Sex Object

My interview is supposed to take place tomorrow, but I’m not sure it is. She emailed me and took off for the holiday weekend. How strange. So I have no confirmation and no idea whether I’m having my interview and I’m not clear on the time.

But this isn’t why I’m posting today. I wanted to share this quote:

But no one wants to listen to our sad stories unless they are smoothed over with a joke or nice melody. And even then, not always. No one wants to hear a woman talking or writing about pain in a way that suggests that it doesn’t end. Without a pat solution, silver lining, or happy ending we’re just complainers – downers who don’t realize how good we actually have it.

…So while my refusal to keep laughing or making you comfortable may seem like a real fucking downer, the truth is that this is what optimism looks like. Naming what is happening to us, telling the truth about it – as ugly and uncomfortable as it can be – means that we want it to change. That we know it is not inevitable.

-Jessica Valenti

I know a lot of people who think this way. I hear it all the time. I love the line about “making you comfortable”. FUCK THAT. Why must we do that? I don’t have to and I won’t.

I’m reading Jessica Valenti’s Sex Object. Obvs. I had to stop at that quote to post it.

I just printed out my notes for the interview. I have a lot covered, but not everything. I just want to know when the interview will take place.

I don’t know how I feel about it. I think they might think I have more experience than I actually do. That is not good. And the references are also an issue. So this is definitely far, far, from a sure thing. But I would love a chance to have a work at home job that pays more then I’m making now. Some people doing this get paid $60,000 a year. Of course, that won’t be me. I wish! Not that money is everything. I would rather have a job I like than making big bucks doing something I hated. But if I could get my foot in the door, that could be me.And I think I might like it.

::crossing fingers::


I’m so used to emptiness

If you are lucky, you have no idea what it’s like to have a disease that society questions because people can’t see it and aren’t sure they believe in it.

…..But, suddenly, a tumor on my spinal cord!…There was something wrong, there was something they could do, but, more important, I had something that I wasn’t ashamed of.

I recall actually saying to my twenty-year-old self: “Thank god I have cancer.”

This is something I wish for everyone who has a mental illness or addiction disorder. Not to have a tumor, obviously, but to have your illness taken as seriously as cancer.

-Patrick Kennedy Jr.

Let me write my own line

My new scale says my weight is currently 139.4. Hmm, I don’t believe that. There is no way I LOST 2+ pounds in 3 weeks. Maybe the clothes I wore to the gym were heavier? It isn’t like I was wearing jeans when I weighed myself at the gym. I don’t know. I’ve been walking 30 mins a day, mowing the lawn weekly and that’s it. No major food changes. In fact, I’ve kind of been eating more since I know I’m starting Nutrisystem on Sunday. 😉 I can’t believe I’m going to be on a diet (the first 7 days are unfortunately a diet) during my vacation/birthday. Who does that? BUT I can eat as many vegetables as I want so I don’t feel like I’m completely punishing myself.

I can’t wait for the first 7 days to be over. Then I can eat boiled eggs, fruit, snacks…and even bread! I’ve been on the anti-processed food bandwagon but since I don’t really cook, I feel like this is the best start for me. I’m looking forward to eating processed food after banning it from my diet. I know that’s weird. I’m only doing it for 2 months. I hope I can afford 2 months. That’s the plan.

I’m sooooooooo not looking forward to going to North Carolina tomorrow. My dog is going to be boarded for 2 days. 😦 We have never been away that long. (I adopted him in December 2014). But since he is being boarded maybe I will have time to go to Duke or eat out somewhere.

As of right now, I have decided to NOT get a business license.  I think it will delay me getting started. The county where I live doesn’t require one so I’m just going to sell at a couple of local places. My first sale will be my first (or second – lol) free weekend in June.

Quote from one of the best books I’ve read this year:

There is nothing more desperate and unrequited than the love an unpopular girl nurtures for the cool kids. One day, the kids in the popular clique were teasing me, about what, I don’t remember. I got angrier and angrier as they taunted me, not only because they were teasing me but also because I was so painfully aware of the gaping distance between where we were and where I wanted us to be….

From Bad Feminist: Essays by Roxanne Gay. This is a great book. So many good points. It is sort of a memoir and I think that is why it “only” has 4 stars on Amazon. She sometimes goes on personal tangents that don’t seem to have anything to do with feminism.

Posting this short entry now because I don’t know how much I will be able to update. The next two weeks are very hectic.

Shiny Happy People

I got my final midterm grades. I made an 84 on one and a 86 on the other. That’s the “real” school. I don’t care what I make on my passing-the-boards class. I mean, it has to be at least a 70. We have weekly webinars for the “fake” school (no offense) and I asked a question!! Of course I didn’t use my voice. I typed out the question in the chat. I felt extra brave for asking but once I got the answer, I felt as stupid as I usually do. I hate being vulnerable. That is sooo not me.


Music for the week:  Lorde, Mariah Carey, Suzanne Vega, Deanna Carter, Elle Varner, Imagine Dragons, A Great Big World, Maria Mena

TV for the week: basketball, Breaking Bad, Desperate Housewives

Haha @ me liking Desperate Housewives. I didn’t know it was so funny. #Late

Movie of the week: none (again)

Books of the weekBecoming Sister Wives: The Story of an Unconventional Marriage by Kody Brown and wives, The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff

The 19th Wife is kinda reminding me why I don’t read fiction anymore. But I want to read more fiction. I just can’t find anything that’ll keep my attention.

Quote of the week: 

The road of life is strewn with the bodies of promising people. People who show promise, yet lack the confidence to act. People who make promises they are unable to keep. People who promise to do tomorrow what they could do today. Turn your promise into a plan. Make no promise for tomorrow if you are able to keep it today.

– Iyanla Vanzant


I’m watching a basketball game right now. And then there is another game after this. lol. I will be watching and doing homework. I LOVE MARCH!!!!!!! (great month for basketball fans).

I know how to fake a hard look

You might not be able to help me. That makes me sad, but not for me. It makes me sad for you. It must be frustrating for a shrink to have a patient who’s beyond fixing. That first shrink I saw when I got back to Clayton Falls told me no one is a lost cause, but I think that’s bullshit. I think people can be so crushed, so broken, that they’ll never be anything more than a fragment of a whole person.

-still missing by chevy stevens

I now weigh about 134 lbs. I would think, “I’ve got to be pregnant” but I know I’m not. This is ridiculous! I weighed myself right after weight lifting class today. Don’t say muscle weighs more than fat because I know that is not the case for me. I just started working with weights. SCREAM. I don’t know what to do anymore. This is far from my biggest issue. I wouldn’t dare call it a problem but seeing 134 on the scale today was a little frustrating.

I’m frustrated with everything right now. FUCK. Weight shouldn’t even be a concern for me. I have so many real problems, issues & concerns. LOL. If I had to rate something #1, I guess it would be (should be) financial concerns.


I’m officially sick of the Zimmerman trial. Well it isn’t the trial as much as people talking about it. And what am I about to do? Blog about it. I don’t have a TV in my home office but I do have wireless headphones so I sometimes listen to the audio throughout the day. I love trials. I watch them all – big and small. I hate watching ones where the defendants have public defenders. NO OFFENSE to them. They just don’t have the funds to compete with the prosecution. And that’s not a level playing field.

Back to Zimmerman…I don’t understand why people are so caught up in who was yelling on the tape. Does it matter? To me it doesn’t because if a certain person had NOT FOLLOWED SOMEONE, none of this would have happened. MYOB. I know he is a overzealous neighborhood watch type so he isn’t a minding your business type. He thinks everything is his business. I know the type.

I think he should be charged with a lesser offense. Manslaughter or negligence. I know the law in Florida but self defense when he sought out trouble? Uh, no.


Horrible transition as in no transition. Confession: Sometimes I watch TV shows and wonder how my life would be different if I had friends in high school. I never went to a sleepover. I never had a birthday party. I never dated (and wasn’t allowed to). I never did anything normal. I know gauging normal by watching “Pretty Little Liars” (haha) is not something one should do but I wonder. What is it like to be able to talk?

Now I guess the question is ‘What is it like to want to talk?’ I don’t know if I ever really had the desire but now it is basically gone.


See I was reading my book and then I saw the quote. I stopped. I had to get that quote in my blog. So much for reading. I don’t do these ranting random posts as much as I used to so……..

/end rant


Hard Knocks

My uncle is dying of cancer. I think my dog has a tumor. These thoughts are always in the back of my mind these days. It just sucks. There is not much more to say other than I’m profoundly sad…and this really sucks. It is like nothing else really matters.


I know that blogging about politics would turn people off. But I can’t blog without sharing MY TRUTH. I know it will turn people off but whatever. It wasn’t even that radical. Fine. I would vote for Obama and Romney. I like them equally. 😉 That’s why I always laugh when people say “be yourself”. Uh, not me. I’m envious of people who can pull that off though.


What I needed to hear while growing up:

I told her it would likely go on and she’d have to survive it. That she’d have to find a way within herself to not only escape the shit, but to transcend it, and if she wasn’t able to do that, then her whole life would be shit, forever and ever and ever. I told her that escaping the shit would be hard, but that if she wanted to not make her mother’s life her destiny, she had to be the one to make it happen. She had to do more than hold on. She had to reach. She had to want it more than she’d ever wanted anything.

-Cheryl Strayed

What is more truer than that?


I feel so strongly about the injustice of the American justice system but I don’t know what I can do. Maybe the author offers solutions, I don’t know because I’m only 60% through the book. The only thing I know to do is to recommend people to read The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander.

  • If you have ever wondered why people plead guilty to crimes they did not commit.
  • If you have a ounce of curiosity of how the “others” live.
  • If you want to understand the underclass mentality.
  • If you didn’t know carrying any amount of marijuana is a felony in some states
  • If you want to know what it is like to live once you get out of prison (and why would anyone go back???)
  • If you want to know why so many black and brown men have prison records.
  • If you want to know the truth behind the “War on Drugs”.
  • If the words “white criminal” make you pause or if you find the words confounding. (be honest!).

Is the author preaching to the choir? We need regular curious people to read this book. I have always wanted to do something to help people once they get out of prison (it is in the archive somewhere). I hope she offers plausible solutions besides just call your politician. I would say that this is the last time I will mention this book, but I’m not sure. I’m passionate about this topic.

Injustice Anywhere Is a Threat to Justice Everywhere

You are are strong, but t…

You are are strong, but there is a flaw in your strength, and unless you learn to control it the flaw will prove stronger than your strength and defeat you. The flaw? Explosive emotional reaction out of all proportion to the occasion. Why? Why this unreasonable anger at the sight of others who are happy or content, this growing contempt for people and the desire to hurt them?

All right, you think they’re fools, you despise them because their morals, their happiness is the source of your frustration and resentment. But these are dreadful enemies you carry within yourself – in time destructive as bullets. Mercifully, a bullet kills its victim. The other bacteria, permitted to age, does not kill a man but leaves in its wake the hulk of a creature torn and twisted: there is still fire within his being kept alive by casting upon it maggots of scorn and hate.

He may successfully accumulate, but he does not accumulate success, for he is his own enemy and is kept from enjoying his achievements.

In Cold Blood – Truman Capote

So I found myself with no…

So I found myself with nothing but compassion for all the criminals and terrorists in the world, as well as their victims. I understood in a way I never had before that for people to commit such acts, they must really be full of confusion, frustration, pain, and self hatred. A self actualized and happy individual would never carry out such deeds! People who cherish themselves are a joy to be around, and they only share their love unconditionally. In order to be capable of such crimes, someone had to be (emotionally) diseased -in fact, much like having cancer.

However, I saw that those who have this particular type of “mental” cancer are treated with contempt in our society, with little chance of receiving any practical help for their condition, which only reinforces their condition. By treating them in this way, we only allow the “cancer” in our society to grow.

…We haven’t created a society that promotes both mental and physical healing.

Anita Moorjani (cancer survivor)

shadow days

“This guy looks like he is up to no good,” Zimmerman said on the 911 tape.

Please tell me, what would be the innocent way to walk down the street with an iced tea and some Skittles? Hint: For black men, that’s a trick question.

-Eugene Robinson {source}


These past few days have been crazy. I don’t know what’s going on so I can’t say. Hopefully I will have clarity soon.

I just wanted to blog about this great book I’m currently reading: The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom No, it isn’t a self help book. It is about the philosophy of this thing called happiness. I recommend it to psychology geeks as well as philosophy lovers. The author is a professor at the University of VA. I would love to take his psych class.

There is so much in this book and I’m only about 60% through. The author covers religion as it relates to life in general. At first I was thinking, “Oh NOEZ! not religion” but it only adds to the book. I follow Buddhism closely. And the one thing I have a big problem with is the whole non attachment thing. Am I really expected to live completely without attachments? Well the author pretty much agrees with me.

The major downer is the whole “You need people” thing. Huh? People? Don’t they suck? (me included). I get it but every time I read the numerous OBVIOUS studies on this, I think, well I should just kill myself. But I really like sports, music, current events (except vigilante events) and books. I can live for that. Then I will kill myself and prove all you people right.

Oops! Tangent. Where was I? The book. This review says it all:

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, lamented St. Paul, and this engrossing scientific interpretation of traditional lore backs him up with hard data. Citing Plato, Buddha and modern brain science, psychologist Haidt notes the mind is like an “elephant” of automatic desires and impulses atop which conscious intention is an ineffectual “rider.” Haidt sifts Eastern and Western religious and philosophical traditions for other nuggets of wisdom to substantiate—and sometimes critique—with the findings of neurology and cognitive psychology. The Buddhist-Stoic injunction to cast off worldly attachments in pursuit of happiness, for example, is backed up by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s studies into pleasure. And Nietzsche’s contention that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger is considered against research into post-traumatic growth. An exponent of the “positive psychology” movement, Haidt also offers practical advice on finding happiness and meaning. Riches don’t matter much, he observes, but close relationships, quiet surroundings and short commutes help a lot, while meditation, cognitive psychotherapy and Prozac are equally valid remedies for constitutional unhappiness. Haidt sometimes seems reductionist, but his is an erudite, fluently written, stimulating reassessment of age-old issues.

Awesome, awesome book. I would think professors would assign this to their psych majors. It is a nice intro to psychology and philosophy.

My favorite passage so far is:

Buddhism and Stoicism teach that striving for external goods, or to make the world conform to your wishes, is always striving after wind. Happiness can only be found within, by breaking attachments to external things and cultivating an attitude of acceptance.

Yep, it can be a self help book too. 🙂 I can’t say enough about this book. I have “highlighted” many passages to keep. (It is a library book from the Kindle library).

I could be coherent if I weren’t so damn tired. Long day. Read the book!