Cause I’m feeling like hell

I’m Binging suicide and psychology Master’s programs. Which one will I choose? Probably not the latter. I don’t know man. My week vacation could not come at a better time. I have almost no motivation to work.

Then last night the people in back of me* made noise ALL night. This is unusual. I hope it remains unusual. I had to sleep in my living room. At least -unlike an apartment- I have somewhere to escape. But I really didn’t sleep well at all. I woke up every hour. I’m not shocked I can still hear noise despite not having neighbors. You can’t run from a problem and expect it to completely disappear. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. So I knew it was coming.

*At least I think it is the people in back of me. I don’t have people to the side of me so I’m guessing it has to be them but it could be the people on the other side of the road. I don’t know.

I know what suicide entails so don’t ask me why I’m searching the net for it.

Somebody speak to me, ‘cause I’m feeling like hell. Need you to answer me, I’m overwhelmed. I need a voice to echo, I need a light to take me home. I need to star to follow, I don’t know


Just to clarify two things (cause I’m sure people give a damn – lol)

When I said my PTSD is bad, I mean for me. I’m not comparing it to other people. I don’t have nightmares or vivid flashbacks. etc.

And when I tweeted about being bummed that the GRE costs $185….I’m not really pissed. Well it does suck but I’m not 100% sure I want to get my Master’s. My manager sort of planted that seed so I’m just doing research. One thing I have found out is that I would have to do it online. The local schools either only offer PHDs or I would have to go full-time etc.

If I do decide to get my Master’s: I’m torn between regular psychology and forensic psychology. Plain psychology is broader so if I’m unsure, I should go with that. OTOH, I’ve written essays in this blog about how I would like to help people in prison so forensic psychology sort of makes sense.

Just a thought or maybe a hidden dream. I dunno.

The M.S. in Forensic Psychology can help prepare you to find work in a variety of positions, including:

  • Case manager
  • Clinical or program director
  • Correctional officer
  • Court liaison
  • Expert witness
  • Forensic treatment specialist
  • Jury consultant
  • Law enforcement advocate
  • Researcher
  • Victim advocate

I would not want to be an expert witness. Just sayin’.



I went to the park near my house yesterday. I like. 🙂 It has a ton of water which is all I ever really want anyway. I was supposed to be exercising but I spent half of my time journaling and reading on my Kindle. I’ll definitely go back next week.

I did take a break on the apartment thing. I’m going to post it again tomorrow in another section. I am also considering putting it in the newspaper. That will cost anywhere from $40 – $60. So I don’t know…I just wish people would get that I live 20 minutes away from my apartment  (time and a ton of gas going back and forth) and I don’t want to keep showing it to people who are just looking. Serious inquiries only!

so much for my happy ending

I’m definitely depressed. It doesn’t take a PHD to know that a person with social anxiety is going to have some depression. By definition, it isn’t social anxiety or any anxiety if it doesn’t severely affect your life. So I get that. But…

I guess I just want it to be over. I’m not used to being depressed every day. I’m not used to not like going to work. I’m not used to this amount of gossip (and I thought high school was bad!)

So it’s 11:40 pm Thursday night and I don’t have time to plan out everything. During my lunch break, I have to go home & get laundry ready. It will have to wait until Friday night or maybe Saturday.

Unhealthy living this is. Orson Welles said,

If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.

My happy endings:

  • getting my acceptance letter to — university & finally realizing I was leaving home
  • getting a new position @ the same company after years of no job stability
  • the day I brought my house
  • That’s most of it. All of my happy endings end on day ONE.

    And I can’t remember who said people go through droughts of bad years and then good years. It comes in 7 year stints. That gave me hope a few years ago. Looking at it objectively, I can see how the 7 year thing seems pessimistic but to me…it was a chance. I had something to look forward to. I know there will always be problems and suffering (Buddhism). I’m not naïve. However, I thought it would be manageable. It has been more than 7 years. I haven’t been depressed for seven years straight…I’d be dead if that were the case. But everything else has been going on since I was at least 14. And I’m not a teenager anymore.

    I should be asleep so I can rush around tomorrow (well technically it is ‘tomorrow’) like a mad woman. A break won’t solve my work issues so it isn’t about that.

    This is what happens after I am around a group of people. After work, I went to a salon. Another social disaster. This is why I avoid social situations. Typical psych 101. I get ‘punished’ every time I do anything around people so why would I NOT avoid it. I have a B.S. (stop the joke) in psych and I know all this has real names but I can’t even get the terminology right. Long day. dehydrated and bad eating.