soulstice

When I was living in an apartment, I used to sleep in my car at night to escape the noise. When I wasn’t in my car, I was too afraid to move in my apartment. I would just sit still. I still do that today sometimes. Due to the noise, I brought a house in one week. I didn’t dream of having a house. I wanted to like living in apartments. But the noise was too much.  Years before I brought the house, the noise drove me to a motel room with a knife. I wrote a short suicide note and I was going to kill myself. I was too much of a coward so I’m still here.

Noise anxiety has ruined my life. If anyone wants to see how it manifests: here it is. It can take over your life.

I thought I had paid enough for buying a house in a week. I paid my dues. Or maybe not. Now I may be “short selling” my house. I have great credit. What will that do to it? I don’t have much. Good credit was something I had. Even if it doesn’t mess up my credit, will I be able to buy a house anytime soon? I’m paying big time just because I got sick of being paralyzed and sleeping in my car.

Now what? I would love to be able to live in an apartment. But since I work at home, that is so fucking scary. I’m stuck there for 8+ hours a day. I can’t runaway from the noise. I could lose my job easily that way. I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to rent a house.

I’m screwed. Stuck. All due to……???

I may not be able to short sell. That could be a good thing because then I won’t have to worry about the not being able to buy a house/credit thing. But I would be out of a LOT of money. I may not be able to finish school in the fall. Registration starts soon. I need to know.

With all this being said, I didn’t know selling a house was so expensive, I will be spending the next 2-3 days packing up everything in my house. I won’t be moving it yet though.

Update: A short sell will remain on my credit for 7 years HOWEVER, since I’m not behind on my mortgage payments I could still purchase a house if I had the down payment, income requirements etc. {source}. Right now I don’t have the down payment so heh. :/

Another Update: I think I’m going to just take a HUGE financial hit instead of doing a short sale. As in, no $$ left after the regular sale and max out my credit cards. What a price to pay.

Update #3 – Nah, I’m going to try to get approved for the short sale. I could get denied and then I’ll have to take the hit.

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On to happier topics: My kids. Now I get why people post pics of their kids and stuff. LOL. I brought another betta fish. I feel guilty. Was it selfish? Was it the right thing to do or was I was so desperate for a fish? This is why I could never have kids. If buying a fish makes me question everything, I could never get through the adoption process. Anyhow, I brought Storm. He is gorgeous. He is a half moon betta which basically means he has this beautiful tail.

Unlike my last betta, this fish eats so I think he’ll live. I’m surprised my other fish lasted 3 weeks without eating anything. Here is a pic of Storm:

Storm!

I put way too many rocks in the aquarium. I brought a 10lb bag of rocks and went a little nuts. The rocks make it harder to clean and it means less water for the fish. What was I thinking? He likes to hide in his fish cave. I have a few live plants in there but the big one is fake.

Guess what? I also have video of Storm!

I moved my frogs into a 2.5 gallon tank. This time they didn’t almost drown. I won’t feel good about the move until they have been in there for 24 hours. You won’t believe this but I also have video of my two frogs: M & M.

All the green plants are real plants. I think they like this new home. 🙂

I pray but they fall on deaf ears

I wish I could get an MRI. But they costs thousands of dollars. And my real dream is…well I see this as a NEED so it isn’t a dream. Whatever. I dream of living in the country. I know living in the country does not guarantee quiet. One person with the same problem I have moved to the country for the same reason I want to. Guess what? The neighbors ride 4 wheelers and she can hear that ‘all the time’. She has panic attacks over this. (Btw, machine noise doesn’t bother me at all. If they were yelling over the noise, that would be annoying but not anxiety producing).

Another woman with the same problem got DIVORCED TWICE because she couldn’t stand living with her husbands noise. I want to say “Hello, maybe you just can’t live with anyone” but I think she gets it now. Two husbands, too late. I’m not joking about her situation. It’s dire. If I were social, I may have made the same mistake. Instead I brought a house in the city. I’m not doing that TWICE. I have to mention the words – noise anxiety – in case someone wants to google it and find a person with the problem (“Hi!”)

Real problem. No solutions. That sucks.

What happened to A happens so you do B? Example: You have a drinking/drug problem. Solution: Go to rehab. It isn’t easy. It is probably harder than anything I’ve had to do (since I’ve yet to find a solution). But there is a “A” and a “B”.

Dammit, fucking GOD. All I want is an “A” and a “B”. But no. There’s nothing. No hope. The only hope is that I have some physical problem so that people will believe me. People believe in that shit, you know? It’s gotta be PHYSICAL. They get that.

Sorry for the outburst. I’m stressed.

And my betta fish won’t eat so of course he will die. They can only go a week without food. But the frogs are doing okay.

What else? Being in school brings more stress so there you go. Overwhelmed. I so wish I wasn’t in summer school. Not right now. I want to scream. I need to scream.

I don’t know. I don’t really believe in going to general practitioners (doctors). But I might go soon and demand a lab work up. All they care about is pap smears and crap. Give me a fucking break. I don’t think that is causing my life to be a living hell. Screw the doctors! No, I want labs. I just have to google a way to say it. Everything is on Bing and Google. Thank G-d.

Other than the above, everything is going great! 🙂

I can only imagine

*I* don’t hate privilege. I do hate when people lie about it or act like it doesn’t matter. They are lying to themselves. Maybe it is subconscious. It makes them feel good. I WORKED FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!11!!!!!! Okay, dude no one is saying you did nothing but you had a tremendous amount of help, right? It’s not right to compare a privileged person with a person of no extra means.

Example: I know a girl who got money from her mom to start a business. She was somewhere from 18-22 years old when she started her business. I have no idea whether her business is doing well now. My point is, she got the money. Own it. She had an advantage in this thing called life.

I’m sure compared to some soul, I have advantages. (G-d bless that person. Oh, and I’m only talking about America here to keep it simple).

Example: It costs at minimum of $1800 for me to take a class that will help me get certified. Do you think I’m taking that class? LOL. The class is a great advantage for people who can afford it.

This is how real life works. People with means have access to more things that get them further ahead. And people wonder why it is so hard to get out of the lower/working class. (Look at the stats).

To me this seems obvious. But when I hear people talk sometimes – I’m starting to believe they really don’t get it. People don’t hate Romneny for being rich. It is because he has no freaking clue what it is like to NOT be privileged. One doesn’t have to grow up poor to get it, they have to have empathy. *GASP*

Like I just said, all people aren’t clueless. I know one person from a privileged background who always tells people to “get rich parents” when asked how to get into that profession. 😉 That is the honesty I value. Yes it is possible to make it from the lower ranks. There are stories like that everywhere. But don’t tell me that having advantages like rich parents or parents/spouses who know people, is not a tremendous help. Talk about a hand out. (Did she just go there? No she didn’t!)

I’m just sayin’ 🙂

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It is so nice to have a name for something. I have generalized anxiety AKA anxiety about everything. I have this noise problem that gets worse when I’m anxious and/or depressed. It is always there. (Unfortunately) But it gets worse at times. I get paralyzed by the noise. I start breathing rapidly. My heart rate quickens. And then I just stop. For example, if I’m working and I hear a noise BAM! everything stop. First I stop breathing. Then I remind my self to breathe and I breathe too quickly. It is sort of like a panic attack but I freeze more than hyperventilate…if that makes sense.

It has gotten so bad recently due to my living situation + the depression, I decided to Google it. Actually I Binged it. I’m a Bing chick. Anyhow I found some great info on noise anxiety. OTHER PEOPLE HAVE IT TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, I’m not supposed to be happy about that. It sucks. It really does. But I’m not the only one. It has a name. Bummer, that I didn’t find a cure though. 😦

Best links:

Wearing earplugs made my noise anxiety worse. I would not recommend long usage of earplugs during the day. However, I am thinking of using them at night so I can sleep longer. I haven’t used earplugs in years. I’m kind of apprehensive about it. I think I will try them again for one night. If it makes things worse or doesn’t work than I’ll stop using them.

So many people with noise anxiety seem to think they are alone. Trust me, you are not. It can be debilitating especially in work situations. After all I am supposed to be working, yet I’m frozen. For now I am going to do deep breathing and other CBT techniques which didn’t really work today. haha. But I tried. 🙂