I Dig Everything

If you don’t have anything nice to say…post pictures!

Don’t read the following paragraph if you are eating or hate TMI: I am PMSing like crazy. Last month it was a breeze. This month I’m mentally and physically hurting a whole week in advance. I cannot wait until this ends. I have to look into options but that is another entry. Also I vomited in my car this morning! OMG.No, I did not pull over. I just kept driving. I was very annoyed. :/ I am always nauseous but I NEVER throw up. NEVER! I just gag. I didn’t even think about going home. I can’t even blog about this anymore without getting nauseous. So done.
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I scanned the following pictures with my 3 year old scanner. These aren’t the best quality photos. If I keep posting pics, I should probably change my theme (again).

The following come from Bungalow Style: Creating Classic Interiors in Your Arts and Crafts Home (link). I never knew the history of Bungalows was so interesting. Yes I live in one. We call them “ranchers”. My house was built in the 1950s and not much has been updated since then. Back to the book, I got it from the library. I love it so much…I’m thinking about buying it. Heh. Okay onto the pics:

This is what I want to do now:

terra cotta

I’m definitely not doing built in bookshelves in my current house (due to cost and not getting a return on investment) but this pic is very inspiring. I’m looking for a framed picture and maybe I will put a shelf under it just like the pic. I love that!

The following pics are from Decorating Basics : Styles, Colors, Furnishings (link). The info is useless to me but the pics are nice. I love the Southwestern style. The following pics are excellent examples of the southwestern look. What I would give just to stay in a place like this for ONE night or even visit…

southwestern

*DROOL* How can you not love the pic below? I love antiques and browns. Perfect.

feels like home

And I love this one just because of the colors. It isn’t southwestern. Can I just move in?

I have to get a framed painting. I have an unframed painting hanging in my living room. The artist was so cute. 🙂 I couldn’t resist his charm. He had the most amazing nature painting. I got a tiny discount because he could tell I was so unsure. The painting is below in the entry about the pedestal/flower arrangements.

I scanned this photo 3 years ago. It is a pic of my dream bedroom. I’m still dreaming!

dream bedroom

That’s it for now. My crochet class needs to start ASAP so I can focus all my energy on that. I’m trying not to get into anything until I take the class next week.

not reality, it’s actuality

I’m bummed. No water. No call backs. (Yes I did call the plumber back but I won’t again. If he doesn’t want to do it. I just need to know). Update somewhere in this entry. It wasn’t my water heater, it is the pipe. It is completely ruined. Apparently that is worse than having a broken water heater.

My cat is going to run out of water. 😦 Damn, I did rush into a store but I didn’t buy any water.

It sucks that this is happening and midterms are next week.

One good thing is that I don’t have to make up today. No one had today off so I got it. yay! It is rare for 8 hours to be out there. I guess people are saving time for spring/summer.
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Since I was home I did get to watch Court TV Tru TV. If I had a DVR, I would probably record that when I’m at work. I hate when they show taped trials and have people comment on them. How fake is that? They already know the verdict. Get rid of the talking heads. Oh, that isn’t what I’m supposed to be blogging about.

While watching Tru TV, I saw a commercial for NovaSure. I want! I want! I don’t really have a heavy period so at first I dismissed it. Info about NovaSure from an unbiased site:

NovaSure is a minimally invasive procedure that many women turn to in place of a hysterectomy. During a procedure, electromagnetic energy is introduced to the uterus with a small wand, similar to what is used during an ultrasound. The energy breaks up the lining, causing it to shed. By reducing the amount of uterine lining, there is less bleeding and cramping each month.

Treatment is usually over in less than two minutes and women can return to their regular activities in a few days. Since the procedure is performed through the vaginal opening, there is no incision and no stitches.

…After healing, most women experience lighter periods, less cramping, and a decrease in PMS-related symptoms. More than 90 percent of women who have had the procedure are satisfied with the results. For women who have suffered for year from heavy cramping and bleeding, the NovaSure procedure is a welcome relief to their symptoms.

I am the person who would never, ever get unnecessary surgery. I am the person who would never be foolish enough to try something new. However, I’m desperate so bring it on. Just my luck. I would get my uterine lining removed and nothing else would change. This procedure is obviously not for women who plan to have kids. I have a feeling a doctor wouldn’t do this on a 20 year old because of course you will change your mind and want to have kids. I’m sure I could convince a doctor to do it to me. I’ll just say:

“I think sex is disgusting” “I hate people” etc. I’m sort of joking but um, I’m not having any kids in this body. That I know for sure. I’m going to read about other people’s experiences before I decide. I doubt I decide anything in the next 6 months. I’m not impulsive when it comes to new, scary procedures.
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The warranty people just called me. It will cost me an extra $100 to get it done. At this point I don’t care. He will fix it Saturday morning. Don’t worry I will buy bottled water for my cat….
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To end this uplifting entry I’m going to post the last of the rings I will be selling at my 2nd annual Mother’s Day flea market sale. I hope this isn’t all I will have but I’m still going to do it even if this is all I have. I want to have things other than jewelry.

love these. so fun!

already posted these

Aren’t they lovely? I hope I have more to sell but if not…I’m willing to sit there all day with these.
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I need to study & eat. I haven’t taken my medicine because I don’t want to drink anything else but I guess I will. I’m way off schedule with the Wellbutrin. I will probably skip that. Argh, I hate skipping new meds.

The Sick In The Head Song

Colds aren’t curable. Taking antibiotics for a cold can end up hurting you. I always wondered why people went to the doctor for a cold. Now I know why! Because doctors wrongly prescribed things and people think they work. ??? NEWSFLASH: Going to a doctor does not help with a common cold. It’s a cold. Um…..I swear Never ask me if I’m to the doctor for a cold. I will suddenly be able to talk. (This has nothing to do with kids and colds. It is probably different for them.) Sorry, it is a pet peeve of mine.

Here’s webmd since I’m not a reliable source. No, I don’t have a cold but ugh, I can feel PMS coming on. It sucks soooooooooooo much. If I could just be alone in the country (heh), I could deal with it. But knowing that other people can be affected by MY irritability makes it 100x worst.

I should be keeping track of this in my paper journal but I’m not tracking it for a doctor. I can tell because things that I can usually overlook aren’t overlooked. No matter how hard I try…..This just sucks. Unfortunately PMS seems to last for 7 days+ for me. Cramps are nothing (to me) compared to the PMS symptoms. I already have enough mental ish to deal with.

Okay, I’m done. It’s day 1 so I had to get that out.

I’m supposed to be blogging about a church invite. She is a Christian. I’m not. However, I am open minded. (I did recently say that I thought most preachers are full of crap but that doesn’t mean their message is bad). I do occasionally listen to Christian ministers on TV. I’ve always been interested in religion. Judiasm mystifies me. Don’t ask me why of all religions that I am so into trying to “get” that.

Asking a non-Christian to go to a Baptist church is kinda weird….no? The only thing I can think of is that church is the one thing she does outside of work so why not invite a person? But she doesn’t know that I’m not a Christian for a reason. I don’t believe in a God. or Jesus. or any savior.

In fact, where I live you are considered evil or a devil if you say you aren’t Christian. So maybe it is my fault for not coming right out and saying it. I did tell her that “I’m not religious”. I think I led her to believe that I’m agnostic. I guess she doesn’t know that I’m an atheist. If she weren’t a coworker…If I didn’t know that she would tell the other coworkers what I said…then I would have no problems telling her. I’m not ashamed of it. But do you really want to be known as a devil at work?

When two people found out I was familiar with Buddhism, they freaked out! “Does she believe in God?” They did some research on the Google machine 😉 and came to the conclusion that “they” believe in a God but not like Christians do. ?????

*Whew*

I just don’t feel it is right to judge someone for not wanting to go to church OF ALL PLACES with you. It’s CHURCH. I don’t believe in that particular faith. Church is the last place I would go. I would rather go to a library or museum. And then she asks me these questions in front of other coworkers. So now they know that I have “no religion”. I also turned her church invite down. I didn’t really. If I were being 100% honest like I am most of the time I would have said, “NO”. Instead I said “maybe”. See, I’m learning to lie social skills slowly. But the others heard and they said stuff. I don’t know exactly what. I was listening to my iPod. I know they were being assholes about it. (NOT the one who asked me but the other coworkers).

As far as religion goes I do study Buddhism but I will probably never call myself one. The biggest difference between Buddhism and Christianity is the whole savior thing. And asking a God for forgiveness is not good enough. etc. But there are a lot of similarities. I have a hard time getting over the savior thing though.

Also, on the weekends I like to hibernate. This isn’t a religious thing. This is an introvert, loner thing. I don’t think I could ever commit to going to church every week. That is simply too much people/social stuff. If I worked at home then going to a church once a week wouldn’t seem so bad. I do need some stimulation. LOL.

Is this a bitchy entry? I probably didn’t get my point across. I just wanted to get this out. And no, this woman I would not consider a friend because she tells my coworkers things I say. We go weeks without talking so we are merely acquaintances. I can’t be friends with someone I can’t trust. If I ever have a friend, I’m pretty sure it won’t be a coworker due to gossip.

Psychologically fragile

Warning: PMS talk
I hate bad Fridays!!!!! %$*# One girl – MnX did one thing and it set me off. Not in a physically way but in a mental way. FUCK. I hate PMS. She knew it would affect me but I’m sure she had no idea that it would make me ask, “Why are people so mean?” (naïve – yes & not at all helpful.) Dude, I’ve done nothing to you but you are going to start with me when I’m already irritable?

MnX is one of those loud trouble makers. I can respect the quiet ones because at least I can ignore them and I think, “Well they could be loud and starting stuff but they aren’t”. MnX goes on rants about me. Yes me! To this day, she has never said why she doesn’t like me. (Of course I know why – You try being quiet at work, I mean real quiet and they might not like you either). One day she got into my face and sighed hostility. She didn’t say anything. What could she say? I haven’t done anything to her.

I had a chance to rat her out but I am against tattling. It’s a moral thing for me. My manager asked me has anyone been physically hostile? I paused, thought about the incident and slowly said “noooo”. (I know that incident isn’t like getting physically hit but someone getting into your face like that in a work environment? That shows signs of hostility and could lead to something.)

I don’t know why she can’t ignore me like everyone else does. It must be her personality. I don’t know. I don’t get it. As for me ignoring her: It’s hard! #1. She talks loud. #2. She just rants about me (or whatever) to anyone who will listen. I hate being the center of attention. It is so embarrassing. Since she is so loud, people in other departments begin to talk about me and asks questions. This happened today and yesterday. 😦 So the “others” (heh) have now started and I feel like I’m stuck. How can I stop this? Sigh.

Anyhow, PMS makes me feel like a freaking monster. The research says that it can get worse at 30. I’m not a normal 30 year old in any other way but in that way. Thanks a lot. It’s the pits. I don’t know what else to do. As if I don’t have enough issues. What do I deal with first? I’m trying to figure out which is more firable. That is the most important thing. Social anxiety, irritability (10x worse during PMS), depression, etc.

I’m going to see my counselor in 2 weeks or so. It isn’t working. She is fixated on social anxiety. Nothing else I say matters. But it’s not like I dislike going. I just need to be proactive because I’m basically a hamster on a wheel. Another issue is that I have so many issues that it is impossible to cover everything in one hour. That’s why I want an affordable life coach…I should be making an appointment with my shrink.

Well I did get some organizing done this afternoon. I wish I had a washer & dryer but oh well. I will be doing school work all weekend. I have been doing assignments but not much reading/studying this past week. No OT. I probably will go out on Sunday to the gym (if I don’t have my period 😉 )

No meditating on the people at work. And I will have to have a new outlook for Monday even if I am PMSing.

all work, no play

I dropped one class – the two credit class. On a whim I thought why not drop 2 classes (5 credits) so I started with that. There was a glitch. The system started back at the beginning. I’m a big sign person. So of course I thought that meant something. Thus I’m only getting a check for one class. Even thought it was only 2 credits, I expected more money back with fees, taxes etc. Oh well, I can’t wait to get that check. It should be in my hands in 3 weeks.

I’m bummed that our company won’t let us work on December 24 BUT they will let us work on December 25 for regular pay. No overtime unless I somehow work 8 hours during the week. I don’t have the stamina for that. Trust me, the need is there. So yes I will be working on Xmas. I’ll probably work 6-8 hours. I can think of worse things to do and better things like SLEEPING.

I feel like I disappointed management by not working this past Saturday to make up for my lock out of the house day. I don’t really care….LOL…Well I kinda do. However, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done things just to please them. And I’m an extremely loyal person (to a fault) but I know these companies aren’t loyal to their employers. So I’ve stopped feeling bad. The only reason why I didn’t work this past Saturday was because it was my only “Do nothing/Go nowhere” weekend in a looong time. I’d been counting on that since early November.

I’m working 8 hours for the first time this Saturday. I usually try to make it short so I can do chores and REST.

I’m going to see my therapist next week for the first time in about 2 months. Since it has been so long I need to have a plan. So much has happened. I don’t want to rehash the past two months. I want to talk about what is going on NOW. I definitely need a plan. I think I want to go the PTSD route. The books on social anxiety are too um, tame. I have something stronger (Okay I have SA, general anxiety, an avoidant personality, PTSD and a touch of OCD). I’m going to start working on my PTSD workbook tonight to see if it is relevant and if it is, I’m going to take that to the therapist office. Otherwise I have a lot of material 😉 but
just thinking about these past two months is overwhelming. Mainly THE PHONES happened.

I really think PTSD is my main problem. Every time I go into a social situation I go back to my childhood/teenage years. I act like I’m 10 in those situations. I appear 10 years old. I’ve also thought for a long time that PTSD is what indirectly killed Janis Joplin. I confirmed it with myself after I read a bio on her last year. I was a psych/business major (How cliché!). I can’t help it.

This is why I’m so glad that bullying is being brought to the forefront. We were just whining, right? Unfortunately it took many beautiful people to kill themselves before anyone would listen. The average looking people weren’t on the cover of People magazine but yes, they committed suicide too. Sigh. Are people finally getting it? No not everyone is bullied/teased. Then you have to take into account their support system. If the kids don’t have a support system, wow. I’m definitely not the poster child for It Gets Better (LOL!) but it does get better, the average person has more choices when you grow up. (By average I mean no major mental or physical illnesses or dire circumstances like domestic abuse – I’m always thinking that way – psych major.)

PMSing today. I wanted to kill people who looked in my direction. GO AWAY!!!!!! The people and the PMS.

summercat

I will enjoy the last weekend of the summer at the beach. It is going to be much warmer than I thought. I wasn’t counting on that. My wardrobe is inappropriate. I thought I could get away with wearing my ripped jeans. I could only find one pair of shorts. I doubt I wear them since I don’t shave my legs. (I do occasionally shave my arms). I’m against shaving my legs and arms for the most part yet I refuse to really show them. My hairy arms are visible a lot during the summer. TMI, I know. 🙂

I can’t believe how much football I will be missing. This is the beginning of the season. The best part. I usually never go anywhere during this time of year. This is the first time, I’m going to miss…everything. I love football season. I can’t tell myself this is only “one weekend” because every weekend in college/pro football is unique. Some weeks there are no good college or NFL games but not this weekend. Yes I love my football. This isn’t a complaint (every other entry is full of them though). It is just a realization: Damn, I’m going to miss a whole weekend of football.
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To clarify my last entry a little. I know if I went to an OB-GYN, she would say,”Honey you have more than PMS, you have PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) “. I’m getting a little bored. Should I make an appointment with a doctor just to shock one? I love doing that. 😉 J/K. Anyhow, I think PMS just exaggerates my social anxiety. I hate going to the bank anytime but when I went this past week, it was the worse. I know the teller thought I liked him. People (especially men) misinterpret my timidness as admiration. heh. It was horrible. I couldn’t look him in the eye. He was passing me money and I wasn’t even aware because I was looking down. I never want to go back but the lady at work and sometimes my mom gives me checks (for Avon). I need to get the drive-thru down. It took me FOREVER to go to a fast food drive thru. I was so scared.

I was so tired when I typed my PMS entry. The bottom line is that it is harder to FOCUS during that time. If someone comes into a aisle I’m in doing a um, normal time I am jittery. But during PMS time, I have to get out because all my attention is on that person. Looking for anything is impossible. Thinking is impossible. The fight/flight part of anxiety happens quickly. I just flee from people ASAP. I don’t think about it.

This is what I hope to explain to my therapist next week. (I see her only monthly). I’m going to write it out in my paper journal.

I’m getting really tired. No afternoon nap today. I’m hoping to read, reflect and write this weekend. I’ll try not to think too much about missing football.

Work. Why is it always 1 mini social step and then 4 social steps back? I hate meetings. 😦

PREmenstrual syndrome

Is anyone watching Joe Biden on The Rachel Maddow Show? How can progressives not get fired up? Sigh. Where are the progressives/liberals? I think they have joined the tea party movement. No really – I think they are so heartbroken that they will not get excited about politics for a long time. About 10 years or so. It’s sad really but it is their fault. If they had supported their man Howard Dean instead of John Kerry, things would be completely different. That is a perfect example of how to NOT let fear rule. When you let fear rule, you always lose. I should know…

I simply responded “okay” to my dad. As if it is okay you %$#%^.
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I finally figured out what’s wrong with me. No, really! And I’m so excited. The only downside is trying to convince my Zoloft dispensing doctor of what is really right for me. I won’t see him again for another 3 months.

I have PMS. Who knew? LOL.And no not every woman has it. I didn’t until a couple of years ago. If I had a peer group (AKA friends), I would have known this sooner. If people didn’t abuse the words: Premenstrual syndrome,, then I would have probably known this sooner. But at least I know now.

The best website I’ve found on PMS is from Mayo Clinic. You have to keep clicking next to read all of the info.

For the past 3 years, I’ve been on Zoloft. I assumed that Zoloft was making me irritable. What else could it be, right? However, I had good results on Zoloft. But my doctor has lowered the dose (ARGH!), because I didn’t want to be so irritable. Well, it was PMS. I didn’t know that:

PMS occurs about 10 days BEFORE your period.

I always wondered why I wasn’t irritable or craving sweets during my period. During my period, my appetite is low to normal. But during PMS, keep sweets out of my eye sight. I know the name PREmenstrual syndrome should have been a clue. But 10 days before? Wow. I have all the symptoms. It has only affected my life (which is the REAL definition of PMS – thank you), for about 2-3 years.

I put it together this week because I was extremely irritable at work. The past two weeks have been “fine”. (As fine as work can be for me – lol). But on Monday, I was full “don’t fucking look at me” mode. I was trying to figure out what changed. Bottom line, I figured it out by noticing physical symptoms and eventually figuring out when I might get my period. If I weren’t going to the beach this weekend, I would have never tried to figure out when I was getting my period. (After beach but who knows?)

There’s another reason why I never put the two together. I don’t really keep up with my period! I’m never wondering if I’m pregnant etc.

There is no laboratory test or unique physical findings to verify the diagnosis of PMS. The three key features are:

• The woman’s chief complaint is one or more of the emotional symptoms associated with PMS (most typically irritability, tension, and/or unhappiness).
• Symptoms appear predictably during the luteal (premenstrual) phase, reduce or disappear predictably shortly before or during menstruation, and remain absent during the follicular (pre-ovulatory) phase of the menstrual cycle.
• The symptoms must be severe enough to disrupt or interfere with the woman’s everyday life.

BAM! PMS. Has a person ever been this happy to say, “I have PMS!” Trust me the happiness is already fading. What – you mean I’m going to have to deal with this for a while??? It’s not just going to go away if I stop the Zoloft? Huh?

To end this entry, here is how PMS manifests in me:

I was so irritable at the store today that when someone came into the aisle, I would leave. Nope, I don’t always do that. LOL. In fact, I was so irritable I left the checkout line without buying anything. I never do that.

I’m extremely sensitive to noise.

I just want to be left alone…which makes work so much harder. People irritate me the most. But my pets also get yelled at more. (Good thing I don’t have kids!). And THINGS even irritate me. You have my permission to call that crazy but it’s true.

I wish I could change my life around it but as long as I have to go to work around people, that isn’t realistic. But now that I know, I will never go to the store during this time or do anything that involves voluntarily being around people. Of course there are things I can’t help. And I’m not going to look 2 months in advance to see when I might have PMS. I’ve also been experiencing insomnia. But I thought this was due to my dad until I read this was a symptom of PMS.

I bet the day I left work crying was during PMS. Everything just make sense now. I would also say to my therapist. “For some reason I was extremely irritable last week.” I’ve said this to her on more than one occasion and NOT ONCE did she mention PMS. Screw the doctors, I have google. 😉 It is always a full week. Only two more days left during this work week. Ugh, Monday and Tuesday were the worse.

Gosh, I hope the symptoms don’t get worse. Since I’ve “only” been dealing with this for a few years, I’m worried. But there is no way to really know. This entry won’t be my last words on this..

calling on the universe

i just feel so destitute right now. what am i supposed to feel/do when i hear someone talking about how i’m going to get fired? i haven’t cried all week but i do feel like crying now. ending it all.

#1 can she stfu about me being possibly fired?? “i don’t feel sorry for her at all. but what is she going to do (for income).” good points because you are married and you aren’t a neurotic, socially phobic, socially inept twit

BUT STFU

#2 they are doing things to press by buttons.

usually i would say “tomorrow is a new day. i won’t react. i will have a good day.”…………

but i’m pmsing (LOL) which makes me more irritable. so i feel so much pressure. not only do i not have to not react, i have to do it when i have pms!!!!

all bets are off when i’m sick or pmsing. i am just so much more irritable at these times. so tomorrow will be hard. they will tempt me.

it is so hard. what medication do i have to take to be less irritable? what do i eat? today i had no coffee but i did have a can of diet mountain dew @ lunch.

i feel like giving up. 😦

universe, I want to keep this job. i want to be able to not be so reactive. i want to free myself of the negativity. i want to be a good person. i want to be able to feel gratitude instead of wanting to choke my coworker. please!
please!

this is a plea for my life