Time to be your 21

I deleted my online profile. She asked me if I was seeing someone. I said no and then she wanted to start texting. OMG. I sorta freaked out. :/ I gave it more than 24 hours before I decided to give up. She might be looking for someone to date. So I figured the best thing to do was to delete my profile before we exchanged numbers. Once numbers are exchanged the pressure is on. I have enough pressure from work.

Dating to me implies sex. Is that a wrong assumption? I hate the whole idea of sex.  I’ve already blogged about this before so there is no point in rehashing.

For the above reason, I can never date. Well I could date an asexual person like me but ugh, I don’t even want to go there. It isn’t appealing to me….at all. Sex or no sex, I have too much going on to date or even think about it. But it is possible that one day I won’t feel like I’m struggling through life everyday.

So when my therapist asks me about dating, I want to scream YOU DON’T GET IT. Even if I wanted to date I couldn’t because that means sex! Unfortunately that is how it is. Why are you asking me about dating? You think I want to have sex??! Well I don’t. Do I have to spell it out for you? Apparently so…

No sex. No dating. The end.



Music for the week:  Zee Avi, Jillette Johnson, Alexz Johnson, Sara Bareilles, Jay Z, Matt Nathanson, Justin Timberlake (in the car), Ciara

TV for the week: Dexter, Scandal (I gave this show a chance. It is too Law & Order-ish for me. And I’m not crazy about Kerry Washington in this. The only plus is that it takes place in D.C. but even that can’t save the show. Perhaps it gets better later but I will never know). Big Brother 15 (rooting for Helen or McCrae to win).

Movie of the week: None. I really want to see Fruitvale Station but it isn’t playing here. 😦

Books of the week: Buddha Standard Time: Awakening to the Infinite Possibilities of Now by Surya Das and Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn

Goals for next week:  Work: to be more productive than last week. Frustrating. Sigh. But I did improve slightly this week so there’s hope. Go to the gym 3 times next week.

I am definitely going to the gym tomorrow or Sunday. I will probably go to the one at work. I hope it is empty so I can do weights and cardio.

I so hate consequences

I believe in miracles!!!!!!!111!!!11!

The rental company is helping me  find someone to lease my apartment. How awesome is that? 🙂 So freaking relieved. When she called and told me that, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world!

She really called to tell me that I have to keep paying the gas bill and then she asked me whether I was still living there. She said, “Do you know how many people come in here looking for a 1 bedroom?” Um, actually yes but I couldn’t find one person willing to commit to sublease. Anyhow, this is great news. She will find someone and I won’t have to keep paying rent at two places. YAY.

I did borrow money from my 401k to pay the rent. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about that money. Even without the apartment, my bills are more than I make. 😦 Actually I am too scared to check for sure. I may break even. But I had to get this house. I know the house is worth the rent. I feel semi-safe here. I don’t have the high levels of anxiety. I can actually work.

I may pay some of the loan back early. I hope they will lower my payments if I do that. I’ll think about that later. I was also thinking of finishing up school. To get a certificate it will cost me $800 (for one final class). To get certified it will costs me additional money. Right now I will just settle for the certificate.


In other news I lost .8 pounds. 😉 (That’s *point* 8 – not 8lbs)  It has always been easy for me to lose weight in the past…without really trying. Now I’m nervous that I’ve messed up my metabolism. It’s not easy now. I have to keep it off. I have stopped eating bread. I have cut down on soda. None today, in fact.

I was stung by a bee on my ankle of all places on Saturday. It happened while I was mowing the lawn. It was the first time I ever got stung. It really hurt. Online articles say the pain may last a few hours. My ankle hurt really bad all day.

My point is that I have only been to the gym once this week. I can’t do Body Step due to my ankle. I did do the weight training class on Tuesday. Now my foot is just annoyingly itchy. The pain is 99% gone.

I don’t know what I’m doing for the rest of the week.


Online “dating”

Dating?? ME?? LOL. So not going there. I have no desire to date. Once a month I feel outgoing. That is what happened when I posted the ad. Now I’m my usual introverted self. I have been communicating every other day with one person. Ugh, coming up with stuff has been so hard. I almost stopped. But I don’t want to be the “rejector”.

Other people have tried to talk to me but they have kids! Red flag. Me don’t do kids. It seems like everyone on this site -besides the one person I’ve been messaging- has kids. So…eh. Plus they live too close to me. Another red flag. I’m not trying to get in a relationship or anything.

So that’s that.

I will not idly go, I got too much to fight for

my weight
my weight

I’m using these scale pics for my Project Life album. Please note that when I put my phone down, my weight went down to 133.4 😉 But it isn’t low enough. I know I seem obsessed with how much I weigh.

My feet are so tired. I just got back from the gym. I went three times this week:

Tuesday: Body Pump (weight lifting)

Wednesday: Water fitness (cardio and weights)

Friday: Body Step (mostly cardio, some weight lifting)

I want to document this because I don’t know when this will happen again. Today I warmed up by doing half a mile on the treadmill and then I went to Body Step for an hour. I’m not sure I’m going back to her class. Unfortunately her class is the only one that fits with my schedule. 😦 Bummer. The instructor is just way too outgoing for me.

…And I’m so damn uncoordinated. If I can get over her personality, I might try again. She said it takes 6 classes to get used to it. I dunno. It was a great workout. I didn’t have enough water and I haven’t sweated like that while exercising in a looooong time. Why does she have to be so out there?? Argh.

Water fitness at the Y and water fitness at this gym is totally different. First of all, I almost slipped at least 5 times. I can’t swim so that is scary for me. The first time I slipped I almost cried out. (But then I remembered I have social anxiety and I got myself together). I don’t know what the problem is. I have the same water shoes I used at the Y.

Water fitness was actually fun! The instructor was very intense. It was a good workout. Some of the stuff I couldn’t do since I’m not that comfortable in water. I also couldn’t do a lot of the weight lifting stuff in the water. I’m so weak.

I still love the weightlifting class. Perfect time. Perfect instructor. That’s a keeper. 🙂


Yes I did respond to a online personal ad last night. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. I posted an ad and a picture. *gasp!* She responded. Yes she. I’m not into dating but if it has to be someone it is going to be a female. I think she responded to my message but I’m too scared to read what she wrote. WAIT…….let me do it now.

::checking the site::

She said I seemed interesting and wants to get to know me more!!!! Well I won’t be responding to that in the next hour. It will take some time. I feel more outgoing (in my way) at night. So tonight or tomorrow night I will respond.

Well this weekend all I’m doing is mowing the lawn. I’m not planning on going to the gym since mowing is cardio.

Music for the week:  Alexz Johnson, Jillette Johnson, Jay Z, Ciara, Jewel

TV for the week:  Zimmerman Trial, Big Brother 15 (YAY for Helen)

Movie of the week: I started watching Gone Baby Gone but couldn’t finish it.

Books of the week: Still Missing by Chevy Stevens,  Happy this Year by Will Bowen, Weight Training for Dummies

Goals for next week:  My goals are all about work.