I’ve been trying to hide


Believe it or not, I still don’t have my board exam score. D had hers by now. There is a very slim chance I will get my score tomorrow. I hope so or I will have to wait until Monday. Whether I pass or fail impacts many things. Do I try to make it without a part-time job so I can study part-time for the retest in September? I already applied for one PT job. I haven’t heard back yet. It will be very hard to study while working TWO jobs. If I did pass, I will have other obstacles to face.

I am not ashamed to admit that I have checked for my score about 100 times a day online. I really need to know what to do next…

I just got back from the work party. OH MY! Where do I begin? It wasn’t a total disaster. Well it depends…I said about 25 words all night. Most people would consider that a #fail. But I thought I might not say anything. I am not going to another one of these. I only went because it was a party for a specific person. Please no one else retire. I will feel bad about not going. I’m definitely not going to a holiday party or just a gathering for no reason.

I’m sure there were some snarky moments. I don’t want to assume too much but I heard some things. You know how people are. But whatever. The moment with my manager was awkward. First I had no idea she was behind me. Then we couldn’t really talk because it was so loud at the time. We did say “hi”. I said “nice to meet you” but I’m not sure she even heard that. That was a fail.

I’m already insecure about my job. I don’t need things like this to make me feel more insecure. TWO long timers recently quit. (turnover is rare in my department) How many work at home people quit after working there for years? I know I am saying too much. My point is that I think those people left due to management changes. That is not good and has me worried.

In conclusion, I went to my first “party” and I didn’t die. I won’t be going back for more. And some people were really nice. Thank you 🙂 Most ignored me. Thanks to you too. 😉

(“party” in quotes because all I had to do was just enter the restaurant and sit down. It wasn’t like I had to walk around and mingle.)

Also I took 1 MG of Ativan before the party just to be able to stand it. I think it worked. I was able to “stand it”. A few times I did want to run out of the room but it wasn’t that bad.

Tried to hide it, fake it

All this horrible news today…

My mind should be on the big exam but all I can think of is the work party/gathering. In case a coworker is reading this entry, I’m only going because our manager threatened us. Remember? She threatened us about the Xmas party (that I didn’t go to). I feel like I have to go AND I haven’t met the new manager yet. That is the second reason I’m going.

I know they are going to question why I came. Who goes to a party and doesn’t talk? ACK! It isn’t going to be a typical party. I wouldn’t be going if it was. I would just wait until the next gathering. I have never been to a normal party. This is taking place at a restaurant. I assume we will be sitting most/all the time. GOD, this is going to be so awkward. Why am I going? But a restaurant gathering seems much easier than a regular party. No one can hit me with food.

I’m going to this “party” and then I’m not going anywhere for at least 6 months. That means no holiday gatherings for me. One and done? Probably…especially if it goes bad. I need to stop thinking about it. After the boards, I will have more time to worry/focus on it. lol.

I’m cramming for the boards but I’m also knitting  while watching TV to calm my nerves. How much studying can be done? I will study for an hour or two tonight.  I have panic attack nightmares about the boards. What if I have a panic attack? AHHH!  Overwhelm. Overwhelm. Next topic.

I really want/need to go to the dentist but I can’t afford it. I do have an okay dental plan. It isn’t as good as the one I used to have. Anyway, none of the dentists I can use are in my network. I need a dentist with anesthesia services (due to my severe anxiety). It would possibly cost me $1000? Ouch. I can’t do that. My plan will probably cover some of the cleaning but none of the anesthesia.

Another thing about the dentist is that I would need someone to drive me. WAHHHHHHHHHHH! Woe is me. It pays to have friends. So what do I do? I hate the rules but I get it. My mom doesn’t drive and she takes care of her mom so she can’t be the one. I was thinking of hiring someone on craigslist but HELL NO. I would feel so awkward with a stranger. Perhaps I could do a posting asking for a home health aide? They are used to working with strangers. Or maybe I can take a cab with my mom one day if she can find someone to take of her mom. Blah. It doesn’t matter now due to the cost.


still have social anxiety

well, well, well

Zoloft isn’t a magic drug! No shit. Seriously I want to use Avon to combat social anxiety. Guess what? I’m hitting walls at every turn. Doing a fundraiser is harder than I thought. I really, really, want to do a Xmas party in the beginning of December.

::hyperventilating as I type this::


I’m sorry, I’m not happy to be alive. I would trade my life for a dead stranger if it were possible. The chain of social anxiety is just too much…and I’m an introvert!

NO I refuse this life b/c this isn’t living. I’m 80% dead. (down from 90% – thanks Zoloft).