soulstice

When I was living in an apartment, I used to sleep in my car at night to escape the noise. When I wasn’t in my car, I was too afraid to move in my apartment. I would just sit still. I still do that today sometimes. Due to the noise, I brought a house in one week. I didn’t dream of having a house. I wanted to like living in apartments. But the noise was too much.  Years before I brought the house, the noise drove me to a motel room with a knife. I wrote a short suicide note and I was going to kill myself. I was too much of a coward so I’m still here.

Noise anxiety has ruined my life. If anyone wants to see how it manifests: here it is. It can take over your life.

I thought I had paid enough for buying a house in a week. I paid my dues. Or maybe not. Now I may be “short selling” my house. I have great credit. What will that do to it? I don’t have much. Good credit was something I had. Even if it doesn’t mess up my credit, will I be able to buy a house anytime soon? I’m paying big time just because I got sick of being paralyzed and sleeping in my car.

Now what? I would love to be able to live in an apartment. But since I work at home, that is so fucking scary. I’m stuck there for 8+ hours a day. I can’t runaway from the noise. I could lose my job easily that way. I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to rent a house.

I’m screwed. Stuck. All due to……???

I may not be able to short sell. That could be a good thing because then I won’t have to worry about the not being able to buy a house/credit thing. But I would be out of a LOT of money. I may not be able to finish school in the fall. Registration starts soon. I need to know.

With all this being said, I didn’t know selling a house was so expensive, I will be spending the next 2-3 days packing up everything in my house. I won’t be moving it yet though.

Update: A short sell will remain on my credit for 7 years HOWEVER, since I’m not behind on my mortgage payments I could still purchase a house if I had the down payment, income requirements etc. {source}. Right now I don’t have the down payment so heh. :/

Another Update: I think I’m going to just take a HUGE financial hit instead of doing a short sale. As in, no $$ left after the regular sale and max out my credit cards. What a price to pay.

Update #3 – Nah, I’m going to try to get approved for the short sale. I could get denied and then I’ll have to take the hit.

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On to happier topics: My kids. Now I get why people post pics of their kids and stuff. LOL. I brought another betta fish. I feel guilty. Was it selfish? Was it the right thing to do or was I was so desperate for a fish? This is why I could never have kids. If buying a fish makes me question everything, I could never get through the adoption process. Anyhow, I brought Storm. He is gorgeous. He is a half moon betta which basically means he has this beautiful tail.

Unlike my last betta, this fish eats so I think he’ll live. I’m surprised my other fish lasted 3 weeks without eating anything. Here is a pic of Storm:

Storm!

I put way too many rocks in the aquarium. I brought a 10lb bag of rocks and went a little nuts. The rocks make it harder to clean and it means less water for the fish. What was I thinking? He likes to hide in his fish cave. I have a few live plants in there but the big one is fake.

Guess what? I also have video of Storm!

I moved my frogs into a 2.5 gallon tank. This time they didn’t almost drown. I won’t feel good about the move until they have been in there for 24 hours. You won’t believe this but I also have video of my two frogs: M & M.

All the green plants are real plants. I think they like this new home. 🙂

no sweet surrender

I am going to post pictures galore of my trip tomorrow. Well since this is an anonymous blog, there won’t be that many since I can’t most pics with me in them. Heh. I do have some I want to share. I don’t feel like getting them off my camera now and I want to rant anyway…

I was angry today when I found out my estranged dad (parents divorced when I was 11 – never really talked to him) is coming earlier than I thought. I have other things to do so now I have the clean a space for him. Without being too dramatic, everything is ruined. Ruined. Thanks. I hate being taken advantage of.

Maybe I’m not friendly because I don’t want friends? That seems so obvious. LOL. Genius! People who aren’t friendly, don’t want friends. That isn’t really true, of course. Some people are shy* etc. etc. But for me it’s like if I am friendly to someone than I have to do the social crap that I despise. And I don’t have the energy to even be what most people would want. I’m doing people a favor by not talking to them. I just wish they got it. Or knew…Hello? You aren’t missing out. I’m not that great. Get over me! 😉

*I’m shy, an introvert and a loner.

So I’m thinking of just being myself when my dad comes. I’m thinking about just being myself when my dad comes. I was that last time for the most part but sometimes I faked it. Not this time. I don’t enjoy humans in my space. At all. So BEWARE. I’m going to be ME.

Why don’t I have roommates? Because I wouldn’t do that to another human being. Having roommates/friends makes life easier. And I’m all about getting any edge I can get. I would love to save $$ on rent so I could save up for a trip to Central America.

I know I’m rambling. I know what I want to do with my life! I want to travel around Mexico and Central America. I want to take pictures, admire handmade crafts and visit the beaches. Work? What work?

This thing with my dad is pissing me off so much that a bank didn’t own “my house”, I would plan to be living in Panama in 3 years or less. Debt is slavery. Everything else I can see myself getting out of. Car? Sell it ASAP (if I were moving to another country that is). But this house…is such a nightmare. I’m stuck here. Even if the economy was normal, I would still owe a money to the bank if I could sell it. But that is the least of my problems. I’ll lose money. LOL. I don’t care about that.

This was supposed to be an angry rant but I took a nap and calmed down. Sorry.

On edit: Okay, my cat is bugging me. I’m ticked off again. Why don’t people get it? Everyone isn’t like you. There are people who LOVE living alone and the last thing they want is another human in their place. Alone does not = lonely. Study Buddhism. One of the things often said is that a person okay being alone is okay with him/herself. The people who constantly need someone??? Hmmmmmmmmmm….Anyhow, there are some people who really don’t desire companionship. Yes this is all targeted at the one person who will never read this.

I quit!

To all my coworkers: yes you finally won! Congratulations. Must be nice to be a winner and to have a normal life.

I’m not going to fake it. I’m bitter. Practically everyone but me can work at McDonald’s. Not that want to but they CAN. (Yes, I had tried years ago. Not much has changed. In fact, things have gradually gotten worse).

I’m fed up with people because they don’t get it. I’ve already stated my piece on why people annoy the hell out of me. (They have no desire to get it and assume everyone is like them). So that’s that. They have more resources, and I don’t. Let’s move on.

I don’t have much to say…except I really, really wish my manager was there today. OF ALL DAYS. ugh. She is not helpful. (sorry). She is typical not getting it/don’t want to hear it, person. Thanks!

The good thing is if I quit on Monday, I get health insurance until the end of the month. If I had quit today like, I would have NO health insurance. Having health insurance for that 30 days probably won’t help much because I’m not planning on going to a doctor. Well actually I plan to load up on meds and not take them…saving them in case I ever want to attempt to be normal again.

So yeah, 30 days will help with that. At this point, I don’t see me working shortly. If I didn’t have a house, I would move to some place warm and be homeless. But the mortgage….who cares, right? Would I go to jail? Despite what some may think, I do want to do the right thing.

So moving to another state is not an option RIGHT NOW. If I lose my house, then I’m ready to go! I know this sounds crazy, but I think I will miss my cat so much. She won’t let me pick her up…or anyone pick her up so she would be left. I would probably have to have animal control set a trap.

O God, I’m crying again. Over my cat! Okay. Breathe. Don’t think about the cat. You’ve cried enough over a situation you’ve hated.

Okay so now I’m off to figure out how to quit. Never done it before. Normally, I would give a two-week notice but not in these circumstances.

Have a great weekend. lol.