blowin’ smoke

I’ve been doing bad with my stay at home rehabilitation. I kind of have an excuse. It’s a long explanation but basically my grandmother is in the hospital….I still could be at home if I really wanted to be there though. I am going back tomorrow afternoon. I am making myself go. I am very nervous/scared. Thursday night is when  my neighbor to the left went nuts. I haven’t been there on a Thursday night since.

Next week scares me more. The kids are home for spring break. ::FREAK OUT:: That will be a test. No, a final freaking exam. An all essay final exam. A verbal exam. No, even worse – a job interview. ACJKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

I don’t expect people to get it. I’m already being judged. This person has no idea what I’m dealing with. If you don’t have PTSD or high anxiety, I don’t expect you to get it. But it would be nice if the person laid off the judging, you know?

Nice…what a concept!

So I’m scared. I’m always scared. Breaking news! Needless to say, no reward for me this week. I didn’t try hard enough but as long as I stay out of hotels…+1 for me. 😉

Just an update on my craziness.

We’re just blowin’ smoke.
Hey-yea
Out here goin’ broke

It would be nice if I could rent a house after my lease runs out. I know that’s laughable but at least I know more about house hunting after my last experience. I know what I need in a house…too bad it will be very tough for me to rent one.

———

I fell off the not drinking soda wagon this week. My life is a mess!

I said, “No, no, no”

The truth: I relapsed…twice in two weeks.

History: I suffer from hypervigilance due to PTSD.

Here’s part of the story from my paper journal:

Well I relapsed. I went to the beach and to another hotel (for 1 night) this week. I need to go to rehab. The problem is that rehab is my apartment. UGH! That sucks. But isn’t rehab supposed to suck…at least at first? How long will it take me to get used to it? The environment keeps changing so it’s hard to get used to it.

Geesh having no control whatsoever sucks. I just want 8 hours a day to concentrate on my work. There is no doubt that that is too much to ask for.

I have to get over knowing that they are there. It sounds so silly. But just the knowing is what drives me insane. Knowing and not being able to control it.

I just need to learn to stay at home. No point in running – easier said than done.

Living in the moment is fine until the moment sucks.

One day at a time. What I want to do is one week at a time. I feel the need to make sure the week (next week) is okay. Of course there is no way for me to know. Just live through it. Should I give myself a gold sticker each day I stay at home all day? ha. If I stay at home all next week (minus the gym), I’ll buy myself that $6.99 game.