reality hits

This is sort of a depressing entry…for me. I had a wake-up call last night. The last time I felt this way was when I went to Vegas and couldn’t fit into a pair of jeans I packed. I thought for sure I could still wear those jeans. I had no clue.

I have to lose 10 pounds. I know it isn’t all about the numbers, but that is one way to measure how I’m doing. I don’t know how much I weigh now. I will wait until later to get an exact weight. I know it is near 140. 😦

I’ve been calling into overeaters anonymous meetings. I can relate to those people so much. But I have to work the program…or do I? What other options are there? I’m on a waiting list for a binge/overeaters workbook from the library. I can’t wait to get it. OA members talk about writing, and I don’t know what to write. For now, I will just write like I do in my journal until I figure it out.

I’m not getting a sponsor and working the program. That is what I’m saying now. If I can’t lose these 10 pounds or GAIN weight, I might have a different take. I am going to attempt to work the program by myself, and I might speak up in a meeting. Not sure.

So this is an update on the overeating thing. Apparently, it is still an issue. I wish I could lose the weight quickly, but I didn’t gain it quickly. Blah, blah. I do feel like I gained it overnight, but I know that’s not true.

I’m going to come up with a better food plan within the next couple weeks. I’ve been trying to save money on food and eating cheap shit on occasion. I can’t continue to do that. Breakfast and small snacks are set. I need new ideas for lunch and dinner.

I’m a sugar addict. I try to limit my sugar intake. The only time I’m bad at it is when I’m overeating. Sugar starts binges for me. I try not to have anything that lists sugar as one of the main ingredients in my house.  I need to limit flour. That’s harder. I don’t know what to eat for lunch if I can’t have flour. I don’t eat a lot of bread because I know I shouldn’t have it. I stopped eating bread years ago, but then I started back up for ease.

I don’t cook, so that is also an issue. I’m going to think about all this over the next few weeks. I will never really cook, but I do have a crock pot. I can use that.  I’m just thinking out loud now, so I’m going to go.

Done being done

OMG! I might have an Overeaters Anonymous sponsor!!! I texted her, and she told me to call on Sunday, but she didn’t say what time. ugh. I mentioned a time in my initial text to her so I’ll call her at that time. I hope that’s okay.

That was so freaking brave of me! LOL. My therapist gave me the push. I told her I had to do it, and she agreed. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This is so scary.

Why do I need a sponsor? Because I still can’t fight the urge to order delivery. Well, today I was going to do it, and I talked myself out of it, but it isn’t like that every day. I don’t want to regain my weight and who wants to feel addicted to anything? I don’t. So I’m trying to get in front of the problem…for once in my life.

I will also binge on sweets which isn’t a daily problem because I don’t keep sweets in my house.

I do have a fear that my problem will seem “not bad enough” because I don’t have weight to lose, but she has probably been around enough to know that weight isn’t the only issue. Any person who has gone to an OA meeting in person knows there are people of all sizes there. I’ve never been, but she probably has.

Now I just need a Debtors Anonymous sponsor. That probably won’t happen within the next 60 days. I’m trying to manage this on my own. I’m doing okay (besides when I order food). The main problem is that my bills are high, and I’m not making enough. But two things are changing: My car payments will stop in a few months, and I now have a part-time job.

Speaking of my part-time job: I finally heard back from them. I had to do more training, and now I’m ready to work. Well, I don’t feel ready, but they are going to give me work. I’m waiting for yet another email. Well, now I know they are slow, so I might not get a response until late next week.

The Washington Wizards are having an open practice on this upcoming Friday. At first, I was going for sure. Now I’m not sure. I haven’t seen the Wizards in person in about five years.  John Wall might not be there due to an injury. 😦 That would be my main reason for going since I’ve never seen him play or practice. Do I want to spend 90 minutes on a Friday evening watching basketball? I think I do. hmmm.

This week I…

Music of the week: Frank Ocean, Britney Spears, Brooklyn Duo, Ariana Grande, Carly Rae Jepsen, Kelly Clarkson, Ingrid Michaelson, Rihanna

I adore Brooklyn Duo’s version of Beyonce’s “Pray You Catch Me.”

I love the cello. I always wanted to play the strings, but I played three years of clarinet instead. I wish Brooklyn Duo would do Beyonce’s whole album. This song is so good. Trust me. Listen to it!

TV of the week:  Big Brother, Survivor

I was shocked by who won Big Brother! Shocked. I’m okay with the winner, though. The person could be annoying at times. That’s the only negative thing I have to say.

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: Still reading Sex Object by Jessica Valenti. I’m almost done. The book is okay. It is a memoir. She had a lot of sex and did a lot of cocaine. That is how I would summarize the book. It is what it is.  I chose to read it because I’m a  fan of Jessica. I’m still reading You’re a Badass by Jen Sincero.

Plans for the Weekend: Grocery shopping, working on my certification course, training for my part-time job. Right now this is my life. I expect to start working for pay next week. I will be so nervous about the sponsor thing. Breathe.

Have a fun weekend! 🙂

Doesn’t hurt any less

I have never been so busy and tired in my life and I haven’t even started really working the PT job yet. I’m just doing training. I will be starting  actual work (very slowly) soon.

This PT job is taking over my life. Even when I’m working my FT job, I’m thinking about it and listening to training videos. It is affecting my work a little. That’s not smart, but I feel overwhelmed by all I have to learn and I don’t know what to do.

I haven’t worked on my certification class since Monday. I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish within 3 months.


I would like to take some time each week and write about Overeaters Anonymous and/or Debtors Anonymous.

  • We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

That is step#1 of Overeaters Anonymous. 90% of the time, I don’t feel my life is unmanageable due to food. I am powerless over sweets/sugar. So I should probably just abstain, right? I don’t keep sweets in my house that often because I know myself. I just need to accept that I can’t control myself around sweets. I need to stop eating sugar. I don’t know when I’m going to do this.

Am I denial about my life being unmanageable? I don’t know. Sometimes I do use next to my last dime for a sweet. That’s why I say 90% of the time I don’t feel my life is unmanageable. I shouldn’t spend money on foolish food.

It’s not just about sweets. Sometimes I just want takeout or delivery. That is wasting money. I’ll go through the other steps soon.


 

This week I…

Music of the week: Britney Spears, Lauren Aquilina, Ingrid Michaelson, Shura, Little Mix, Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande, Carly Rae Jepsen

TV of the week:  Big Brother, Survivor

Movie of the week: none

Books of the week: I know it’s silly to say  Sex Object by Jessica Valenti has too much sex talk, but it does. I don’t want to read about penises. Other than that, the book is fine. 😉 I’m also reading You’re a Badass by Jen Sincero.

Plans for the Weekend: I’m either working on part-time work or I’m doing training for PT work. I’m waiting on an email so I’m not sure what I’m doing.

TWO people used my Lyon + Post referral link so I have $60 credit. I ordered a few things and I’m picking up my package from my mom’s house on Saturday. I picked out 4 items, but I’m only keeping one thing. Thanks so much for using my referral link. If you want $30 off, feel free to use my link. I’ll open it on Snapchat and I might do an entry on it if I have time. Doubtful.

Busy weekend. Have a great one! 🙂

Fine as I am but I want more

*******BREAKING NEWS***********

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I have a phone interview on Tuesday for the work at home position! I’m pretty sure this is full-time, but I know they hire part-time people too. I would take either. The good thing is I have a three day weekend to prepare for this interview, and it is on the telephone since everyone works virtually. YES! I’m worried about my references, though. I have to get that straight. I gave them three references, but only two are real. Don’t laugh. One of my references died.

Anyway, I took the test and made a 74. The cutoff was 70! I can’t believe they are still interested. Wow. This is what I took the board exam for in 2014. Yep, and this is what I have my certification in. I don’t have a lot of work experience in this field. Well, at least I know what I will be doing this weekend. Studying.

So exciting…but I’m very nervous. Work at home job?? Hello? Of course, I feel the pressure. I feel like this may be my only shot. There aren’t a lot of these floating around.

I also applied for a part-time job on Wednesday. I haven’t heard back yet. This job is in retail, so I’m not dying to get it. The pay is decent.


 

I’ve found a few great overeaters anonymous meetings. I probably should get an OA sponsor, but the requirements are talking to your sponsor once a day (no big deal) and calling three strangers a day. I would have to go from talking to no one to talking to four people a day???! No way. I would have to ease into that. That’s a big leap for someone like me.

I’m annoyed by those requirements. There are other things too like seeing a nutritionist which I think is a great idea, but I don’t think health insurance will pay for any of it. I’m not overweight* and I don’t have any major physical health issues related to eating so there’s no way it will seem necessary.

(*I was going to mention my weight in this entry, but this is a long entry so I’ll do a separate entry on it later next week. Let’s just say I got my ass on the treadmill today).

The other requirement is abstaining from sugar. That is where a nutritionist would come in for me. I’ve been thinking about it and it, wouldn’t be that hard, but my food bill would go up. I eat biscotti for breakfast three days a week because I love it 🙂 and it’s affordable. It’s also low calorie. I’m still thinking about this. I will definitely lower my sugar intake because sugar is my drug. But complete abstinence? Help!

My point is that if I’m not ready to do the requirements, then there is no point in getting a sponsor. I will appear not ready to change. And I’m not ready to talk to 4 people a day on the phone. But the other things, I’m willing to do.

I did find an atheist OA group. That’s nice.

As far as debtors anonymous goes, I’ve only found one meeting  I love. They meet once a week.  I’m still looking for another meeting. All 12 step groups seem to tell newbies to go to as many groups as possible in the first 90 days, so that’s what I’m doing.

This week I…

Music of the week: Halsey, Britney Spears, Carly Rae Jepsen, Ariana Grande, Ingrid Michaelson, Myzica, Ellie Goulding, Lauren Aquilina

I thought Britney’s VMA performance was pretty good. It’s not her fault she had to follow Beyonce. I still don’t get the Beyonce love. I need someone to explain it to me. She lip syncs sometimes. She doesn’t write (that much?) She does put on a good show. I’ll give her that. I think I hate Beyonce’s fakeness. People really believes she sings, writes and comes up with stuff. BTW, I know Beyonce can sing live. She just chooses not to. She probably has valid reasons. Why tire your voice out when you don’t have to? No one is calling her on it.

I know Britney rarely writes. She lip syncs 98% of the time. But we know what we’re getting with her.  People wonder why she doesn’t dance anymore. It’s because she had a severe knee injury. She had surgery on it.  Some people think both of her knees are injured. I hope not, but I don’t know. Anyway,  that is why she can’t dance like she used to.

TV of the week:  Grey’s Anatomy, Big Brother, Survivor

Movie of the week: I watched the worst lesbian movie ever made. It’s called Loving Annabelle. It was so bad. I can’t believe I finished it. I was bored. It’s about a student and teacher “falling in love” with each other. Yes, that belong in quotes because there was nothing there. It started out with such promise. The premise was good.

Book of the week: I’m reading:

I’m on a waiting list for a few books. I hope I get a book or two over the weekend.

Plans for the Weekend: Well, I was going to mow the lawn, but now I’m studying for this interview. I might mow the lawn over the weekend, but my yard isn’t that bad. Maybe it can wait a week? Not sure. I might stay home for the whole holiday weekend!  YAY! As if I don’t stay home enough. lol. But I rarely stay home on the weekend. I haven’t decided yet. So I don’t have any plans (besides interview prep).

If you’re in the path of the tropical storm: Stay safe! I don’t think we are getting much. It’s cooler, and it’s probably going to rain a little….and it just started raining. I hope it stops from time to time. My dog doesn’t like going outside in heavy rain.

Have a great weekend!