almost given up looking into people’s eyes

Rachel setting up her keyboard
  • I believe in supporting artists and their art. I buy more music than I should. I brought Rachael’s newest album from Amazon.
  • Since I don’t live in the area, I didn’t know Rachael Sage’s concert was a gay pride event. I was surprised! This was my first gay pride event (and hopefully not the last). Cool. Anyhow, I thought this was just a regular concert. I didn’t even know Rachael was gay prior to the concert but one of her songs did make me wonder but I thought, “nah”.
  • I never carry cash.
  • I took two beta blockers just so I could have this weird semi-smile on my face. Without it, I’ve been perceived as angry. I tried to smile. I hope it was a smile. Rachael smiled back at me so I’m guessing it was a success.
  • I wish more people had shown up. Besides one couple and the other performers, everyone was shy. (Shy is awesome 🙂 but we need some extroverts too).

With that out the way…just clearing the air. The Rachael concert was so awesome. She hugged me. I don’t hug humans but I sorta hugged her back. OMG. She also personally signed her painting. Now I can’t frame it because I always have to be able to see the back of the artwork.

We made eye contact several times. I was sitting right in front of her. Rachael is the opposite of shy. She is the most extroverted performer I have EVER seen. Most musicians I like fall into the quiet, introvert type so I was shocked by her. She is a comedian. I can tell she majored in theater (at Standford, I think?).

rachael sage in concert

Needless to say the show was fantastic. She even got up and sang right beside me. She got in the chair right in front of me and sang. It was surreal.

Her manager Wendy was super nice. Thanks for the tickets and for suggesting Rachael sign the artwork.

It could have been a complete disaster. That is why I did the bullet points at the beginning of this entry. Heh. Certain people made comments and those points are my um, points. Every story has two sides. 🙂 I’m going to post more about the concert in my music blog.

Rachael’s art
autograph of her artwork

I cropped out the part where she personalized it because I don’t want my name shown on this blog. She signed it, “For —-” heart shape  xoxo

Rachael XO’ed me! 🙂 🙂

———–

Sky, my betta fish died. 😦 I’m thinking of ordering 3 african dwarf frogs to put into that aquarium. It is so hot so I’m not sure if they will ship here. They don’t like to ship anywhere that is over 90 degrees. Of course the 90 degree heat starts tomorrow. I wish I could find a local pet store that sell them. I have checked all but one pet store. My other frogs (M & M) are doing fine. They always want more food.

———–

SICK. Still sick. Since I’m a new patient, I can’t see my doctor for 2+ weeks. Sometimes I can eat but yesterday I just gave up trying to work after lunch. I felt so bad that I called the nurse line. She told me to go to the urgent care center since I can’t see my doctor. But I FELT TOO SICK to actually get dressed and drive to the center so of course I didn’t go. I was so frustrated. The sickness comes and goes. I guess I can wait until July. I hope I can.

———-

Save the best for last. WORK. I facilitated a teleconference today. I have too much on my mind to be really embarrassed. It was a minor disaster. 🙂 What did you expect? For me to shine at talking??! LOL. Gosh, I really sucked. The only thing I did right was saying, “good morning”. In the past I would have felt mortified after the meeting but I’m dealing with a lot of crap right now. I’m trying to sell my house. DMV won’t listen to me. I’m sick and I don’t know why. Who cares about a stupid meeting?

I do wish my manager had been able to attend because I know my supervisor probably made it seemed it was much worse than it was. She called me a monster from the movie, “Scream” so yeah, she doesn’t like me. hehehe. (SHOCKER!) My manager is a little nicer and lenient. She may have thought I did better……….I don’t know. It was a total waste of time! The freakin’ end.

Do I qualify?

Nausea has taken over my life. I’ve had it foe years but now it is so bad that it is affecting my life. I can’t do normal things. Is this a result of my severe anxiety? Or some physical problem? I don’t know. OTC meds help a little. But not today. I was feeling dizzy and nauseous today. I couldn’t mow the lawn or eat. Now I have abdominal pain…not a stomach ache. It could be an ulcer. ??? Or could I have a tumor? Or is it just anxiety induced nausea?

Since I’m off for a week soon, I’m going to the doctor. I haven’t been to a general practitioner in 3 years. I sort of wish I had because then I wouldn’t have to deal with the physical exam part. I just want the NAUSEA stopped. Nothing else. I don’t want anything done that isn’t going to stop the nausea. Fuck me, I’m so screwed. It is probably just from the anxiety. Have bad anxiety for over a decade and you will probably have a lot of physical issues. Bummer.

I have a week off but so much to do. Don’t even mention school. I feel like I’m sinking. I need to change my living situation too. That is adding stress. But moving isn’t the easiest thing in the whole to do so I need not think about that too much. I will get a realtor to the house during that week (if someone can come out). I don’t know how all this is supposed to happen.

Overwhelmed.

I have to go to the DMV. I don’t know exactly what they need. Well I don’t know if I have what they need. The dealer was supposed to fax some papers over to DMV. Guess what? They didn’t do it. Who has to deal with this crap now? These papers were supposed to be at DMV months ago. Who is going to pay for it now? Thanks for doing your job!

I sound like a broken record. AHHH!

Life is so not worth living. Such a waste of time (for me). It doesn’t make much sense for me to keep living but I’m doing it for one sucky reason. Not very smart. :/
———-
Update: I wrote the above yesterday and didn’t post it. Well today (ARGH!), I didn’t work. I get one sick time a year so I just used that up. Tomorrow I’m working, no matter what. Going to the doctor for nausea sucks because even thinking about it, makes me gag so how can I talk about it????????????? I gagged as I typed that. Sorry TMI.

I physically and mentally suck. 🙂 The end.

Hook Me Up

Graphic and TMI post:

I called in sick today. It was NAUSEA. Okay, plus I knew the appliance guy was coming to fix my fridge. Plus I could not sleep last night. Plus my cat kept waking me up several times after 4AM. I’m not really tired. (thanks Abilify?) but that’s not the point. I had so much trouble calling in due to the nausea. I couldn’t talk. Plus my Nauzene pills (OTC med) were in the car so I had nothing. I was so sick I was throwing up. RARE for me. This ish is getting serious. I guess it would be dramatic to wonder if I have a serious physical problem. Whatever. I can’t call in sick for the rest of the year.

We only get ONE sick period (2 days straight) a year. I could take off tomorrow too but I feel bad since I’m off next week. I wish we had sick days but people were abusing that so…I just want to feel much better tomorrow.

I do feel better now. Maybe because my fridge is working!!! I promise to keep it well and respect it. 🙂 I went out and brought some food like a college kid. It’s unhealthy but it is just for this week. I think I’m going to accept that I will always eat some frozen food junk. I wish it didn’t have so much sodium. The sodium is going to kill me.

—————–
I would like to say that I’ve been studying all day but I haven’t. I did go outside and study a little. Hey, I learned something…I think. Anyway, I was scanning my bookmarks and found a journal I had forgotten about. It is a blog by an asexual woman. (probably easy to find on google since there aren’t that many out there). And one thing that surprised me is that she came out. Um, she tells people.

I don’t see being asexual as anyone’s business although I applaud anyone for being true to themselves. Coming out is authentic for her. For me it would be TMI. It could be because I don’t have friends, only acquaintances. Who would come out of anything for them? I surely wouldn’t tell my mom. TMI. And who cares about what you are NOT doing? LOL.

Tim Gunn is a sexy asexual. I’m not making light of his suicidal attempt (see link) I guess it would be good if more celebs came out. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

The only thing that bothers me is when people don’t believe in it. There will always be a group of ‘those people’. Maybe it makes them feel better to believe that no one is asexual. I call it close minded BS. Some (most?) asexual people have romantic relationships. And no romantic does not equal sex to an asexual.

I hope I haven’t said anything wrong. The last thing I want to do is define asexual wrong.

My Dilemma

I want these shoes so bad:

kiss me

With shipping costs, these shoes will cost about $23. I have a 20% promo code that must be used by tomorrow in order to get that price. Those shoes are so special because they have an athletic sole. Comfy. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t worked OT in three weeks. But I did sell some of my PTO (too much) and I should be getting that money in a month or so. I dunno. I just paid off one of my low balance credit cards. I have been spending $$$ on food due to the lack of a refrigerator. (It still isn’t fixed! – URGH!) I had to pay for half of the hotel due to the hurricane.

I’m getting the shoes. I’m getting the shoes! I’M GETTING THE SHOES!!!

I don’t feel secure about that decision. I’m supposed to be trying to get back into yoga. More money. Yoga is the least of my problems but I did feel better right after doing yoga. I’m thinking about doing a drop in class somewhere. I dunno.

Serious stuff: A great post on depression/suicide/mental illness

Nausea update: Those pregnant women can give good advice on nausea. I have to give them that. I haven’t tried all the advice. Someone mentioned using a soft toothbrush in the morning. That works for me. Yay. I should probably go to a doctor about it. I think my nausea is due to anxiety. After all, I’ve been dealing with both for almost the same number of years. But it could be something worse. ::dramatic music::

Refrigerator update: The man is coming back on Monday. Sigh. I won’t believe it is working until I see it.
I cannot wait to buy food for the freezer! What a concept.

Work update: Some things are better left unsaid. I’m sure I will blog about it someday. 6 more work days until I get two full days off. I haven’t had a full day since June.

School update: Stress fest. I feel bad for anyone who dares to take this course in the summer. Don’t do it. We don’t have a “real” book for this class…which is making it harder for people I can tell. Anyhow, she is putting stuff on the net for us to print out. Well guess who printer keeps jamming? I can unjam one of those big office printers but I can’t figure out my own. Oh well.

Today I have to clean off my desk so I can have somewhere to study. That’ll take about 30 minutes. heh. I guess I should go.

I’m still not sure on the shoes…

I Know Places

I’m 40 or so miles from the epicenter of the earthquake. And I didn’t wake up from the aftershock last night. A lot of people did though. I woke up at 2AM (an hour later) to find out there was an aftershock. Then I went back to bed for 3 hours. Unfortunately I think Hurricane Irene is heading our way. I have plans to work on Saturday and then go to the library. I’m not prepared at all. I hope my mom is so I can go to her place. I have nothing.

I’ve had nausea issues almost my whole life. It has only really affected my life for the past 10 years or so. Longest. Pregnancy. Ever. Like, come out already. I recently had a nightmare dream that I had no idea I was pregnant and then I just had the baby. It was a boy. No I have never seen that TV show. I heard they do reenactments and I hate that. Back to me and my nausea…

Seriously, it has gotten very bad the past few weeks. I can barely brush my teeth. So I did what any person would do, I did some research on the net. Ugh. I could have tonsillitis which makes sense when compared to the other options. I had horrible sore throats growing up. The only thing that helped was herbal throat drops (and Sucrets did okay). But I don’t get them as much anymore. Does that mean anything? Probably not.

The other thing mentioned was trying antacids. I truly don’t think that is my probably but I spent $10 on a pack today. I took a dosage. I still feel just as nauseous now as I did this morning. This is about all I can type about me. I am gagging as I type. This sucks.

Going to a doctor would seem like a smart thing but she (my new pcp who I have not met) is going to want me to open my mouth to check my tonsils and I can’t do that. I’m gagging again.

Whatever it is, it is really bad. I have used Nauzene Upset Stomach Relief for Nausea . I brought them form Amazon. They work for temporary relief. But the next 6 hours or day or 2 hours or whenever, you will need to take them again. I would need to take a box a day just to leave my house in the morning, I try not to use them unless I’m about to throw up. Nauzene doesn’t grow on trees. :/

Since I can’t talk about me….It is really mind boggling to read pregnant women wonder why they are nauseous and can’t brush their teeth or whatever. HELLO YOU ARE PREGNANT. You have a reason. REALLY?? Do they not know that nausea is a part of that? Really? Yes, some women are really lucky and don’t experience nausea but come on!! Hello?

Sorry but I’m trying to find information on why I can’t do anything and these pregnant people are messing up my research. OF COURSE YOU ARE NAUSEOUS. I’m sorry you can’t brush your teeth or eat or whatever but this will end for you. Geez. I know it sucks but some of us aren’t pregnant. And we shouldn’t be randomly nauseous. You at least know why you are nauseous or you should know….

I don’t get it. That is another reason to never ever get pregnant, not that I need a reason.
———–
Class has started but it doesn’t really feel like it. You know when the teacher says a class is hard; it is hard. I already knew that though. I just wish there was more info on the syllabus. How many assignments do we have? When are they due? The professor seems really laid back but I want a lot more info. Class has started and she is still going through the “buy your book” phase. I’ve had my book for 3 weeks.

I need assignments to learn. Ick. This might not be a good match. I had her before and I got an “A” in her class but that was entirely different. I have been studying on my own but I’m not sure what to really focus on. My main fear is that I do nothing and then this class hits me like a ton of bricks.

Sigh.

I Dig Everything

If you don’t have anything nice to say…post pictures!

Don’t read the following paragraph if you are eating or hate TMI: I am PMSing like crazy. Last month it was a breeze. This month I’m mentally and physically hurting a whole week in advance. I cannot wait until this ends. I have to look into options but that is another entry. Also I vomited in my car this morning! OMG.No, I did not pull over. I just kept driving. I was very annoyed. :/ I am always nauseous but I NEVER throw up. NEVER! I just gag. I didn’t even think about going home. I can’t even blog about this anymore without getting nauseous. So done.
—————–
I scanned the following pictures with my 3 year old scanner. These aren’t the best quality photos. If I keep posting pics, I should probably change my theme (again).

The following come from Bungalow Style: Creating Classic Interiors in Your Arts and Crafts Home (link). I never knew the history of Bungalows was so interesting. Yes I live in one. We call them “ranchers”. My house was built in the 1950s and not much has been updated since then. Back to the book, I got it from the library. I love it so much…I’m thinking about buying it. Heh. Okay onto the pics:

This is what I want to do now:

terra cotta

I’m definitely not doing built in bookshelves in my current house (due to cost and not getting a return on investment) but this pic is very inspiring. I’m looking for a framed picture and maybe I will put a shelf under it just like the pic. I love that!

The following pics are from Decorating Basics : Styles, Colors, Furnishings (link). The info is useless to me but the pics are nice. I love the Southwestern style. The following pics are excellent examples of the southwestern look. What I would give just to stay in a place like this for ONE night or even visit…

southwestern

*DROOL* How can you not love the pic below? I love antiques and browns. Perfect.

feels like home

And I love this one just because of the colors. It isn’t southwestern. Can I just move in?

I have to get a framed painting. I have an unframed painting hanging in my living room. The artist was so cute. 🙂 I couldn’t resist his charm. He had the most amazing nature painting. I got a tiny discount because he could tell I was so unsure. The painting is below in the entry about the pedestal/flower arrangements.

I scanned this photo 3 years ago. It is a pic of my dream bedroom. I’m still dreaming!

dream bedroom

That’s it for now. My crochet class needs to start ASAP so I can focus all my energy on that. I’m trying not to get into anything until I take the class next week.

shocking doctors

…and nurses. I seem to do a good job at it.

Phone call

Me: I was wondering if you could recommend an over the counter drug for nausea.

Registered Nurse: No. Blah blah. We are nurses. How long have you had nausea?

Me: Um, years. Probably 4-5 years.

RN: YEARS???! YEARS??!

Me: Yes. 😉

(lot of questions about medical history blah blah).

RN: Go to the doctor TODAY or to the hospital if you can’t reach or don’t have a doctor.

ROFL. Needless to say, I did neither. Oh well. Still nauseous. Um, does anyone know of a good OTC drug for nausea? I know of one for diarrhea plus nausea. But taking that every day??? I can’t imagine. In fact I don’t even have any because it is expensive. I’ve lived with nausea for YEARS (years??!) so I’ll keep going.

She had an accent. I want to say Jamaican but I don’t know the difference between “the island” accents. I wanted her to be my grandmother. (No offense to my actual grandmother). It was too funny. She was really baffled/shocked.
————–
I’m returning the Asperger book (link below) to the library this weekend. Since I’m not as articulate about the whole social thing, I’m going to type out the small section on being normal just to make sure my therapist really gets it. I don’t have time to type it out all tonight. I’ll finish up tomorrow.

I’ll post more about the book later. It is really eye opening. To over generalize, I think this is the difference between a male with Asperger’s (or autism) and a female with Asperger’s. The female aspies I know have had similar experiences to me while HE had a totally different experience. He could have ended up in jail. Thank Buddha he was a semi-savant or he would not be where he is today.

People approach me, uninvited, and make unsolicited statements. When they don’t get the response they expect, they become indignant. If I offer no response at all, they become indignant at that. So there is no way for me to win.

Given that line of reasoning, why talk to people at all? Well many autistic people don’t, possibly for that very reason. But for some reason I want the Lauries of the world to like me. To not think I’m weird. I can be eccentric, but I don’t want to be weird. So I persist. I try to say things a ‘normal’ person would say.

-John Elder Robison

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! He has put into words my feelings. Maybe I haven’t done a good job at expressing them. Or maybe I’m so over trying to be normal that at this point…who cares?

There is much more but this validated how I’ve felt for years.