Brand new day

OB/GYN: So what’s the story? Were you abused? Never had sex?

Me: I’m a virgin.

The way she said “were you abused?” was so casual. Too casual. I like her. I recommended her to another person. But I thought that question was weird. Anyway, then she told me I should take a Xanax to relax. LOL. I’ve tried that prior to dentist appointments (doesn’t work) and the GYN. I did take a Klonopin, but I only took one. I should have probably taken two.

This was the best pap smear I’ve ever had!! 🙂  This was only my 3rd one. She could tell she wouldn’t be able to get the speculum in the right way because I was squirming etc., so she just used her hand which is not the best way to do it but according to her, “it was better than nothing.” I wanted to hug her. I was so excited on my way to the car. I didn’t have to have that damn speculum all the way inside of me!

THANK YOU! It was still slightly painful. But it was more uncomfortable than painful. I also took two Advil before the appointment. I’m sure that helped a little. I don’t have to get a pap smear next year, but if I’m still on birth control, I will need one in 2020. I’m already dreading I will have a different doctor or nurse, and she won’t just use her hand. I might be off BC by then. If that is the case, I probably won’t go again until 2022 or something like that. 😉

Right before my appointment, she had to check on a baby she just delivered, and I thought I was going to have to see a nurse practitioner. Luckily, the baby was just “misbehaving” (their words, not mine). If I saw the nurse, I probably wouldn’t have the best pap smear ever.

Another good thing is that I don’t have to get a mammogram this year. I was shocked she didn’t find anything. Every time I go to the OB/GYN, they find something. YAY. Strange, but I’ll take it.

My birthday was okay. We (my mom, dog, and I)  went to a new park. We walked about two miles on a trail before it started raining. I’m only bummed we didn’t get to see the pretty part of the park (the grassy part – lol). The good thing is that due to disorganization I didn’t miss one second of training. Training started today on the new part.

I don’t usually do what I got on my birthday posts but this year was pretty exciting for me. I got $35 in Amazon gift cards (yes!!) and $50 from my dad. I also got a Tarot deck and guidebook. I’m thinking about using those for my YouTube videos, but I’m not sure. The cards are mostly black and white, and I’m not sure how they would be in videos. Too plain?  I also got an essential oil diffuser. I LOVE it. I’m using it right now. I have peppermint oil in it. That is supposed to keep me alert. The essentials oils also make the house smell like the oil which is an added benefit, but not why I use them.

Amazon has nicely priced essential oils. So I’m not planning on buying the expensive ones. Plus, I can’t take strong smells. My throat gets sore, and sometimes I start sneezing so the oils I do have should last for a while.

Ick. I think I poured too much peppermint oil in this evening. Too strong. My throat feels funny, and I have a slight headache. I’ve learned my lesson.

I want to give a shout out to YouTuber Stacey Flowers. I recently discovered her. Funny how she showed up in my recommendations when I’m doing a lot of cutting of things to save money. And no, I don’t look at budgeting videos on YouTube. I usually avoid them.  Anyhow, she is inspiring me. Too bad she is eating like a vegetarian (but she is NOT one), and she cooks. She only spends $50 a month on her grocery bill. Well, I don’t cook, and I eat meat, so she’s not helping me much there. However, I’m still inspired to spend less on groceries. I also like that she tithes even though she doesn’t make a lot. I’m not giving 10% of my income to a charity. BUT I am giving $10 to a cause I care deeply about this month.

The charity I’m giving to this month is The Innocence Project. I care about mass incarceration deeply. So of course, I care about innocent people being in jail. That makes me angry. I’m going to put my money where my anger is. Not to go on a tangent, but this is one of the reasons why I have a problem with the death penalty – WHAT IF THEY ARE INNOCENT? Look at the stats! Pay attention.  I also give to WWF  (World Wildlife Fund) every time I buy from Amazon. I have people covered and animals covered. WWF also helps the environment. I also like giving to St. Jude. Okay, I won’t list every charity I love.

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8 most listened to): Janelle Monae, Rachel Sage, Camilla Cabello, Lissie, Carrie Underwood, Kacey Musgraves, Backstreet Boys, Justin Timberlake

TV of the week: NBA playoffs, Survivor, Grey’s Anatomy

Movie of the week:  Trying to get to The Diary of Imaculee this weekend. I read her book years ago. It was my #1 book of the year. Can’t wait to see this movie.

Podcasts of the week:  Why is This Happening?, Tarot for the Wild Soul, The Lowe Post

I’m in love with Tarot for the Wild Soul. I just discovered it. Now I want to listen to every episode.

Books of the week: I finished reading This is Me: Loving the Person You are Today by Chrissy Metz. Not groundbreaking, but a decent memoir. 4 stars. I’m surprised people rave about it so much. Quick read. I love Chrissy. I just expected something more.

Now reading –

The Hate U Give is a library book.  It’s over 400 pages. I don’t think I’m going to get it read by the due date. 😦 UGH.  I’m only 23% through. There’s a long wait list for this book. It would probably take 6 months for me to get it again.  It’s good so far.

UPDATE: I have 3 library cards for 3 different counties/cities. (of course) The Hate U Give expired last night from the county. So I went to the city library website just to get on a waitlist. Uh, it was available!!! WHAT? YAY. JACKPOT. 🙂 I totally mean to yell.

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: Working, going to the park (if it doesn’t rain), studying for my tarot class, reading, and grocery shopping. Nothing unusual. My dad is coming back to the States on Tuesday. No comment. I should be doing 10 different things this evening, but I’m going to try to read The Hate U Give so I can finish it in time. No park today because it’s raining. Will it ever stop raining? Blah.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend! 🙂

Bonus points for being a virgin

Good news first:

  • My engine light is now off.
  • I didn’t have to get a pap smear today. I did get my Depo injection.
  • I have A Course in Miracles in my possession (from the library).
  • I walked over 4 miles today with no foot pain.

Bad news:

  • My car cost me $421. I kid you not. FUCK. Holy credit card debt.
  • My period has lasted for 21+ days.
  • I have to get another mamogram. I’m not even of age to have to get one, but I have to get another.
  • My iron levels are really low so I have to go back to my PCP to get my iron tested. Another appointment.

I didn’t have to get a pap smear because I’m a virgin!! HOLLA! The nurse practitioner agreed with this. I’ve been saying this forever. Thank god I saw the NP today. My OB/GYN probably would have gone on and done it despite knowing that I’m a virgin. I don’t need annual pap smears. Best news ever.

I was like, “Yo, I’ve never had sex”. All loud and proud! 🙂 Anything to get out of the pap smear. The NP was not taken aback, but the nurse seemed to be. lol.

The nurse and nurse practitioner insisted that after this injection my period should be lighter. Yeah, I’m counting on that. 😉 I hope it is true. For some reason, this injection hurt a little. Last time I felt nothing.

I’m bummed about my period because I don’t want to go to yoga with my period. I refuse. I was going to call this Thursday to register for a class on Saturday. Now I’m not so sure.

I’ll leave it here for now.

There’s a little black hole in my golden cup


I could kill the PCP I saw 5 years ago. I’m not sexually active. So why am I getting painful pap smears? THAT’S BULLSHIT. I may never get another one. Why should I? Chances of me getting cervical cancer are extremely low. Yes, it can happen but I’ll take that chance. OMG. I can’t believe I subjected myself to that last week when I didn’t have to…Okay, I’m slightly thankful because she found the lumps in my breasts*.

*I don’t do my own breast exams because I’m scared and I’m a slight hypochondriac. I would feel something there even if it weren’t there. So it isn’t best for me to examine myself.  I thought I had HIV for years when I was a kid.

That PCP could’ve told me that I didn’t have to get regular pap tests. That is why I changed PCPs, btw. I was going in for a regular checkup and she ended up doing the most painful pap test. It was not good.

Anyway…no more OB/GYN visits for me. I will get mammograms…if I must. sigh. I doubt I do them annually, but I will probably go. But no more pap smears. Nah. Don’t need them. Celebrate good times! Who knew there were upsides to being a virgin? That is the BEST thing about it. Score one point for me. Ugh, I can’t believe no one told me this fantastic news.

I guess I should add that a pap smear isn’t painful to non-virgins. It is apparently just ‘uncomfortable’. So carry on.


I scheduled the ultrasound and mammogram for Monday. She would have laughed at me if I suggested October 7th. She didn’t want to give me a date 2 weeks out. Due to the breast pain, I do feel I have cancer. But I won’t know until next week. My main concerns involve chemo. Can I drive myself? My mom doesn’t drive. I don’t have friends. How would I get there? Could I still live alone? (I wouldn’t be able to afford it with a pay cut of any kind).

I know this is nuts, but I want to learn about all the alternatives to chemo. Can I do natural treatments with the chemo? I’m 5 minutes away from loading up my Amazon wishlist with books about cancer. Like I said, all of this would be moot if the cancer is incurable. I’m just assuming it is. If it isn’t. I travel. I have fun until I die.

I’m already obsessed and I haven’t even been diagnosed with anything! AHHHHH!

I’m not telling anyone I think it’s cancer. What’s the point? They don’t know about the pain. The pain is right where the masses are. One reason not to tell people after a diagnosis is because they will have an opinion on treatment. What if I don’t want treatment? I will definitely think long and hard about it.

If it sounds like I’m being blase about it, I’m not. My uncle died from colon cancer. He went through chemo. I saw him weeks before he died. I get it.

Gotta go. Today is gonna be a loooong day.

The Root

Said, I went, said I went, said I went to the doctor
The man told me there ain’t nothin’ wrong with me
But I beg to differ, I been feelin’ this pain
For much too long, oh, yeah

You can swallow pills? Wahfuckinghoo! You can probably talk too. WOW. I guess that means everybody should be able to do it.

Really? People are so annoying. But great for you to be able to do those things. I’m happy for you. 😉 Sorry but that “just swallow it” BS really pisses me off. And I’m (clinically) depressed. I don’t speak for all depressed people but I prefer not being around people so please just let me be. That is all. I’m not trying to mean or rude. But you can interpret it that way and most people will. And I don’t care. I’m just trying to survive at the moment.

The move didn’t work out. Shocking. I really don’t care. No one is going to buy the house without me getting approved for a short sell anyway so there’s no rush. But I hope I can move everything out within a month. Blah.

I went to the doctor. She rocks!! I never thought I would have a good thing to say about a general practitioner but she is so great. I even love the office. Great location etc. Why do I love her so? She didn’t make me get a pap smear. I love her!!!!! Although it might have been because I lied and said that I went to my ex-PCP 2 years ago. In reality it was 3 years ago. Did that make a difference? I don’t know. She asked me if I had a OB/GYN and I said no. I’ve never had one. So…I don’t know. I’m just relieved I was able to escape that.

I was also able to escape the tongue depressor! SCORE. I told you she was great. I almost got sick thinking about it. I woke up so early worried about the tongue depressor of all things. I couldn’t get back to sleep.

I was supposed to have an ultrasound but of course, the one person they have to do it was on vacation so I have to go back next week. Sigh. I really wanted to get this over with because I can’t take any real time off from work for the next THREE MONTHS. So hopefully I will be able to schedule it after work. Anyhow the ultrasound is for my gallbladder. With the pain I’m feeling and the nausea, I believe it could be that.

But if it isn’t that…then she said it might be an ulcer. (Is she reading my blog or what?) Then I would have to go to a specialist for that. I just want it to be the thing least painful to treat. I don’t care which one it is. Ulcer or gallbladder. I’ll take the no pain option. Thank you.  If the nausea weren’t taking over my life, I wouldn’t have gone to the doctor in the first place. Generally I don’t do doctors.

She did prescribe an OTC medicine. The problem is that I forgot to mention that I can’t swallow pills. (Yes I have tried everything). I just thought I would be able to crush the pills like I do with my other medicine but it says not to on the bottle. And I’m scared that it will mess up my throat. The last thing a person with gag/nausea issues need is a throat problem. So I’m not taking the medicine. Maybe when I get my blood work back or get the ultrasound, I will see her again and tell her. I hope she gets it and doesn’t start telling me ways to swallow medicine. I KNOW. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. geez. This isn’t some new problem.

But she is awesome until she mentions a pap smear so I’m sure she will get it. She doesn’t really believe the OTC medicine will work anyway. It is just a “try it” sort of thing.

Edited to add: UGH, I’m feeling sick again. 😦 Unfortunately I HAVE TO go into the office tomorrow. I need the ultrasound STAT.


Wow, I sent a tweet to one of my favorite singers (Jennifer Peña) – about how her music saved my life. She responded!!! Unfortunately I led her to believe I could understand Spanish by tweeting to her in Spanglish. LOL. She responded in Spanish so I don’t know if I’m interpreting her response correctly. I think she basically said she appreciated the truth (?). The power of Twitter. I really wanted to thank her and let her know how much her music means to me and I finally got the chance. 🙂 The power of music. I could really feel the pain she must have been going through when she wrote those songs.

Her album came out during a very dark time in my life. I was between living places. I couldn’t stand the noise of the apartment among other things so I was occasionally sleeping in hotels (when not in my car). I would listen to her album on repeat. It got me through buying my house.

Music is my life. Music is my savior. In music I trust.

Thanks Jen! 🙂 🙂 🙂


School work for the rest of the day.

almost 30

Nurse on phone: Have you had a pap smear or mammogram?

Me: NO

Nurse: Have you had a mammogram?

Me: NO

Nurse: (baffled) Have you had a pap smear?

Me: NO

I’m only turning 30 on Sunday. Am I really supposed to have already had a mammogram? Seriously? I know the doctors or someone said recently to wait until 40 unless you have a history. That caused a storm. So I guess it is 30? wah. When I first heard about them I knew I wouldn’t do it until 40 and um, that plan is still intact. This is another reason NOT to go to a doctor. Will she force me to take a mammogram? ::sigh:: I know I can’t be forced. Anyway, I don’t even have a doctor. I’m picking one tonight. Because the nurse is going to call me back in 30 days and I want to at least have that done.

Do I have to have a pap smear? Is that checking for cervical cancer? (I’ll google it) later. OMG. No gynecologist. When I was younger (in my teens) I think I planned to see a gyn in my 30s. hmm, maybe not.

Now do you see why I will never PHYSICALLY have a kid??? Never. My breasts are too small and I don’t care if people says it doesn’t hurt. I don’t want it done to me. Should I value my life more? Maybe. But I am going to school this summer and doing “stuff”……I just don’t want to know if I have cancer. I’d rather die. It’s like the people who smoke and say they would rather die happy. Except there isn’t a happy but youknowwhatimean.


I’m putting myself on a strict diet and budget cleanse. I don’t know if it is smart to do while traveling but I got some  Skechers shape-ups! Not for exercise. It is the only way I think I’ll be able to walk in NYC. We will be walking EVERYWHERE. No buses or subways. If I were there for a week, I would figure out the subway system. :/ I’m anxious about this. I used to get pain in my feet all the time when I was younger. It probably started at 12 or so. Then two years ago, I went to DC…horrible pain. I almost could not make it.  I probably had walked 3 miles when the pain started and then it continuously gets worse. I know I can walk a mile, probably two but after that my ankle joints (or whatever I have) goes nuts.

So I spent $100 on shape-ups. Guess who won’t be spending money in Manhattan? I ordered them and just got them after work. I’m leaving Sunday at 7AM. That is probably not enough time to wear in shape ups. Some people are lucky and they can wear them with no problems. I already feel my legs hurting. So my plan is to wear them Thursday – Saturday. That probably isn’t enough time but what else can I do? Plus I have a sedentary job, so it isn’t like I will be walking a lot at work but I do always take the stairs and I will walk during my lunch break etc.

I decided to risk it because people with flat feet and ankle pain gave it rave reviews. And I brought a half size up like most recommended. They fit and are comfortable but I haven’t really walked in them yet.

I’m only going on a diet/cleanse because I ate way too much today. I came home and watched “Slumdog Millionaire” and actually binged! Bad girl. I ate pizza…of all things. My digestive system doesn’t like pizza. So no more snacks or bad food. And plenty of walking. For some reason when I feel like I’m getting sick (a cold), I tend to eat a lot. As if that works on holding back the cold. It doesn’t! Cold-eeze works but I don’t have any.

I have to search for a doctor. The only requirements are close to home, female & taking new patients. I hope that is easy enough. I didn’t say I was going…………….