I said, “No, no, no”

The truth: I relapsed…twice in two weeks.

History: I suffer from hypervigilance due to PTSD.

Here’s part of the story from my paper journal:

Well I relapsed. I went to the beach and to another hotel (for 1 night) this week. I need to go to rehab. The problem is that rehab is my apartment. UGH! That sucks. But isn’t rehab supposed to suck…at least at first? How long will it take me to get used to it? The environment keeps changing so it’s hard to get used to it.

Geesh having no control whatsoever sucks. I just want 8 hours a day to concentrate on my work. There is no doubt that that is too much to ask for.

I have to get over knowing that they are there. It sounds so silly. But just the knowing is what drives me insane. Knowing and not being able to control it.

I just need to learn to stay at home. No point in running – easier said than done.

Living in the moment is fine until the moment sucks.

One day at a time. What I want to do is one week at a time. I feel the need to make sure the week (next week) is okay. Of course there is no way for me to know. Just live through it. Should I give myself a gold sticker each day I stay at home all day? ha. If I stay at home all next week (minus the gym), I’ll buy myself that $6.99 game.