mean, I know she knows I have social anxiety. It is the other issues that go with it that I wonder if she understands.

So she wants me to get out there. What a cruel thing to ask of someone. I know. Doesn’t she get that I’d rather go to the dentist than be around people? I really don’t think she gets it…at all. She thinks I want to be around humans. ROFL.

Anyhow, she mentions joining a group. Okay fine. But then she mentions a church! A freaking church. Me and god don’t really go together. How many times do I have to tell people that? Do I have to scream it? I apologize for the outburst. I have nothing against going to a church for class. And even if I didn’t have to join, how awkward would it be to be around members?

person: I haven’t seen you here. Are you new?

Me: Yes……..

It would be great if it ended there. But how do you say “I don’t come here on Sundays because I’m an atheist“. HOW AWKWARD IS THAT? So I either have to fake it or alienate myself. I’m sick of faking it. Why do you think I’m so bitter? Okay, that is only 30% of the reason.

Sigh. I am looking into churches because they seem to have more options. It will be awkward calling to find out about membership and classes. Some churches offer yoga classes but if I’m not a member am I welcomed? What does being a member entail? I know one church requires a day long orientation with a lot of interaction. And that is why I didn’t join that place.

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I mentioned in a previous post about how I’m interested in activism. So what happens? I see this opportunity at work! It is a Hispanic diversity group. I’m not Hispanic but what the group does interests me so I joined. I just hope the first meeting isn’t like a meet and greet. That sounds like hell (again). One of the groups in another state is having leaders speak. That is something I can attend. But just meeting people??

I’m so lost with this human social stuff. That is an understatement.

But I’m glad I joined. Let’s see where it ends up.

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Back to my therapy session. She asked me how I would vision my life without social anxiety. I couldn’t answer. Eventually I just rambled. I’ve had SA years before I knew it existed. So all of my dreams have been crushed by knowing that I have SA. I don’t think about life without it. I guess it hurts too much. But I am well aware of what I am lacking/missing. Very aware.

I’m going to search for some interesting social groups. Interesting and social don’t go together very well. This is hard. But I have an excuse to surf the net until I find some meetings/classes/groups.

Gotta go.

All is well?

The  power went out @ 2am. There was a car accident two blocks away.  It was and still is freezing in my house. I think the power came back on around 10am (the power company left me a voicemail). I assumed that my heater would come back on when the power did. I thought I would be coming back to a somewhat warm house. NO. I was so worried about my kitty. She felt as cold as the house this morning.  My mom is not impressed with this little story. She went without heat for 5-6 days a couple of weeks ago. Who can blame me for being concerned about my cat? Even though she bit me Sunday night….grrr!

It is sleeting right now. I hope people won’t be driving tonight. I’ve lived in Virginia for quite a while. And we have never had this much snow. And it isn’t over. A woman from Jersey said “In New Jersey, these would have been clean and in much better shape.” See, that is the difference between snow up north and here. They expect it and prepare. We don’t. Sue me, I hate driving on ice. What a concept!

I have to do an hour or maybe 30 minutes (ha) of cleaning. Due to the weather, I haven’t had a chance to go to any stores. It is probably better this way. The last thing I need to do is buy random storage.

At work I got a good review. I’m self motivated (yep!) and dedicated (yep!) but I wanted a ‘works well unsupervised’. Did not get that. I’m used to getting that one because I do! Honestly, I wasn’t expecting her to say anything as good as she said.  Those compliments have no effort on the actual review. But even then, I did better than last year. The only reason why I got a higher than average review, is due to lack of my mistakes being caught. Where I work mistakes happen so I know I made some but I was lucky not to get caught.

I just have to keep it up. Oh, the ‘bad’ stuff. “Build relationships with coworkers”. ROFL. #1 Do I have a relationsip with anyone? #2  Um, these people have called me crazy since day one. I sat crying at my desk on the first day. It was brutal. It was K’s last day so she was happy go lucky. She held nothing back. They had obviously been talking about me prior to my first day. (I transferred from another department). I get that but to talk about me like that when I was sitting right there. LOL. That is not a good memory.

“I would talk to them but they have been calling me crazy since day one so….” I really wanted to say that. Btw, that is harassment and in some cases discrimination. I’ll just settle for harassment. It lasted for a year. Within the past 3 months, they have gotten word somehow that calling some crazy can lose your job….Otherwise why would they stop on their own. I was about to contact HR last week but without them using the “C” word out loud, what do I have? So unless something else happens the reporting it thing is done. I should have done it when it was happening daily. According to a lawyer, they probably would have gotten fired…

WHICH WAS NOT MY GOAL. I JUST WANTED THE HARRASSMENT TO STOP! So now they do subtle things. Things that can’t be reported. I missed my chance. What does this mean? Was this meant to be? I had a chance to stand up for myself but I didn’t. I’m not a tattle-tale. I hate tattle-tales. If it weren’t for the subtle shit they do, I would say “All is well that ends well” but things are not well….

I have to do unclutter my life. What fun!

A truthful heart

killing millions of people is indeed on a different scale from what most of us have done in this lifetime; however, just as when you work on a small scale you spend 24 hours on that scale, so when you work on a big scale you still have the same 24 hours, but you’ve got all sorts of people under you. You say, ‘go to such and such region and kill a hundred thousand people,’ rather than just telling someone to go to hell. by reflecting this way, you can begin to get glimpses of how even hated persons are similar to yourself in wanting happiness and not wanting suffering but often engage in counterproductive techniques to accomplish these, your mind will loosen, relax, and free itself from single pointed hatred

-Jeffrey Hopkins

A Truthful Heart by Jeffrey Hopkins is one of the best Buddhism based books I’ve read. Or maybe it is finding me at the right time (as books, music & movies often do). This book breaks it down. Anyone could get this. It has even made me think about rebirth. I already believed in it but I never seriously pondered it.

Anyhow, the book isn’t about rebirth/reincarnation. It is about not having enemies or even neutral people in your life. I’ve been trying to do some of the meditations based on this book. But I don’t have any friends. That statement isn’t “woe is me”. How I feel about people has been well documented. 🙂 So I’m reading this book and can’t even ‘open my heart’ because I don’t see people as friends or even potential friends.

Another stopping point in my life. I want to work on (in order):

-patience
-anger
-letting go of all judgments

…and I thought I had a 4th one but I’m too tired to try to remember it. heh. Anyone in the social world aka everyone would say I need friends. blah, blah. They are probably right. I just don’t want to invest in that. I suck at it. Most people enjoy social crap so they aren’t actually WORKING. They are just being.

to be continued