I went to my uncle’s house for the first time. This is what the holidays will do. Of course I went with my mom. I would never go there alone! The thought stirs up crazy anxiety. Only the people living at the house was there. Thank g-d. So it wasn’t too bad. I’m sort of glad I had to go. However, it did mess up my plans. Now I have to go out tomorrow.

I usually like going out on Christmas. There aren’t a lot of people around. And the people who are out are different. lol. Different in a good way. I guess because it is xmas. Anyhow, I just have to be back  by noon to see the NBA games. Total yayness!!!!!! Happy NBA to everyone. 🙂

I’ve been flakey with money recently*. That is not good. Yesterday I brought these $50 headphones. I KNOW. I KNOW. But at least I didn’t buy Bose headphones. I brought them not because I’m a music fiend and need quality headphones but because of work. Yes – work. SIGH. But that was dumb because I’m too much of a control freak to wear them. I have to know what is going on around me and how much noise I’m making.

*(I did open my down payment savings account.)

I’m beyond neurotic. These headphones are supposed to be part of my therapy. I thought I could let go and wear them with the noise cancelling feature on BUT it just makes me more nervous, tense and agitated. I hold my breath more because I don’t know what the fuck is going on. How sick is this?

My counselor can’t help me. I’ve tried. Trust me. Anyway, work has been getting worse. I’ve been wishing I could just quit. But like I’ve said quitting is like commiting suicide. If I quit, I may as well kill myself. I would love to be free but I can’t. Back on topic – I thought using the headphones would help me and my neurotic/control issues but on Friday it didn’t. Wouldn’t it be nice if a pair of headphones could help solve my problems and make me a “better” person? I will try to wear them for 30 minutes a day in the morning when everyone is pretty quiet.

::banging my head against the wall::

The novelty of my diet has worn off. That is only natural. I’m still sticking with it but I think this week I may fall off the bandwagon. :/ I think I may be getting some baklava for Xmas. 🙂 I will need self discipline to eat one piece a day. I do have enough food to make another taco salad. That is as close as I get to cooking.

Speaking of cooking, my first cooking class is in less than 2 weeks. I did find a obsessive/compulsive support group. They only meet once a month and it happens to fall during the same week of my cooking class. PLUS I have yoga on Mondays. I’m such a homebody that the thought of going “out” three times a week is overwhelming so even though I know I should go to the obsessive support group, I may not go. When I come home from work I’m so exhausted/depressed/irritated/angry. I like to come home and relax. It is the only way I keep the little sanity I have.

I really need to um, think……………………..

I’m just not good enough

Don’t expect full sentences. my mind is fucked.

Here is the problem: I won’t get “better” if I don’t meet new people. However I don’t trust people. Anyone.

It started in school. I would get teased. Laughed at. My self esteem plummeted. To this day, I still don’t have any self worth. I don’t know who I am. I define myself by what others think. No sense of self.

I’m in a bit of a ‘people suck’ mood because I was called crazy and middle school like today. 2 separate incidents at work. Yes I’m emotionally stunted at 12. And I’m not crazy, I’m neurotic!! 🙂
Otherwise having a good day. I finally have a real emergency fund. I won’t touch it unless I am unemployed and I have to use it. It’s not much. $250 – just a start. I will put 2% of my monthly income in there starting this month. Again, not much but I don’t make a lot. Small beginning. yay 🙂
I went to the bookstore just to look at remodeling books. Bad idea? It makes me yearn. The bathroom books are the worst. I need another interest. Going to San Fransisco (or most traveling) is cheaper than remodeling.
I’m not shocked at all to hear about the shooting in New York. At work I hear people trash immigrants all the time (but they are not racist *wink) My thoughts do not change if the killer is an immigrant himself.

HATE KILLS ——->words + feelings does not equal nothing
Off to read a book. ttyl

calling on the universe

i just feel so destitute right now. what am i supposed to feel/do when i hear someone talking about how i’m going to get fired? i haven’t cried all week but i do feel like crying now. ending it all.

#1 can she stfu about me being possibly fired?? “i don’t feel sorry for her at all. but what is she going to do (for income).” good points because you are married and you aren’t a neurotic, socially phobic, socially inept twit


#2 they are doing things to press by buttons.

usually i would say “tomorrow is a new day. i won’t react. i will have a good day.”…………

but i’m pmsing (LOL) which makes me more irritable. so i feel so much pressure. not only do i not have to not react, i have to do it when i have pms!!!!

all bets are off when i’m sick or pmsing. i am just so much more irritable at these times. so tomorrow will be hard. they will tempt me.

it is so hard. what medication do i have to take to be less irritable? what do i eat? today i had no coffee but i did have a can of diet mountain dew @ lunch.

i feel like giving up. 😦

universe, I want to keep this job. i want to be able to not be so reactive. i want to free myself of the negativity. i want to be a good person. i want to be able to feel gratitude instead of wanting to choke my coworker. please!

this is a plea for my life