Fuck, I hate the cold

I haven’t had water since Saturday. Last winter I didn’t lose water for one day! That’s how mild of a winter we had. It’s only the beginning of January and I have no water. 😦 I hope one of my pipes hasn’t burst. The year before last, I would lose water when it was very cold and the pipes hadn’t burst so I’m hoping for the best.

One of my coworkers lost everything in a fire (including her pets) and I’m whining about water. I am sending her something this weekend. This is what we should send money for. Not National (insert title here) Day.

Now onto the countdown:

2 days until I see Marianne Williamson speak

15 days until I’m in Los Angeles to see and meet Gabby Bernstein

I’m so not ready for LA. It’s like it’s not happening. I don’t think I will ever travel for a short trip during the winter. It doesn’t matter that where I’m going is warm. It’s cold here and I’m in a little funk. Like a lot of people, I get depressed during the winter. It also doesn’t help that I went off Abilify for 22 days.

I would stay on Abilify until March, but I would need another prescription. I’m not sure I want to do that. My appetite is back and everything is pretty normal. I haven’t made an appointment with a new psychiatrist yet. Well, I did call and they want me to leave a voicemail. I will call again for sure next week. I will leave a voicemail if I have to.

One thing about Gabby: Yes, I am nervous about meeting her and I have considered not meeting her. They say you should never meet your idols. But she’s just a normal person, right? So why shouldn’t I meet her? One person who idolizes her says she wasn’t very present when she was telling her something meaningful. She’s human like the rest of us. She shouldn’t be idolized by anyone. She’s not better than me or anyone. I do consider her one of my spiritual teachers (along with Marianne Williamson). And I would like her to sign my book. In order for her to sign my book, I have to meet her. haha.

Putting her or anyone on a pedestal is dangerous. Yes, I’m kind of going 3,000 miles to LA for her but I’m also going to just get away and see LA. I figure it’s a win-win. Even if she’s not nice to me or whatever, I have the experience of going to Los Angeles. Gabby or no one can take that away. (Unless I come to my senses and decide not to go. My wallet would thank me for that).

This week I…

Music of the week (my top 8):  Taylor Swift, Julie Byrne, Linkin Park, Shawn Mendes, Demi Lovato, City High, Justin Timberlake, Ke$ha

Song of the week:  Cowboy Junkies – Fuck, I Hate the Cold

TV of the week:  The Crown, Mindhunter, news

Movie of the week: I forgot to mention that I watched Personal Shopper a few weeks back. I would only recommend this to Kristen Stewart fanatics. It’s pretty bad. But I watched the whole thing.

Podcasts of the week:  What Should I Read Next?,  Mentally Chill (I got a shout out on this week’s episode. Thanks, Kristen!! Not that Kristen is reading this. lol)

Books of the week: I finished reading When Breathe Becomes Air by Paul Kalanthi. Saddest book ever. It was very hard to read, but also a quick read. I read an article on Paul’s wife in The Washington Post this morning. It made me happy. With that being said, I don’t think it was the best book ever written. It was a good story…if that makes sense.

I read about 29 books in 2017. Not bad. That’s more than I read in 2016. I don’t have a goal of how many books I want to read this year because it depends on if I’m taking a class or working at my part-time job etc.

Now reading –

Planner update: Plans of the week in my Get to Work Book

DSCN0617

Plans for the Weekend: Busy weekend. I was supposed to say NO to overtime. rofl. I said YES again. I will also be working OT on MLK day (a day off). I really need the extra money for the electricity bill. I can’t afford to say no. Unfortunately, they are also offering OT when I’m going to be in LA. I had to say no to that. 😦

Anyway, on Saturday I’m working OT in the morning and then I’m going to see Marianne Williamson speak for 2 hours. She’ll probably talk for an hour and then do a Q & A. Then on Sunday I’m going to two stores to grocery shop. I was supposed to take my test this weekend. It is on hold again because of the OT.

My instructor emailed me to ask me my whereabouts. Haha. In a nutshell, I was going through Abilify withdrawal for a couple of weeks and then I just didn’t feel like taking the test last weekend. And this weekend I’m busy. Got it? I’m just going to tell her I plan on taking the test next Sunday. And I do hope to take it then.

I gotta go respond to the instructor. Thanks for reading. Have a marvelous weekend! 🙂

 

 

Psychiatric hospitalization

Psychiatric hospitalization is generally both frightening and reassuring to suicidal patients. It continues to carry a heavy stigma and to create personal, economic, and professional difficulties for many individuals. And as we have seen, it does not prevent all suicides…Hospitalization is too often seen by both patients and their doctors as a symbolic defeat or as the treatment of last resort, rather than as an occasional necessity for a serious problem. These beliefs, which tend not to accompany decisions to hospitalize people who have other medical conditions, are pervasive and dangerous, and they stand in the way of good clinical care.

William Stryon, who described his hospitalization for suicidal depression as a ‘way station, a purgatory’ strongly regretted his doctor’s reluctance to admit him to a psychiatric ward:

Many psychiatrists, who simply don’t seem to be able to comprehend the nature and depth of the anguish their patients are undergoing, maintain their stubborn allegiance to pharmaceuticals in the belief that eventually the pills will kick in, the patient will respond, and the somber surroundings of the hospital will be avoided.

From Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison
I’ve found a lot of quotes/passages in this book that I’ve wanted to blog about but I thought I would post this since it is on topic with my most recent posts. I can’t afford a hospital stay. How low can one go? Personal, economic and professional difficulties??? Uh….But if I could get a guarantee of normality by going to a hospital, I’d do it in a second. I know through just my life experiences that guarantees are a joke. Nothing is really guaranteed. I do find it disturbing that Styron doesn’t think doctors know the depth of their patients pain. WHAT? Isn’t that what they deal with all day? Hmmm. I know when I’m feeling suicidal (or anything), I’m not good at articulating it. I can write about it. But if you ask me, I’m “fine”.

And most people know that if you talk too much about suicide, that is a guaranteed hospital stay. I’ve lied to counselors and doctors about wanting to kill myself. I didn’t want to be hospitalized.

I have the utmost respect for people living with schizophrenia and manic depression. I don’t know if I could survive that. To get up every day – especially for the people who are extremely aware – and just getting through the day…I cannot imagine that. Fight on! You are strong.

(Perhaps the above paragraph is worded incorrectly but I’m out of it and hope what I mean comes across).

Perhaps I shouldn’t be reading this book now. Kay Redfield Jamison’s other book: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness literally changed my life. I can’t say that about many books. I made a semi major decision based on her book. I don’t want to divulge what decision that was at this time.
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My computer “broke” yesterday. I was my own geek squad and manage to fix it myself!! I’m so thankful for that. *Whew* Crisis averted. Microsoft = 😦 One day I may get a Mac desktop but I’m not an apple fan due to my iPod experience. I returned that thing within a week of getting it. But maybe if I got a Mac and a iPod, I could be living happily in Apple world. Maybe I should find out exactly what a iPad does. But if I can’t do dial up with it, then it is pointless. LOL.

What I did on Black Friday:

Worked.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I know people would be like “You should be happy to be able to make extra money” blah blah. But money has never motivated me. Even if I was normal, I would not be making anywhere near 6 figures because my goals are not aligned with money. Anyhow, I’m glad I worked. I somehow managed to get a lot of sleep on Thanksgiving. I did not eat turkey, btw. I don’t get the turkey thing at all. Why do people eat it only 1 day a year if it sooooo good? That doesn’t make sense to me but then again most stuff doesn’t.

Stop the tangent.

Yes, I’m talking to myself. I manage to not buy anything but I’m thinking of getting some gloves from Amazon. They are on sale, a nice brand, lined etc. I do need gloves.

Who cares? I’m working tomorrow too but not for 6 long hours. heh. I’m paying my tuition on Tuesday after work. Some with cash and some with a (temporary) 0% interest check. That is why I’m doing OT. All of my money is going to the tuition and books.

No matter how much sleep I get I’m always so tired.

Never gonna get it

This entry will seem like a broken record. However, it seems like someone from my 3D life has found my blog or it has taken this person weeks to say something clever. (yes I’m being facetious).

I’m not friendly. If friendly means nice to you fine. I used to be nice until I heard what people were saying. They said bad things about me simply because I didn’t talk! I was a loner. An introvert…and shy. When I heard people saying these things I was hurt. Why should they talk about me just because I’m shy? (so naive!) Um, after years of listening to people talk about me and other people I figured out how people operated.

Yeah, I’m not so nice anymore. In fact I’m fed up with most people. I give some a chance but then I find out they are just like “most people”. I’ve grouped them into the group called “social people”.

Why am I always having to explain myself?

JNx: “I’m a social person”.

(What I wanted to say): I’m not so STFU!

😉

I can’t even begin to think how these people think. It’s foreign to me. Everything I’ve figured out is through keeping quiet and studying/analyzing them.

Why am I meditating on them? Well it’s kinda hard not to. They dictate everything. They set the norms. I’m considered weird because of their perceptions. I’m fed up! A little.

I started this entry because I’m so confused on how I’m the bad person when it comes to everything (heh) but specifically house guests. A person who doesn’t mind house guest could not be more different than me. I know these people exist. Google “house guests” and you’ll find being who get OFFENDED if you don’t want them to stay at your place.

Baffling. My place is my only semi-safe place. To have someone demand to stay there is rude, unsympathetic. I go to work where people are constantly around. When I finally get home and close the door, it is nice to finally let loose and be weird me. I’m pretty sure if I were me at work, I would not be there. Trust me. With a person being at my home, I have to continue to be on again. Being on 18/7 is exhausting (for me).

WHY AM I EXPLAINING MYSELF AGAIN? I’m territorial. You invaded my turf. Got it? Probably not.
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I was feeling sick on Thursday. Physically & mentally. That morning I decided it was easier to just buy coffee instead of making it. I had the best, filling breakfast burrito and a cappuccino. But turning to food for comfort is bad for so many reasons. Not just because it could turn into a health hazard. I don’t want to spend $4.00 on breakfast. I’m working OT every Saturday to pay for school. I’m not working that much OT (about 16 hours a month which is nothing compared to what the work at home people do. My god, they must be rich….Overtime won’t last forever. The hiring freeze is going away soon. I’m thrilled about that but they still won’t/can’t hire enough people).

I’m so glad we get an extra hour tonight. Yay.

I have to register for classes at work on Monday. I will figure out how many classes I’m taking tomorrow. I’m leaning towards 4 instead of 3 because I want the summer off. I have no idea how much this is going to cost me. I’ve been avoiding it. I’m scared…………….

Tomorrow I will make sure I have all the user names, passwords, class #s so I can register at work. I was supposed to do it from the comfort of my laptop but I’m in training at work and can’t take any time off. :/

Farting in public

inside joke. haha. But it is also is about, “not being afraid to fart in public”. That was a useful quote from a self help book I read years ago. Don’t be scared to make a mistake. If you fart, so what? Move on. Which leads me to my worst nightmare….

Avon (local manager) wants me to CALL people. She is going to give me a list and a script. Bad timing. The universe is setting me up. I would never do any type of telemarketing as a job. #1 I wouldn’t produce so. #2 I’d be the most miserable person. I don’t do sales. I don’t like being pushy. And as far as Avon goes, what is in it for me? Yes, it could help or HURT my social anxiety. I’m not getting paid…not that that would make it any better. If someone wants to buy Avon (or whatever) do I get the sell (LOL) or is it just more free advertising for Avon??? I would rather volunteer at an animal or homeless shelter.

The only reason I’m even considering this is because I can do it away from the Avon office. Unfortunately it still involves people. 😦 Btw, I reread the email and these are people w/brochures. They probably already have reps so..oh well. No new customers for me, not that I feel like I can handle that. Dealing with the customers I have can be overwhelming. I can’t imagine dealing with more right now so that’s why I’m only dealing with current customers.

I’ve done a lot of advertising for Avon and what have I got from it? Not much. The company benefited for sure. I made ads using their products and placing them everywhere. Etc. Etc. I’m done with that for now. Now (due to circumstances), I’m working overtime tomorrow (universe willing). I’m selling stuff on Ebay. I have to ship all the packages tomorrow.

::sigh:: And I’m still a lil’ depressed. That’s why I’d decided to make myself do OT despite knowing certain people will be there. Last weekend I stayed in bed. This Saturday the plan was healthy breakfast, go to the library (and actually hangout and browse magazines instead of checking out and running) & then work for 3+ hours. Well, I’m still doing all that but now I have to run around town to do an errand w/my mom after work.

And where does Avon fit in?? Ebay and overtime is keeping me busy. So much for going to see a movie. Should I do it @ work in a private place where I feel comfortable? I don’t feel comfortable making calls from home. (You don’t want to know). I’ll be using my cell…and all of the calls will be local.

I’m not going to say no to Avon because Avon was supposed to help with my anxiety so I’m saying “yes”. Feel the fear & do it anyway, right?

overwhelmed. I will consider it a miracle if I’m out the house by 11AM. So is over doing it (or trying to) a way to combat depression. Or will I collapse?

no progress

I need help. This is the 1st depression I’ve had where I can’t get out of bed. I don’t need medicine. I need help with the house. I can’t maintain it. It isn’t about $$. It is about energy. Overwhelmed.

I slept in all weekend. Ignoring everything. I am so thankful that I do not have strangers for Avon customers. There is 1 woman at work and I could barely summon the energy to get her simple order ready. The rest of my customers I ‘know’. It is still ‘work” but it is bearable.

Another concern I have is that I should be doing OT but I can’t do the long hours.

“you’re pretty”

I haven’t been seriously told that EVER! Not by my parents, ‘friends’. No one. Anyway thanks for making my morning a little bit better. Guess what I was wearing? Avon. lol. I just used a colorless primer (must have!) and foundation. I guess she could have been talking about my outfit but I doubt it. I had on a red leather jacket, black Guess jeans & my fabulous Avon riding boots. 🙂 I also had on Avon earrings and a (real) silver onyx necklace. So maybe I won’t cure my social anxiety but I did learn a little about makeup. I hope that isn’t my only Avon lesson. That would mean no more trying to get sales.

It was like what happens in the training videos. Someone tells you, “I like your makeup” or “I like that necklace”. Then you are suppose to say “Avon!” and then right on the spot you have a sell. But I never thought it would happen to me. Besides she was (and I) were walking like we were in NYC so….for me to think on the spot like that, it just doesn’t happen. All I said was “thanks!”. I probably appeared shocked. She had to say it twice. Thank you! xoxo

AND: A man also helped me @ the gas station. That would never have happened pre-avon. Never! No, this doesn’t mean I’m going to wear foundation everyday. It is a time issue. I would rather be @ work than in front of the mirror. Besides I suck at taking off makeup before bed which causes my skin to break out. heh.

As you might have guessed I was passing out avon/mark brochures in a new place – the local university student union. I would have put more together if I would have known what to expect. It was a bit of a waste to only ‘toss’ 12 brochures. I’m going back in December (and once every month) and I’ll take at least 25. Their student union is huge & it was electric. My college was never like that on a Saturday! I was a bit worried about security but the student union and library were open.

Colleges are my atmosphere…especially universities. It is about not fully being a grown up. It is having everything you need in walking distance (unless you went to a rural school like me). It is about youth, energy, excitement and stress. Ah, I love it. How I wish I could be a student for life. No ties. I never wanted to buy a house in my 20s. My idea was to find my dream house at 40 (when I wasn’t suicidal) and move into it. But circumstances…

I don’t want to be 6, 12, or 17. I want to be 20. Student for life. I can’t ask ‘how this happened?’ I know exactly what happened. For me buying this house was a life or death situation. No joke. So I have to deal with it. Even though the neighbors are sometimes unbearable (ex: shooting guns in the air near my window, leaving dirty diapers in my yard – eh), the house hasn’t been updated since 1953 when it was built. And that leaves me to work overtime (temporary opportunity) even though I’m not physically or mentally up to it. I didn’t work any OT last week but for the next two weeks I’m going to do 6-8 hours.

It is sort of necessary since I’m getting my plumbing replaced. I would not have gotten my house semi insulated had I known the pipes needed to be replaced. I focus on needs. Oh well, I just hope I’m productive…I will feel bad and NOT work overtime if I’m in a funk.

I just wanna be free but who doesn’t from time to time?