if I were a boy

When I call customer service, I want ANSWERS. RESULTS. And uh, that is it. Nothing more. Shocking I know. I don’t want inane chit-chat…especially about the weather. So I would never do that to someone else. I’m results oriented and I think that will create more pressure on me. I will feel like I fail if I don’t get a result quickly or I have to do a callback. I don’t call customer service at the drop of a dime. I tend to wait until the last minute because it is the last thing I want to do. I try to resolve it first on the company’s website. Then I may research it through Google.

Also chit-chat wastes time. A customer service rep who has been on the job for a while can easily do the fake chit-chat and do whatever they have to do. Me won’t be able to do that. (Have I mentioned that I am NOT a customer service rep and have never been? read below).

I know what most people will think of the following: I hate when I’m in a store trying to check out and the cashier is holding up the line due to chatting. That used to me at CVS a lot. The same woman. I rarely go there now so I don’t know if she is still there. But I want to scream, “UM HELLO? SOME PEOPLE HAVE PLACES TO GO. I’M ON MY LUNCH BREAK. CHAT SOME OTHER TIME. THIS IS A CHECK OUT LINE!” That drives me nuts…especially when I’m in a time crunch.

It’s fine for guys to say stuff like this but a woman? Oh, what a bitch. LOL. Jim Rome complains about how the tellers at the bank chit chat about stupid ish. “How is your family?” “What are you doing this weekend?” WHO CARES. CASH THE DAMN CHECK. Of course some people email in about how it is part of their job but they do not treat everyone that way. Being friendly is one thing, asking questions is over the top. Fake. Stop wasting your breath. I know they are told to be friendly. They could lose their jobs if they aren’t. I don’t blame them. I blame the people with a ton of time on their hands and they want to be treated like royalty. PLEASE. Get over yourself. I try not to show my frustration…most of the time. But it really annoys me when the workers can see a long line yet they still insist on moving slow and chatting. URGH!!!

I hate when people complain about a cashier not being friendly. (Um, you wanna borrow a real problem?) Funny when I go into a store, I just want the cashier to ring my stuff up. I guess I’m weird. LOL.

So yes I will treat customers how I want to be treated when I’m not terrified. I will try my best to get you ANSWERS. RESULTS. That’s it. I can’t believe people want more. Damn extroverts. J/K. There are introverts who bitch about only getting results too.

People. :: Sigh::

I think I’m 50% female & 50% male. I used to be more stereotypical male but now I think it just depends on the issue. I very much live in a bachelor pad. I love my sports (except baseball – hate it). But I have changed a little over time. I got into fashion a few years ago. I loved Laguna Beach and the beginning of The Hills (pre Spedi). 🙂 I know that most females/people find those shows stupid but it is so girly that I have to include it. But I still don’t wear make up and I hate shopping. I won’t partake in gossip.

I bet I would have more female acquaintances if they (as a group) were more into sports. I really don’t have much in common with most of the women at work. I don’t have kids which is pretty much a deal breaker…because everyone likes to talk about their kids. I don’t cook (for now). I don’t or will ever have a SO. I refuse to participate in gossip but I wouldn’t just get up and leave abruptly or make a self-righteous speech. I schedule everything around the sports schedule…which isn’t that hard for me anyway. I do follow politics and the news closely but I don’t want to get into that with acquaintances.

If I weren’t afraid of men, I would definitely have male friends. I have much more in common with them overall.

no sweet surrender

I am going to post pictures galore of my trip tomorrow. Well since this is an anonymous blog, there won’t be that many since I can’t most pics with me in them. Heh. I do have some I want to share. I don’t feel like getting them off my camera now and I want to rant anyway…

I was angry today when I found out my estranged dad (parents divorced when I was 11 – never really talked to him) is coming earlier than I thought. I have other things to do so now I have the clean a space for him. Without being too dramatic, everything is ruined. Ruined. Thanks. I hate being taken advantage of.

Maybe I’m not friendly because I don’t want friends? That seems so obvious. LOL. Genius! People who aren’t friendly, don’t want friends. That isn’t really true, of course. Some people are shy* etc. etc. But for me it’s like if I am friendly to someone than I have to do the social crap that I despise. And I don’t have the energy to even be what most people would want. I’m doing people a favor by not talking to them. I just wish they got it. Or knew…Hello? You aren’t missing out. I’m not that great. Get over me! 😉

*I’m shy, an introvert and a loner.

So I’m thinking of just being myself when my dad comes. I’m thinking about just being myself when my dad comes. I was that last time for the most part but sometimes I faked it. Not this time. I don’t enjoy humans in my space. At all. So BEWARE. I’m going to be ME.

Why don’t I have roommates? Because I wouldn’t do that to another human being. Having roommates/friends makes life easier. And I’m all about getting any edge I can get. I would love to save $$ on rent so I could save up for a trip to Central America.

I know I’m rambling. I know what I want to do with my life! I want to travel around Mexico and Central America. I want to take pictures, admire handmade crafts and visit the beaches. Work? What work?

This thing with my dad is pissing me off so much that a bank didn’t own “my house”, I would plan to be living in Panama in 3 years or less. Debt is slavery. Everything else I can see myself getting out of. Car? Sell it ASAP (if I were moving to another country that is). But this house…is such a nightmare. I’m stuck here. Even if the economy was normal, I would still owe a money to the bank if I could sell it. But that is the least of my problems. I’ll lose money. LOL. I don’t care about that.

This was supposed to be an angry rant but I took a nap and calmed down. Sorry.

On edit: Okay, my cat is bugging me. I’m ticked off again. Why don’t people get it? Everyone isn’t like you. There are people who LOVE living alone and the last thing they want is another human in their place. Alone does not = lonely. Study Buddhism. One of the things often said is that a person okay being alone is okay with him/herself. The people who constantly need someone??? Hmmmmmmmmmm….Anyhow, there are some people who really don’t desire companionship. Yes this is all targeted at the one person who will never read this.

I’m a social casualty

A week from today I will be at the beach at this time. The weather is nice today. But I want rain for my dirty car….but not next weekend.

I’ve decided I’m going to Panama. Which city? I have no idea. Going to Mexico would be easier but why not dream bigger? I ALWAYS settle. Eventually I want Mexico/Central America to be like a 2nd home to me. I will be fine if I never visit any other region of the world. I checked out two books travel books today: Mexico and Costa Rica. Heh. For some reason they don’t have a guide to Panama. There are plenty of books about the Panama Canal though. Thanks. Ha. Of course now I will want go to Mexico or Costa Rica first. It will probably be about cost at the end. I already found a decent sounding hotel in Oaxaca City, Mexico for under $50 a night. Only a ten minute walk to town. Hmmm.

Forget all the stuff above. This is the real shit. The WTF am I gonna do shit:

Due to the current economic state, our company is doing cross training. That isn’t always bad, right? In fact when it comes to most things I would welcome it. HOWEVER I DON’T DO PHONES! I’d rather do your windows. I was a back –up receptionist for one hour a day at one job. Being a receptionist is totally different from customer service. *Groan* I sucked at the receptionist job when people asked for random (?) things like directions. WTF? I didn’t even drive my car to work. I had rarely been on the highway at the time. I didn’t (and barely do now) know the difference between 65 and 95. I could only transfer calls.

I sucked at taking messages too. Buddha, have mercy on my poor soul.

Once again this would be funny if it didn’t involve my income. Do I have to say what happens if I suck at this?????????????? Do I have to explain that every single call is recorded? Blah. Blah. I have never done customer service on phones before.

I’m going to have to learn how to be fake (uh, wish me luck!). I need a filter. OMG. Jx was on the phone with a screaming teenager. She just listened. I would have wanted to say, “Do you feel better now?” ROFL. Who lets someone just yell at them? I’m pretty sure I won’t have the desire to yell back but I’m not going to listen to it. “Are you done honey?” See, I can fake it! 😉 No one wants this. If the normies* hate it, how do you think I feel? I’ll tell you. TERRIFIED.

*normal social people

I don’t even talk to humans so…….SCREAM. This entry is really TMI. But I had to get this out. I got to listen to two calls recently. DIES. I would not have known what to say. I don’t have conversations with people. Do they really think they are going to teach me that? Really? Well, I’m updating my résumé.

Here is how I would have handled one call I listened in on. I don’t work for a company that sells things but I’m trying to do my best at not revealing my where I work or the industry.

Customer: I’m at the cash register right now and I need ———- to pay for my stuff.

Me: You are calling me from the store? Right now? Um. Um. ::freaking out::

LOL. That probably doesn’t make sense. None of “our customers” would be in a store. But that is the best way to describe that call without revealing anything. Just hearing that made me shake. I don’t handle pressure well. I hope my anxiety prevents me from having any “are you serious??!” comments slip up. A lot of people are thinking it but they don’t SAY it. I need a filter.

“Thank you for calling ————“. Um, no. I’m shaking. My stomach is doing cartwheels. My mouth is dry. I would rather you do anything but call. Thank you.

My biggest fear is getting diarrhea. When I get extremely nervous/anxious that is what happens. Talk about TMI. But hmm, could I get a doctor’s note for that? We aren’t allowed to get up if we are on the phones so……..what would I do? I would hate having to explain that to anyone. I didn’t enjoy typing that.

That’s not my name

I never say anything. EVER. EVER. And to use Kelly’s words: it was creepy. I was listening to Jx talk on the phone. eavesdropping, bitches! I would never have said anything if she had not mentioned my name. She said my name. It was on!

Most people when they talk about me don’t even know my name. Which is fine. It’s what I like. I’d rather not be known at all.

Anyhow Jx was trashing others too, not just me. She exaggerated about me (won’t call it a lie but…). And she wondered how the hell I got hired. Well they all wonder that and me too sometimes. So no biggie. What kinda shocked me is what the other person on the line said. She doesn’t want to work with me. I can’t get into specifics for obvious reasons. But the feeling is mutual. I have nothing against her but the way she um, how can I say this without giving anything away? Um, the way she works doesn’t work for me.

But she’s fake nice enough. You know, normal. 😉


I’ve never said anything to them before because:

1.) I’m “shy”.
2.) I don’t have good communications skills aka don’t know what the fuck to say
3.) I hate confrontation..
4.) They have been pretty good in the past about never saying my name.

My therapist and even my boss (urgh!) have said, “why don’t you say something to them?” UM, hello. They never talk to me. Never directly say my name. So why would I say, STFU or something? I’m not going to butt into a convo but I will listen to you! LOL. Be careful when you talk about people.

So I basically said to her:

I’m not offended by anything you said but…I’m shy. Sometimes I have my earphones on and I can’t hear you. And if you ever have a problem with my work, please just tell me so I won’t make the mistake in the future. I want to fix it myself.

Keep in mind, my voice was shaking. I know she didn’t get the beginning beyond, “I’m not offended by anything you said.” She heard that. But after that I mumbled about shyness. I hate saying stuff like that. So it didn’t come out right. I wanted to say that I never ignored you. She knows I spoke to her when she spoke to me on several occasions. I do know that at least once she must have said something and I didn’t respond because she later gossiped about it. She wasn’t being malicious…

Back to my voice, it was shaking, then my eyes started to tear up like to do every time I say anything of substance. Or even if someone just compliments me. I don’t know how to control that. And that is the least of my problems. She did respond to the what I said about work. I finally stopped mumbling about personal/social shit and got down to business. That part was kinda professional. Except I ran off…I had already clocked out. (I came in late because of my mid term. See my previous entry). I want it to be only about work but in the world of office politics. Sigh.

I finally stood up to someone. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! It took about 3 decades! However…

There is a slight issue. I don’t care what people think about eavesdroppers. I hate tattle tales. Most people fall in one group. Or both. LOL. But I am a little concerned? I don’t know if that is the right word because she can stand on her own. She isn’t a timid person. She did say bad things about the boss and one other person. A part of me knows she is wondering, “Is she going to say anything to the boss?” She knows I won’t gossip to anyone in the office.

But she has to be wondering about me telling the boss. She said horrible things. I. am. not. exaggerating.

Of course I won’t say anything to my boss but it kinda confirms what I intuitively knew about her (my boss) but never wanted to admit it. I wanted to be naive and think she was nice. I’ve had nice bosses before so that is the norm for me (yes I know I’ve been very lucky …). And I shouldn’t say anymore. I’ll just say that Jx phone conversation confirmed by thoughts. I didn’t want to believe it because she was always fake nice (normal nice) to me. But now I get it.

More later.

prima donna

Heat wave on the east coast. I know it is incredibly ignorant* and politically incorrect to say this but ugh, I’m so sick of hearing about BP and the oil leak. I don’t even watch MSNBC anymore because that is all they talk about. Is there really that much NEW stuff that you have to talk about it constantly…or is there nothing else to talk about? I listen to NPR and they find other things (like the war) to talk about.

*to some

I just want my news back. There is nothing on TV without it…And recently I’ve been trying to escape a lot. No, I can’t get on the internet. Well I can barely get on. People in “third world” countries have better internet access than I do. I’m not complaining. I just wonder how many Americans know that the so-called “3rd world” is living better than some of us.

When HG saw my house. He said, “It looks like my house!” I saw pics of someone’s house from that country and yes, my house is no better than theirs. They probably have heat and AC in every room too…and I don’t. 😉 Third world country, my ass! I really don’t know what is considered 3rd world…to Americans, everything seems 2nd best. America is the best country ever!!!j!!!h!!

Why do I ever bother posting? I haven’t checked my stats in 3 months so I have no idea whether anyone comes.

I need a shirt that says, “It’s not about you.” Today I was unusually irritable. Lack of sleep, maybe? I dunno. But I was jumpy. Of course the coworkers noticed. What am I supposed to do? If there is one thing I know it is that it is NEVER ABOUT ME. It is people’s expectations, experiences, judgments etc.

It doesn’t make crap hurt any less. But I know it is more about the other person than me. So while I still feel inadequate about HG (house guest) for example, I know that he is bringing his own shit into my shit. And that is just a bunch of crap.

Sigh. That is why I only want to live with non-human mammals. But some of them are too much like children. My cat is like a two year old. My dog is more like a 5 year old. Dogs rule!

My mind is a mess. If I have to keep living this way, I’m going to be in a deep depression. Maybe that explains my irritability? Probably.

I was going to post about a book I’m reading. Maybe later. I’m taking one mid-term on Thursday morning. Hopefully around 7AM.

Tomorrow I get to listen to the World Cup at work. 9:30, right? woofreakinhoo.

I Told You So

If I were living with a SO, he/she would think I’m pissed off. I was pleasant and as friendly as I’ll ever be for the past week. But today the extreme introvert has taken over. I’m so tired. I want to sleep but I can’t for many reasons but the main one is HOUSE GUEST. I just want to come home to an empty house and do what I normally would do. I’ve crashed. I need my shell. As flawed as my shell is…I’m not talking.

Yeah, that is why I will never have a SO. Too much drama. I have enough going on without another human being in my face. That’s the spirit. Unless the person is a loner or extremely empathetic then he/she will think you are mad at them. I hate when people take your personality personally. Even I don’t do that. C’mon! I could give examples of how I thought someone was rude/mean to me and then I learned that is who they are SO I DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Apparently these rules, do not exist for loners. IT ISN’T ABOUT YOU.

Work was fine today. Rare statement. I tried not to get down even though I knew my hard work wouldn’t show because I’m working on a slow project. They have me doing it alone. That I do not understand. They could easily have one person doing the same thing I’m doing. Then I wouldn’t have to work on it every single day. I think they are doing it on purpose but it isn’t a sabotage even though sometimes I wonder. I also wonder if I’m being giving busy work (even though it has to be done) just to placate me. Last week I wondered why I was even there. I’m going to finish this shit so they have to give me something else.

Work was fine…only today. 🙂

I’m sick. So many different issues. I need to pick a doctor but my internet connection is crappy after all the rain we got so I’m going to call customer service and see if they will let me pick that way. I don’t like my choices but how am I supposed to know anyways??? (that’s what friends are for)….Maybe I should consider a male so I can have more options.

Going to bed early tonight…after doing homework.


And doesn’t that sound familiar? Doesn’t that hit too close to home?
Doesn’t that make you shiver; the way things could have gone?
And doesn’t it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?
Could you leave me with a scar?

-Missy Higgins

I’m depressed. At least I know why and it isn’t the restless/wtf is wrong with me depression. Both suck. I just like to have a reason. I still dream of death but I know I will keep moving (since my mom is alive).

I did get a lot accomplished at home today. Leaving work before 5 (or @ a lil after 6) makes a huge difference when it comes to traffic. I got home @ 5:15, drank some caffeine and got my clothing organized. yay! I just have to keep it up. I still need to throw more clothes away. But I always think, “hmmm, I could sleep in this”. I also finally put my cat food in the glass container. No more cat food bags sitting around. (exciting entry!) Now I need another glass container for the stray’s cat food. That’s another $15 but it must be done.

Work. They know I had an emotional breakdown on Friday. Everyone knows…even the lady who used to order Avon from me, no longer orders. (she does not work in my department). That is a little relief because I don’t have to buy brochures 2x a month. I will buy 1x a month & save $$ and trees. However, part of me is hurt and rejected. Just a little.

I’m so lost when it comes to people. That is probably where most of the depression is coming from. I don’t want to delve deep in my paper journal because I don’t wanna cry over this shit again.

I wanted to blog about how I know I’m fucked up. I’ve been studying Buddhism for 5+ years. Of course I know I played my part in all this. I would have to be delusional to think that I’m just being slammed for NO reason.

FEAR is the cause of 75% of the mess that is my life. Fear is translated into anger. Example: I’m scared of people. So every silent message I send is a ‘hate’ sign. (There is only love or hate). That is why I get into these situations. Karma.

Why am I working on my social anxiety? Because social anxiety is ALL FEAR ALL THE TIME. I also think I have some autistic issues.

My point is that I’m very aware of the cycle. My coworkers think I’m not. And how would they know? There is one huge thing that bugs me about them. They keep saying, “I could deal with this.” or some version of that. OF COURSE YOU COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don’t have:

  1. ZERO social support
  2. social anxiety
  3. depression (hopefully if they have it right now, they mask it well).

I could go on. But those are the major things…especially the first two. When you handle your problems all by yourselff because you have NO FRIENDS, call me back babe. Until then STFU about “I’ve dealt with stuff harder than this”.

please! the nerve…………

you blues

Hit the bottom and bounce back up.
The lowest low is only a beginning.
These are the words many people said to me.
But in a crowd you lose humanity.
Scared of the future that comes from the past.
When I think back I see that this could never last.

-you blues by Juliana Hatfield

I wanted to bitch and complain…and I just might. I wanted to talk about how my cat doesn’t get along with other cats and how I don’t judge her for it. Then I woke up, cleared my brain and I realized that my cat wasn’t a human being but still!

How about I just do the ending? Here goes:

When I have a bad experience around a group of people, I don’t want to be around them. Them = groups of people. This is why I’m never going to get a business off the ground because I’m always thinking, “I’m soooooo done with people.” Why would I want to go to a church filled with people after being around them for 40+ hours?? At this point I am still going to church in two weeks but I’m not looking forward to it. Cuz I’m done!

My life is a record on repeat. I’m sick of other people saying I don’t make them comfortable. ROFL. Welcome to my life. Sorry, you have to catch me on a good day for me to feel bad for you. Haha.

I have to go into my little story: I tried breathing and it backfired. Why can everyone else breathe but me? *whine* I just want to breathe! Why is everything I do misinterpreted? EVERYTHING! No, I will not try to make you feel comfortable by being, uh normal?? WTF is wrong with “them”? Do they seriously think I’m going out of my way to be ME? (tense, neurotic etc.)


Just let me breathe. Please. I’m done! DONE!


Tiger Woods & Buddhism: It was always said that Tiger had such good concentration because his father would throw chairs while he was playing golf. Now I’m wondering if he is/was just a really good at meditation. I’m selfishly glad that he mentioned that he moved away from Buddhism during the last few (uh-huh) years. Tiger is so private and a control freak (takes one to know one) that he will probably never mention this tidbit again. I’m just really curious…and jealous.

I rarely hear any Westerns say “I’m Buddhist.” I assume it is common in the East. Most Westerns say, “I’m studying Buddhism”, right? If I can achieve Buddhism, I can do anything!

Gotta go. My cat is getting impatient and I have to go to the library. Then pancakes! woohoo. 😉


I’m extremely loyal. Others are not.

It makes the ‘let down’ so much harder. I won’t be bitter or revengeful. I can’t worry about, “How stupid must they think I am?”

People aren’t my friends. No one is my friend. They will turn on me eventually.


ha. I need to have a quote about loyalty @ work so I can be reminded. I know how humans are.

happy offensive xmas 2 you

Reporting what happened at work is spreading negativity. That is not a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say. My biggest issue is, how do I ‘let go’ or ‘forgive’ when they continue to do things? It is not everyone. And some of them just laugh at stuff. Whatever. Today I was just in total disbelief that Deborah was acting the way she was on CHRISTmas (to her that is) Eve. Geez, can you ever just not do things out of spite?

I do not think I’m better than anyone. I think I’m no better than a homeless person. I may have just gotten lucky. Yes that is what separates me from anyone…LUCK of the draw or karma of past lives (if you believe in that which I’m not sure I do…lol). I could have been Donald Trump’s daughter or Obama’s. I could have been born to a mother in jail. I could have grown up in the foster child system (g-d bless them all). Etc.

With that being said…They got offended today by something I said when I was talking on the phone to my mom. It was (is) Christmas Eve. Half of the staff had gone home. I just wanted to get through the hour before my lunch break quickly plus I had to tell her I would be late. Anyways I called her. To make a long story short I said (paraphrasing) “When can I go to the grocery store? It’s going to be crowded. I need to go. Tomorrow is a holiday. Saturday (Dec 26) is when they are taking stuff back…” Then I just said “I’ll go next week”.

Well Holy FUCK. They got offended. LOL. My biggest issue is the story will get worst when they tell the other half of the coworkers who weren’t there. That is what happened last time. GOSSIP. See, that is why I don’t believe it. The story gets exaggerated. They may not do it on purpose but….who will hurt from it? ME. If the past predicts the future, Monday will be a bad day for me. 😦

No, I don’t like crowds. And going to a store when I know it is going to be crowded to me is just like walking around with a sign saying “I don’t value my time and I like discomfort”. It would be stupid FOR ME to go to a store when I know a crowd will be there. Just pure dumb. It adds 30 minutes on a grocery shopping trip. It would add more time if I had a shopping cart. (Hate those). Sorry I don’t enjoy shopping…unless it is a thrift or book store, I’m not going to spend time there. HELLO?

If these people read an Asperger’s message board like I do once a month, they would be so offended. Every time I go there, someone is mentioning how they have to avoid the crowds. Go to any message board and you will find one person there. It is just more prevalent on autism and social anxiety boards. This time of the year is the worst. Last time I checked the forum (around Dec 1) someone was saying how they were planning to avoid stores for the WHOLE MONTH OF DECEMBER.

Seriously who gets offended by that? Their BFF, Deborah hates Mexicans. She hates them and she doesn’t care what you think. Her words. So that is fine? But me not being a people person is NOT okay? The hypocrisy. LOL.

I’m so befuddled right now. I shouldn’t be blogging. These are the same people that wonder why I ‘don’t like people’. Um, maybe it is because they JUDGE me. And judge me incorrectly. Why are you listening to my phone call? And judging it?


Never go there with me. NEVER.

I also said, “I didn’t get Tracey* anything. She is so picky so…”.

How does that sound? Bad right especially IF YOU ARE JUDGING MY PHONE CONVO. 😉 But I was talking about my cat. lol. They have no idea. It didn’t occur to me until after wards how that probably sounded. For the record, I did brave a crowd and find my cat a gift. I gave it to her today and so far she is not impressed. She’ll warm up to it.

*Tracey is not her real name. I choose not to give out the name of innocent animals.

These people. OMG. Once I heard their judgmental sigh, I knew it was onnnnnnnnnnnnn. And I went to lunch to let them talk. And once I got back, I knew they talked. They let me know with their snide comments. “You can go to the grocery store on (this day), I won’t be there”. Mary, you asshole. No offense. This has nothing to do with you. If you were in the store with me and that’s it, that would be cool unless you tried to run me over with your shopping cart.

If anyone can tell me how me how not wanting to be in a crowded store is personally offensive to you, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

To piss off the ultra religious conservatives, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!111111!!!!!!!!!1111!


Those two last lines were meant for Deborah.

Why do I waste my time on these people. As Bridget Jones would say, “Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”