All you had to do was stay

So much going on. Some of this overwhelm is my fault. My free email course starts tomorrow. I have four out of five lessons done. Do I have to finish lesson five today? Nope. But I’m putting all this pressure on myself to get it done today. Sigh. And then what if it sucks? There’s always that fear. Btw, 16 people signed up for my email course. That’s not bad considering I’m not known. I rarely post videos on social media which is what sells these days. So I’m okay with that number.

Then someone -the first person ever- signed up for my Patreon! She signed up for the $11  level. That would normally be great news, but I was about to stop my Patreon or revamp it. I still haven’t fulfilled her request. I did email her, and she gave me her info, but I haven’t even started her stuff. Double sigh. I’m going to do one of her things today.

I’m looking forward to the 3-hour live astrology class because I won’t have to think about anything else. I’ll be on camera (via zoom), and I have to look like I’m paying attention. 😉

Then the worse thing. I had to set a boundary, and I feel like CRAP about it. But I had to. If only she would have stopped what she was doing and tell the truth about it. I hate when people lie. That’s been established. However, in this case, the biggest issue is that she wouldn’t stop what she was doing. I feel bad. 😦 I hate setting boundaries. Hate it. Oh well.

For all these reasons, my stomach hurts, and I feel sick. I don’t even want to eat breakfast. But I’m going to stop blogging and eat.

My ex-landlord hasn’t contacted me. I did contact a lawyer. Guess what? She only does divorce and child custody. Bummer. Supposedly she was affordable for a lawyer. I’m sick of searching for lawyers, so I’m just going to wait and see if the landlord contacts me again.

Election 2020: The debate is Thursday. Wow. I had no idea it was so soon until two days ago. I expect it to be interesting, so I’ll watch the whole thing even though that means missing Big Brother on Thursday. Ack! I think Elizabeth Warren can win the primary. I don’t know. The Dems are so scared. They might equate her with Hillary because she’s a female. Sad, but true. No one is Hilary because no one has her background. She was the First Lady. She’s been well known since the 90s, and a lot of people didn’t like her. She never opened up, and she wasn’t open to the media.

Needless to say, Warren isn’t Clinton, but don’t tell Americans that. I still think if Kamala were herself, she’d be doing so much better.

CORRECTION: The stat I said last week about black transgender women living until 35 might not be accurate. No one is keeping stats on all the transgender women. So it’s impossible to know.

This week I…

Music of the week: Lana Del Rey, Tori Kelly, The Highwomen, Taylor Swift, Lauren Daigle, MaMuse, Coldplay, Keyshia Cole

TV of the week: Big Brother, 13 Reasons Why

Podcasts of the week: Crime Junkie, All In with Chris Hayes, Hardball, Hell and Gone, Online Marketing Made Easy, Pod Save America, The Jim Fortin Podcast, The Kate & Mike Show, True Crime Garage

Books of the week: Currently reading –

Weekend Plans: The weekend is almost over. I mostly worked on creating my email course. I’m off on Friday the 13th. Now I wish I had this Monday off. I went to two museums yesterday. Beautiful grounds. Dogs are allowed on the outside. I might take my dog there before it gets cold. I will probably share pics from the museum on this blog one day. Anyhow, I have tons to do today. Gotta go.

Thanks so much for reading! Have an excellent weekend. 🙂

My sex drive…outrageous

Yesterday I kind of wanted to die. I was overwhelmed. Work sucks. Work sucks. Works sucks. I asked for this upcoming Friday off because I need a break. I wanted Monday off but I didn’t want to pressure my boss into approving it on short notice.

Anyway, I’m feeling much better now. I have decided to take a week off from my “business” or should I call it a “side hustle” as everyone else does. Not posting on Instagram will mess me up as far as the algorithm. But I don’t care. After a week, I will probably go back to it and maybe consider it a hobby. Not sure. I love tarot and astrology, so I’m okay with it being just a hobby as long as I’m not investing too much time or money. That’s the problem.

I MADE AN 85 on my final exam astrology paper!!!!!!!!!!111!!!! Woohoo! I was just trying to get a 70. They grade hard, so I didn’t know what to expect. I still don’t have my final grade for the class, but I think I passed. It doesn’t matter. I’m not getting a certificate or a degree there. So whatevs.

NEWSFLASH: I am doing monthly horoscopes for another site. They reached out to me. Someone thinks I’m okay. lol. However, I won’t get a link back to my site. It is good experience. I’ve never done horoscopes before. I’ve done 6 so far. It’s interesting. I’m still a beginner when it comes to astrology, so I’m pretty sure what I’m doing isn’t that great. I can’t imagine doing daily horoscopes. Haha. No way. I would have to be paid for that.

If I ever stop posting my horoscopes on their site, I’m going to post them on my Patreon or my website. Plus, when I pitch to people I get to say “I’m an astrologer for ——“. How cool is that? I also will eventually add it to the bio on my website. But I’m not updating my website right now because I don’t give a fuck.

I don’t know what else to say. Just waiting to hear about work. I really can’t talk about it since I think someone from work is reading this.

Oh, I made 3 mental health appointments for April. They are all online. YAY! I’m so glad my insurance covers that. I made two appointments with a therapist for April. Due to cost, I would only like to have therapy two times a month, and her schedule only allows that. She only works online on Fridays, so it is tough to get an appointment with her. That’s why I scheduled both even though we haven’t even talked yet. If we don’t match, I will cancel the second appointment.

I may have mentioned the psychiatrist appointment last week. My 3D doctor SUCKS, so I’m going to see what an online one says. I’m worried this will be a waste of time. What if he says, “See your doctor” or “there’s nothing I can do.” I just want to know how to get off Abilify. I know it is different for everyone. I’m on the lowest possible dose. In fact, I only take it 5 days a week. Of course, I’m supposed to take it daily. Ugh, I just can’t get off of this med. 😦 Before Abilify, I was a somewhat high functioning depressed person. I could work just fine, but everything else sucked. When I got home from work, all I would do is sleep.

So Abilify works, but it sucks if you are 1 out of the 3 people who will have compulsive behaviors. I’ve read stories of people gambling excessively while on the med etc. For the first few years, I had no side effects from Abilify. I guess I would recommend to only stay on it for a year and get off ASAP…even if it works. Don’t end up like me. :/

Election 2020: Marianne Williamson was on MSNBC for the first time today! She’ll be on Morning Joe on April 4th. Finally. Can’t wait to watch. However, she still doesn’t have enough people supporting her. At this point, she will not be on the debate stage in June. 😦 That will kill her chances. I keep mentioning Marianne, but I have never linked to her donation page. Please donate. I only donated $2.00. Any amount helps!

I really like Pete Buttigieg. He kind of had a WTF moment recently when he said coastal elites don’t understand Trump voters. Sigh. Whatever. I know a lot of people feel this way. Anyway, I would vote for Pete. 100%. He’s gay. Can we have an gay president? I think so BUT then there’s Joe Biden. I think it will come down to Joe, Kamala and Beto. In a month, that opinion will probably change. I think Joe will be the candidate. Too bad.

So far I’m down for voting for Buttigieg, Williamson (of course!), Warren and maybe Castro. I wonder will Stacey Abrams run? If she does, I’ll add her to my list of people I would vote for in the primary. We vote on Super Tuesday. I’m going to try to get that day off…if I want to vote. If it is between Booker, Biden, Sanders, and Kamala – I won’t give a shit. It’s funny Booker and Joe are probably the nicest people in DC, but who cares? I don’t like their policies. (Booker’s past policies are the problem, not the stuff he is saying now).

This week I…

Music of the week: Britney Spears, Jussie Smollett (LOL), Christina Aguilera, Jewel, Rachel Platten, Maggie Rogers, Rachael Sage, Sugarland

Yes, Smollett’s charges were dropped. That doesn’t mean much of anything. I just really wanted to listen to his debut again. So I used the charges being dropped as a reason to listen to his album again. I hope Jussie didn’t pay anyone off. I don’t think he did. I think it was just a DA letting him off the hook due to the inner workings of the “justice” system. It does bother me that IF he did it, he keeps lying, but he has always said that his mom raised him not to lie (prior to all this happening), so I figured he would never admit to lying about something like this!

His mom and all his siblings probably 100% believe him. How can he let his whole family down and the few supporters he has left? In this case, I think being honest would help him get his career slightly back on track (not with Empire – screw that). But if he keeps saying he was a victim of a hate crime…uh. I dunno. People don’t like lies like that. But lies by politicians and police officers are just fine. 😉

TV of the week: The Bachelor, March Madness

Will I ever finish watching The Bachelor? Stay tuned. I started watching it late and I only watch about 2 hours a week, so that’s why I’m so behind. I probably will post about this season once I’m done. Btw, this is my first time watching The Bachelor. So interesting.

Podcasts of the week:  So You Wanna Be a Witch, Why is This Happening, Pod Save America, All In with Chris Hayes, The Jim Fortin Podcast, In the Dark (sooo good!), Pod Save America, The Astrology Podcacst,

Books of the week: Now reading – 

Weekend Plans: I’m taking another astrology class from Astrology University (highly recommend them). I have a paper due tomorrow. I have to work on that tonight. I want to finish my horoscopes too. I was running around getting a new phone from Verizon today, so I didn’t get much done. The phone I could afford wasn’t at most of the Verizons near me. I love my new phone with the Kate Spade case. I HAD to get a new one. It was hard to just make phone calls on my old phone. I had to start calling into work meetings 5 minutes early if I had to be there at the beginning.

I couldn’t use most apps. One thing I forgot – I forgot to take out my SD card. Not a huge deal. I just had music and Marianne Williamson talks on there. Oh well. This phone has so much space, so I have no plans to use a SD card.

I really have to go. UVA is playing right now. They are scaring me. They are only down by one. I hope they make it to the final four and win the whole thing. So I’m going to work on my paper and watch basketball until midnight.

Thanks for checking in! Have a great week. 🙂

They don’t care about me

Hmmm, the lady that does my taxes told me to claim 0 or whatever on my taxes for 2019. Otherwise, I might not get a refund next year. I just hope I won’t owe anything. I do get a relatively small refund this year from the government and nothing from the state.

I just read about claiming 0, and they would take MORE money from my paycheck each month. I can’t pay my bills now, so that’s not going to work. Of course, the tax lady doesn’t know I just borrowed from my 401k, and I’m planning on borrowing again (for the last time – I swear!). I should have borrowed enough so I could have money in my savings/checkings. I just borrowed enough and used it all to cover bills. So right now I have nothing left of what I borrowed.

So next year, I probably won’t get anything. Bummer. If my business were to slightly take off (meaning make more than $500 in revenue), I know I will owe the government money. I already have a plan for that. Save at least 30% of any revenue for taxes. It should probably be 35%, but whatever. I’ll worry about that once I make enough money.

I should be working on my Robert Downey Jr. astrology final exam paper. I have exactly 222 words. I’m going to do the minimum and only write about 550 words. I hope I’m able to finish by Sunday afternoon.

Ugh. The Wallflowers are coming here in August. I went to maybe buy a ticket. They only have general admission. I never do GA. Never. Why are people willing to waste hours to get good seats? I don’t get it. It would be easier and more time efficient to just get a seat. I’m not wasting my time, getting to a venue extra early and then there is no promise of a good seat. How nuts is that? All those wasted hours. No, thank you.

Oh god. I get why people hate social media now. I’m specifically talking about Instagram and Facebook. Instagram is the worst.

#1. Don’t DM me with BS. Some people come straight out and ask for what they want. This is extremely rare. That just happened to me 15 minutes ago and I LOVED that. I responded back that I can’t enroll in his program because of finances. Boom. Done. Thank you. Don’t DM me, pretending to give a fuck when you just want a sale. I’m a hardcore Taurus. We don’t like that fake shit.

#2. Don’t friend me on Facebook, then ask me to like your page a week later and when I ask YOU to like my page, you don’t. Motherfucker! I believe in karma and I’ll leave it at that. This is a new thing that just started happening. I don’t know if it is a stragety amongst the new kids or what. FAKE BULLSHIT. The requesting to be a friend when I don’t know you, doesn’t bother me as much as the asking me to like your page…especially when you have 350 more likes than I do. LOL. I’m not that serious about FB so I approve all friend requests. I don’t care. Just don’t be fake.

Those are the two main things bugging me with social media. #2 doesn’t happen that often (for now) so I’m like whatever. It’s just an annoyance. But if I get another DM from a stranger. ARGH! And I’m temporarily working with someone who suggests I DM people. LOL. Nope. I am not doing it. I don’t like when people do it to me so why would I do it to others???! I’m going to tell her that on Wednesday. If someone can explain to me how to be AUTHENTIC when messaging people on Insta, fine. I have yet to find a decent, real way to DM strangers. Just post on their posts. NO DMs!!

I also don’t like when strangers knock on my door, so that is why I’m not going to campaign for Marianne Williamson or anyone. How hypocritical would that be?? I don’t like it when strangers call me so why would I call strangers? I am not doing it. I did tweet about Marianne and did an Instagram story begging for people to help her. 🙂 I’ll do that because that’s not invasive. Btw, I block numbers all. the. time. If a stranger calls more than once I block. Do I block on social media? Nope. I’m not that mean. hah.

I’m really overwhelmed with things at the moment. Work. School. Fiances. Home. Online classes. Etc. Oh speaking of overwhelming, I’ve scheduled an online appointment with a psychiatrist to see what is going on with Abilify. I will probably cancel that appointment IF I decide to go to therapy twice a month…unless the therapist suggests I see a doctor.

There are so many issues with therapy. I was in therapy for years. I found it slightly helpful for a while until she changed her technique. Then I stopped going to her. Then I started seeing someone else online. She wasn’t very understanding. Or she thought I didn’t like her. I don’t know. We didn’t vibe which is probably a natural experience for many. I didn’t like her technique either.

I just want to see someone about my OCD thoughts and behaviors*. I found one therapist online. She specifically states she works with my main issue. My insurance covers it. My copay would be $25. However, she hasn’t opened her calendar for April. WTF is up with that? Next week I have 2 meetings after work. I am already overwhelemed. I haven’t finished my astrology paper. etc. etc. So there’s no way I’m going to schedule a therapy appointment just because she hasn’t opened dates for April.

*not sure whether I have OCD. If the behavior is caused by a medication, is it still OCD? Do I have depression, anxiety and PTSD? YES!

Anyway, I feel like a failure because I didn’t get my astrology paper done today. I didn’t go to the library because I had to go to the bank and pick up my taxes. Sigh. Tomorrow I have to take my dad to the store. So I will lose at least 3 hours of time. :/

This week I…

Music of the week: Marren Morris, Rachel Platten, India.Arie, Ariana Grande, Delta Goodrem, Ellie Goulding, Carly Rae Jepsen, Hillsong Worship

TV of the week: The Bachelor, March Madness (GO UVA!), Vanderpump Rules

Podcasts of the week: True Crime Garage, So You Wanna Be a Witch, Why is This Happening, Pod Save America, Hardball with Chris Matthews, All In with Chris Hayes, The Mind Your Business Podcast, The Jim Fortin Podcast

As a person with a strong interest in neuropsychology, I really like the Jim Fortin Podcast, but he lost me when he said $2000 wasn’t a lot of money. It’s a really out of touch and privileged thing to say. When I had 2K in my bank account, I didn’t think it was a ton, but I knew it was a lot to many people. I would kill for 2K or 1K right now. Kill. Maybe I shouldn’t be admitting this. It’s a joke, people. 😉

Books of the week: Now reading – 

Weekend Plans: Well the weekend is halfway over and I haven’t finished my paper. Maybe I should book a study room at the library on Monday afternoon? I knew I should have taken the days off for March Madness like I do every year. Sigh. I didn’t do it and now I’m behind. It’s only 9:30PM on Saturday night. I’m kind of tired, but if I could get 50 coherent words written, I would consider that win.

I’m going to attempt to work on my paper, but I already want to update my tarot website. LOL. I had clarity. One of my offer descriptions really, really sucks. I guess I could update it tomorrow.

Thanks for reading through my frustration. Have a great rest of the weekend! 🙂

Looking for heaven

I’m feeling scattered. Today is the first day of my favorite month of the year. The weather is gorgeous. My neighbor mowed my lawn on Saturday while I was out! Of course, I didn’t ask him to. He just did it. Good things. But there are also bad things. Or maybe not so bad, depends on how I look at it.

Tori Kelly’s City Dove (one of my favorite songs by her) is describing me right now. I hate quoting song lyrics on this blog, but today I will:

I don’t really know my fate
I just know I’m on my way
There will be mistakes
movin’ on

I could quote the whole song. It’s so perfect for where I am right now.

I’m feeling overwhelmed by my advanced tarot class and work. This class is a little more intense than I thought it would be. The damn coaching calls for this class are a bit much. I get so anxious. I have to talk and be on camera. Sometimes I hate technology. 😉 I would feel much better if they were just on the phone like my work meetings.

Ugh. I did the coaching call for the tarot class last night. It lasted 2 hours! And I sucked. Everyone else did so well. I’m not just saying that because I have low self-esteem. No, I was really inept. In my defense, I did a reading on someone who had to leave early. Everyone else had a partner. I probably would have done better if she were at the meeting. I also didn’t shuffle the cards properly because I had no idea we were going to do a REAL reading live on camera! I thought that didn’t happen until week 5.

I have to get better. I’m embarrassing myself. I just feel overwhelmed with everything going on. Anyway, now I have to message her the reading since she had to leave early. More work for me. I have to type it up. Blah, blah, blah.

AND because I didn’t get a lot of time to talk because my partner wasn’t there, I get extra time to speak on the next coaching call. AS IF I WANT THAT!!!! Lol. She’ll probably call on me first. 😦

Work. I barely made the productivity goal for April. I’m just hoping May will be better.

I’m feeling a little bitter over the way the part-time job company let me go. No email. Nothing. I just got an email from IT for their laptop. I knew it was coming. I said it here on the blog.

I almost forgot to mention my dog’s birthday. It was fun, but as soon as we got to the part of the river I wanted to visit, there was a bridge! My mom was too scared to cross, so I crossed with my dog. We didn’t stay long. The good thing is now I know where to park, and we can go there by ourselves. We have to go back (my dog and I).

No overtime for me today and it’s going to be nice. 80 degrees. I hope to go to the park today after I get off work. Gotta go. Bye!

Afraid of Nothing

I put my 17 year old dog to sleep on Saturday. I don’t really have much that isn’t cliché to say about it. I do have a favorite memory I’ve never shared in this blog. When she was about 3 or 4, she ran away. I was terrified, of course! I got in my car and less than 5 minutes later she was right beside it. Because what is cooler than a car ride? Forget running away, I wanna go for a ride. Another memory is how she would get into my suitcase when I was getting ready to go back to college. I really missed her when I went away.

My favorite moments with her were when we were lying in bed together. I had a tiny twin sofa bed. So it wasn’t comfortable AT ALL. But I always wanted her in bed with me…even when she would steal the covers.

Now I have a new buddy. I’m fostering an 8 month old puppy. He is part sheltie, terrier and corgi. My last dog was a corgi/beagle mix, btw. I think this dog is more sheltie and terrier. I didn’t know anything about shelties until I got him. They can be quite the handful. I might adopt him. He is soooo cute. BUT, he has bitten someone before (at the shelter) and he growled at me on day one like he wanted to attack. It was scary how a big sound could come out such of a tiny dog. I’m a little scared of him…I don’t think that is healthy.

If I do decide to keep him, I will be attending puppy obedience school with him. It costs $119 so I won’t start as soon as I like. Here is the worst part: He is NOT house trained. Bummer. My last dog was so I’ve never had to do this before. I have no idea how to house train this dog. I’ll take him outside every few hours but he’ll wait until he comes in to use the bathroom on the carpet. Yeah, good times. He did use the bathroom outside once today…I was thrilled.

Another bad and sad thing: He wants to kill my guinea pigs. This sucks and is one of the reasons I am thinking about not adopting him. I had to move my guinea pigs to the bedroom. I am never back there so now I rarely see them. 😦 I miss them. I’m trying to think of a solution better than what I’ve got going on now.

I’m overwhelmed and probably still grieving over my dog. But I’m mainly overwhelmed by having a new dog and by work.

Gotta go. I might post pics of both dogs later this week. I’m going to get some knitting done…instead of cleaning or studying.

Purge. Get Real. Out With the Old.

I’m currently residing in the land of overwhelm and frustration. This reminds me why I hate temping. Nah, this reminds me why I hate job searching.

Well, the good news is the temp agency submitted my resume to a company today. The bad news is I probably will have to interview with the company to get the job. And it is only going to last for a month or two…that could be good or bad. The job is not in my field. It is a data entry job. I don’t mind that too much. Speaking of jobs in my field…

Someone contacted me about a certified (insert job title here) position! It is really hard to get a certified —- job without experience so I’m guessing she didn’t read over my resume that well. It is very common for people to not really go over a resume. I have no idea why. That is a waste of time. That is another topic. Anyway, I think she didn’t read my objective either. I said I wanted a part-time certified —- position. I think she wants to hire full-time. This is only a problem because I don’t know when the other interview will be. SCREAM! I also have a doctor’s appointment  on Friday afternoon.

There is too much uncertainty going on right now. Do I cancel the doctor’s appointment? I hate making phone calls. That’s funny because I can easily go a week without talking on the phone but today I was on the phone four times.

I don’t know what to do. I’m just venting. UGH. Double UGH.

And it’s not like I can just take time off for a job interview. Maybe I can get everything scheduled in the afternoon. I think I better cancel the doctor’s appointment. That would be one less thing to stress over.

I’ll call right now. Wait a second.

I just called to cancel my doctor’s appointment. ::sigh of relief::

Jobs = new people = anxiety.

I’m just trying to think of the money. lol. I desperately need some extra income.

OMG. Someone just called about the certified position. I have a job interview on Tuesday after work. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Well…that is if I’m NOT working at the part-time temp job. Oh my. Someone shoot me now. This is too much.

To summarize: I might have a job interview for the temp position ASAP (prob this week). And I have a job interview for the certified —– on next Tuesday.

That deserves another OMG. I’m soooo not made for this. I will survive. Somehow.

Yes this entry is full of drama. LOL. 😉 I know drama. And I was on the phone SIX times today. That includes two times while typing this entry. That’s a record.

This calls for a nap even though I have crap to do.

Breathe.

I let go of fear & the peace came

It was 70 degrees last Sunday……and I actually left my house! I’m serious. I walked around a big parking lot for almost 30 minutes. It was very nice. I even saw ducks. 😉 So what if it was just to avoid the Jehovah Witnesses? (Btw, it worked!!)  It was good exercise and much better than the treadmill. This Sunday I have errands to run so no walking. But I do plan to make it a habit.

I don’t know why a socially anxious person like me would join Gold’s Gym. I mean, really? Worst. Decision. Ever. There are tons of people ALWAYS there. I do plan to start going to the 6AM strength training class at least twice a month on Thursdays. I don’t know how I’m going to get to the gym by 5:45AM. I can’t even drag my butt to work at 6AM, and I work at home!! (I start at 6:30). I’m waiting until it gets consistently warm (April) and then I will embark on this new journey. I only operate in warm weather. 🙂

Today I’m not going anywhere. I worked overtime. And I gotta do school work. Exciting, I know.

Weekly

Music for the week: Lea Michelle, Pharrell Williams, Imagine Dragons, Jennifer Nettles, Lorde, Candice Glover, The Fray, Elle Varner

TV for the week: basketball, Desperate Housewives

Movie of the week: I plan on watching Before Midnight tonight…or tomorrow.

Books of the week:  The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff, Teach Online: Design Your First Online Course by Jeanette Cates

Goals for the week: ARGH!!!!!! Stop the overwhelm. I was fine the first 8 weeks of this course. I was ahead and now I’m not anymore. I’ve started saying, “I can’t do this” “This is is too hard”  “I’m never going to get this” etc. I’m not as motivated because I’m stuck in the overwhelm. This week is supposed to be spring break. ROFL. I will be working my ass off to get ahead.  I have my 24 hour getaway on April 11-12th and I need to get ahead so I can enjoy the trip.

I’m worried about my grades for this past week’s work. No comprendo.