Time to Get a Gun

How are you feeling today?

Rejected, hurt, confused, tired. 

Take some time to describe your vision of the Desired Life in detail:

I want to be able to move around. I want to get up when I want and do whatever. I want to feel like I don’t need a therapist. I want to not work for the man. I want to enjoy what I do every day. I want to travel. 

How would you describe the Depression you are currently experiencing?

I feel unsupported and rejected. I feel all alone. No one cares or gets me. No one helps me. Everyone leaves.

What are your Negative Beliefs?

No one likes me.  No one can like me. No one wants to support me. Everyone hates me.

Take a moment to write down your reflections about your session:

Tomorrow is a new today. Maybe I do have some say in my future.

Grateful for:

Tomorrow is Thursday! 

December entries pt 1

These are entries from my private journal…

November 24, 2019

Still bummed that N. hasn’t emailed back. Tempted to just use it because she did send it to me. If she isn’t coming to my website anymore, why the fuck should I care? She won’t know. This is my one chance to get a GOOD testimonial. Still thinking it through. Maybe I will temporarily use it. Then come to my senses.

So behind on the astrology class. Debating whether I should try to catch up or just take it again. Is it possible to catch up? Maybe I should dedicate Tuesdays and Thursdays to this class. Or all classes? It would be nice to not work on certain days.

November 25, 2019

I need to talk to myself. Lol. Um, I fucked up on Insta stories. But regarding S, it was inevitable that she would stop watching. So I kind of gave her permission to stop. I don’t blame her. But I feel some blame. No, a lot of blame. So now the questions are: Do I stop looking at S stories? And do how do I stop blaming myself?

It’s kind of revengeful to stop watching S stories. Not that she cares.

We thought we were punishing the other person by holding the resentment, but we have actually been suppressing love.”

I guess it’s love because it’s all love. Hope I didn’t scare potential customers away. That’s more important than S. Eek, but true. She would say the same which hurts.

Okay, I’m done for now

November 28, 2019

Today is Thanksgiving. To follow up on yesterday, S did look at my stories. I can tell she’s not as interested. She’s probably just trying to see if I’m screenshotting something from her group.

Good day overall. Going to the park tomorrow with Baylor. 🙂 Working on my Saturn Return workshop. Still trying to figure out webinar versus class. I think a webinar would sell more if I emphasize the Q&A. Will definitely prerecord the main parts. Ha! Just found out that hybrid webinars cost more. Bummer. But I’m thinking about running the webinar and answering the Q&As in the chat.

Gotta go. Glad S answered my question. WHY DO I THINK ABOUT HER SO MUCH?

December 1, 2019

Why not journal today. Fear is creeping up around money. Teachable didn’t pay me. Dad is here. He didn’t go to the store. He’s not going this week. Baylor has to go to the vet on Thursday for his checkup.

Was tempted to spend on a journaling course. So glad I didn’t. Things still tempt me. Sucks. Have to be conscious. Need to make money. I got two sales today with my Cyber Monday sale. Unfortunately, one is a tarot reading. I will try to record it on Wednesday.

I just hope Teachable pays me. They will probably get back to me tomorrow.

I need a morning routine. I just don’t want to get up earlier. Already get up too early. My dream is to get up at 7:30 or maybe 8.

Have to work on Saturn Return. Nervous about work.

December 5, 2019

Oh, you don’t want to know. LOL. Horrible? Baylor weighed 19 pounds as I thought. I told my mom she was lying and that she wouldn’t admit anything anyway. She got pissed. She said I don’t appreciate being called a liar. FUCK. Confrontation sucks, but I felt like I had to even though she’s not feeding Baylor now because he’s with me. (Dad is here).

I don’t know. I need to nap and do the reading a customer paid for.


Private entries – November part I

October 28, 2019

O god. I just applied for a job at H.  Work at home. really want it, but there was an assessment. Ick. It wasn’t too bad, but lots of are you a loner type questions. LOL. I told them $18 was my minimum.

I’m worried about how astrology 101 is going. Why can’t I just let go? Because I feel like I scammed people by promising a transformation. I just want to teach astrology. I’m not sure I’m a good teacher. I might just make an astrology 101 eBook for $15.

Gotta go do stuff. Day one of no social media is okay. So weird with no Twitter.


October 29, 2019

Sigh. I was happy for a moment. I thought I didn’t have to pay taxes, but Teachable is going to send me a form, so I have to file it, right? Groan. Fuck. Fuck. Life could be so much simpler if I didn’t have to worry about that. Hmmm. To get a CPA or not? That is the question. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. If I could talk to someone. I might have to ask the tax lady the question. Yeah, I’m definitely going to be there.

Listed more things on Etsy, since work was so easy. Tomorrow I have to mail the money to the landlord.

Whatevs. fuck

October 31, 2019

Ugh. Every entry is ugh. I feel a bit out of it for various reasons. It’s 80 degrees. Hot. Fuck. Don’t like that. D is acting like an a-hole, but not completely. She is the queen of passive-aggressive. I learn from the best or worst. Capricorns…ugh!

Trying to be positive. Listening to Gabby B. But it’s hard when you feel like your “baby” is shit. You know? Sigh. Oh vey. There is such a thing as too much optimism. Too much wanting to do that thing. I will somehow survive this. Yes, I will.

I’m obsessed with S seeing my story. I was on break for almost 4 full days! Now I’m back, and is S still there? What if she hates it? Why am I making so much of this? I probably moved down her list because I didn’t post for 4 days. But how do I know? I know one day she will stop and that will suck. STOP FREAKING OUT!

I think this heat is getting to me, and it’s “only” 80 degrees. I’m going to rerecord now. Bye!

November 1, 2019

Today was a roller coaster day. But I did take a secret walk with Baylor while listening to Gabby. That was nice. But I just want to be left alone, and I know I can’t be alone because that costs money.

S. just cemented that we have no friendship. I go from “What a bitch” to I get it. Sort of. Whatever. Boundaries. I cut the cord with her first. Just saying.

Sick of having to feel like I have to do this course, but I will try to have a good attitude tonight and move forward. I just want it to be GOOD and over!

The Miranda Lambert album is sooo good!

November 3, 2019

Well, I just signed up for business coaching with what’s her name. Honestly, I can’t remember. I’ll check my phone. L. $100 gone. But I pulled the 9 of pentacles, so there’s hope. I hope she helps. Not sure about the trade. If she trades for an audio reading, I’ll do it. If she wants live, probably not. Not happy about the 9 Pm time. I will now sign up for 7 her time. That’s 8 my time. Duh!

My astrology course is done for this week. I’m still going to rerecord the houses despite what everyone would probably say. Overwhelm town. Gotta go. I didn’t plan for the week.


Yes, this says November entries, despite most of these entries being from October. LOL. I’ll be posting more from my “private entries” because I post quick stuff over there instead of here.

The pathway to surrender

I found a new way to journal. I LOVE it. All I have to do is email my entries in. Dabble Me sends me an email every day at 5 PM, and all I have to do is click respond and type. I wish I’d known about this before. I used to journal on paper, but now I can’t keep track of anything, plus I’m paranoid about other people reading it.

There’s a free version and a paid version. I don’t know all the differences between the versions. All I know is that with the free version, I don’t think a reminder email comes every day. I think it only comes once a week, which wouldn’t help me.

I’m taking a social media break.  😦 From Monday through Friday, no Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter for me. I will miss Twitter the most because I get most of my news from there. FB and Insta aren’t that big a deal. I can easily live without those.

What I really need is probably an internet break, but I can’t do that right now because I’m still working on the course I’m making. I rerecorded ALL of module 2. And now I’m re-recording the whole damn course. The good thing is that the slides are done. I just have to do my voiceover again.

I’m thinking about registering my business as an LLC. It’s not as expensive where I live compared to California. Where I live, it’s $100 upfront and then $50 a year. That’s cheap compared to other states. I just want to do what’s best for taxes. I’m attending a webinar with an accountant soon, so she should be able to answer my questions.

I don’t even want to think about taxes. First, I haven’t paid any taxes on the money from my online business.*. Then I did a debt relief program, so my taxes could be a mess. If the IRS wants money, I’m going to ask them for a payment plan if it’s over $200.

*I haven’t made a ton, but I still have to pay taxes on it. I need to find an accountant. I will probably ask around in a FB group. The lady that does my taxes doesn’t specialize in online business.

All I have been doing is working. I’m glad to be blogging right now. At least, it’s not working!

This week I…

Music of the week: Christina Aguilera, Taylor Swift, Jussie Smollett, Ariana Grande, Rachael Sage, Rachel Platten, Lissie, Maggie Rose

TV of the week:  Survivor, Real Housewives of Potomac

Podcasts of the week: So You Wanna Be a Witch, Crimelines, Online Business Made Easy

Crimelines is my new favorite podcast. If you like true crime, give it a listen.

Books of the week: Hopefully, with my social media break, I will find time to finish these books –

Weekend Plans: I’ve been working nonstop on free content for my biz. I wish I could take today off, but I have to complete horoscopes for November. I have to do an email to my email list. Etc. Etc.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week! 🙂

Am I alive?

So far, two people purchased my astrology course. BUT I had to offer it half price to get those sales. Each person paid $20. The last day to purchase is this upcoming Tuesday (debate night!). I’m not expecting more sales. Maybe one more? Hopefully. But I’m thankful for two sales. I did mention that I cut the price because I wanted feedback. I hope these two lovely people give me feedback.

I did get feedback from a person I let see one module. They weren’t my ideal customer because the person knew too much about astrology. They said it was “too beginner.” Well, yes, it is. That’s the point. 🙂

Excited to have students. I’m also terrified. That’s why I pushed the start date from October 14 to October 21. I just couldn’t take it, plus I want to make sure the one worksheet needed for module one is in good shape. The other modules will have more worksheets that I need to get started on after I blog here.

I did apply for a part-time freelance job. It’s a work from home job. I did a test. It took about 2 hours to complete the test. If I don’t pass, I might try one more time with a different email address and my full name. The pay is not great. Some people make $150 a week, but how many hours are they working? I only need about $100 a week (in addition to my full-time job, of course). I just don’t want to spend 40 hours working a PT job to get only $100. How can I do much of anything if I’m working 80 hours a week?

I should hear back by Wednesday about this job. I’m hesitant about trying again because I don’t know if I’m going to be good at this job. I don’t want a stressful PT job. No way. Been there, done that. I might read about others’ experiences more to see if I would like the job before I try again.

I know I need a PT job because I had to cancel my therapy appointment due to a lack of money. 😦 I rescheduled for October 25th. My emotions keep going up and down, so I know I could use therapy.

This week I…

Music of the week: Lauren Daigle, Taylor Swift, Victory, Tori Kelly, Carly Rae Jepsen, Beyonce, Andra Day, Aretha Franklin

TV of the week: The Politician, Survivor

I didn’t think I would like The Politician. I don’t usually watch comedy, but this is a dark comedy. It’s full of sarcasm.  It’s on Netflix. Gwyneth Paltrow is in it, but not too much if you hate her. 😉

Podcasts of the week: True Crime Garage,  So You Wanna Be a Witch, The Astrology Podcast, The Jim Fortin Podcast, Crimelines, Online Marketing Made Easy, The Thing About Pam (overrated, but good)

Books of the week: I finished reading Everything is Figureoutable by Marie Forleo. Best self-help book in the last 5 years! Read this book. It’s everything. I wish I didn’t have the audio version, so I could highlight the important parts. But I’m not buying the Kindle version right now, I might buy it later.

I also finished Super Attractor: Manifesting a Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams by Gabby Berstein. I listened to this also. I’m currently reading the Kindle version to highlight the parts I want to keep going back to. If you like The Universe Has Your Back by her, you’ll probably like this. Super Attractor is sort of like part two. I have to actually read it before I give my opinion. I was listening to the audio version while working.

Right now, I’m not reading anything new. I might start something soon. It depends on whether I get a PT job.

Weekend Plans: Nothing to do with the weekend, but I was off on Monday and Tuesday. I mostly worked on creating my course. I took my dog to the park on Tuesday and yesterday. I usually don’t like Fall, but this summer was brutal since my room was often over 100 degrees. I’m not off from work again until November 18. I’m off for the first 3 days of that week. I wish I had asked for more time off in December. I only have December 30th off, then I have to work on NYE, and I have New Year’s off. Blah. Oh, I also have Xmas day off, of course.

Today I’m going to work on creating my course. I mostly took yesterday off. I’ve been working my ass off! I deserve one day of just doing nothing. Besides going to the park, I did a bunch of business development stuff, which doesn’t count as work to me.

Thanks for reading. I hope to get back to blogging at least once a week from now on. This is the only way I keep up with my life these days. I have to get back to journaling on paper, or maybe I will try journaling on my computer since I haven’t tried that in years.

Have an excellent week! 🙂

Going to be a new mom

I hope my dog doesn’t read this. I’M ADOPTING AN ELEPHANT!!!!!!1111!!!!! I don’t know when but hopefully this month? I have bills, and the system wasn’t working today, so I couldn’t work this morning. Now I don’t have much OT for the week. 😦 I count on OT way too much. It’s not going to last forever. When it ends, I may have to get a PT job. I got an order this week from my online biz, and I’m starting an online course, so there is a chance I may get some extra income from that.

Anyway, I’ve considered many different organizations. I’ve been supporting Elephants.com for years (not always financially) since I read a book about their sanctuary in Tennessee. However, I also love the Sheldrick Wildlife Trust because they allow their elephants to go back to into the wild. They can do that. They are in Kenya. We can’t do that in the US. 😉 It is $50 a year to adopt any animal. After reading so much about elephants, I’m picking an elephant. $50 isn’t bad at all. I don’t know how long it takes to rehabilitate an elephant. I have a feeling they are quick learners, but it probably depends on the animal. As soon as they know how to live in the wild, Sheldrick Wildlife Trust lets them go, so I won’t get to “keep” the elephant forever. But I can find another elephant or a rhino to adopt.

I’m so excited about this, and I haven’t done it yet! LOL.

I couldn’t get on Latuda, so the doctor put me on two other meds. He picked two because I had symptoms of depression on the day I talked to him. Now that I’ve stopped taking the anti-nausea medicine, I am no longer depressed! Ha. No more anti-nausea medicine unless necessary. I still can’t eat early in the morning (no breakfast for me) or anything substantial. I’ve lost 4 pounds in less than two weeks. I now weigh 132. I’m just glad my grocery bill will be low tomorrow. All I have to buy are drinks and yogurt. I think the yogurt is messing me up since I’ve stopped the Abilify, but I’m going to buy the smaller cups. After I eat yogurt, I just want to get in bed. I’ve been eating yogurt daily for about 5 years. Not trying to stop now.

The meds: Unfortunately they cost $110 a month. Bummer. But I don’t think I’m going to be on them long. If I’m not depressed, one med can go. The other I don’t know about. Oh, it makes me SO SLEEPY! I don’t know I’m what I’m going to do on Monday morning. Today I worked for 25 minutes. The system stopped working, so I went back to sleep for two hours!! That is unlike me. Typically I would have worked on creating my course or studied since I was already working. But I got back into bed, my dog got on top of me. He was exhausted too. If he moved, I didn’t feel it.

When I woke up, I checked the system Still down. I tried again at 1. The system was still down. I gave up on trying to work.

I see my doctor on August 4. Hopefully, I won’t be depressed, but I doubt he takes me off something so soon so I’ll just have to pay and take the meds. 😦

Election 2020: The debates are next week. I’m not as excited as I was last time. Biden will be more aggressive. That is all I know. Oh, and Booker will go after Biden if the moderators ask the right questions. I’m sure they will. I will probably fall asleep since I’m on all these meds. Booker vs. Biden will be the second night.

This week I…

Music of the week: Carly Rae Jepsen, Taylor Swift, Amy Winehouse, Maggie Rogers, Victory, Sara Bareilles, SWV, Aretha Franklin

TV of the week: Big Brother, Grey’s Anatomy, The Hills

The Hills is fake and may be as decent as used to be? I’ve only watched one and a half episodes, so I don’t know if I’m going to keep watching.

Podcasts of the week: True Crime Garage, 22 Hours: An American Nightmare, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Learn Astrology with Mary, Generation Why, White Lies

Books of the week: Now reading:

Weekend Plans: Well, I was supposed to do OT today. I worked on the course I’m creating. Tonight I’m going to write scripts, so I can get some recording done before I go grocery shopping tomorrow. I don’t have astrology class tomorrow. Yay! The class lasts for about 3 hours, so I’m so glad for a break.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂

People. Ugh.

Just a quick post. Not much going on. I’m only working 17 hours this week. I was off today, and I’m off Thursday and Friday.  I will probably work on Saturday. I need the money. Work is going surprisingly well. Yay!

I’ve been working on creating the astrology course. It is much harder than I thought. Unfortunately, this first version will be very beta. I wanted it to be great. Not happening. 😦 I don’t know whether astrology is hard – YES – or creating all courses is hard. And I’m having a hard time recording due to my living situation. So the sound won’t be great.

People still don’t get that I have shit to do. SO FUCKING ANNOYING. I’m convinced that people judge how much others have to do by what they have to do. I don’t know, but it’s annoying.

I’m boycotting the news until at least Saturday. I’m still periodically checking twitter. But so far for today, I’m out of the loop.

It’s really hot where I’m staying. The AC is non-existent, and it’s over 99 degrees in that room. So I can’t get much done.

I took my dog to the park today. I’m on anti-nausea medicine. I just started it today. Gosh, it does make me tired and dizzy. I can get over the dizzy part as long as I don’t have to drive or stand up. I have a sedentary job, so 6 days out of 7, I’m sitting most days.

The tired part is the part that worries me. I hate being tired. Hate it. It leaves me foggy, and I have a job where the production really matters so I can’t afford to be sleepy or tired. We have to get a certain number of things done a day. I can’t be tired. Not going to work. But if that is the only way off Abilify…

Oh yeah, I stopped taking Abilify on Thursday or Friday of last week. I can’t remember which day. Now I’m worried about nausea. That is the main side effect I have without the Abilify. Oh, and I have depression.

I can’t get on Latuda. It is $1200 a month. LOL. Ha! Does Elizabeth Warren have a plan for that? I’m bummed about that. But maybe I won’t need it. I really, really wanted to try it. There is a generic. It was approved in January of 2019.  However, no one is selling it.

I know this is all over the place, but I’m working on creating my astrology class and this blog post at the same time. I need to stop. I’m good at multi-tasking. I’m a Gemini Moon. I got so much done last night while watching TV, and I thought I wasn’t going to get anything done. I can’t watch anything “deep” or I won’t be able to concentrate on work.  I can watch (listen really)  DNA analysts talk about DNA and stuff like that.

Politics: I can’t believe Democrats are worried so much about 4 people. ROFL. That is why they suck so much. Let them be. It’s four fucking people. Who gives a shit what they tweet? The Dems get what they deserve. 4 more years of Trump because they are too scared to do anything. I don’t feel bad for them at all. They are acting like fools for caring so much about FOUR people.

Have a nice week. 🙂 Thanks for reading. I’ll try to be back on Friday so I can be back on schedule, but I’m not sure about that.

I want off this roller coaster

Update to add: I booked my birthday beach vacation. Thank god for credit card points. I still had to pay a bit though. I have to call the hotel to tell them I’m bringing my dog. I keep putting it off. It’s an extra $75. Pics of the hotel coming soon. It looks so awesome and the reviews are great. So excited!!

I need about $10,000 extra a year. If anyone wants to donate…just kidding. It’s funny because my goal at the beginning of 2019 was to make $1,000 in sales this year. NO LONGER. I’m either getting a part-time job and temporarily quitting the side hustle. 😦 OR I’m putting every freaking thing into the biz. Everything I’ve got. I’m working my ass off right now.

A part-time job is kinda hard because most of the part-time jobs are social jobs. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. But I should definitely be looking, right? I am considering looking for full-time jobs starting in April. I would get to train other people at my current job if I stay there. I do like to help others, so that is kind of one reason I want to stay. I like teaching, helping, answering questions etc.

However, my job is so stressful! I’m so glad I didn’t have to work overtime today. I volunteered because I needed the money. They said no. So I booked a study room at the library instead. I could only stay for an hour and a half because I was worried about my car being towed. Everything was fine when the library opened at 9AM. I could always get a spot. Now that it opens at 10, it’s harder to find a spot.

I’m off Wednesday through Friday. Woohoo! I only have plans for Wednesday. I’m talking with a business mentor on the phone in the morning (someone I’ve never talked to before – ahhh!) and then my dog and I are going to the park around 1PM. It is only going to be 55 degrees. Not warm, but it’s nice for February.

I haven’t done a free tarot reading in a while due to the astrology class I’m taking. I probably will volunteer to do one this week since I have extra time. I do have a free astrology reading to do. MY FIRST ASTROLOGY READING. How scary is that? But the person knows I’m a beginner. I told him/her (don’t know the gender) that the reading will be about 500 words. Hopefully, it will be more than 500 words because that is very, very low for an astrology reading. I hope to get it done by March 5th. I’m a little nervous about this.

Lots going on. Feeling overwhelmed. Breathe. I just don’t know what to do. $$$$ issues. Sigh. But I’ve got this?? Universe, where art thou? I’ve been flailing and I think I’m finding my way back. I need to listen and read spiritual stuff again.

This week I…

Music of the week: Rachel Platten, India.Arie, Maggie Rogers, Ariana Grande, Christina Aguilera, Rozzi, Jussie Smollett, Lake Street Drive

Yeah, still listening to Jussie. I don’t think he’ll be on my list next week. I need a break from him because of all this drama. He didn’t murder anyone or have sex with minors like R. Kelly so…Sorry had to get that get in. I’m a bit conflicted because the album is really good for a modern day R&B album. I’m used to R&B being crap these days so I was pleasantly surprised to hear his debut. Too bad everything is ruined. However, all his dates overseas sold out. Maybe he can still sing for them???

India.Arie’s new album is awesome. She’s coming here and I’m not going. 😦 Sigh. There’s a small chance I might go if there are actual seats (versus general admission). I hate to be in the back, but I LOVE her. Her music has gotten me through so much over the years.

TV of the week: Vanderpump Rules, basketball

Podcasts of the week: True Crime Garage, Cold, Online Marketing Made Easy, So You Wanna Be a Witch

Books of the week: Now reading – 

Plans for the Weekend:  Well, today is Saturday. I already went to the library. Tomorrow I have live astrology class. I know I’m going to get called on. I hope I don’t sound too stupid. haha. I will probably spend the rest of the weekend studying astrology. I don’t want to get behind.

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful weekend! 🙂

I have a famous dog​

OMG! Last week was the first weekly update I’ve missed in YEARS. I’m kind of sad because I like to keep up with what music I’ve listened to that week. lol. Oh well, I will update this weekend. So busy with this tarot/astrology stuff and I’m also working a little OT. 6 hours this week. I’m trying to work on Christmas, but I don’t know if the system will be up. Hmm.

Another short entry. Oh, and my dog got a bunch of vaccinations today. He was wandering around like a lost puppy earlier. He seems better now. I shouldn’t have gone on Bing to do more research. HORROR STORIES.

It’s 10PM now. Going to bed. A pic of my dog is going to be on the local news tomorrow. YAY. 🙂 🙂 😉 Hope he feels better ASAP.

All they ever do is let me down

Back to work today. :/ I did 30% of what I was supposed to accomplish on the new system.  But it was only officially day 1. Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I’m not counting on it, though. I think it will take me a while to get used to the system. I have about 3 months to get used to it. That’s a lot to ask, but that’s what they are asking. I think I said before that it took me 3 YEARS to get used to the old system and I wasn’t fast until year 4 or 5. Sigh.

I lowered my free practice tarot readings to three a week. That feels so good right now. I have ZERO readings to do at this moment. That will change when I get assigned one tomorrow. Since I’m only doing a few a week, I think I will have a 24-hour turn around time. It used to take me 2 days before I finished a reading. We have 7 days to complete a reading. Some people are shocked when we get back to them so quickly.

I don’t think my mentor and I will be friends. Acquaintances for a while? Yes. In case she is reading this, (95% sure she is not), it’s not you, it’s me. Or maybe it is you? You don’t want to be friends with me, do ya? No, right? Lots of questions with no answers. Seriously, I’m not meant to have friends. This isn’t a self-pitying statement. It’s the truth! No friends for me. I’ve been fine for decades like this so why try now?

Short entry. I’m going to work on my astrology course for 30 minutes, then get in the bed and read while watching The Bachelorette finale. I don’t know if I’ll ever watch the show again. Probably not. But I’m glad I caught it for the first time this year. So late. I know.