Be careful what you wish for

My god! I feel great…when compared to how I felt all day on Wednesday and Thursday until 3 PM So much pain. I have never felt cramps like this before. The kind that is constant and reaches down to my leg. I could barely work. In fact, I could only do the easy stuff. My brain was just focused on the pain. My productivity suffered. I wanted to call in sick, but I never do that. I need all the help I can get.

I’m still in pain. I used Instacart and got some groceries delivered. Thank God for them and Amazon Prime Now. I ordered children’s liquid Advil (can’t swallow pills). I also bought some heating pads. I hope this pain doesn’t last for weeks. I know Depo-Provera is the cause of this, so I’m thinking of the worst case scenario.

Off topic: I also ordered gluten free tortillas. The verdict is still out on those since I haven’t tried them. I will probably fix tacos this weekend and I’ll review them.

I was supposed to mow the lawn on Wednesday. I could barely keep still to sit at my computer to work, so that didn’t happen. 😦 I really wanted to mow the lawn while it was somewhat cool (mid-eighties). It will probably go back to being hot soon. Blah.

OOH! I just saw on the news that Monday will be 82 degrees! That sounds like mowing the lawn weather to me. That’s the plan. I hope I’m still not in pain. I bought a lot of medicine, but I don’t know how long it will last if I have to constantly take it.

I had planned to exercise every day this week. I got on my treadmill on Monday. On Tuesday, I did a 15-minute exercise video. The video involves weights and cardio, and I love it. Even though the pain has lessened, I’m scared to exercise. What if the pain comes back full blast? I’m not doing anything until the cramping stops (except mowing the lawn).

I was going to blog about all this other stuff, and all I’m talking about is my pain. Typical, right? Let me do a brief synopsis on what I wanted to mention in this post, before pain fest.

I think Trump tweeting about transgenders in the military wasn’t just for distraction purposes. I think he desperately wanted a WIN with conservatives and he got it. Groups praised him. The end. Oh, it and sucks for people to be kicked out of the armed forces. That affects so many people (not just transgender folks). It hasn’t happened yet, but I think it will in the future.

Melissa Harris Perry wrote an article on “self-care” and what a bunch of BS it is. LOL. I don’t do “self-care”. Well, of course, I do! Almost everyone does. Taking a long bath is self-care. Reading a book, taking a walk, meditating, praying, etc. is self-care. I respect Melissa Harris Perry. But she’s wrong about this. She couldn’t be a good mom to two kids if she didn’t practice self-care.

I don’t call what I do self-care because I was doing it before people started calling it that. But the main things I do these days are napping after work, listening to music daily, and reading on most days. I would yell at my dog a LOT more if I didn’t do these things on a daily basis. 😉

Job(s) update: It’s still very quiet. I haven’t been focusing on it because of the cramping. No word on the PT job or the FT job. I think the PT job will probably start back up next week. Management can’t control when the work comes in. I have a meeting with my manager on Monday at my current FT job. I’m a little nervous about that.

This week I…

Music of the week: Linkin Park, Lana Del Rey, Kelly Clarkson, Lorde, Leona Lewis, Jasmine Thompson, Halsey, Mary J. Blige

Loving the Lana Del Rey. Still loving Lorde. Jillette Johnson’s album comes out tomorrow. Finally! I have been waiting YEARS for this.

TV of the week: Big Brother, Empire

I was going to write about Empire. I’m watching the first season (!!) for the first time. But this entry is already so long. I might get to it later.

Movie of the week: None

Books of the week: I finished reading Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy By Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. I gave it 4 stars on Goodreads. I think it is a good book for people dealing with grief. I just read it out of curiosity. I didn’t read Sandberg’s book Lean In because it didn’t seem like it was written for me. I don’t want to Lean In. lol. But I might give the book a chance.

I also finished reading Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxane Gay. WOW! I wish more people would write while trying to figure stuff out. I don’t like all the books with “I went through that, and now I’m fine.” Um, boring. I could relate to this book so much. Her life is my life. I will probably read this book again. I need to buy it.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Erin Condren


Plans for the Weekend: I’m going to my mom’s house to pick up a package.
Other than that, I hope to relax, do a little “self-care.” haha. NOT. I will be reading and doing an online course from Iyanla Vanzant. I’m not sure how I feel about the course so far. I hope I like it since I paid for it (got early bird pricing).

Well, this entry is so long. I better go. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. 🙂 Have a nice weekend!

I tapped my pain away


73 days until my birthday vacay

106 days until my certification exam

And on the 12th day, I started spotting (just a little). Why did I want to put a TMI alert on this? My whole blog is TMI!  I knew being on Depo-Provera, for just a few weeks would not completely stop my period. It just changed it. Oh well. Hopefully, soon I won’t have a period. That’s the whole point. If I still have a period after a year of injections, I’m done with Depo. I don’t want to give it a whole year, but I feel like I should base on what I’ve read.

I’ve been tapping off and on for years on EMOTIONAL issues. It worked most of the time (temporarily since I didn’t do it consistently). It always relaxed me. But the mouth/tooth pain is back 😦 I’ve been in a little pain. So I decided to try to tap on the pain since so many people swear it works. Well, I can say that it worked for me!!! I’m not kidding.

I took Anbesol for my tooth pain. It didn’t work. That’s strange because it did work last time I took it.  I kept working, and I thought I’ll figure something out when I get off.  I was going to just try more Anbesol, but I decided to try tapping first. My pain was at a seven before I tapped. (10 being the worst pain). I tried tapping with three different videos because I had never tapped on physical pain, so I wanted to try different people.

But one video worked more than the others. I’d never heard of this woman before. Her name is Dr. Kim D’Eramo. She’s awesome. 🙂 On Wednesday, I  tapped with her and got my pain down to a 3 or 4, and on Thursday I got my pain down to a zero or 1. (!!!!) I’m not kidding. I have nothing to gain by lying about this. Anyway, here is the video that worked for me:

Skip to around the 5-minute mark if you are already familiar with tapping. Instead of repeating what she said, I was very specific. For example, I said “the pain in my mouth” instead of the general things she said.

I’m in awe that it worked. Now I’m a firm believer in tapping. I will tap on any and everything. Thank you, Universe! I could go on and on about tapping since I rarely blog about it. But I’ll stop for now.  IT WORKED. Hallelujah!

This week I…

Music of the week:  Ryan Adams, Grace, Ed Sheeran, John Mayer, BROODS, Miranda Lambert, Snatam Kaur, Nirinjan Kaur Khalsa

TV of the week:  basketball, My 600-lb Life

I feel guilty for liking My 600-lb Life since the subjects are miserable, but most people make positive changes. I hate seeing this show trend on Twitter. It’s always people saying things like, “How can you let yourself get this big?” or about how disgusting these people are. Very mature. Have these people ever heard of food addiction? Apparently not or they just don’t care. I don’t read the comments anymore.

Back to the show: The one thing I can’t get over is how a lot of these people on the show never had therapy. HELLO? How come doctors don’t recommend they get therapy immediately? Obviously, these people have an issue with food. It is like some of them aren’t even aware they really are addicted to food. And I guess that is the real problem. Can’t solve what you don’t acknowledge. I think I read 1/3 of Americans have a food problem. It’s either addiction or restricting food. That is why so many people are overweight.

Movie of the week: I’m in the middle of OJ: Made in America. This documentary is so good! It’s brilliant. I would definitely recommend it. Parts of it are very hard to watch. I feel bad for Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. Ron was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And poor Nicole. She was battered by this guy for years! What a sad ending. She knew he would eventually kill her. I’m sure I’ll have more to say when I finish the movie.

I’m just glad OJ had a miserable life afterward. A person can’t kill someone, get away with it, and then have a great life. It’s called KARMA.

Books of the week: I finished reading Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything by Geneen Roth. I gave this book 4 stars. It’s a good introduction to Geneen Roth and food issues. I have another book of hers I plan to start soon that will probably be better.

Now reading:

Planner update: Plans in my Erin Condren planner:


Plans for the Weekend: Grocery shopping, studying, dropping books off at the library, reading, blah, blah, blah. Nothing too exciting. I think I’m going to wait until next week to mow my lawn. I’m trying to delay it for as long as possible.

Have a great weekend and thanks for reading! 🙂


Sex Object

My interview is supposed to take place tomorrow, but I’m not sure it is. She emailed me and took off for the holiday weekend. How strange. So I have no confirmation and no idea whether I’m having my interview and I’m not clear on the time.

But this isn’t why I’m posting today. I wanted to share this quote:

But no one wants to listen to our sad stories unless they are smoothed over with a joke or nice melody. And even then, not always. No one wants to hear a woman talking or writing about pain in a way that suggests that it doesn’t end. Without a pat solution, silver lining, or happy ending we’re just complainers – downers who don’t realize how good we actually have it.

…So while my refusal to keep laughing or making you comfortable may seem like a real fucking downer, the truth is that this is what optimism looks like. Naming what is happening to us, telling the truth about it – as ugly and uncomfortable as it can be – means that we want it to change. That we know it is not inevitable.

-Jessica Valenti

I know a lot of people who think this way. I hear it all the time. I love the line about “making you comfortable”. FUCK THAT. Why must we do that? I don’t have to and I won’t.

I’m reading Jessica Valenti’s Sex Object. Obvs. I had to stop at that quote to post it.

I just printed out my notes for the interview. I have a lot covered, but not everything. I just want to know when the interview will take place.

I don’t know how I feel about it. I think they might think I have more experience than I actually do. That is not good. And the references are also an issue. So this is definitely far, far, from a sure thing. But I would love a chance to have a work at home job that pays more then I’m making now. Some people doing this get paid $60,000 a year. Of course, that won’t be me. I wish! Not that money is everything. I would rather have a job I like than making big bucks doing something I hated. But if I could get my foot in the door, that could be me.And I think I might like it.

::crossing fingers::


Little more personal (raw)

(I guess I have to preface this entry even though I don’t think anyone is reading. Um, if you are a normal person –lol- you will be fine. Seriously, I won’t put the P word in the tags so people won’t find it that way.)

OMG. Someone is going to get it for not telling me how much a pap fucking smear hurts! If I would have known that was going to happen (the test), I would never have gone to the doctor in the first place. And if I had to go to the doctor for some reason, I would have had stomach problems all day. ANXIETY. Serious stomach problems. I would not have slept at all.

No, I’m not having sex with a guy. C’mon! And the only woman I wish I could fuck (hah) is currently incarcerated. But she will get out and she will show all of you! I’m asexual, bitches.

(Yes Lindsay. Ignore the cigarette and lighter and admire that picture for its art. I love black and white photos. And look how they perfectly capture her wanting to escape being photographed. Ah, a lovely photo. My attraction to her is off and on. But she’s still the only one though…).

For the record, I’m still hurting right now. But don’t worry you social/sexual human beings or I should say just women. I’m pretty sure it won’t hurt you as much. FUCK.

Yes I cried. Not over Lindsay but the damn fucking pain.

No I don’t know when I’m supposed to get a pap. No I don’t know when my last period was. No I don’t know what size clothing I wear. When you are dealing with heavy mental shit, crap like that sorta falls by the wayside.

Seriously if I were having sex with a female, would I have to get a pap yearly?? My doctor who I actually liked (FWIW ) said I only “have to” get one once every 3 years. Uh-huh. That’s a great reason not to have sex. LOL. STDs is reason enough for me. And the grossness. Etc.

And another question: If they do pap smears in a regular doctor’s office, then what the fuck do OB-GYNs do? (Besides maternity stuff). I’m clueless. I know about Zoloft not this stuff.

Anyway, other than that shit, I think it went okay. My blood pressure is great. She said I was too thin but I gained 3 pounds in 2 months! I know why. Because when my dad was here for a month, I mostly ate processed food and some fast food.

She ran some tests. I really wanted to know if I have anemia and I have no idea if she tested for test. She said thyroid test (?) which may cover anemia. Once I told her my cat had anemia, I thought for sure she would draw my blood. No, I didn’t tell her about my cat’s condition but I do think we have it.

I’m definitely not going to the dentist after this experience unless I can be put under in a non-threatening way. I have no idea how anesthesia works at a dental office. I know they rarely use it but I would not consider going to someone who wouldn’t consider that an option.

Oh well. I have a lot of work to do. I’m sure Lindsay is doing fine.