I said, “No, no, no”

The truth: I relapsed…twice in two weeks.

History: I suffer from hypervigilance due to PTSD.

Here’s part of the story from my paper journal:

Well I relapsed. I went to the beach and to another hotel (for 1 night) this week. I need to go to rehab. The problem is that rehab is my apartment. UGH! That sucks. But isn’t rehab supposed to suck…at least at first? How long will it take me to get used to it? The environment keeps changing so it’s hard to get used to it.

Geesh having no control whatsoever sucks. I just want 8 hours a day to concentrate on my work. There is no doubt that that is too much to ask for.

I have to get over knowing that they are there. It sounds so silly. But just the knowing is what drives me insane. Knowing and not being able to control it.

I just need to learn to stay at home. No point in running – easier said than done.

Living in the moment is fine until the moment sucks.

One day at a time. What I want to do is one week at a time. I feel the need to make sure the week (next week) is okay. Of course there is no way for me to know. Just live through it. Should I give myself a gold sticker each day I stay at home all day? ha. If I stay at home all next week (minus the gym), I’ll buy myself that $6.99 game.

I know what’s ailing me

How did I miss the whole filibuster thing? I worked 2 hours of OT on Friday afternoon. Missed everything. Ugh, is CSPAN going to repeat the thing? I wish I could watch on the internet. But dial-up and streaming videos don’t go together well.

I think I’m going to work as long as I can on this Friday too. What else is there to do on a Friday night? 😉

It is so cold inside my house. Brrr! Another reason to work overtime. And no my NYE plans are not canceled. Unfortunately instead of 2 nights, I will probably do one. The hotel isn’t expensive but I don’t know how to justify spending the money. I’m sure I can somehow though. I used to go to my mom’s on some NYE (to avoid my firework neighbors) but then I realized how selfish that was. What if she had plans but didn’t want to say NO to me? It is NYE after all. I don’t celebrate. In fact, I hate it. I’ve had so many bad NYE’s memories…including the suicidal one. So I just need to get away.

I haven’t booked the hotel because I can’t decide on the number of nights. It’s not like the fireworks start on NYE. In fact I’ve already heard some. It will only get worse. Noise scares me in irrational ways. I react to noise like a person who is scared of snakes might react to seeing on snake on TV.

Speaking of fears…My therapist totally thinks I have PTSD. DUH!!!!!! I don’t need a doctorate. I live with myself. Since this fear is chronic and I relive it DAILY, it has no option but to be labeled PTSD. But forget the label. It is only important because the book is soooo awesome!! (The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms I almost LOL’d when my therapist pulled the book off her bookshelf. I was not expecting that at all. Anyone with a severe phobia has to get this book. I wasn’t able to complete all the exercises on my own but my therapist easily helped me.

I just hope I can tame the fear. I’m taking it slowly.

Ugh, I had to do something public today. NOT public speaking. I would die before that. But still…The comments from coworkers bothered me. I did it in the past with a ‘nice’ group 2 years ago. I didn’t freak out as much but today AHHHHHHHHH! I hope I don’t do it tomorrow. I couldn’t think. Tears (not a lot) were streaming down my face. I was super clumsy. Just another day in my life.

I really wish people could control their months because I’m sure they would if they could, right? I mean that would be NICE. 🙂

Talkarhea is what they have….and no desire to get rid of it.

Go Ravens!! I bleed purple.

all work, no play

I dropped one class – the two credit class. On a whim I thought why not drop 2 classes (5 credits) so I started with that. There was a glitch. The system started back at the beginning. I’m a big sign person. So of course I thought that meant something. Thus I’m only getting a check for one class. Even thought it was only 2 credits, I expected more money back with fees, taxes etc. Oh well, I can’t wait to get that check. It should be in my hands in 3 weeks.

I’m bummed that our company won’t let us work on December 24 BUT they will let us work on December 25 for regular pay. No overtime unless I somehow work 8 hours during the week. I don’t have the stamina for that. Trust me, the need is there. So yes I will be working on Xmas. I’ll probably work 6-8 hours. I can think of worse things to do and better things like SLEEPING.

I feel like I disappointed management by not working this past Saturday to make up for my lock out of the house day. I don’t really care….LOL…Well I kinda do. However, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done things just to please them. And I’m an extremely loyal person (to a fault) but I know these companies aren’t loyal to their employers. So I’ve stopped feeling bad. The only reason why I didn’t work this past Saturday was because it was my only “Do nothing/Go nowhere” weekend in a looong time. I’d been counting on that since early November.

I’m working 8 hours for the first time this Saturday. I usually try to make it short so I can do chores and REST.

I’m going to see my therapist next week for the first time in about 2 months. Since it has been so long I need to have a plan. So much has happened. I don’t want to rehash the past two months. I want to talk about what is going on NOW. I definitely need a plan. I think I want to go the PTSD route. The books on social anxiety are too um, tame. I have something stronger (Okay I have SA, general anxiety, an avoidant personality, PTSD and a touch of OCD). I’m going to start working on my PTSD workbook tonight to see if it is relevant and if it is, I’m going to take that to the therapist office. Otherwise I have a lot of material 😉 but
just thinking about these past two months is overwhelming. Mainly THE PHONES happened.

I really think PTSD is my main problem. Every time I go into a social situation I go back to my childhood/teenage years. I act like I’m 10 in those situations. I appear 10 years old. I’ve also thought for a long time that PTSD is what indirectly killed Janis Joplin. I confirmed it with myself after I read a bio on her last year. I was a psych/business major (How cliché!). I can’t help it.

This is why I’m so glad that bullying is being brought to the forefront. We were just whining, right? Unfortunately it took many beautiful people to kill themselves before anyone would listen. The average looking people weren’t on the cover of People magazine but yes, they committed suicide too. Sigh. Are people finally getting it? No not everyone is bullied/teased. Then you have to take into account their support system. If the kids don’t have a support system, wow. I’m definitely not the poster child for It Gets Better (LOL!) but it does get better, the average person has more choices when you grow up. (By average I mean no major mental or physical illnesses or dire circumstances like domestic abuse – I’m always thinking that way – psych major.)

PMSing today. I wanted to kill people who looked in my direction. GO AWAY!!!!!! The people and the PMS.

Unglamorous

Just when I thought I knew it all…Is this what it feels like to be normal?

Prior to the occurrence of a traumatic event or events, there are generally certain basics assumptions that guide your life. You probably believe that the world is kind, that there is meaning to your life, and that things make sense. You believe that you are good and worthy of having good things happen to you. Then trauma strikes. You’re vulnerable and your world is no longer safe and secure. Furthermore, you can’t make sense of what is left over. The meaning of life that was present just a short time before is gone. Life is no longer fair and just.

from The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms

Um, WOW! Is that what I’m missing? There are people out there who believe life is fair????!!!! Um, my definition is probably different than what that means. I take everything way too literal. Anyhow, what if you never had the good life? Or if you can’t remember it? What then? I’m flawed for life! (dramatic? nope).

Hmm, it makes a lot of sense. It sort of goes back to what I posted about faith in my last entry. If security is foreign to you, how do you develop faith? I’m just thinking out loud.

I don’t have PTSD according to the DSM but I do have almost all of the symptoms (I don’t experience hallucinations).

  • You make a great effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma, or to avoid activities, places, or people that would cause you to remember the trauma. (check – avoid human interaction).

    You feel detached or participation or estranged from others. (no shit!)

    Your ability to feel emotions is restricted, as is your range of emotions. (ditto)

    You have a sense of a foreshortened future – you can’t see ahead into a far-off future (e.g., you don’t expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span).**************

  • **Funny I have felt this sense I was at least 10 years old (and still do today). I have never heard or seen it as a symptom of anything. Weird. The marriage and kids are not for me…especially kids but those are just examples of what most people see in a future.

    I’m freaked out. Anyhow, maybe this book about PTSD will be helpful to someone else experiencing these symptoms. I’m not going to delve into this book now since I own it (via paperbackkswap.com). I have three books from the library that I have to read. I was bored last night and this was the closet book to me so I just read the first chapter.

    I should rename this blog “passages” because that is all I’m posting these days.