People gonna talk whether you doing bad or good

Rant:

I was so angry last night. I get angry every time one of my so-called neighbors throws trash in my yard. These nitwits. What have I done to you entitled fucks? I’m pretty sure I know who is doing it. I’m 96.5% sure. I haven’t done a thing to him. He lives kind of far from me. He has to pass my house every time he comes and goes.

But I know this is a test from the Universe. I won’t let them/him get to me anymore. I will just wait until there is enough trash there, and put it in my garbage can. I will do this at night, of course (when I’m doing a late night/early morning dog potty session). I don’t want him seeing me picking up his trash. lol. Not that he can see me from where he lives but people talk.

I’m not going to stress over it. Let them be fools. I know karma will take care of them. I find peace in that. I do wish they would know that they aren’t getting away with anything but I can’t control that so…..Think about how pathetic their life must be to just chuck their trash out the window into my yard. Does he get a thrill? Does it make him happy? PATHETIC. I would feel bad for him but I’m not there yet.

People. I hate ’em most of the time. Please don’t ask why. I think it’s apparent. Hate is a strong word but don’t freaking mess with me!

/end rant

P.S. Their mail came to my house today.  I walked all the way down there and put it in their mailbox. I’m not the person delivering the bad karma. The universe will take care of it.

P.P.S This is the problem with warm weather: HUMANS. 😦

———

How do you tell someone I don’t want to go to your meeting because I don’t believe what you all believe…in a polite way? I have until Thursday to figure it out. Yep, the Jehovah Witnesses are back. C is the main one. She comes to my house weekly. She took most of the winter off and it was sooo nice. I DON’T BELIEVE IN THE BIBLE. um, once again how do you say this in a nice way?

I think I’m just going to say, “I’m not a believer”. And see what she says. She knows I don’t believe in god. Wait, unless she thinks I changed my mind just because she comes to my house. ??? Oh dear. Yeah, I think I’m just going to be honest and go with the whole ‘not a believer’ thing.

My blog is helpful! To me. haha. I didn’t think of that until I started typing it out. Thank you Buddha. That doesn’t mean it will be easy to say though.

——–

I think my therapy sessions are over. I was only going once a month and only 50% of the time was it really helpful. I talk to no one about my issues so some may argue that talking about things are good. But…whatever. It all started with a cancellation due to snow. She said she would call back to fit me in. She never called. Is that a sign from the universe? I hate driving all the way out there. Then I have to wait 30 mins because she is ALWAYS late. (no apology either). So I think I’m done. She wants to cure me of my social anxiety. I don’t think that is my biggest issue. This is where we differ.

——

I uploaded my planner video to YouTube! OMG. I was so nervous. My few subscribers (60) probably were like WTF is this? Ideally I should have created a new channel but it isn’t like I’m planning on doing a lot of planner videos. I have one more lined up and that is probably it until 2016. I have a few videos on my channel. They are mostly music/pop culture related so this is waaaaaaay out of left field.

My 30 second Britney Spears in Vegas video has 198 views since October. I hope this video beats that. People have viewed it. No comments or likes/unlikes…so far. I’m not checking the stats anymore for a while. I only checked within the first 20 hours and it had about 17 views. My Mariah Carey video has 42,000 views!!! LOL. I had no idea until I checked this weekend. I know my planner video won’t get that.

To anyone who watched the video: My voice is not always that flat. In fact, I’m easily excitable and my voice goes up and down in a crazy way in real life. I was just nervous while shooting the vid.

I never want to see your face again

(weekly and knitting stuff at the bottom of this post)

I’m sick of your bitchy ways. I’ve put up with it for over a year. I know your life sucks right now and it really isn’t all your fault. Well, I wouldn’t have chosen what you did but you felt you had no choice. I get that but part of me is angry that you chose it. That’s another topic for another day.

What I really want to get at is how you were acting so irritable while I may be taking my dog to be euthanized*. Don’t you get it? How can you be so damn heartless? So rude and non caring. She is my only friend. I don’t have human friends. That dog is my best friend. How about a little compassion? NO. All you can do is bitch about this and that. I didn’t want to hear it. I’ve been hearing it for a while. Usually I just put up with it because I do understand that when your life sucks, you are going to be irritable. But….

You have got to chill out and stop thinking about yourself all the time. I take your FEELINGS and situation into consideration all the time. I’ve cooled down a bit but I was so mad that you would make a big deal out of something I couldn’t control when I have the sick dog in the car. My fucking best friend is dying. You have human companions so maybe you don’t get it. You never “get” anything. You have no empathy and you act like you are always right and NEVER do anything wrong.

For once, please take a look in the mirror or I might have to leave until the old you comes back. If that person isn’t gone forever…

(*I didn’t have to put my dog to sleep that day. I was 100% sure that it was the end. She has the dog version of vertigo. I think she may have a tumor…Anyway, she isn’t eating or taking her meds but she is finally drinking water. I hope she gets better).

 

Weekly

Music for the week: Lucy Hale,  Ellie Goulding, Mariah Carey, Miranda Lambert, Ingrid Michaelson, Natalie Merchant, Ray LaMontagne, Ariana Grande

If you like pop country, try Lucy Hale. You will love her.

TV for the week: NBA playoffs, Switched at Birth

I would say I can’t believe what people are saying about LeBron James for leaving the game last night (with cramps) but I’ve been around people enough. I should not be surprised. I never want to defend LeBron but do people really believe he would leave the game if he wasn’t in serious pain? This is the freaking finals!  And cramping hurts like hell.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: #GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amoruso (loving it so far. I just hope it doesn’t turn into a everyone-start-your-own-business book. Everyone isn’t meant to do that. Obvious, right? But there are tons of “Be your own boss!!!1!” websites that annoy me. Who would serve them lattes and work for them if everyone started their own business? hmmmm). Creativity Inc: Overcoming the Unseen forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration by Ed Catmull (So far this book is not what I was expecting but I will read a little more before giving up).

Knitting projects of the week:  I wish I had more time to knit. I guess I shouldn’t say that. I should be glad to be busy but still…I WANT TO KNIT all the time. 😉 This week I worked a little on my stockinette stitch scarf. No pics because I’m running low on batteries and it is just a scarf. ha. Pics next week.

I am beyond frustrated with trying to knit on circular needles. I am (was?) working on a child’s hat. UGH! I started it over 4 times and it still isn’t right. At this point I think I’m going to wait for my double pointed needles to come in the mail. I’m so over circular needles!! I think I need someone to show me in person what I am doing wrong.

To practice ribbing, I’m going to start this ribbed hat. No circular knitting required. YAY! I started it last night but I hated how the swatch came out (the colors) so I’m going to try my favorite color (purple). I may start it tonight if I get enough studying done.

One final thing on knitting: YARN SNOBBERY! No more of that. I’m over that too. Knitting shouldn’t have to be expensive. Some people can’t afford the good yarn. That includes me. I will knit with the cheapest shit I can find. 🙂 No really, I will stick to 100% acrylic in most cases and stick with a few brands I know are decent (Lion, Redheart…) I’m just practicing and/or making stuff for myself so why should I use 100% wool? That doesn’t make sense on my budget. But almost all of the books I’ve read – and I’ve read a ton – tells people to use the more expensive yarn. Please. I’m not going to be priced out of this hobby.

/end rant

I have another knitting rant. I think I will save that for later. 🙂

——-

Typical Friday night plans: Studying. I mowed my front lawn after work. I’m going to mow the back on Sunday morning. All there is left to do is study….and maybe a little knitting. ::evil laughter:: I have to wake up at 5AM tomorrow to work so no late night for me. I will probably stay up until 11:30 or so.

here I am in my shame spiral

I have found something else I’m not good at: showing apartments. LOL. What a shocker. I’m going to be blunt: As a asocial person, I find many social people to be very needy. I roll my eyes when they complain about a cashier not smiling at them. Really???! These people need problems.

I try to understand them but some of their complaints I find insignificant. I’m so sorry Sue didn’t smile at you. AT LEAST YOU CAN TALK or whatevs. It drives me nuts. I’m sure they would find some of the same things I complain about silly because they have no idea what it is like to be asocial in this world.

And I have problems understanding why they need everyone to be nice. I just want people to do their job…and not be cruel. Social versus asocial. We live in different worlds. Sometimes we must come together. Well they rarely have to come to us. We must go to them. We must assimilate.

/end rant

———–

So I only showed my apartment to two people. One man, one woman. The woman was very easy to talk to. There weren’t many awkward moments. (Anything with be having to talk will be a little awkward). BUT then what I feared would happen happened. My neighbor came home as she was leaving. She talked to her AFTER I left  for who knows how long.(She wanted to know about guest parking and since I never had guests, I didn’t have good enough answers for her). So who knows what was said. I know my neighbor called me crazy or something. I never did anything besides rarely staying there and not talking.  Well that ends that. Thanks a lot!  Shocking that I have never heard from her again. She seemed really interested.

My neighbor didn’t get to poison the other guy. He wants to give me a decision over the weekend. Fine. Whatever. I would just pay for the apartment to avoid all this if I could afford it. I don’t know what to do. I did just re-post the aid with June rent free.

I’ve just had it. I wish I could find a company that would find someone for me. I know I would have to pay but I’d do anything to get rid of that apartment.

The apartment isn’t the only thing bugging me but it is a huge issue because I can’t afford it. Obvs.

I’m so overwhelmed. My week off from work starts June 10. I can’t wait. It would be nice if my apartment was rented by then but if not I would get more time to show it. A park is 3 minutes away from where I now live and I haven’t been there yet. I’m dying to go. If no one wants to see the apartment on either Saturday or Sunday, I’m going.

It isn’t like I wasn’t going “crazy” in the apartment. I was staying in motels because my hypervigilance was causing major freak outs. I expect some people to see me moving on as a choice. No. No. No.

BLARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!

/end rant for real this time

Bigger the better

First let me give my thoughts on parenting:

  • If parenting is easy, the person isn’t doing it right. When it is done right, it is one of the hardest responsibilities a person can choose to take on.
  • American society encourages everyone to be a parent (as long as you can afford it). I feel very strongly that this is the wrong attitude to have.
  • I don’t believe parents should get a pass because “they are doing the best they can”. Think about it: Where else in life do you get a pass because you are doing your best? LOL.

Let’s talk about O. I have noticed that she treats her cat, her kid, and her elderly parents the same way. She is only concerned with the basic needs of parenting. This makes me so mad. She doesn’t care about the emotional needs of her cat, her kid or her parents. IMO, these people should not be parents!!! If a person doesn’t understand emotional needs, please don’t multiply.

examples:

O only provides her cat with shelter, food, water etc. She doesn’t care about what is good for the cat in other ways. Does this make sense or does it sound silly? I’ll try again. With her parents -once again- she only provides food and shelter. She doesn’t care that her parents emotional/social needs aren’t being met. They have no one to talk to? Who cares? I give them food. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. Ugh, how can people not care about social needs? What about mental stimulation?

The same thing with her child. It is so sad to me. Are we living in a world where this is okay? Doing the minimum when it comes to parenting is okay???! Parenting sure is easier this way.

I noticed the pattern with O. When you treat your cat, your kids, and your parents the same way, there is definitely a pattern.

I had to blog about this. When something is on my mind like this, I have to get it out or I will be thinking about it until I put it somewhere. (Sometimes paper works). This is why I have a blog. To rant about stuff like this: things I don’t see other people talking about.

I know this post comes across judgmental. But shouldn’t we have standards when it comes to parenting? We just encourage people to be parents with no accountability. Oh, we were meant to multiply. This is natural. Even if a person will suck at it, they should still do it. Or humans were meant to be parents, you won’t screw up too much. Please!

This is one reason why people are so screwed up. I wish I could talk to O and she would just change. But a deep seated pattern like this? ick. I don’t know if she can even grasp the concept.

My point is emotional and social needs are very important.

/end rant

innocent

Maybe miracles do happen. It cost me $65.00 but one problem has been solved. 🙂 I can get things but I have to PAY for everything. That is the major disadvantage of not having friends. Sure there are others but I run across that constantly.

People blame the victim* because it makes them feel better. How else can they explain why someone has a mental illness. (First they will deny the person has it then they will blame the person if they have it.) It makes them feel safe and as if life is “fair”.

*Using the word “victim” is the quickest way to make my point. dammit, I’m more than that. But yes I’m a casualty of SA among other things. Saying the V word makes people so uncomfortable but I don’t have time to break it down.

This has happened to me so many times. People with certain conditions know what I’m talking about. I think people are more compassionate about things they can SEE so the blaming doesn’t go on so much with those things.

It is all about them. I just wish I could stop getting annoyed by it. LOL. It is just so predictable and involves no deep thinking. The people at work have come up with so many reasons why I deserve to be trashed, gossiped, harassed. They have to comfort themselves somehow, right??? “Well she should do this…Well she shouldn’t have done that…If he had this…” It assuages their guilt.

Um, yeah whatever. Go to your buddies with their great lives and trash someone life who is worse. I don’t get that at all. But in order for them to feel as if everyone is getting what they deserve, they have to come up with that line of reasoning. Listen to a group of people trash someone. Eventually someone will try to justify it.

I bet they don’t think that way when they know someone has cancer. KNOW is the key word. If you seemed depressed and they don’t know why, they will blame you. It is your fault. You could have a life like theirs if only you ———–

I have to vent somewhere. I’ve been stuck in a room with a few people instead of at my cubicle. I’m also on my (hopefully) last day of PMS. I will be back to posting about flowers and rainbows…oh wait, I have take calls next week. Never mind.

I just want people to want to learn and be open minded. I’m a idealist.

faux Christianity

Since they are mentioning stuff I blog about, I may as well blog to my coworkers. They mentioned the law today. (re: my entry titled “All is well?”) so here is an open rant to you all.

Where do I begin? The faux Christianity? How calling someone crazy at work is harassment (LOOK IT UP!)?

How can someone call themselves a Christian when they do things daily to irritate people? I know America is full of faux Christians but these people are evangelical Christians. They go to church and preach to others. That isn’t “my parents are Christian so uh, I guess I am but I don’t pray or go to church or know much about Jesus Christ or the bible”. Oops, did I go there? I sorta get those people because they don’t preach and they are everywhere.  I don’t judge them because they don’t go on about how others need Christ. Blah blah.

I just don’t understand how someone can publicly preach at work and then intentionally try to piss a person off? How is that Christian? It is faux Christianity. It is the height of hypocrisy. And then they say, “God knows my heart.” Well I’m not god (gasp!) and I can know part of your heart enjoys pissing people off. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFHHHHHHHHHHHHH. God knows your intentions. That we can agree on.

At work one of the evangelical Christians said, “It is easy to NOT be Christian.” ROFL. Are they fucking serious? Christianity to me seems like the easiest religion ever. All you have to do is get baptized and ask for forgiveness every time you shit on someone. Oh, that is sooooooooooo hard. And you have to choose which part of the bible you believe. (Being gay is wrong, nothing is wrong with gossiping. Hmm, is slavery okay? Etc.)

She was trying to say by not being Christian, you can do drugs etc without thinking about it. I’m not a Christian. I don’t have pre-martial sex (lol), drink alcohol, do drugs or intentionally piss people off. When I do something wrong, I don’t ask a God forgiveness I feel horrible and ashamed.  I have no problems with people being Christian but now I understand why some have such a negative view of it. Before these two, I thought who cares if someone wants to believe in Jesus. It has nothing to do with me. But hearing this lame crap every day, UGH. I now am leery of Christianity . I understand why some atheists get so pissed at them. I’m only mad at these two at work. Lol. Otherwise I don’t care. Well I don’t like the mix of church and state.

This isn’t a bash Christianity post. If you think so, read it again. j/k. I had to get this out. I’m so frustrated by stuff going on at work.

PS.

Did I mention that repeatedly calling someone crazy and psycho can get your ass fired?! Ask a lawyer. Or read your ethics manual. Now I wish I had reported them. But they know, they no longer do it out loud after doing it daily. So someone got to them or they read the harassment rules. Too bad someone has to tell these Christians, not to call someone crazy. I wanna be Christian. It would make my life so much easier.

I give up

MOTHERFUCKERS. okay, so no one gives a damn about my cat. I figured that out last week. I can’t get her into the carrier so she isn’t going to the vet. SHE WINS!!!!!!! If I could strangle those vets. Of course she doesn’t want to go. You put her to sleep last time. You tried to corner her with a towel. She was sick. (Sicker than she is now)…………..

Fuck. So my cat will remain sick. Does that make everyone happy? Oh, right no one cares.

%%%%%%%%%%%%#&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I give up. I don’t have a high tolerance for crap.

And they don’t even call. If they try to make me pay for canceling, I will contact my nonexistent lawyer.
—————–
I’m not a people person.
————–
Therapy

I’m sorry but I’m still in people suck mode so…I am always amazed at how socially unintelligent counselors and/or shrinks are. It could be me. 🙂 But they don’t seem to understand. The people at work either dislike me or think I’m crazy. It’s probably both for the majority. So why would I do any social stuff there for god sakes?? That is setting myself up for failure.

I am paying for this so I don’t know. I might just give up. I’m not going to waste my money and her time. Doing social stuff at work would be like me jumping in to the deep end of a pool. FOR ME, it would be easier to start with dealing with strangers. At least there isn’t a back story. I’m going to a concert in May. It would be better for me to start off there.

Whatever. She wants me to sit in the cafeteria at work. Alone. I can sit in a restaurant alone. Would she just admit that sitting in the cafeteria by myself when I’ve NEVER been in there is a little uh, strange? WTF is this going to accomplish? I’m doing it. I will wear my hat so no one can see my eyes and sit there for 20 minutes. How boring. Sitting in the cafeteria??? I would rather listen to sports talk radio in my car. Boring.

I want to get drunk in a club. I’ve never been drunk or in a club. That is getting into the deep end of the pool but at least it is interesting. I’m going to do this silly ass homework. I have much more to say about this past therapy session but since I’m doing that this week (and ignoring other assignments), I thought I would start there.

Dear Doc

Please understand that the work environment is toxic. THEY KNOW ME.

love, me
——————-
those goddamn vets. ugh. fuckers.